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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell you that I'm gay?

67 replies

GetBackInTheCloset · 14/12/2014 22:21

There. I said it .

This is the first time I have ever admitted to that even online. I don't think I could dare to come out in real life. I've even name changed for this as I don't even want this linked to my regular NN just because of the small chance someone might recognise me .

I've only ever had relationships with men and am constantly lying through my teeth about who I'm attracted to.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I guess I just need to say this at least once.

OP posts:

NormaStits · 15/12/2014 06:58

Try to build up a support network. There'sa forum called gingerbeer, that's a good place to start online. They're very welcoming to newcomers and there is plenty of advice to be had. They also arrange meetups occasionally, if that's something you'd ever think of doing in the future. Even if it's not, the meet ups are only a tiny part of the board so don't let that put you off.

You don't need to tell your family until you're ready but it would be good for your mental health if you could find a way to have some people in your life who would support you.

You are at a scary stage of your life now but it does get easier.

KarmaViolet · 15/12/2014 07:41

Second the suggestion of joining Gingerbeer - here's the link: boards.gingerbeer.co.uk/index.php

And to those who say coming out is no big deal and nobody has a problem with it - you've clearly never had to do it! It is a big deal and it can be very daunting but the good news is that it gets better. Mostly people's families react better than they thought and even if that's not the case, forming relationships and friendships on your own terms is a relief. Check out Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" clips for heartwarming stories :)

Catsize · 15/12/2014 08:51

Op, well done. Coming out to yourself is the first (and most difficult) step. Double, not sure you realise this, which is why what OP has done is a big thing.

MakeMineADaiquiri · 15/12/2014 09:28

OP nobody here might know you but it's still a big step for you, admitting your gay to yourself is the hardest part of it all and if your secure in that then your already off to a good start. Please don't think you have to deny who you are for the rest of your life.

If it helps I've recently came out I left my husband and father of my children because I realised I was gay. Id be lying if I said it had all been easy it's been a real emotional roller-coaster, I've lost family and some friendships but mostly people have been fantastic. I've now got a wonderful girlfriend who means everything to me, my children love her and we are all happier than ever. I know it's scary but you wont be doing yourself or any men you start relationships with any favours by faking it.

bette06 · 15/12/2014 09:38

Well done! I remember as a teenager writing those words in a letter (back in the old days!) to a support organisation and how difficult and scary it was write it down and then see it there physically rather than as a thought in my head.

I agree with others who say start off by getting in contact with and support from other LGBT people - through online forums and, if possible in your area, through local groups. This is another suggestions for an online forum: emptyclosets.com/forum/

CatWreathkeith · 15/12/2014 09:52

Well done op.

Incidentally you might be suprised if/when you come out to your friends and family. It is unlikely that nobody you are really close to has noticed that you are conflicted, but even if they haven't, your sexuality doesn't define you, you are still the same person and if they love you they will want you to be happy, even if they have to reassess their thinking. At least I sincerely hope so.

Good luck, and well done.

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 15/12/2014 10:39

if someone else has a problem with who you like, that's their problem not yours.
if someone else has a problem with your "invisible illness", that's their problem not yours.

In either case, their biggest problem is bigotry and arseholeism!

it's a big thing for you to come out, so congratulations on taking this first step.

OfaFrenchMind · 15/12/2014 11:37

You could say you are a pansexual shagging anything over 18 and not married, and nobody on MN would raise an eyebrow. This is the good side of a forum where there is liberal competitiveness :) .
Use the site as a sounding board on how to do your coming out, or just discuss your preference, but do not be scared here.

flamingoland · 15/12/2014 14:41

What's with the people posting 'ok' to OP? This is clearly a huge deal to them, so in this instance I find tgat a bit of a cruel comment to post. to you OP, a brave first step.

uglyswan · 15/12/2014 15:00

Yay! Well done, Op! And yes, coming out online is quite a big first step and one you can go ahead and repeat on other boards until you feel ready to try it out irl, if you think that will help. Is there no single person among your family and friends that you feel you can trust with this information? I'm selectively out myself - some people obviously need loads of help getting over their own homophobia and general bigotry, but guess what? Not my job. Or yours.

ocelot41 · 15/12/2014 18:30

I like your idea of online glitter-throwing uglyswan.

hauntedhenry · 15/12/2014 18:44

YANBU. Well done, OP on taking this first step! You're gay! Nothing wrong with that. Next step, meet some like-minded people

shinyrobot · 15/12/2014 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

uglyswan · 17/12/2014 11:55

Thanks ocelot41! It is the way of my people...

Pagwatch · 17/12/2014 12:08

Oh good grief - saying 'ok' is cruel .

The posts acknowledging that this is a big step for the op are right.

But the day when the response to 'I'm gay/bi/hetro/whatever' is "ok" the wold will finally have grown up.

Sheesh.

CocobearSqueeze · 17/12/2014 12:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Xmas2014SantaD1048 · 17/12/2014 12:42

Congratulations for taking first scary step, and welcome to the club!
I also recommend Gingerbeer message boards as a good next step, lots women who've been in similar situations on there for hand holds x

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