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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this colleague was very rude re Christmas party

75 replies

Fallingovercliffs · 12/12/2014 11:34

I just overheard one colleague ask another if she was coming to our Christmas party next week. Her reply was along the lines of 'God no, I've better things to do than spend an evening with people from work'.
AIBU to think she was rude, ungracious and condescending.
Fair enough, the office party isn't everyone's cup of tea but surely all you have to say is 'no unfortunately I'm not free that night/can't get a babysitter' or somesuch.
Why do some people feel they have to make 'statements' about not socialising with colleagues, as if it makes them superior to all those saddos toddling along to the office do?

OP posts:

GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 12/12/2014 12:31

Oh, and simply declining tends to make people repeatedly ask "why?" So I always told them!

Original poster

Fallingovercliffs · 12/12/2014 12:34

I'm not too sure BeCool. It can come across as condescending and I don't see the need to be so cutting about it. Just say 'no it's not really my thing' 'I've too much on that week' or whatever.

Obviously if someone continues to hassle you about going you might then have to be very blunt.

OP posts:

GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 12/12/2014 12:36

Well there you go then... Maybe it was the eighteenth time she's been asked this week, and finally decided to be blunt.

patienceisvirtuous · 12/12/2014 12:39

I'm with you OP. I would just roll my eyes.

What I find more strange is people who spend 40+ hours a week with a group of people and don't form friendships with any of them!

whoneedssleepanyway · 12/12/2014 12:48

BeCool - that is outrageous how can you make something compulsary that forces you to be 50 out of pocket!

MissHJ · 12/12/2014 12:50

I think she was wrong to say it at work but that is exactly how my oh feels. He works only to support us, not because he enjoys his job, and he has never socialised with any with them outside of work. His attitude would be I get paid to be a collegue at work, why would I want to spend a evening with them unpaid, in my own time when I could be at home having a break and seeing my family. Some people are not one for socialising outside of work.

thursday · 12/12/2014 12:58

A simple no, I don't fancy it is plenty. No need to scoff at the very idea. My work spends a fortune on the Xmas party and at the very least I appreciate the gesture. I also like my colleagues so more than happy to go, but if I didn't I'd just say it's not for me.

Ridingthestorm · 12/12/2014 13:06

My works do is tonight. More than half the staff are boycotting it due to unreasonable demands and work pressures. Basically, they are too knackered! But also in the twelve years of comings and goings and people still there when the organisation first opened, there are silly little cliques and people feel ousted and not very welcomed so many have made the decision to stay away if that is how they are made to feel.
The table plan went up for people to fill in two weeks ago. The 'clique' which include employees from different sections of the organisation filled in their table first (obvious that one person did it and either took it upon herself to fill in names of those in her close circle or went round and asked those in her close circle) before pinning it up on the staff room notice board.
Those 'left out' feel really hurt that others make it obvious that they don't want to socialise with them.
I didn't go last year and won't this year, mainly because DH has his tomorrow night, his company pay for it, it is a better do and spouses and partners are invited and they do a children's party too. My organisation doesn't invite spouses or partners and costs over thirty pounds with drinks included in that price. Couldn't actually face three days/nights of partying either! But I actually don't feel comfortable socialising with colleagues because despite their face to face interactions, they are two-faced, back stabbing bitches who like nothing else than shunning other members of staff.

Tinkerball · 12/12/2014 13:18

We are a small department and I get on with everyone, I just don't want to socialise at night with them so it's not a case of "not forging friendships", we choose our friends, we can't choose who we work with. Thankfully ours is a lunch during work time.

Nanny0gg · 12/12/2014 13:31

I don't see why there was any need to be so abrupt. Yes, she was rude and dismissive.

Why is it considered ok for all the small social courtesies to be done away with these days?

They cost nothing and make life so much more pleasant.

ILovePud · 12/12/2014 13:55

I can beat that for rudeness OP! My sociopathic blunt colleague said she wouldn't come to our work's Christmas do this year because and I quote "it's just the same bunch of cunts I have to put up with all year except with silly hats on".

FannyFifer · 12/12/2014 14:10

I hate work nights out of any description, I don't socialise with colleagues ever, they are not my friends.
I get on with people I work with but no chance wld I go on a night out, can't think of anything worse.

