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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel quite hurt and cross about this ?

44 replies

TheDogAteTheHomework · 12/12/2014 17:06

Back story, I'm a kiwi and left there 15 yrs ago, married a Brit and have settled here - all good.

Have been home a few times for holidays before having dcs.

We haven't been out there as a family at all with the dcs and this year at the beginning of the year my mother asked both my mum and dad could stay with us for Christmas for 2 weeks, they have never met their grandchildren but skype regularly so this would put first Christmas all together on my side.

My younger sister (26) started to make noises of 'I'll be here on my lonesome etc' (she had been to the UK before as I paid for her to come over a few times before so we could see each other over the years) so not wanting to leave her out and quite swept up in the excitement of having all my family here for the dcs I invited her to come and stay too and offered to pay for her flight, she accepted.

This was back in Feb this was arranged, she has now sent me an email 'Looking forward to being over at Xmas, especially NYE - it's going to be great in London.'

We live in the South (Dorset) however not near London and we had no plans to go up there. So I replied back with 'It'll be lovely to have everyone here, however I'm a bit confused about NYE and London ?'

Short story she had planned on staying with is Xmas Eve and Day then on Boxing Day was going to go and meet some online friends who she has been chatting to since March (met them through an online game) she wanted DH or I to drive her to Portsmouth where friend number 1 lives, and then party with them until the 2nd of Jan then have either DH or I collect her from Brighton that day.

She'll only be here 2 weeks, AIBU to tell her to bugger off ? I feel like I am funding a jolly holiday for her to go on a piss up. I know I don't own her but I'm feeling really hurt about it all.

OP posts:
flymetotheprune · 12/12/2014 17:12

I think you have already been more than generous to fund her air fare. If she wants to travel around the UK whilst she is here please point her in the direction of the train station (and don't pay her train tickets) YANBU.

AmyElliotDunne · 12/12/2014 17:15

Tbh, although I can see why you're a bit hurt that she is using the ticket you kindly funded to enjoy time with other people, it's a long way to come for just a few days, so staying a couple of weeks makes sense and I can imagine that in her shoes, coming all the way to England and NOT going to London seems a bit of a waste. If she can't afford to bring herself here then I think it's probably a bit unfair to insist she spends the whole time in your pockets while she is here. I'd see it as part of her Christmas present that you'll facilitate her seeing some sights and having a fun NYE with friends.

I don't think you're unreasonable to FEEL hurt, but it still don't think she's being unreasonable to want to make the most of her visit either.

WannaBe · 12/12/2014 17:16

it's perfectly reasonable for her to see other friends while she's here but not at your expense, so yanbu.

ChasedByBees · 12/12/2014 17:17

Well I'd be v annoyed and probably ask for her to pay her own bloody ticket. That wouldn't be helpful though. Totally get why you're hurt.

Queenoftheworld · 12/12/2014 17:19

Well, at least now you know what to expect next time.

For this time, she is welcome in your home, but you are not her free taxi service. She is an adult and can catch a train (or lots, given where you are and her plans).

Remember "you get what you put up with".

PigletInABlanketJohn · 12/12/2014 17:19

guests get wearing after a few days, so I expect you will appreciate each other more.

Don't offer a taxi service. Mention that you will be ever so busy doing Christmas and send her a link to a car hire company, and for a train or bus holiday ticket (if there is such a thing).

WooWooOwl · 12/12/2014 17:22

I think YABU. She just wants to make the most of her visit, if she stays with friends she will still have plenty of time with you. I don't think she's BU to ask for lifts, I have family all over the world, and whenever one of us is in the place that another lives we help them out with somewhere to stay and lifts to places.

DustyBedhead · 12/12/2014 17:23

It's very generous of you to pay for her to come over and she's free to visit various sights/friends etc but any travelling she does here she needs to be funding and organising herself, she's 26 fgs.

Original poster
TheDogAteTheHomework · 12/12/2014 17:26

I suppose I'm just cross as well as she has been pleading poverty all the time but can club together enough money to buy drinks etc.

Having just reread her emails as well, I think she's hinting at us paying for her hotel !
'Any funds towards my party time would help immensely and would do as a substitute Christmas present ! LOL ;) '

Is that a hint or a joke ? Angry

OP posts:
WerewolfBarMitzvah · 12/12/2014 17:30

Mmm I think she could have mentioned it to you before now tbh. Yes it's a far way and she's making the most of it, but at the same time you invited her because she felt left out.
I'd be a bit miffed but let her get on with it. No lifts or anything. Just get on and enjoy Christmas. And I wouldn't be paying for plane tickets again.

