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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu not giving my babies things to sil... *Very sensitive topic*

99 replies

IloveOreossx · 15/12/2014 12:14

in october 2011 I went into hospital at 39weeks pregnant with signs of labour. ultrasound then revealed that my daughter was gone. I'm not over it, its still very raw to talk or think about. I dont think anyone ever gets over something like that... I was over mils yesterday with my pregnant sil.
SIL then said "I'm having DDS NAMEs things, arent I?" My reply was "Well uh no. you're fking not!" sil then started shouting at me and calling me a selfish bitch and worse. I burst into tears and left. Mil was just sat there, mouth wide, eyebrows in her hairline while I walked out. I vaguely heard "What the absolute f are you thinking SILS NAME*" I just jumped in my car and drove off. AIBU? I've kept all of my daughters things in a big box with her ashes, Its the closest thing to a resting place I can give her, I don't want anyone taking that :(

OP posts:
Groovee · 15/12/2014 12:29

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Your SIL is completely out of order even thinking this.

Much love to you x

Original poster
IloveOreossx · 15/12/2014 12:30

DH is working away atm so can't do anything, hes not back until the 19th so will probably give her a bollocking then.
I can't really avoid seeing her as she lives with MIL (yet the financially independent son is the one whos looked down on ;)) And I go over there frequently to help mil and father and law out with gardening and such. i dont wanna punish them for something that they didnt do.

OP posts:
ChristmasJumperWearer · 15/12/2014 12:31

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with the advice to let your OH deal with her now.

And if that means screwing up Christmas plans - do it. Take care of yourself. Don't see her again in a hurry. I very much doubt she will apologise, unless strong armed by your MIL. Who, I hope, has bawled her out for her inexcusable behaviour.

((Hugs))

Original poster
IloveOreossx · 15/12/2014 12:31

Yes, I did a year of counselling through mental health services which was a big help x

OP posts:
Tinkerball · 15/12/2014 12:34

How is it possible for anyone to be so horrible and insensitive? Self centred piece of work she sounds.

SaucyJack · 15/12/2014 12:34

She's lower than a snake's belly.

So very sorry for the loss of your daughter xx

MonstrousRatbag · 15/12/2014 12:34

Well, given you can't avoid her and your DH is away, is it worth ringing your MIL and working out a way forward, at least until the 19th ( MIL comes to you instead, or you meet in town or when SIL is out or something?) If she likes a row SIL make have a follow up planned. Don't walk into the lion's den.

And I meant to say, so sorry about all this-your loss, and having such a horrid person exploiting it in this way.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 15/12/2014 12:35

Your SIL is a complete cow and no YANBU.

they are your daughters belongings and you have every right to keep them, she has NO right to expect you to give them to her!

I had a miscarriage last year, im now 26 weeks pregnant again and there are some items id bought for my first baby that I cant bear to use for this baby, to me they belong to my dd even if she never got to use them.

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 15/12/2014 12:38

Personally I wouldn't be speaking to her again for a very long time if ever.

Storytown · 15/12/2014 12:39

OMG you are sooo NBU.

If you can manage it, make contact with your MIL, she must be feeling terrible. Not that you aren't too but you and she should lovely and I bet she doesn't have a clue what to do next .

CerealMom · 15/12/2014 12:39

You can avoid MiL's house for the time being and MiL will understand that you're not avoiding her but SiL.

crazykat · 15/12/2014 12:39

It's rare that my jaw drops when reading something shocking but it just about hit the floor when I read the op. She's got some brass neck expecting to have anyone's baby things in any circumstances never mind in yours. She's either incredibly stupid, entitled or a total bitch, quite possibly all three.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't begin to imagine what you went through.

I've never said this before but if I were you I'd go nc with your bitch of a sil. Let your dp deal with her from now on, assuming he wants to speak to her again.

FayeFruitLoop · 15/12/2014 12:40

I'm so sorry for your loss.