FannyFifer · 12/12/2014 14:12

MissHJ that's exactly how I feel I agree with your DH.

solidussnake · 12/12/2014 14:15

ours is next week and i've been out with my colleagues before! we're all quite young so we've been out on the piss before, it was one of the best nights i've ever had.
I'm really looking forward to our work do, even though there's no drinking as we're all driving.
scoffing at it is BU. she was rude.

Lomega · 12/12/2014 14:19

Haha are you my colleague Fallingover?

I felt rude saying no to my work xmas do as well, I wasn't rude enough to say "GOD NO" but I did say that, unless it was just my office/department going out as a team I didn't really want to spend my time with other members of staff. The type of job I do makes it really awkward to socialise outside of work with the others in different departments (can't say too much or it'll out me), but basically I am employed to chase people up a lot and keep on top of things, so I'm seen as a bit of a pest/schoolmistress-type figure, for want of a better description! I have been on work do's in the past to see what it's like and for the sake of being sociable and it's always really weird and awkward no matter how much I try to mingle!!

I get on well with the secretaries and with my own team but other than that no I don't want to spend a nigh away from my son with people I see during the day anyway.

I think how the woman delivered her declination was rude, but it may not have been because she feels "superior", more that she finds work things awkward, or sees it as a means-to-an-end opposed to a chance to make friends. I wouldn't worry about it OP

manchestermummy · 12/12/2014 14:42

YABU.

I am blanked by some of my colleagues. I say hello, they turn away. I am undermined at every opportunity. Why would I want to spend any of my own time with them?

I am not going on our do. If anyone asks me why I would be only too happy to tell them.

BeCool · 12/12/2014 14:46

If you project your own expectations about what other people "should" and "shouldn't" say and what is an appropriate response and what isn't to certain situations, you will spend your life being annoyed/disappointed/offended/etc.

sunflower49 · 12/12/2014 14:49

I think I said something like this in my old (most recent) job.

I would rather spend a Friday evening with my family or friends.

It was £50 a head, in a place I didn't like, with nothing on the set menu I could eat , so I'd probably have ended up with salad. I liked some of my colleagues but not most of them and I didn't fancy it. I wasn't part of the gang and I essentially didn't want to be . It did make people view me differently though. It was quite a cliquey place.

I ummed and ahhd over going though so I probably wasn't quite as blunt. She was a bit crass and it could rub people up the wrong way as it sounds a bit 'I've got better things to do than go where other people from work want to go' so It's rude yes. But I agree with her in principle, due to my own experiences.

MrsJossNaylor · 12/12/2014 14:58

Oh dear - I think this thread is about me.
peeks around office to figure out who overheard my conversation earlier, and felt moved to post about it

BeCool · 12/12/2014 15:08

"it's just the same bunch of cunts I have to put up with all year except with silly hats on"

ApocalypseThen · 12/12/2014 15:08

Could also be about me. I don't see what's so rude about completely dismissing the idea of spending your precious leisure time with people you already spend more time with than your family and friends. Hell no! I might go if I was paid but I'd rather do my own thing in my own time and I see no reason to dress that up.

Nanny0gg · 12/12/2014 15:11

Of course you shouldn't have to go if you don't want to. They shouldn't be obligatory (unless they're in working hours and paid for by the company).

But there is no need to be rude about turning them down. It's just done to make the speaker feel superior.

IAmLiftzilla · 12/12/2014 15:13

My work do us in work time, one lunch and afternoon. I really don't want to go. I'm new. They are all clique and don't talk to me at all. Not sure how to cope with the prospect of it.

MrsJossNaylor · 12/12/2014 15:16

"It's just done to make the speaker feel superior."

No, it is not. When you've been asked every day for the last month if you're going, and you've already explained 30-odd times that you can't afford it, you can't get a babysitter and, besides, you have plans for early the following morning, it's done out of exasperation.

Nomama · 12/12/2014 15:17

Me too!

I have to spend my working day with a goodly number of idiots. I have no intention of pretending to enjoy their company in my own time.

I go home and spend time with people I like!

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