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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to 'family' event?

54 replies

Bellalunagirl · 15/12/2014 23:31

I'm having a dilemma with DH and not sure whether AIBU?

Both DH and I were married before, he has two children (older teenager and adult) from previous marriage. I have one young child with DH.

I have always been made to feel like a second wife by his family. They are smiling knives, will be nice to you and then you're pulling a dagger out your back. DH doesn't particularly get on with them but is stuck with them.

His parents will be celebrating a big wedding anniversary next year and his family are organising a get together. The ironic thing is they are the most miserable couple I've ever met and don't get on with each other at all. It's difficult being around them and pretty uncomfortable tbh. So it seems a bit hypocritical celebrating them still being together, but that's by the by.

Anyway, everytime I've seen DHs family they've got something nasty to say and it's very stressful. This leads to me feeling crap for weeks leading up to it, having a big row with DH and then taking ages getting over it afterwards.

In the early days I tried really hard (perhaps over compensated with trying because DHs ex hadn't bothered with them at all) but just got kicked in the teeth.

Anyway this time I'm leaning towards not going and just letting DH go on his own. He will be taking the two older kids but me and the LO will feign illness.

This will save a five hour round trip, a massive row and marital discord! However, DH is not happy with this and says I'm being unsupportive. He says that its only once in a blue moon so why can't I just support him. I pointed out the fact that I did support him (in the early days I paid for half a holiday abroad with them, sat with his mum when she was in hospital when she was critically ill

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 16/12/2014 07:51

DH can't take all three kids realistically ( he has said this), it would mean a ten hour round trip in the car for our LO.

If it is a 5 hour round trip, get his kids to come to you and then he takes them all. They are older teen/adult aren't they?

jetsetlil · 16/12/2014 07:54

But isn't it going to be a 10 hour trip regardless of who takes the LO?

arlagirl · 16/12/2014 07:56

I wouldn't go.
I stopped going to any of h's family dos a long time ago. Didn't go to MI's funeral.

jetsetlil · 16/12/2014 08:00

Oh, and YANBU. No way would I go.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 16/12/2014 08:07

I wouldn't go. If they are that bad I would be keeping away from them family or not. They can and will think what they like.

I keep away from mine now and I'm much happier for it. Think I've become more intolerant to other peoples shit as I've got older.

Original poster
Bellalunagirl · 16/12/2014 08:09

DH feels ten hours is too long for LO to do in a car so if I took him direct it would be a lot shorter, then DH can do the long round trip to get the older kids. Older kids wont get themselves here or there Sad

I guess I'm worrying about it because I always bite my tongue so I don't start any trouble. I've NEVER retaliated or said anything to offend anyone, honestly. I think it would be pointless. But I'm getting fed up with being a whipping boy. I know I will start getting angry and flustered when they start their nonsense and ill be standing there holding LO feeling angry, hurt and upset, probably getting hot and flustered. LO is very good at picking up on my emotional state so will probably react. I hate the thought of that, or I'll do something silly like burst into tears because I hate putting LO in the middle of their nastiness. Then I'll feel humiliated and crap or I'll blow after so many years and come out swinging!! Either way it won't be pretty Grin. I don't want to do that because ultimately its their event and it should be about them not me. I really do get that.

OP posts:
erin99 · 16/12/2014 08:29

I can certainly see the appeal.

However I think on this occasion you should suck it up. You say it'll save marital discord if you don't go, but your DH is already feeling unsupported and he will be really hurt if you don't go. You will cause marital discord by refusing to go.

Also you say you HAVE supported him in the past but that is not enough in a marriage, you need to keep on supporting each other throughout your lives, even if it is hard. He doesn't much fancy going but feels he should. Don't go for your own sake, go for him. Next time you have to go to some event you dread, how do you want your DH to treat you?

Also if you don't go the relatives will use it as ammo to say you are not properly part of the family next time. Going along and engaging, and smiling through your teeth is the only way this can ever change. But you do need to work on rising above what they say and not taking it personally. They don't really know you, it doesn't matter what they think, you're only there for the sake of DH, DSC and DS.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 16/12/2014 08:52

I am a bit divided on this. On one hand, the thought of all travel to go to a function that you are making sound unpleasant sounds really unappealing - for the whole party.

On the other, something is bothering me and I think it is that you don't mind the older stepchildren having to do this and go to a perceived crappy family event, but you don't want to put your own child through it. So I do think it should be an all or nothing where the three grandchildren are concerned. If anything, the young one is likely going to travel the best as they tend to sleep on longer journeys. There will be loads of MNers who have long car journeys to places such as France, Cornwall or the Highlands (*other holiday destinations are available Wink ) on holiday, myself included, who find long journeys are achievable with young children; you just break them up with stops when they are awake; they are pretty portable.

I think as this is a big anniversary, it is just one of those times to grin and bear it. Sounds like you have lots of time yet before the event, so why not hunt around and book a cheap hotel to break the trip up? Lots of hotels have January sales so you could strike lucky on a reasonable price (e.g Hilton for the price of a Travelodge)? Give you an excuse to get off early when your younger child is ready for bed.

