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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be exasperated by 4-year-olds' fulsome embrace of gender stereotypes

90 replies

leedy · 15/12/2014 13:36

Rationally, I know that wanting to put things into categories ("for boys", "for girls") is ENTIRELY DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE. Irrationally, though...

Family: watches Avatar, The Last Airbender (which is excellent)
DS1 (nearly 5): This is great. I'm glad it's not girly.
Me: I am a girl. I am enjoying this. Also it has a girl in it, being really brave and stuff. I would have really liked this when I was a little girl.
DS: But it's not for girls. Because it doesn't have princesses in it.
Me: head explodes

Anyone else? Just me? awaits being told that liking princesses is genetic and I cannot FIGHT NATURE

OP posts:

JavelinArse · 15/12/2014 14:54

Mistress it matters because for several months my son thought that he couldn't play with certain toys because they were 'for girls', it makes me that children get brainwashed by gender stereotypes from such a young age or at all really

JavelinArse · 15/12/2014 14:57

Several months ago my friends daughter wet herself (3yo), she had no spare clothes with her and refused to wear any of the clean clothes I had because 'they're boys clothes'. She got very upset hysterical at the thought of wearing them, it seemed like total madness to me but unfortunately that is how my friend chooses to raise her child

TheLovelyBoots · 15/12/2014 14:58

It bothers me hugely.

My boys are almost 9 and 12 - the older is pretty much moving out of this. For example, he's very fond of my trainers and wears them sometimes - they're gray and yellow so not fantastically girly, but it's progress.

CelesteToTheDance · 15/12/2014 15:05

I raised my three year old gender neutral, girls and boys clothes/toys/colours/books/TV programmes. In the last few months she has begun to refuse to watch, read, wear or play with anything she considers 'boyish'. She identifies with older girls and wants to be like them I suppose. I'm really surprised at how strong her attitudes are and am a bit perplexed at where they could have come from. Everything is so gendered nowadays, they absorb all that advertising even if you think they're less exposed to it.

Ratracerunner · 15/12/2014 15:08

My boys know what their father does for a living but when asked what mummy does they 'don't know because "mummies don't do proper work!"

For the record I work full time, and more hours than my husband and they've actually visited my office!

I don't know where they get this bizarre idea, but I'm assuming it will pass. They will certainly grow up with a clear understanding that women count just as much, parenting is a shared joy, and everyone should have a respect for others personal choices.

In the meantime I grit my teeth...

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 15/12/2014 15:13

I have always expalined things to DD that some girls like pink and some like blue and some like green and purple, and some like princess and..........and........trains......and dinasours.....and it depends what each person likes not if they are a girl or boy.

RaspberryBeret34 · 15/12/2014 15:19

YANBU, it drives me crazy too. My DS is only 2 and recently said that pink is disgusting. He also said in the summer that he is going to "grow up into a man and mow the lawn for you, mummy"! I change the words of some books (eg cave baby "I live with my mum who's good at painting and my Dad who is very brave" - I switch "mum" and "dad"). Its hard though - he spends time on a relatives farm, my uncle is a builder etc so has it constantly reinforced that women do indoors and caring things and men do fun outdoors tractor/building/farming stuff.

sleeplessbunny · 15/12/2014 15:23

It's hard isn't it? DD (3) likes to choose a magazine at the local shop, usually she goes for Octonauts Peppa or THomas but yesterday she insisted on getting "Sparkle" mainly because this week her fave colour is pink. I've had a look through it and it's full of female characters going shopping and putting on makeup, the most exciting think that happens in any of the stories is the My Little Ponies putting on a play. I am trying not to stifle her but with this sort of dross on sale it's difficult to give her free rein without internally exploding with rage.

JingleBellSniffer · 15/12/2014 15:27

are you watching the live action film? then YABU ;)
but no, YANBU at all. katara is amazing and so is Toph. Really amazing characters and really strong. A:TLA is my favourite show of all time and no I don't care if it's a cartoon.
I used to play with Action Men and GI Joes and stretch armstrongs as well as scalextric when I was little - little sis had dolls & a kitchen set!
there really is no such thing as boys and girls toys HOWEVER i would not dress a little boy in flowery glittery things, but I wouldn't necesarily dress a boy in blues either. I just don't like flowers. I wouldn't dress a little girl in flowers. I had grey dresses and they were gorgeous!
it's not to do with gender! it's social conditioning.
Boys ARE more rough and tumble than girls in the majority and girls ARE my princesses and glitter in the majority.
I think until they can decide whether they want to dress in pink if they are a boy or blue if they are a girl it's the parents choice.
if I want to show my little girl ATLA I will. If I want to show my little boy My Little Pony I will.
but liking those things if you arwe a little boy sets you up for bullying. I wouldn't send a little boy to school in pink mary janes and a barbie backpack. I'm sure a lot of parents wouldn't either - but make sure on mumsnet they say they don't like the idea of gender stereotyping. More girls than boys that I know like ATLA.
More boys than girls I know like My Little Pony.
its all about preference when they get older - before that it's parental decision.
You tell your little boy he can be a princess, but going to school and saying "I'm a gorgeous princess" isn't setting them up well for awful ruthless kids who will rip the shit out of them.
First hand experience - I wasb a dinosaur at 6 years old. I'm female. Imagine how much shit I got for that.

