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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my family to take priority for once

38 replies

AlwaysDancing1234 · 17/12/2014 10:56

Weeks ago we spoke to PIL and invited them for Xmas dinner with us and our DC. They wanted to but "had to decline" as BIL and SIL wouldn't be happy if they came to us. (very 'difficult'). Historically BIL and family always go to SIL parents anyway so didn't see the problem.

Anyway, bit disappointed about it but agreed PIL would pop over on Xmas morning for mince pies and exchange presents etc. instead.

However, last week we discover that BIL, SIL and kids are now going to In laws for Xmas day and MIL doing big dinner. Also PIL now not coming to us Xmas morning as they'll "need to prepare dinner" We only live 15 mins drive away so they could easily pop over for an hour then still be home for hours before BIL and family due to arrive but "too much hassle" apparently.

Also asked PIL to come to a Christmas event with us and DC, again they said couldn't come for reasons of 'fairness' but turns out they went there anyway with BIL and family last weekend, pics all over FB marked "day out with the family"

This is just the latest in a very very long line of similar instances. Basically they do whatever to keep BIL and SIL happy, sod the rest of us. We've even been told to keep it secret when we've been out for lunch with PIL etc in the past.

AIBU to think that for once, just once, it would be nice if my DH and DC could be the priority rather than BIL family all the bloody time and to think that PIL should just grow a pair
(for want of a better phrase) and spend time with us and our DC if they want without worrying about BIL/SIL throwing a tantrum!!

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 17/12/2014 10:58

Sorry that post is so long and rambling!

OP posts:
SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 17/12/2014 11:05

Make yourselves the priority in your own lives by backing right off. It sounds like a desperately unfair situation. If your PIL persist in pandering to your B/SIL like this, I'd refuse to put myself or my kids up for rejection time and time again. Back off, stop offering to arrange things. Let them do some reassessment of how their behaviour makes others feel.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 17/12/2014 11:07

YANBU, by the way, not even a little bit.

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 17/12/2014 11:09

Thanks Sweary. Telling DC that grandparents are now not coming on Xmas morning and being met with sad face and questions of "why not" was the worst thing Sad

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 17/12/2014 11:10

Is your DH bothered? If not I'd stay as far away from them as possible...
Forever!

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 17/12/2014 11:13

It does upset DH but after years of it he said he decided not to let it get to him. BIL and SIL treat in laws like crap but PIL feel they have to put up with it and walk on eggshells otherwise they don't get to see the kids for weeks/months

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 17/12/2014 11:15

I would have it out with them once, and then walk away.

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 17/12/2014 11:15

They are good parents/grandparents and I get on well with them when all this crap with BIL/SIL is taken out the equation

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 17/12/2014 11:18

Yeah, but they're not 'good grandparents' really, are they? Because you are having to explain to your children that their grandparents aren't going to come to see them for even a brief visit on Christmas day after they said they would.

Good grandparents wouldn't do that.

QuietsBatmobileLostAWheel · 17/12/2014 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinnieM1 · 17/12/2014 11:22

I would cut them off completely after I'd told them why
That is ridiculous and so so unfair on your DC
I'd say, you choose them over us time and time again so we won't bother you anymore, bye!

DisneyDivaWoo · 17/12/2014 11:26

Stop making the effort and if they can't be bothered then you know they don't care.
If my kids were treated like that by my pils there would be hell on. Eventually your kids will feel second best Sad it's not fair
yanbu

Frogme · 17/12/2014 11:29

I think you have to be driven by your husband on this one.

Personally I would want to tell them how in their effort to be fair to bil, then they are being massively unfair to your DH. They would need to redress this inbalance or I'd want to walk away - however this may not be the best thing for your husband. He needs to decide what, if anything, you do. I'd find it very difficult to keep my trap shut though.

PicaK · 17/12/2014 11:30

If they live 15 mins away couldn't you pop in to see them (for your kids).

KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse · 17/12/2014 11:33

I get that about them being good grandparents generally.

They need to realise the impact they're having though. Say to them bluntly "oh so when ARE you coming over during Christmas? The children have been looking forward to seeing you on Christmas day" or something. Don't be tempted to just suck it up and say "ah ok then".

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 17/12/2014 11:36

PicaK we did suggest popping in but would be too disruptive apparently.
Some good advice on here, thanks everyone. I've gently broached the subject before but they always pander to BIL and SIL.
MIL even said she's dreading Xmas day a bit in case SIL is on one of her usual bad moods and their kids are very badly behaved. I think MIL wanted me to feel sorry for her but it's of her own making, she should have just said No!
I guess I'm not going to be able to change it now, will just look forward to a hassle and stress free Xmas day just me, DH and our children.

OP posts:
KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse · 17/12/2014 11:55

Make them own their actions though - sorry to use that phrase but it is apt here.