I would have to come down on the side of YAB a little bit U (but you do have my sympathy) to not go to this 'one-off' big anniversary, and YABU to think it is OK for 2 stepchildren but not your own child to have to make the trip.

Topseyt · 16/12/2014 08:55

I wouldn't go, but then I am not the biggest party animal anyway, quite apart from their rudeness.

They could use it as ammunition if they wanted to. If I never went again then it wouldn't matter anyway.

But that may well be just me being an antisocial old goat.

vitabrits · 16/12/2014 11:12

Definitely don't go!

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2014 11:39

What does DH do when his family are nasty to you? Does it even register with him?

"Older kids wont get themselves here or there Sad"
Why won't they? And what do they feel about their wider family?

KatieKaye · 16/12/2014 11:54

Support for DH should not involve OP being subjected to this sort of behavior. Support should be mutual. It doesn't sound as if DH actively supports OP when his family are rude.

MaryWestmacott · 16/12/2014 11:55

Can you bring the older children to yours the day/night before?

CheeseBuster · 16/12/2014 11:59

Sorry I think YABU and unsupportive not to go.

I don't understand why you hold your tongue or need him to stand up for you. Stand up for yourself, your a grown woman and a mother. Maybe they'd respect you if you grew a backbone.

Heels99 · 16/12/2014 12:00

I don't understand, its a ten hour round tripefor little one whether you go or not isn't it? Is the journey time reduced by you going?
First wife didn't bother with them, sounds like she had right idea!

Original poster
Bellalunagirl · 16/12/2014 16:04

Bit harsh cheese buster. I have a backbone thanks, I deliberately hold my tongue because I don't want to instigate a big row and make things worse. I don't need Dh to stand up for me, but they are his family not mine so I would hope he would hold them a bit more acccountable. If it were my lot acting this way I would have strong words with them.

I can't win this either way Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellalunagirl · 16/12/2014 16:17

shakes its not my place to say whether the DSC should or shouldn't go! But it is my concern when it comes to my own LO.

We cannot book into a hotel as we have animals that need looking after, so need to be back on the same day. Both DH and I don't want LO doing ten hours in the car for a few hours function. That's our choice. Other people do different things, that's their choice. No one is right or wrong just different ways of doing things. That's why in our eyes the only way for LO to be there is for me to drive sepately. Plus we wouldn't all fit in one car so its a moot point really!

OP posts:
BrendaBlackhead · 16/12/2014 16:56

I think ShakesBooty is right.

It's only one event. Grin and bear it. I grinned and bore it for many years, with my blood pressure 600 over 600 on occasion. Now that mil and pil are out of it, I'm glad I was forebearing. It would have achieved nothing to retaliate other than to create a massive row with dh caught in the middle.

Just attend this one "special" day, and then if anyone is nasty to you, you are quite justified in saying that that will be the last time.

SmilingHappyBeaver · 16/12/2014 17:39

I don't understand why the older teen and adult son can't make their own way there? Why does your DH have to pick them up? Several posters have picked up on this but you haven't answered the question...

quirkycutekitch · 16/12/2014 17:46

I'm guessing the step children don't really want to go - so won't make the effort of travelling by themselves!

quirkycutekitch · 16/12/2014 17:49

I have awful expil - always tried to grin & bear it - however in the future horrible family - that you are forced to spend time with - will be a deal breaker for me! Life's too sort to spend time with energy drainers!

ooerrmissus · 16/12/2014 18:26

I think to be honest you are both being a bit unreasonable. Your DH needs to have your back and call his family out if they are being rude. He should also understand that if they are consistently horrid you aren't going to want to spend time with them. However as pp have said if it's a big family do he should be able to count on your support.

Sorry this isn't coming out very well. If it were a small event I would say don't go and your DH can explain why. But since it's a big event I would go, show my face and then leg it as quickly as possible.

I also think it's telling that the ex wife didn't bother with them. But then maybe he felt she didn't support him, which is why they broke up?

drudgetrudy · 16/12/2014 18:44

I think I would go if your husband wants you to.
I wouldn't make any effort with them any more though-you have tried your best-just be polite cool and distant.
They aren't important, try not to have any concern about what they think of you and don't let it affect you.

I would be looking for the least amount of drama possible-absolutely polite, absolutely above reproach and absolutely cold.

Cleo22 · 16/12/2014 19:24

If the older children can't be bothered to get themselves to the venue should your husband be driving all over the place to get them.

Do they find the family "difficult"? Do they dislike the way you are treated?

MaybeDoctor · 16/12/2014 20:51

I think that probably this is the one event that you should attend, apart from weddings and funerals.

However, you are going about it in the worst possible way by driving down and back in one day and by going in two cars so that you can't share driving. Ten hours of driving in one day is risky behaviour in terms of road-safety in my view. Plus, if your baby is a toddler by then the long hours in the car may well screw up his sleep patterns for several days afterwards. Why not tend to the animals in the early evening, leave home and drive part way with your DS asleep, stay overnight in a travelodge, then continue the next morning with a proportion of the journey already under your belt?

Can the adult children not take a train? Or a coach? I think that you just have to say no to them.