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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not trust my husband with my children's safety

31 replies

Member251061 · 15/12/2014 15:13

I have real anxiety issues about leaving my children generally. They are 10, 7 and 3. I don't trust my husband at all with them anymore as yesterday having been told a hundred times to not let our youngest near the road by herself, he did exactly that. My 7 year old told me as soon as soon as I met up with them that she nearly got run over and my husband shouted at her just before the car came. He is upset that it happened, but I just can't get over it. What would you do? I just feel that I can never leave my husband with them alone. (I was only shopping for 2 hours alone-a very rare experience!). Thank you

OP posts:
ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 15/12/2014 15:17

Yes this worries me too, DD came into living room holding too small sharp knives, dh was in kitchen when she got them and was engrossed in phone game Shock he will fall asleep before they do when left alone with them....loads of things.

i guess i am glad we ar still together so i can supervise as I dont know what I would do if we spit up and he had them alone...

CheeseBuster · 15/12/2014 15:24

You sound a bit possessive and anxious with the my children and my seven year old. Did you let him learn how to be a dad or did you just do everything from the start?

saoirse31 · 15/12/2014 15:26

Is it possible that he does things differently to you and you find that annoying. have none of your children ever had a near miss while you were minding them? Have u the children ready to report to you every mistake by him?

I may be completely wrong but sometimes I think the parent who minds children most often can frequently refuse to see any way other than their own as being correct. And if this isn't the case in your situation I apologise.

raltheraffe · 15/12/2014 15:28

I do not blame you. A 3 year old has no understanding whatsoever of road hazards and I insist that I constantly hold my 3 year old's hand when he is on a pavement of a busy road. It would take a matter of seconds for him to run into the road and get knocked down. I also insist I hold his hand in supermarket car parks and if he tries to wriggle his hand out of mine I pick him up.

SpicyBeat · 15/12/2014 15:37

I have suffered with anxiety and only now that I'm better can I see how hard I made things for DH. I'd hazard a guess that the not going near the road was one of many many points you'll have made to him, whether specifically before you left or just generally day to day because of your anxiety. If you can step outside your anxiety and put yourself in their shoes, think about all the stress and instructions. It's very very difficult for someone with a more "normal" approach to risk to listen and take all the worries of the anxious person seriously. So the important message, in your case your knowledge that the youngest is bad around roads at the moment, is lost in the general mess of overstated and irrational worries. It's a vicious cycle as you are trying to eliminate all risk, so when you have a bit of a close call, which is inevitable in life, that to you justifies all your fears. One mistake, which we all make and had no bad consequences on this occasion, means DH is no longer to be trusted AT ALL. It's really an impossible situation for your DH and I would urge you to look into available help so you can both enjoy life a bit more.

loveareadingthanks · 15/12/2014 16:30

I agree with the person above.

It sounds as though you have an anxiety problem. It's not healthy behaviour to have anxiety about being away from your children for short periods of time or leaving them with their other parent. It's not normal behaviour to remind someone hundreds of times about something bloody obvious. It's definitely not normal for a two hour shopping trip without your children to be such a big deal and a rare event.

Kids sometimes do the unexpected. Your husband was supervising, he called the child back, nothing bad happened. That's all perfectly normal and happens with all parents and children. I suspect the 'nearly run over' comment from your older child was a wind-up of over-anxious mum, it's the sort of thing kids that age find funny to do.

I agree any important messages are getting lost if you are constantly fretting about petty things and giving constant obvious instructions. I'd tune you out as well.

You can't be happy living with such anxiety. Your husband and kids will come to hugely resent the controlling aspects of it, if they don't already.

I think you might benefit from a trip to the GP to talk about all this.

loveareadingthanks · 15/12/2014 16:37

I also find your title and first sentence very telling. YOUR children? Aren't they your husband's as well?

I know I sound very unsympathetic. I do have enormous sympathy as I know how strongly you feel, and that you can't really help it. But you can choose to either keep going like this, or do something about it.

I grew up with parents with anxiety issues and know what it's like from the other side. It is hell to live with, and it was responsible for me leaving home age 17 to get my own life (although they were otherwise great parents and I've always had loving relationship with them). How on earth they manage to live with each other, I do not know.

TooHasty · 15/12/2014 16:40

Are they from a previous relationship, or are they with your DH?
If the latter then they are his children as much as yours and you have to let him do things his way

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 15/12/2014 16:45

Is this a regular type of incident or was it a one off? If it's a regular thing, has this started happening just recently or has it been happening over the past 10 years and 3 children?

Are they his children too?

Mehitabel6 · 15/12/2014 16:59

I think that you have an anxiety problem. He is equal parent and I don't think that you understand that. I would bet that you never gave him a look in from the start and didn't hand him the baby from day 1. Go away for the weekend, or at least for the day, and let him get on with it. Relax!

Mehitabel6 · 15/12/2014 17:01

You have to let him do things his way and not interfere. I bet you would be upset if he didn't trust you and was trying to tell you what to do!

Mehitabel6 · 15/12/2014 17:11

The whole problem lies in the thread title 'I don't trust my husband with my children's safety' - not our children's safety.

skylark2 · 15/12/2014 17:18

So what will you do if he decides it's bad for his kids to be overprotected all the time and he can't ever leave you alone with them?