MistressDeeCee · 15/12/2014 16:01

JavelinArse sorry Im struggling to decipher how a very young child living with their parent(s) at home hence there is at least some filter from the outside world's views, can manage to be brainwashed to such an extent that they actually fear playing with certain toys. Then again I don't care if girls play with what are deemed girls toys, vice versa for boys unless its going to turn them into a 2 headed monster when they reach 16. I just see it as another thing some adults give themselves to worry about.

PortofinoVino · 15/12/2014 16:10

you just have to keep going on and on at them it sinks in at some point

Then rapidly disappears again at about the age of 10 (despite MNers best efforts)

MummyBeerest · 15/12/2014 16:16

I hate this shit too. DD is just 2 but my family members are determined to make her a walking gender stereotype. The toy kitchen set they bought her is "for girls" because it's pink and has cupcakes and cookies. The "boys" one is blue and has a BBQ.

...Because obviously, men like meat because they're men, and girls need chocolate in a period emergency.

Everything they buy is Disney Princesses, pink, ballerina shit. They told me I need to paint her room and make it "girl-friendly"...

I could go on all day. She's 2. She couldn't possibly give a fuck about all this. I want her to be a kid, not a princess.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 15/12/2014 16:27

Oh for goodness sake it doesn't last. It's a phase they all se to need to go through and then grow out of.

My dd 3 was the girlie at girl and is a big haired glam teen but enjoys rugby too.

The more you angst about it the more they will side against you and push your buttons

They will go the way they go.

They don't all grow up agreeing with what their parents think. Sometimes the stronger your opinions the more you drive them in the opposite direction just to develop their own way.

Toys don't matter as long as they have access to the ones they want and have access to a wide range of them. Relatives do buy pink and blue crap and it really doesn't matter in the end.

They sort their identity out when they are older. You can't fight peer pressure, it passes.

MummyBeerest · 15/12/2014 18:49

I know it's silly. I really, really do.

But my family is obsessed with this shit.

Even the crib we had before DD was born wasn't good enough because "boys don't sleep in lace."

My mother tells me frequently to hold my pinky up if I drink from a cup.

It just drives me apeshit.

Meh84 · 15/12/2014 19:00

Totally agree with Whatsthewhatsthebody

I really wouldn't panic over it. They'll be grown up before you know it and able to make their own decisions.

For the record....I LOVE buying pink Disney shit for my DD who is 2

Quiero · 15/12/2014 19:07

It's the adverts on TV, it's like an impossible tide of gendered shit that is impossible to fight against. Have you ever seen a doll advert featuring a boy? Or a scalextric advert featuring a girl?

Mehitabel6 · 15/12/2014 19:08

I think people should stop making such a big deal of it

They are small children making sense of their gender. It is a normal stage-relax- it is a phase and they get through it.

Mehitabel6 · 15/12/2014 19:12

The more you angst about it the more they will side against you and push your buttons

And they are very good at it!

They don't all grow up agreeing with what their parents think. Sometimes the stronger your opinions the more you drive them in the opposite direction just to develop their own way

Very true.

It passes-a very short phase and then you are onto the next phase.

Fanfeckintastic · 15/12/2014 19:22

We have this all the time. We all pat each other on the back for our tomboy DDs and our princess loving DSs and rage about stereotypes and pink tat being foisted on girls yada yada yada.

It's really no big deal, a phase, like tantrums, asserting independence, teenage rebellion etc. This subject is so over done.

Bulbasaur · 15/12/2014 20:37

I told my family not to give baby DD princess stuff for her birthday or Christmas because I'll have more than enough of that crap in my house when she reaches the age of "Girls do this, boys do that".

It's just normal part of development to find your place in the "tribe" and what it all means. I loved dresses and pink when I was little, but I also loved action figures and animals. As I got older I had a mix of dolls, action figures, and gender neutral toys. I didn't grow out of wanting to wear dresses all the time until I was 12.

MummyBeerest · 15/12/2014 21:01

I know this is all true.

But having a sick 2yo for the past week who watches all Disney princess movies on a loop and only wants to wear dresses despite it being -11 some days has made me hate it.

And over-analyze it.

Mehitabel6 · 15/12/2014 21:50

Letting them work through it with a bit of a joke is much quicker than taking it all seriously and making it an issue.

mrsfuzzy · 15/12/2014 23:17

at the risk of getting flamed badly, what is everyones problem with this gender nonsense ? kids should be able to choose they're own preferences for toys etc, stuff the p.c crap and get a life in the real world, so what if girls prefer princesses and little jonny wants to play with action men ? let kids enjoy their childhood instead of pushing this feminist crap [ which is good and fight in most case but not on this occasion, it's a free country after all,

JavelinArse · 15/12/2014 23:22

feminist crap? you deserve a flaming for that comment!

It has nothing to do with trying to be p.c, I want my son to enjoy his childhood and do what he wants to do, not feel constrained by the idea that boys and girls should only play with certain toys/do certain things.

Oh and I have a life in the real world thanks

mrsfuzzy · 15/12/2014 23:31

javelin i agree with you that dc shouldn't be constrained by gender stereo types, but it really bugs me when some people seem to be hell bent on trying to control what their kids play with and make such a big issue of it when their dd's want certain toys or ds's want to play with 'boy's toys. my kids 4 ds and 2dds had a wide selection of toys but invaraibly went for their percieved gender toys, making their own choices, i was never going to get wound up about it, no point, and they have all grown up to be sensible, decent people.

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