To think this colleague was very rude re Christmas party

[Fallingovercliffs]

I just overheard one colleague ask another if she was coming to our Christmas party next week. Her reply was along the lines of 'God no, I've better things to do than spend an evening with people from work'.
AIBU to think she was rude, ungracious and condescending.
Fair enough, the office party isn't everyone's cup of tea but surely all you have to say is 'no unfortunately I'm not free that night/can't get a babysitter' or somesuch.
Why do some people feel they have to make 'statements' about not socialising with colleagues, as if it makes them superior to all those saddos toddling along to the office do?

[Trills]

It's not rude to say that the reason you are not going is because you don't want to.

It is rude to say it like that.

[MaryWestmacott]

Nomama - I guess it depends on your work load - previously I'd help colleagues even though it meant that I would have to stay late to finish my own work when they had a deadline. Really, the fact is I didn't have time within my own working day to help them, but I wanted to help someone struggling. I knew the person I helped was the sort of person who'd drop everything to help me if need be. If it was someone I knew would not give me the time of day when I was up against a deadline, unless I was asked to help out, I wouldn't offer.

Certainly, the bits that help at work that arent in your job discription, going getting someone else a sandwich when you are popping out when you can see they probably won't have time to stop work for a while, getting a coffee for someone who looks like they need one, are the bits that make work a lot nicer.

This colleague is shooting herself in the foot being very open about not liking her colleagues.

[Phineyj]

I find your colleague's response quite refreshingly honest!

[sanfairyanne]

its rude to say personal things 'cant bear socialising with x so its a miss for the xmas party' but just to say you cant be arsed socialising outside work? nah, not rude

[popcornpaws]

I agree with Goodboy, i always feel under pressure to go to the xmas night out because in work i come across as friendly and outgoing and everyone expects i would be there.
I hate work nights out, I'm not into socialising or drinking, I'm quite a miserable bastard really i suppose, I love to go out for lunch/dinner with my family or the cinema or shopping etc but a night out in some pub with people i work with? no thank you!

[manicinsomniac]

I think she was very rude.

She didn't need to lie or find an excuse. Just 'no, not my kind of thing' 'I don't feel like it' 'I don't want to' etc would have been fine.

I don't think I could cope with work if I wasn't friends with my colleagues. It's 70 hours of my week, I'd go insane if we weren't all at least casual friends. I get that you can't choose your work colleagues but it's possible to make a casual friendship with most people and the majority of people make good friends imo.

[Fallingovercliffs]

So you think it's okay Fairy to make audible comments about colleagues in an open plan office and it's their fault if they take offence?

Okay!

[Nomama]

No Mary, you have that the wrong way round

If a colleague is struggling with workload then my professionalism, and my boss, would expect me to do what I am being paid for - help get the job done and not let petty office politics put the job at risk.

If a friend wants help getting something done I'll decide if I have time/the inclination or not before choosing whether or not to help.

As for coffee and sandwiches... I'll offer/ask both colleagues and friends as I am a pleasant enough person who can work in a team without having to be BFF with everyone!

[sanfairyanne]

guess i am lucky where i work. we all say things like that.

[sanfairyanne]

it would drive me mad if colleagues were listening in on everything i said to someone else, then getting all huffy and offended by it. presumably she has an easygoing relationship with the person she was in a conversation with and knew they wouldnt take offense.

[Fallingovercliffs]

Oh and I agree Mary. If a child said, in front of a relative, 'no I don't want to go to Auntie Jean's for tea. It's boring there' you would tell them off for being rude.
How is it any different to say, totally audibly, in a room full of colleagues that you've better things to do than socialise with them? I thought it was rude and childish. There are dozens of ways to politely say you're not going to the office party. No need to be bad mannered about it.

[Fallingovercliffs]

How is it 'earwigging' sanfairyanne if they were talking a few feet away from me in perfectly normal tones of voice? Or do you sit at your desk with your hands over your ears anytime a couple of colleagues start chatting?

[MaryWestmacott]

It's not just she insinuated that the people who go don't have an independent social life, but that if she met them in a context away from work she wouldn't chose to socialise with them. Now, that might be true, but doesn't need saying.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Unnecessarily rude. All they need to do is say "no, it's not my thing thanks"

Inventing reasons like no baby sitter is unnecessary, but it's just rude to insinuate that anyone who goes to an office party is a saddo with no independent social life

[AwkwardSquad]

So she didn't even say this to you, you overheard? Maybe she has a good enough relationship with the person she was actually talking to to be honest with him/her. YABU to be taking the hump about a conversation that wasn't with you, and you're being a bit precious too. It's a work party, not a personal invitation.

[MaryWestmacott]

Well op, she's told you his she views you all, you are not her friends - to the extent that she doesn't feel the need to be polite in turning down a night out offer.

So she's just a colleague, just believes in doing just what you are paid for, not a friend. For a friend, you might help them out when you can see they are drowning a bit with work or struggling to hit a deadline, but she doesn't want that sort of relationship, so don't unless she formally asks for help via your manager. A friend will offer to get a coffee when going to the kitchen, or to pick up a sandwich when popping to m&s at lunch, but she's not your friend, so don't.

She doesn't see the value in even being polite enough to pretend to like her colleagues, so don't feel you have to show any consideration back.

I have missed work dos in the past, but always made a point of being polite about it and faking an interest in hearing all about it the next day/next Monday.

"I can't make it" is fine "I don't like any of you" not.

[sanfairyanne]

you'd find half my office rude then

stop earwigging. no wonder she doesnt want to socialise with her work colleagues

[pippop1]

I agree with you if it's that sort of price Mrs JN. And not everyone drinks alcohol, either for religious reasons or health ones so pubs aren't always appropriate.

[JeanSeberg]

I agree, if it's paid for you, you should show your face for a short amount of time.

[MrsJossNaylor]

Not if you don't have £50 to spend on a night out, let alone a night out with people you're not especially close to, Pippop.

[pippop1]

But isn't it sensible, career wise, to go to be seen as "part of the team", even if you are the manager? Unless you have really, really good excuse (rehearsed beforehand) such as having tickets for something already.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

She was rude.

But also quite funny...

[FrenchJunebug]

YABU I feel the same as your colleague. I hate the idea that I have to pretend for one night that all my colleagues are my friends. Nobody in our office stayed for the xmas party (which was held in the office!)

[Fluffyears]

I have had same situation and am not going to our office do tonight. I refuse to lie but I spend 40hours a week with people who are alright to work with. I have friends that I'm not forced to be around so on those previous few days/nights when I'm free I'd rather see them or be with Dp.

[ApocalypseThen]

But there is no need to be rude about turning them down

Turning who down though? Who really cares whether you go or not, or why? It's not a special party for me, I'm not specifically invited, my absence won't be noticed so really, it's hardly a wounding personal rejection.