Unless they are your kids and not his, you do not get to decide whether he can or can't look after them.

ilovechristmas1 · 15/12/2014 17:35

your treating your hubby like the 4th child,have you never took your eye of them for a second and made a mistake regarding your children

give him a break and let him parent his own children

OTheHugeManatee · 15/12/2014 17:35

YABU, but I think you know that deep down.

Have you talked to anyone about your anxiety? It doesn't sound normal.

Bulbasaur · 15/12/2014 17:36

Kids exaggerate. I'm sure if she was "nearly run over" your DH would have been in the road yanking her back, not just shouting at her to stop. That sort of stuff happens to even the most vigilant parents.

I'm mildly curious about why 7 year old has figured out that it's good to run and tattle to you like she would another child. This isn't a good family dynamic to make everyone against your DH.

Get help for your anxiety. This really is unfair on your DH to expect absolute perfection at all times. No parent is perfect, and it's certainly not fair on yourself to expect that of you either.

If for nothing else, get help so your children don't pick up your habits. As your children get older, they'll start internalizing and normalizing your anxiety and start getting just as neurotic.

I have a cousin who's mother always fretted about her leaving the house because she was worried she might die or get hurt. Now as an adult she too is afraid to leave the house, her sister NC'd the entire family. You want your children to have good mental health and it starts by modeling it yourself.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/12/2014 17:42

The fact that your DH was upset shows that he cares deeply about your DC. He hasn't shrugged it off or minimised it. I have made loads of parenting mistakes with my DC as has DH - DS1 falling down the stairs as a toddler was not my proudest moment Blush. Have you never made a mistake with the children yourself?

I think your anxiety is too high and you need to get some professional help so I would second the visit to the GP. You are not letting your DH be a parent to his own children and ultimately that could damage his relationship with them and with you.

unsafehusband · 15/12/2014 18:25

Some parents are not to be trusted with the safety of their children, whether your husband is one of these only you will know. Has anything happened before? If he is generally pretty safe and this is a one off... then you are most like being unreasonable, if on the other hand he was like mine, not unreasonable. Most parents will make a couple of mistakes and near misses. He was aware enough to shout and prevent an accident at least.

Mine forgot to feed them, forgot to give them drinks regularly, did not think that they needed a nappy changed unless it was pooy, left the baby in the bath to answer the phone, (I heard the phone and ran, knowing he was expecting a call from MIL and he would put that first and found very little toddler standing up in the bath alone) left them in their coat in the car when the sun came out while he was so hot that he took his own coat and jumper off, left them in just a vest in the middle of winter (more than once) while he claimed it was not that cold (in a jumper and under the duvet) thought it was ok to have the big windows open in the second floor while the children were in the room... he had previously let one play with the poo in their nappy and spread it about while he had been in the room so not so hot on supervising them, he shouted at me that he could not look for cars while he was playing with ds when ds nearly got run over... (thankfully I was supervising too and stopped ds) he left things in front of the changing mat risking falls while holding a baby, left the door open and ds fell down the stairs and smacked the 18month old when baby weed on the changing mat.

Oh and social services say it is the responsibility of the non risky parent to protect the children...

Oh and those going on about letting him have the baby from day one.. he did not get to have the baby very much from about day five when he tried to shake the baby and was yelled at from across the room before he could actually do it.

And I had no idea he would be like this with the children before we had them, though for the second I knew I would have to be 100% responsible for their care and safety.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/12/2014 19:01

unsafe
You had more than one child with that man? Confused

Mehitabel6 · 15/12/2014 19:17

You had more than one child with that man?

If he was that bad and you couldn't leave your baby with him from day one I would certainly have left him!!

Mehitabel6 · 15/12/2014 19:20

My 7 year old told me as soon as soon as I met up with them that she nearly got run over and my husband shouted at her just before the car came

I think she is playing one off against the other and must have heard you issuing instructions and criticising his parenting before now.

Ragglefrock · 15/12/2014 19:39

I think the op is being treated unfairly. A child has a near miss whilst being cared for by a parent who has form for risky behaviour and yet it's the op who has to visit the gp to try and relax more?!

HearMyRoar · 15/12/2014 19:50

The op doesn't say he had form for risky behaviour. She just says she gets anxious about leaving her children and that this one incident happened. If there are more examples of him acting irresponsibly then I might change my opinion but based on the evidence given I think the op is over anxious.

Bulbasaur · 15/12/2014 20:27

A child has a near miss whilst being cared for by a parent who has form for risky behaviour and yet it's the op who has to visit the gp to try and relax more?!

Where does she say he has form? She says she can't trust him with merely one example to back it up.

They're saying to visit the GP because most parents don't:

  • Continuously dwell on everything that could possibly go wrong before leaving the house
  • Never leave their children with the other parent
  • Lose complete trust over an incident that could happen to any parent, including her.

If she had a list of examples beyond a typical one that happens to parents everyday at the parks, I think the responses would be different.

Icimoi · 15/12/2014 20:45

Relax. He will have learnt his lesson from this incident. You really need to learn to trust him.