YANBU

She is B fuckingtwatfacingandmore VVVVV Unreasonable

In your shoes I would never have another word to say to her

Labtest7 · 15/12/2014 12:42

Your SIL is completely out of order. I lost my first baby at 42 weeks gestation in 2005. I still have some things I bought for her that I didn't even use for my second daughter. I'm disgusted at your SIL to be honest

mumofthemonsters808 · 15/12/2014 12:46

Very cruel behaviour from your SIL, it never ceases to amaze me how awful some people can be. You did the right thing leaving.

RojaGato · 15/12/2014 12:49

I am so sorry to her about your loss Flowers

DP needs to read the riot act and draw the line once and for all. Nothing like that can ever happen again. Sounds like he will be able to get MiL to ram that point home in addition.

I had a miscarriage and as soon as SiL found out we were trying again, she drove 1.5 hours to PiL house, jet herself in and got DPs old horse on wheels walker out of the loft and took it for her PFB. I bawled and DP went ballistic. Can't say it's ever been the same since and doubt it ever will. Still, haven't seen her for nearly two years so that's a plus.

Saw from your post that you got counselling via mental health services. Just to say CRUSE offer specialist counselling for grief that is sensitive and effective if you ever need to revisit. Say if you get insensitively treated by an idiot. It is free.

RojaGato · 15/12/2014 12:49

*idiot like your SiL, if it wasn't clear.

JT05 · 15/12/2014 12:50

So sorry for your loss. I can only support what others have said. Take care of yourself and DP.

duplodon · 15/12/2014 12:52

I am so sorry for your loss.

This is so inappropriate, unreasonable and unexpected, my only thought is to question whether she is thinking rationally at the moment. It's just so beyond the pale of what's okay that I wonder if she has some challenges to her social or interaction skills for some reason, it's WAY beyond being a bitch or entitled or what have you. It's not just a minor thing, I've never heard anything like it. I mean, it's OUTRAGEOUS. Putting it mildly. Very mildly.

LaPetiteCoccinelle · 15/12/2014 12:56

That is one of the most callous things I've ever heard.

YANBU to keep those things for you and your DH.

I also think MIL would understand if you avoided going there for a while. Let yourself have a cooling off period of not going round and then go NC as much as possible with SIL (I understand this will be difficult as she lives with MIL).

FryOneFatManic · 15/12/2014 12:58

IloveOreossx I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

Your SIL is an utter bitch. And if she's never liked you, it wouldn't surprise me if she did this in an attempt to make you look bad and selfish (according to her view). If so, it's backfired spectacularly.

You are absolutely not in the wrong here, and I doubt you'd find anyone who would think your SIL is in any way in the right.

Number3cometome · 15/12/2014 12:58

I am so sorry for your loss. What an absolute fucking disgrace of a woman.
Especially being pregnant too - it's every pregnant woman's nightmare, she is totally insensitive and I absolutely wouldn't blame you if you NEVER spoke to her again.
How on earth could she ever think you would give up your DD's things to her?
Has DH said anything?
I hope that MIL gave her a proper bollocking after.

I am sorry but no apology after that would ever cut it for me.

I would seriously consider giving the inlaws a wide berth over Christmas.

So sorry OP, you really did not deserve that to be thrown at you.

monkeytroubles · 15/12/2014 13:10

So sorry for your loss Flowers

Your SIL should be utterly ashamed of herself. She was entirely unreasonable to assume that she is somehow entitled to anything you had bought or been given for your baby. Anyone with an ounce of empathy would not have brought it up at all, let alone in such a crass, insensitive manner. Good for you for standing up to her appalling behaviour and for walking out when she had the (frankly astonishing) gall to shout at you. Are you OK? It must have been so upsetting for her to turn on you like that.

If a member of my family had suffered such a loss, the absolute last thing on my mind would be "what freebies can I get out of this?" What does your DH say about it all? I think he should be having a word with her to be honest.

CoolCat2014 · 15/12/2014 13:11

Shock I'm speechless! Your sister in law needs a slap! Horrendous behaviour!

I'm so sorry for your loss, treasure what you have. It's different I know, but my older brother died when I was a child, I still treasure some random things he gave me just before his death, it's like all you've got left of them. Keep hold of those precious little things x

shelfontheelf · 15/12/2014 13:16

I am so sorry for your loss.

She sounds horrendous, and agree that someone needs to have a word with her. It would take me a long time to want to be civil to her again.