Make them say outright "we won't see you or your children on Christmas day". Make them say what arrangements they will put in place to make up for it.

When MIL says she's dreading it, say "well you had been invited here so..."

My mum has a tendency to do this. My brother says point blank that he can't do something so then my mum runs round trying to facilitate it, completely oblivious to the fact that her "solution" inconveniences me. This has included things like additional people bing invited to my house, dates of celebration meals being changed, me having to double on on journeys to give lifts etc. Apparently things are changed at a moment's notcie to accomodate him and I have to just fit around it. I can't stop myself from saying now "oh right, so the arrangements have changed and I now have to make a 2 hour journey in an hour. Hmmm, that's going to be tricky isn't it? I wonder how I'm going to make that work" - I think she needs to know that its not just ok for me rather than me agreeing then putting the phone down and grumbling to DH.

my situation is almost entirely because my mum thinks my job isn't as important as my brother's what with him being a man and wearing a suit and me being a woman who wears dresses

im very bitter

lisylisylou · 17/12/2014 12:02

Yes your bil or sil are selfish and to be honest they are out of order and I would be really angry as well. However, I understand where your pil's are coming from and it does sound as though they're quite frightened however, it is down to your husbands family to sort it out between themselves.

Maybe what you could do is damage limitation to help your dc's which is what we had to do last year. We moved away 2 days before christmas due to my dh getting a new job and I knew my mil would be devastated she wouldn't be seeing my dcs much. We all had our christmas day a week early. I saw that day that its not about which day it falls on but its the family/the ones you love being together. Could you have a second christmas day maybe a couple/few days later? You can then really dress it up to the kids that they're so lucky to have 2 christmas's.

Mammanat222 · 17/12/2014 12:05

Your OH needs to step up and deal with this.

He needs to ask his parents about their behaviour and what appears to be blatant favouritism.

nunkspugget · 17/12/2014 12:37

Turn it into a joke. "Oh, I see the royal command has been sent then? Guess we'll see you when they deign to allow it!". " keep it secret?? You mean you haven't sought royal permission to see us!? Tut tut!".

Make them feel like the stupid wimps they are.

foolssilver · 17/12/2014 13:30

How horrible! I would use this as an opportunity to raise it. Tell them the dcs are upset and that you aren't prepared to put up with being second best anymore. I would then leave it and see happens next.

Lymmmummy · 17/12/2014 13:47

YANBU - however it looks like the pattern of them favouring/ preferring to spend time with BIL/SIL is already set -

I appreciate its very disappointing, frustrating and unfair - and not very nice for DC but not very sure what you can do to change them - other than perhaps be less accommodating if they expect you to change your plans whenever they do this sort of stuff for BIL/SIL - maybe them realising that you are not going to bend over backwards to find a new time to meet them just because they chnage all their plans last minute to accommodate BIL\SIL might make them realise that they cannot mess you about so much without their being some consequences

Also yes DH should raise it with them as essentially there is an element of them having let down their GC - and they need to know that and know that it matters

angelohsodelight · 17/12/2014 14:20

Step back and let them get on with it.

LL12 · 17/12/2014 15:08

I hate it how Christmas can get ruined by things like this.
I have made a stand this year and staying at home for the first time in 17 years.
We always have to alternate between parents although it always seems to end up being to my pil most years, we have never been able to form our own family traditions as my pil take over everything.
We did invite pil to our house this year as they would be on their own for the first time but were told "we will let you know" and haven't, which was code for "We'll wait to see if we get a better offer". They then moan about when the grandchildren will ever get to open their presents.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/12/2014 15:09

"BIL and SIL treat in laws like crap but PIL feel they have to put up with it and walk on eggshells otherwise they don't get to see the kids for weeks/months"
Hmm. And they worry about "BIL/SIL throwing a tantrum!!" Well, it seems like the only way you're going to get them to change is to throw a bigger tantrum that BIL/SIL. No not really. Sigh. It is a very difficult situation, OP, you have my sympathies.

I think the best you can do is to have very low expectations of your PIL. And I also think that you should make it clear to them that you have had enough of them lying to you. Tell them that their claims of 'fairness' (and the rest) do not go unnoticed, and you are very disappointed in them that they will not just be honest with you. By all means they can continue to favour BIL/SIL, but you would appreciate them being straight with you (and themselves). I know you've said "I've gently broached the subject before" , but perhaps it was too gentle?

"MIL even said she's dreading Xmas day a bit in case SIL is on one of her usual bad moods and their kids are very badly behaved. I think MIL wanted me to feel sorry for her but it's of her own making, she should have just said No!"
Oh, and when she tries to make you feel sorry for her - again, be blunt. Tell her she's getting what she wanted and to be happy with that!

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