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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell you that I'm gay?

67 replies

GetBackInTheCloset · 14/12/2014 22:21

There. I said it .

This is the first time I have ever admitted to that even online. I don't think I could dare to come out in real life. I've even name changed for this as I don't even want this linked to my regular NN just because of the small chance someone might recognise me .

I've only ever had relationships with men and am constantly lying through my teeth about who I'm attracted to.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I guess I just need to say this at least once.

OP posts:

Fairyfellowsmasterstroke · 14/12/2014 22:37

You can not live life "in the closet".

You are Gay.
Not a murderer
Not a thief
Not a rapist

You are a human being with needs - please find the strength to tell people and don't live a lie.

Good luck - you can hold your head up and be proud of who and what you are.

Theas18 · 14/12/2014 22:38

In my fantasy world where it matters to everyone what your sexuality is as little as it matters to me, you would be unreasonable posting here because it would be a non event. You'd just be my mn addicted friend.

However , in the real world where you see prejudice and difficulty , if telling us helps, grand .

I so wish it wasn't an issue at all, after all a sraight person doesn't have to announce they are straight. Get on and love who you love if it makes you both happy !

Hassled · 14/12/2014 22:38

There's a LGBT board here - I'm sure they'd point you in the direction of support groups etc. You could come out without coming out to your family, IYSWIM. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

NetworkGuy · 14/12/2014 22:38

Congratulations on this, the first step. Given how many others felt the same way as you did/do, but have eventually been able to come to terms and say it with no anxiety (perhaps after many months or years), I hope you lose your anxiety, over time, and that those around you accept this information in a graceful way, however much of a surprise it might be at first.

Good luck with the rest of your life, and hope it will be happy.

stubbornstains · 14/12/2014 22:40

Hmm....sounds like it might be worth trying to develop an additional support network to your family. Do you think that the time might come when you'll feel confident enough to contact some real life gay support/ social organisations? Do you think that counselling might help you find ways to stand up to your family?

raltheraffe · 14/12/2014 22:40

GetBackInTheCloset What is your invisible disability? I ask because I have bipolar and my family, including my sister a GP, have been very judgemental about it. If this is their attitude then it is probably better to have nothing to do with them. Yes they will probably judge you for being gay if they judge you for being disabled. They have the problem, not you. I would suggest you move on.
You say you have no-one else, but you can change that. Try contacting your extended family, they may be more tolerant, or join some clubs or societies.
My experience has taught me if people judge you for something which is not your fault, it is better to move on.

Mrsstarlord · 14/12/2014 22:40

Glad that it feels good to say it (virtually). People in RL might surprise you you know. My SS was telling me how hard it was for him to come out, but not one person changed their view of him, he was really surprised. We all love him just as we always did

elfycat · 14/12/2014 22:44

In chez elfycat we were just (about an hour ago) talking about when celebs 'come out' and I was expressing my admiration for people who have to do this.

First step - done.

Life is to short and precious to not make the most of. Please find a way to make who you are - who you are. Next stage is sharing it with someone in RL. lemisscared has covered that you will get different reactions. I'm afraid that some may well be negative but then it's a funny old world my understatement about people who think they have the right to inflict their values on others Others will make up for those and you will have support (and probably a few 'I knew it' comments)

kim147 · 14/12/2014 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puntasticusername · 14/12/2014 22:53

Well done, OP and good luck in your continuing journey. You have my full support, for whatever that's worth

manicinsomniac · 14/12/2014 22:55

I can understand the paralysing fear of not being able to come out.

My family are incredibly homophobic too (not my generation but the two above) and have made comments such as 'no gay person will ever be welcome in my home'. I have no idea where the attitude comes from (they aren't religious) but it's terrifying.

For a while I thought I might be gay (don't think I am, I think I'm asexual) and I used to cry myself to sleep at the thought of having to choose between never being happy in a relationship and losing the support of my family.

The relief of discovering that actually I don't want a relationship at all was huge.

Well done on taking a first step, however small, and I'm sorry that some posters have been unkind.

FunkyBoldRibena · 14/12/2014 22:56

If they are going to judge you anyway, may as well be for being gay as being disabled. In for a penny as they say.

MrsCosmopifairylight · 14/12/2014 22:59

Well done for telling us!

I agree with what many people have said here - go over to the LGBT boards and have a chat to people there.

See if you can join any clubs/societies where you can meet like-minded people, build a new or additional support network.

