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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel quite hurt and cross about this ?

44 replies

TheDogAteTheHomework · 12/12/2014 17:06

Back story, I'm a kiwi and left there 15 yrs ago, married a Brit and have settled here - all good.

Have been home a few times for holidays before having dcs.

We haven't been out there as a family at all with the dcs and this year at the beginning of the year my mother asked both my mum and dad could stay with us for Christmas for 2 weeks, they have never met their grandchildren but skype regularly so this would put first Christmas all together on my side.

My younger sister (26) started to make noises of 'I'll be here on my lonesome etc' (she had been to the UK before as I paid for her to come over a few times before so we could see each other over the years) so not wanting to leave her out and quite swept up in the excitement of having all my family here for the dcs I invited her to come and stay too and offered to pay for her flight, she accepted.

This was back in Feb this was arranged, she has now sent me an email 'Looking forward to being over at Xmas, especially NYE - it's going to be great in London.'

We live in the South (Dorset) however not near London and we had no plans to go up there. So I replied back with 'It'll be lovely to have everyone here, however I'm a bit confused about NYE and London ?'

Short story she had planned on staying with is Xmas Eve and Day then on Boxing Day was going to go and meet some online friends who she has been chatting to since March (met them through an online game) she wanted DH or I to drive her to Portsmouth where friend number 1 lives, and then party with them until the 2nd of Jan then have either DH or I collect her from Brighton that day.

She'll only be here 2 weeks, AIBU to tell her to bugger off ? I feel like I am funding a jolly holiday for her to go on a piss up. I know I don't own her but I'm feeling really hurt about it all.

OP posts:

Trickydecision · 12/12/2014 17:50

Of course she is being unspeakably rude. I would worry a little though, if her plans for buzzing off to party are thwarted, that she would hang around in a miserable mood and ruin Christmas for all of you.
If she can afford to get to her pals without any cash or lifts from you, maybe a sigh of relief all round.

rollonthesummer · 12/12/2014 17:52

'Any funds towards my party time would help immensely and would do as a substitute Christmas present ! LOL

Us reply with

Lol, I hope that was a joke. The airfare was your Xmas present for the next 5 years!!

Do they see you as a cash cow?!

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 12/12/2014 17:53

I don't think her wanting to go to London is a big deal, but as for ferrying her around AND giving her money towards her jolly no chance!

pippop1 · 12/12/2014 17:54

There's often engineering work on train lines during this period. You could ask her to check in advance and suggest coaches as an alternative (not your car). Of course tickets are usually much cheaper if bought several weeks in advance....

Vycount · 12/12/2014 17:55

Help yourself Op, that's why I posted it.
I used to teach the broken record thing ages ago when I was doing training. The main thing is to first reflect back what they say, and then just repeat what you said originally. Don't apologise, don't embroider and never, ever make excuses. That just gives them things to argue about. So for example, if she says "what plans have you made?" the answer is "It isn't important what plans we've made, the fact is that we already have plans and you will need to make your own arrangements".
She's using a well-worn technique of her own, which is that if you tell people what they are going to do 9 times out of 10 they do it. It's useful in situations where you know that they'd probably say no if asked...

StrangeGlue · 12/12/2014 17:57

'Ha ha! With us paying your air fare you've had your birthday and Christmas presents for the next decade - lol! Dh and I can't take you to those places so recommend you book your train tickets now. Looking forward to seeing you!'

Don't give any further!

Ps i don't lol but thought it fitting to match her message.

Vycount · 12/12/2014 17:57

Oh gawd! No - don't check out any travel for her, suggest coaches, sleighs or bloody roller skates. She's a 26 year old woman, make it clear that she needs to make her own arrangements and leave her to it.
When she's with you, if she starts bleating about not knowing how to get to her next destination just point her to a computer, tell her to start Googling public transport.

Viviennemary · 12/12/2014 17:58

You've offered to pay her air faires. You don't have any obligation to drive her around anywhere else. If she wants to travel round visiting then she makes her own arrangements.

Xmas2014Santa2014 · 12/12/2014 17:58

I'm surprised she asks you for spending money & not your parents !
Does she think you're a soft touch ?

VitalStollenFix · 12/12/2014 17:58

I think it is vital that you tell her now what you will and won't be doing!

driving her round? sod that for a start!

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 12/12/2014 18:10

vycounts email is spot on.

Please do report back.

Boomtownsurprise · 12/12/2014 18:20

The airfare is her present.

There's no changes to your plans.

She's had nine months to save for her plans.

Train/bus tables available via Google.

Yanbu to be hurt but I'd follow vycounts advice I guess

tiredvommachine · 12/12/2014 18:22

Properly cheeky. Was she like this growing up?

OhReallyDear · 12/12/2014 18:40

Jeez is she 26 or 16 years old??? Are the plane tickets refundable? (yes, I am being mean.)

She needs a wake up call. What an immature twat

rollonthesummer · 12/12/2014 19:59

Has she always been like this?

I presume you earn a pretty good wage as I certainly couldn't afford to pay someone's return flight to NZ. Does she think you have pots of cash in the bank and she deserves some?!

What do your parents say about it, have you told them?

Mmmicecream · 12/12/2014 20:08

You could also send her the links to national coaches and national rail as a subtle way of making your point?

Also if she is going to London that could be a blessing in disguise as it would give the GPs more time alone with your kids.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 12/12/2014 20:47

I think you'll be glad for a break when she does go off on her travels! but I can understand why you feel put out, definitely don't let her take advantage. and I agree that her Xmas present should be the ticket over and maybe a token gift. don't give her cash!!

chirrza · 12/12/2014 22:15

I can understand her being a bit nervous about travellling around a strange country. But you can help her by getting her timetables etc and steering her in the right direction. I think that will be enough.

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/12/2014 11:55

She's 26, she's already been here a few times at the OP's expense and she's happy enough to arrange with people she's only met over the internet to party in the New Year in London. She ought to be more than capable of researching how to get there by herself and asking for specific help or advice if she needs it.

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