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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think 18 year olds are adults and should act as so

53 replies

Mumofasdteen · 14/12/2014 23:42

Dn is 18 and her mum is still getting her up for college and makeing her lunch. She rarely Helps out her mother. She also dose not have a job.

OP posts:
TooMuchCantBreathe · 15/12/2014 09:07

How old are your kids op?

Hatespiders · 15/12/2014 09:09

I left home at 16 and never went back. I was independent from then on. (early sixties) I started Uni at 17 and had 1 year in Residence then got a room in a flat. I cooked for myself and budgeted, got cleaning and catering jobs to fund myself domestically (Uni fees were paid by Local Authorities in those halcyon days) My ghastly parents had never done much for me anyway, and when I left that was the last time I ever saw them, so I was used to fending for myself, and actually blissfully happy to have escaped from them at last.
But I would hate to think of an 18 yr old not having some mothering, such as the op describes; it's lovely, and my dsis has always mothered her two girls beautifully, they're in their early twenties now. It's what mums do, and very warming, supportive and caring. So I'm sorry, but YABU.

lunar1 · 15/12/2014 09:11

Yes op, everyone should wake up an adult in their 18th birthday. No transition required!

I went to uni at 18 and changed a massive amount over the 3 year course then settling into work after that. When you hit 18 it's the first time you get to start making choices about your life. It takes time to find your way as an adult. Stop being so judgmental.

fairylightsonthetree · 15/12/2014 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/12/2014 09:17

In what way does this affect you?

I think it is unusual for an 18 year old not to have a part time job, personally. But making her lunch? So what?

Mousefinkle · 15/12/2014 09:20

oh I don't know, I felt this way a little bit about my friends still pretty much being babied by their mums into their early twenties. I had to make it on my own from 16, taught myself everything from scratch etc so seeing 21/22 year olds STILL living off the bank of mum and dad, having their washing done for them, being cooked for, being ferried around everywhere and all the rest did make me think they needed to grow the fuck up. I realise now that was just a projection of my own feelings about being left to fend for myself and having to grow up so quickly at 16 though.

If you're making yourself food it's polite to offer others the same, likewise with a drink. I think it's lovely that some parents care enough to still want to help their teenagers out when a lot like mine want shut of them as quick as possible. You don't wake up on your 18th birthday and magically become an adult, they're still quite immature and naive at that age and need looking out for. They should, however, know how to cook for themselves, budget, use a washing machine and so on but it's ok if their parents help them out with it all.

Ludways · 15/12/2014 09:21

I think the question is whether she could do it on her own if she had too, most people who do nothing when living at home somehow step up when they leave.

I did nothing when I lived at home, I was very rarely home and my mum did everything for me. When I left home at 18, I went to live abroad, obviously I did everything myself. I'm 47 now and my mum still looks after me when she gets the opportunity.

If your dn appreciates her mum and shows her, then that's the nicest thing. I always feel loved and secure when my parents are near by, I hope my own dc's get that lovely warm feeling around me when they're middle aged too.

DustInTheWind · 15/12/2014 09:39

You have a strange username, considering the nature of your post.
Most parents of ASD teenagers, IME, are surprisingly unjudgy of other parents of teenagers.
Why does it bother you that other people parent differently?
I woke both mine for college when they were teens, neither of them had a job because I wanted them to concentrate on getting good grades for A levels and as they are both on the spectrum, a job would have been an extra complication. They have always helped out at home.
How do you manage with your own children?

StarOnTheTree · 15/12/2014 09:52

DD1 (18) is at college and I often give her a shout on a morning to check that she's up BUT she knows that I'm not responsible for her getting up. I just do it out of courtesy as I would do for anyone in the house.

She doesn't have a 'real' job but she does a bit of freelance work and she's involved in many community projects. She does help me out, not so much with chores but with DD3 (7).

I sometimes make her lunch, sometimes she makes mine :)

Littlef00t · 15/12/2014 09:59

when I was at school, certainly 17, 18, I didn't even see my parents in the morning as apparently I was too grumpy and argumentative first thing in the morning so they stayed in bed til I'd walked to the train station (I might have been sometimes but I was never bad)

Looking back it does make me sad that I didn't even get a goodbye, have a good day from them. As long as teenagers don't take gestures for granted I think it's lovely to do little things like this for them.

solidussnake · 15/12/2014 10:10

I'm a tad bit older. When I was 16-18 I dropped out of college twice, couldn't get a job so got an apprenticeship, now i work in law.
to be fair, both me and my DP still live at home with our parents. we're too young to move out, too dumb & too skint.
but we pull our weight.
moving out is not a big thing. My uncle was 30 before he moved out and got married.
my own mother didn't even move out until 20 then realised she couldn't afford anything and moved back home.
Legally yes, 18 year olds are adults. but mentally, they're not.