I find it shocking that in the 21st Century people still feel the need to pass judgement on other people's sexuality. It is a shame that you don't feel your family will be supportive, and that you feel that they are judgemental, but ultimately, you are still you.

I'm sure there are plenty of hands here to hold to help you on your way to telling people in RL.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 14/12/2014 23:07

It is 2014 generally people sexual preference don't matter.

Tbh you have nothing to feel to feel embarrassed about.

Life is for living. I am happy now because with the help of my therapist I have finally put my self first.

Those who can not be happy for me can fuck off.

You find some women ( I know I am presuming) attractive, but that doesn't mean you are going to pounce on every female out there.

Be happy and true to yourself

TonyThePony · 14/12/2014 23:20

But if they don't love and respect you for who you genuinely are, you don't really have them at all.

You shouldn't have to hide yourself from the people who love you.

I think, you'd either be pleasantly surprised/underwhelmed by their reaction or you'll be correct in your prediction, in which case at least you can live as you. There will be other people.

But congrats on coming out on here and good luck for the future.

It's sad that people still feel the need to 'announce' their sexuality, it just shouldn't matter. Just like having blonde/brown/red hair... A total non-issue

Gruntfuttock · 14/12/2014 23:27

OP, why are you pandering to your family's homophobia?

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 15/12/2014 00:01

Tell people. In your own way and own time ...

You will be amazed at how much every day folk don't care :) Honestly! And you can be yourself which is fine whoever and however you are!

When my DD1 came out at 20 even her 82 yr old nan didn't even blink, and it was a case of ' so.. go find a nice girlfriend'

She is 23 now , has a nice girlfriend and is much happier in her own skin.

MooseyMouse · 15/12/2014 01:50

Congratulations! Well done for taking the first step.

Do you know any LGBT people (even casually - a friend-of-a-friend or something?) Maybe tell them next. Certainly don't start by telling family if you think they'll struggle to be supportive. You can tell them at some point in the future if you want to but find some LGBT people first and give yourself time to find your confidence.

Consider phoning London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard for advice and to find local LGBT groups. They have a national database.

Good luck and welcome!

MyBaby1day · 15/12/2014 04:44

Don't you be worrying about it OP, like another pp said upthread, being gay is normal, natural and just as valid as being straight. I have a HUGE crush on another lady right now!! and it feels just as strong as when I have them on men. I'm glad you said it though (if it's made you feel proud I am). Hope you find happiness OP

musicalendorphins2 · 15/12/2014 04:59

I am sorry your family is prejudiced OP. Live your life, they don't need to know the details.

velourvoyageur · 15/12/2014 05:05

I do not know anyone who is judgemental about people being gay

Lucky you to be living in such a bubble.

I know many many such people!

Well done OP- I get how this is big for you

You don't have to come out to anyone if you don't want to. Being gay or straight shouldn't warrant an announcement. I am attracted to women and not out to my family for several reasons (exhibit A re: judgyness and also I don't think coming out is right for me- e.g. no one tells anyone they're straight do they, I feel the concept of coming out perpetuates this divide we have between gay/straight) but others know because it came up in one situation or another.

The only people my sexuality should affect are me and any potential partner of mine. I don't feel like I owe anyone anything and certainly don't feel like I'm "living a lie" in the presence of various people- their choice to assume I'm not gay/bi, isn't it? Straight is not the default ffs.

very surprised at some of the snippy replies on this thread must say.

fortifiedwithtea · 15/12/2014 05:42

OP I give a cousin technically my Mum's cousin , we are a big extended family. He is openly gay and has epilepsy. Some of the family have been very homo-phobic and some didn't understand the epilepsy. Then I was diagnosed with epilepsy too and went on medication and he got a bit more understanding.

So like you, he has for the most time a hidden disability.

Sadly some people are just narrow minded. But I think this thread has proved modern, educated, sensible people are not interested as in non judgemental doesn't make a difference to them /supportive of you coming out.

And what velourvageur says about you don't need to come out if you don't want to. She sums it up.

whitecandles · 15/12/2014 06:28

ignore all the people who're saying this is not a big step. it absolutely is.

ocelot41 · 15/12/2014 06:41

Hi (waves) I am bi!
Well done on taking the first step. Yaa boo to some of the goady fuckers up-thread.

TheMaddHugger · 15/12/2014 06:44

............ And............ ?

Gives you a ((((Hug)))

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