AIBU to want my family to take priority for once

[AlwaysDancing1234]

Weeks ago we spoke to PIL and invited them for Xmas dinner with us and our DC. They wanted to but "had to decline" as BIL and SIL wouldn't be happy if they came to us. (very 'difficult'). Historically BIL and family always go to SIL parents anyway so didn't see the problem.

Anyway, bit disappointed about it but agreed PIL would pop over on Xmas morning for mince pies and exchange presents etc. instead.

However, last week we discover that BIL, SIL and kids are now going to In laws for Xmas day and MIL doing big dinner. Also PIL now not coming to us Xmas morning as they'll "need to prepare dinner" We only live 15 mins drive away so they could easily pop over for an hour then still be home for hours before BIL and family due to arrive but "too much hassle" apparently.

Also asked PIL to come to a Christmas event with us and DC, again they said couldn't come for reasons of 'fairness' but turns out they went there anyway with BIL and family last weekend, pics all over FB marked "day out with the family"

This is just the latest in a very very long line of similar instances. Basically they do whatever to keep BIL and SIL happy, sod the rest of us. We've even been told to keep it secret when we've been out for lunch with PIL etc in the past.

AIBU to think that for once, just once, it would be nice if my DH and DC could be the priority rather than BIL family all the bloody time and to think that PIL should just grow a pair
(for want of a better phrase) and spend time with us and our DC if they want without worrying about BIL/SIL throwing a tantrum!!

FUCK 'EM.

Try and get your husband to speak to them and stand up to them

I thoughtofit good suggestion!

Thanks everyone for your advice, has helped me be a lot calmer about the whole thing. They are now saying they'll pop in Xmas eve of Boxing Day so that's something at least

Oh my God, are you my sister? She's in a very similar situation. She's very cards on the table though-she told PIL that she loved them but in their anxiety to keep on the good side of BIL and SIL they tended to give her the thin end of the wedge, and ended up rewarding SIL's bad behaviour. Nothing she can really do about it though, unless she's prepared to start withdrawing access to the grandchildren when she gets annoyed. (She isn't).

All she and her DH have done is greatly limit time spent with BIL and SIL and their children. She and her DH have declined offers of big family holidays paid for by PIL and other such schemes. They aren't going to pretend they are all one happy family when, well, they aren't.

If I were your DH I would pull them up on their games, however gently. I.e. 'don't tell us it wouldn't be "fair" to go to X venue just with us then post on FB telling the world you went to X just with BIL and SIL'. I mean, I get the anxiety to stay on the right side of someone who would actually deprive them of their grandchildren and I feel sorry for them. But lying to you and your DH is not on.

I have a similar situation....MIL is totally under the thumb of my BIL and SIL. Over the period of the last 10 years I have leant not to care, it's her loss. When it occasionally upsets me I remember that my DC's get the undevided attention of my parents and our extended family and fantastic network of friends. Try to not let it bother you.

This is horrible. I can't understand why your PIL don't invite you ALL round on Xmas day. I just can not imagine extending an invitation to one of your children but not the other.

I agree, back right off and let them get on with it. Especially if dh isn't willing to say something.

I've been through very similar with my FIL.

Can't agree more with advice up thread about making yourselves the priority now.

My DH was the same as yours with the whole never letting it get to him which always confused me because it really upset me how FIL made no effort so how could his own son not be bothered? FIL also lives 10 mins away, drives and is retired (retired young so isn't an old man, only just turned 50, no health problems) so has more disposable time then us but it was always me pushing to arrange times to meet but still never getting much back. Anyway since backing off we rarely hear from him, haven't seen him in a few months.

Surround yourself with people who do care and do want to spend time with you. Is does hurt, realising they aren't as invested in maintaining a relationship as you are but just let them do the chasing now. Honestly you'll feel so much better for it.

I completely get it. We get dropped like hot coals when darling sil decides to grace pil with her presence

The thing is that PIL are making an active choice to put BIL and SIL above your family. And that is really hurtful, whatever the reason is (and I don't buy the "keeping the peace" argument, just because SIL can strop). Their actions are saying that they don't care as much about your family.

TBH, I would be tempted to say "sorry, Xmas Eve doesn't suit. The DC are so sad you changed your minds and don't want to spend Xmas Day with us." Be blunt. Tell them the truth instead of trying to save their feelings, because they don't consider yours to be important. Tell the PIL what day and what time suits your family and suggest they compromise for once, instead of it always having to be your family. You don't have to put up with always being treated as second best.

Hoggle - PIL wouldn't have us all there on Xmas day as it would be too much for them I think with a dozen for Xmas dinner. To be honest I wouldn't want to spend Xmas day with BIL/SIL anyway as one or the other of them is always in a mood about something and their children are appallingly behaved so I'd spend all day making sure they didn't break DC toys or hit and kick them or poke at the baby or something.

KatieKaye - I would like to tell them not to bother Xmas eve but it wouldn't be fair on DC to not see them at all so we've just gotta suck it up on that one I think

I'm sorry to hear about those who have had similar experiences but it's good to know we are not alone with this problem. Thanks everyone

Yanbu