Mulligrubs · 15/12/2014 10:18

I think it's lovely if the mum and adult child are happy with it.

My mum did a lot for us - we helped but she liked making us lunch, driving us to college and doing our laundry. I moved out at 18 and have been able to do all those things for myself no problem and am very independent.

I'm now 26 with my own child and when I go and visit my parents (they live ages away) or they come to me they do everything for me even though I tell them not to and force them to relax! Mum in particular enjoys looking after us when we come to stay. I make sure I buy the shopping and make a few dinners and help with cleaning though Smile. She will take DS while DP and I lie in.

What I'm trying to say is that some parents want to do those things for their grown up children, they enjoy looking after them. It's only a problem if the parent or child is unhappy with the arrangement.

cardibach · 15/12/2014 11:51

My DD is 18. While she was at school I made sure she as up (although as I worked I her school and drive her in it would have been odd not to). She bought lunch, but with money from an allowance I gave her as I didn't want her to worm intern time. I'm a teacher and have seen too many teenagers underachieve because they worked too many hours.
This September she went to University. She didn't get a place I halls, so found a house, and housemates, by her own efforts. She cooks, cleans and functions as an adult. When she comes home on Friday I fully intend to mother her as much as she will allow!
YABU. It's about family relationships.

cardibach · 15/12/2014 11:53

Excuse typos above. Also, I committed the cardinal MN sin of not making DD do her own laundry. Funnily enough she is managing to do it now...

Bowlersarm · 15/12/2014 12:01

Yabu. At 18 my Ds is still a schoolboy. It takes nothing for me to wake him up when I'm also waking up his younger brothers.

Agree with those saying, butt out, nine of your business.

PortofinoVino · 15/12/2014 12:06

Like Judge Judy says:

"At 18 they aren't fully cooked yet."

She's right.

JingleBellSniffer · 15/12/2014 12:13

my mum will clean the house top to bottom, going into my space and doing my room becuase it's not up to her standards. reason one why I can't wait to move out.
But I don't need to clean my room per se. I don't need to do my laundry, just bring the basket down. bring cups down and do the washing up and do things when asked.
but the going into my space thing... nooo. Same as the opening my post thing.

JingleBellSniffer · 15/12/2014 12:13

also sorry NC from Solidus Smile

Fallingovercliffs · 15/12/2014 12:17

Why is the OP getting such a hard time? She didn't say it was her business. She's just commenting on it, the way people on AIBU comment about loads and loads of things they see and hear of to canvass opinions.

In my view, if an 18 yr old is not helping out around the house then, yes, they need to grow up a bit.

fatlazymummy · 15/12/2014 12:17

My son is 18 , he can usually get himself up in the morning, but I have been calling him the last couple of weeks because he's getting tired now. Today he got himself up at 5 to go to work ,before he goes to college this afternoon.
He does have a part time job, which took him ages to land. That's not his fault that Saturday jobs don't really exist now.
He can use public transport himself ,but he has told me that a lot of people he knows can't. They get ferried round by their parents until they get their own cars.
I do think teenagers tend to be more immature nowadays, but thats a result of parents being more protective, education being extended and the job market being different.

fatlazymummy · 15/12/2014 12:28

Would just like to add, I'm very proud of my son. He had delayed speech and development when he was little and he's really acheived a lot.

Floisme · 15/12/2014 12:33

You'd have a field day with me. My son's in sixth form and I give him a shout in the mornings, get his breakfast and sometimes even run him to school Blush

On the other hand he's expected to do things around the house. He cooks for us all once a week and he's been doing his own washing since he was 13. He doesn't have a part time job (I don't know anyone his age who does any more) but he's doing work experience for half a day a week - unpaid.

Surely it's just about trying to get the balance right? In some ways my son's more cossetted than I was at his age but it was a different world then and his life's probably going to be harder than mine.

Number3cometome · 15/12/2014 12:38

My 11 year old is self sufficient. Can make his own lunch, sort his clothes out, take himself to and from school, even assist with my younger child.

That being said, I am still his Mum and I actually like doing stuff for him.

If your sister has an issue with this, I am sure she can deal with it.

I'd keep your opinions on it to yourself, other people's children can be a VERY emotive subject.

BreakingDad77 · 15/12/2014 13:29

You are not being unreasonable if she is still acting like a brat at 18.

DW's nieces are like this, entitled much! Their mum is a single parent and is run ragged, does them individual meals at dinner time, and they all throw a hissy if they asked to fill the washing machine, do basic chores.

Yes there is nothing wrong with offering things as you would any adult in a household, making a cup of tea etc.

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 15/12/2014 13:41

YABU to think that you suddenly become mature and ready to deal with everything by yourself the second you turn 18.