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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to give dd my dp's guitar.

58 replies

lemisscared · 14/12/2014 13:16

So my dd1 (grown up) wants an accoustic electric guitar for xmas. They start at £150 and it is really pushing my budget and the quality will be not brilliant. I really could do with not spending that much money if i don't have to.

Thats the thing - i don't! !

Dp has a guitar that he has had for years and never really used. Bought back in the time when we could afford luxuries. It was over £300 and a lovely instrument. Sitting in the corner of my bedroom gathering dust.

I would like to give it to dd and whilst dp says i can i can tell he isnt overly happy. He says he will not be able to replace it but he never touches it.

Its such a waste. My dd has just taught herself to play and it seems she is pretty good. Has even got a gig booked sometime in the summer.

I am really torn. It seems a shame the thing is never used and having to fork out £££ i cant afford for something not so nice.yet i also share dps reticence about letting sonething go we bought in easier times.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/12/2014 13:20

Yanbu

daisychain01 · 14/12/2014 13:22

If your DD is going to make sweet music with an instrument that would otherwise sit in the corner, untouched, unplayed and unused, then that's a great reason for giving it to her.

Whatever attachment your DP has to it, surely he can see that it's far better to let it go to a new set of fingers Smile who will do it justice. Especially keeping it in the family!

Maybe you can suggest to DD that it would be nice if she can invite you both to a gig, or if not, to play it when your DP is there to show him how much she enjoys playing it?

DoJo · 14/12/2014 13:37

Could you agree a compromise? Say that you will give her the guitar he has and then you will (both?) make an effort to save up for another one, whether that's to give to her so that she can return your partner's one, or a new one for him which will replace the one he has given her. Either way, it seems a shame for her to have to wait for a guitar when there is one waiting to be played, but I can understand him not wanting to give up something for good.

notagainffffffffs · 14/12/2014 13:40

Can you give him the money for it- 100 quid or so?

PurplePidjingThroughTheSnow · 14/12/2014 13:46

You can get a pretty decent acoustic-acoustic for £100 (that's how much my Tanglewood cost and she's a beauty!) but for gigging your DD will need the plug-in - you just can't get the same quality of sound by swinging a mic down.

Can you give your dd the electro (I assume she's got her own amp etc? Or can borrow one?) and promise your partner a replacement as his Christmas present?

Original poster
lemisscared · 14/12/2014 13:48

Still torn. Confused.

OP posts:
InfinitySeven · 14/12/2014 13:51

It's your DPs guitar. He wants to keep it. I would just accept that. You wouldn't gift her his car without his permission, and the end result is the same.

She might also feel bad about having taken his guitar, and be very worried about breaking it because it was his first.

If DD1 is grown up, how about giving her money towards a guitar?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/12/2014 13:52

He doesnt use it. Let her have it. Give it some life back.

TwinkleDust · 14/12/2014 13:52

It isn't yours to give.

overslept · 14/12/2014 13:55

I don't think you should give away something that belongs to him. He is also probably right that you will not be able to afford to replace it, and even if you do plan to save for a new one it will inevitably end up being pushed to the back of the list when an unexpected bill comes along and the guitar fund is deemed least important. Me and DP don't have DC, but if he wanted to give something of mine to a relative as a gift I'd be mightily pissed off.

KnackeredMerrily · 14/12/2014 13:56

He has said yes. He's allowed to do it and be unhappy about it. It's possible he will cheer up when he sees how happy it makes her.

Put £75 in a pot and promice to add to it and give him a replacement next Christmas second hand off ebay

hackmum · 14/12/2014 13:56

Is your DP your DD's father? I'm guessing not otherwise I don't suppose he'd mind.

it really makes perfect sense to give her the guitar - she'll use it, he won't. Obviously he thinks he will one day, as we all do, but it hasn't happened yet. But honestly, if he's only going to do it grudgingly it's probably best not to. I also think if your dd knows you're struggling financially it's a bit rich to ask for a present that will cost in excess of £150. Surely there must be a second-hand one somewhere you could buy her, or she could get for herself?

Nomama · 14/12/2014 13:58

Is DP DDs dad?

If yes, give her the guitar, he's being daft. He may even get more joy out of it if he asks her to show him how to...

If no, respect his boundaries... she is yours, what's yours could be hers but he is still that one tiny step removed and what is his is still his.

Daft I know, but may explain his reticence.