Queenoftheworld · 12/12/2014 17:31

Don't be cross, homework.

Just offer what you feel able to offer with a good grace. You are in control of that. Don't be coerced beyond that point - call it and laugh it off to her face. She is welcome in your home and you are being exceptionally nice by paying for her flight.

Frankly she sounds like a scrounging nightmare.

WerewolfBarMitzvah · 12/12/2014 17:31

Cheeky! I'd say that her airfare and spending Christmas was her present!

WerewolfBarMitzvah · 12/12/2014 17:32
  • with you
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/12/2014 17:37

She's a piece of work isn't she!! I would be so pissed off at that attitude. I think you should tell her how you feel, otherwise it could sour what little time you do have with her.

Also, I know she's a grown up, but going to meet and stay with strangers off the Internet does not strike me as a good idea. Foolhardy at best, dangerous at worst.

Vycount · 12/12/2014 17:38

OK Op, time to get specific.
"Hi Sis. Well of course, your ticket over is your Christmas present, plus your stay with us (of course some bottles of wine to contribute to the festivities won't go amiss). I didn't realise that you'd made plans to visit friends while you're over, but not a problem. However you will need to make your own travel arrangements. We're really looking forward to our break and won't be making any long car journeys while the parents are over".
Then rinse and repeat:
"Fine Sis, I appreciate that you'd thought we'd be happy to drive you to XYZ etc etc. However, you didn't ask us before making the arrangements and we already have plans. So you will need to make your own arrangements."
"I appreciate that it will cost you to travel etc etc. However you didn't ask us before making arrangement and we already have plans. So you will need to make your own arrangements".
It's called the broken record technique and never fails. She might huff, but she's already an ungrateful beatch so what have you to lose?

Vycount · 12/12/2014 17:39

p.s. She's an adult. It's her decision if she decides to meet strangers off the internet. Nothing to do with you!

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 12/12/2014 17:39

yes she is being grabby and hoping for more.

I'd tell her that as the plane ticket cost you more than you are spending on your own daughter/son for Christmas (I'm guessing) you won't be driving her or giving her spending money and that honestly you are surprised she made other plans for NYE and all considering that you paid the money for the flight so you could spend that time with her but if she chooses to spend it with someone else she can figure it out herself.

seriously cheeky.

drbonnieblossman · 12/12/2014 17:39

Not unreasonable for her to make the most of her trip. At your expense - no, piss take. Live and learn - she's an adult and as such should be financially responsible. Don't pay for her again. and don't buy her a present. Tell her she had it on the form of air fare

yellowdinosauragain · 12/12/2014 17:40

Yanbu. But it won't help to get ratty about it now because she won't see your side. I'd reply with something like:

'ha ha good joke about paying for your partying! Your Christmas present is the airfare to come and visit :) Dh or I are very happy to drop you at and pick you up from to fit in with your plans but I'm afraid we can't help any more with transport as we've other plans around Christmas ourselves and want to spend time with mum and dad. Looking forward to seeing you soon x'

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 12/12/2014 17:41

and yeah I'd be v. cross that I'd paid for my adult sister because she said she was poor but she has money to party and the absolute cheek to stick her hand out for more (party money and rides)

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 12/12/2014 17:42

Drbonnie, it is unreasonable and rude if your host is paying your way and you make plans without consulting them first.

yellowdinosauragain · 12/12/2014 17:46

And I wouldn't pay for her again. She's got a fucking cheek expecting a lift from Brighton even if she'd paid for her own flight. That would be a round trip of about 5 hours for you Shock

Original poster
TheDogAteTheHomework · 12/12/2014 17:48

Excellent - I'm not being a cow feeling this way then. Hope you don't mind Vycount but I'm going to use part of your reply.

She'll be reading it soon enough anyway in the morning (their time) so no doubt I'll hear from her soon.

OP posts:
CheeseBuster · 12/12/2014 17:48

Neither portsmouth or Brighton are in london Confused

But she is defo the unreasonable one here. I'd get a bus and train timetable and hand them to her when she gets here. Portsmouth to Brighton used to be a bit of a bugger as they spent years "fixing a line" but I think it's quite easy now.

Queenoftheworld · 12/12/2014 17:48

Great advice, Vycount