GloriousGoosebumps · 14/12/2014 15:11

In what world is it ok to give away someone else's property? Your DP is unhappy about giving away his guitar yet you now want Mumsnet's approval for handing it over to your daughter.

You say that your daughter is an adult, why don't you ask her if she's willing to contribute to her present and thus have a better guitar?

As for your DP, don’t be surprised if he resents you.

jay55 · 14/12/2014 15:17

Could he lend it to her while she saves for her own?

sausageandorangepickle · 14/12/2014 15:17

can't your dd borrow it and she and you both save up to buy her one of her own? maybe dd and dp will be able to duet if they both have guitars; and it also gives her more time to be sure she wants to use it, so you don't have 2 gathering dust...

Original poster
lemisscared · 14/12/2014 19:07

Lots of conflicting advice - my problem is that i agree with all of you!

DP isn't DD1's biological father but has been in her life since she was 18m, she is 24 now. Saying that, its not really a father and daughter relationship as we didn't move in together until DD1 was 7. I think it does make a difference and is a bit of an issue for me as I now have a dd2 with dp who is 9 and with the best will in the world, the bond is not so strong with dd1 and dp, not just for the obvious reason but dd1 is 24 now and even my relationship with her is obviously different than that with dd2 because she is older. She left home at 18 and lives with her dp. The obvious thing would have been for him to buy it but he wanted to buy her an iphone. (yes yes i know!)

DP is torn too, but i am worried that whilst it seems the most sensible idea, because if i dont buy DD1 the guitar I am going to have to buy SOMETHING and having spent about 100 and potentially going to spend a bit more on dd2 so i still have the dillema.

So it is not like he doesn't want her to have it but he is, and thats fair enough, very precious about this things and DD1, not so much. But surely it is better for an item to be used and appreciated rather than just gathering dust!

I think i am going to go out this week and have a look around at the guitars. My mum says she will give me £100 towards it so i can buy a better guitar for dd but still i have to find £150. If i can get something decent then i'll buy it, if not, we'll have another discussion.

Oh how i wish money was no object!

I should say that if DP was 100% or even 80% against giving up his guitar (and he actually used the fecking thing) i'd not even give it a second thought, but he feels pretty much the same as me because lets face it, even though im using the money from my evening cleaning job to fund xmas pressies this year, our money is our money so its not just me that saves..........arrgghhhhhhhhhhhh

OP posts:
Original poster
lemisscared · 14/12/2014 19:10

and if i don't spend the 150 on DD1 i can put 150 towards dp's present which i know he needs a new router for work, but well, thats not very exciting is it Confused

OP posts:
buttercupbear · 14/12/2014 19:23

She may want one for Xmas but if it's not affordable you don't HAVE to get it for her, even if it was you wouldn't. It is your dp's, she is 24. I don't think you should give it to her even if he seems to agree albeit half heartedly, he obviously isn't 100% on it so leave it. She should have her own, she should get it herself if it's such a big deal. Give her money towards one.

Storytown · 14/12/2014 19:32

I think a guitar is quite a personal thing and she'll want to choose it TBH.

Could he lend it to her while she gains experience and does some research for what she really wants. IME one guitar is never enough and whatever you buy, she will want to replace or add to IDC.

If she becomes attached to it, she can buy it off him when she makes her fortune.

Storytown · 14/12/2014 19:34

FWIW, I think £150 is a massive amount to spend on an adult child at Christmas, especially if your own situation is such that you'll miss £150, which it sounds like it is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/12/2014 19:38

Your daughter is grown up. If she wants a guitar she is able to earn the money to buy one.

I think it's very unreasonable of you to take your DPs guitar. Give her something of yours if you feel that you must make such provision for an adult.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/12/2014 19:40

Good point from other posters... why must you spend so much on presents if you don't easily have that money?

OrangeFluff · 14/12/2014 19:40

Don't give away your DPs guitar if it is sentimental to him.

I think that you are spending far too much money on your daughter. She is a grown woman, she doesn't need hundreds of pounds spent on her for Christmas if you cannot afford it.

9Bluedolphins · 14/12/2014 19:41

Can she simply borrow the guitar until she's saved up for her own one? And you can hold off buying her Christmas present this year - say it is £150 towards a good guitar when she can finance the rest. If she hasn't financed it by next Christmas, or maybe birthday, pay for the whole thing?
You can't take his guitar if he says no.