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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have lost faith in CM due to "white" lies to Ofsted

55 replies

Totempig · 12/12/2014 10:15

I have been using a CM for the last 2 years for my 5yo and 2yo. I've been happy with her and the kids love her, but there have been a few things that I've been uncomfortable about, mainly that she seems a little untrustworthy with little things eg. I have caught her out in a few little lies before, like saying that she did a certain activity with my kids, which my 5yo insists that they didn't do, and stuff like telling the school that her daughter was sick when she just wanted to spend the day with her grandparents. Nothing major but just makes me feel that she finds it easy to be dishonest.

Anyway, she recently had her Ofsted report which came back good. I was just shocked when I read it as it sounds like she lied to Ofsted about quite a lot of things. For example, it says that she gets the children to play outside or at a soft play group every day and they frequently go on outings to farms etc (not true), she reads with my 5yo after school every day (not true - she's NEVER read with him), she gets the children involved in helping to cook/prepare their meals (not true), the children have a varied and nutritious diet (not true, and something that I've asked her to change a number of times, as my 2yo always get cheese sandwiches for lunch (and he'll eat most things) and they usually have things like chicken kiev, chips and ice-cream for dinner which isn't exactly nutritious!), she talks to the children at meal times (not true, the TV is usually on).

So, none of these things are really serious or anything, it just made me think that when Ofsted visit it must be quite easy for a CM to lie about what they usually do and put on a good "show" and then revert to their usual practices the rest of the time.

It has made me feel a bit uncomfortable about using her as I need to be able to trust her and feel that this has undermined that trust. But I don't really have any other childcare options so not sure if IABU and overreacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Totempig · 12/12/2014 10:57

So I guess what this comes down to is whether telling lots of small lies makes a person inherently untrustworthy? That is how it feels to me.

OP posts:
PopcornFrenzy · 12/12/2014 10:57

The fact that the tv is on at all would be a deal breaker for me.

tumbletumble · 12/12/2014 10:59

Personally, the food thing and the lie to you would bother me more than the lies to Ofsted. I think most CMs probably lie to Ofsted!

She doesn't sound great, but it sounds like there aren't many other childcare options for you.

DialsMavis · 12/12/2014 11:00

Fair do's, but in the case of your cm a calm home environment sounds like being shoved in front of the TV with a sausage roll in his gob. I know great cms and poor ones. I've visited awful nurseries and great ones too. You know which suits your child best.

adsy · 12/12/2014 11:00

The fact that the tv is on at all would be a deal breaker for me
my TV goes on at about 5 when the after schoolies are home and the little ones are still here. After 10 hours of play, crafts, reading etc. I don't think an hour of TV is going to damage them beyond repair.

DialsMavis · 12/12/2014 11:02

I do know what you mean. I looked a DDs current nursery when she was 2 and came out thinking no way and she went elsewhere (another nursery much more suited to younger children) but from 3.5 onwards it suits her perfectly (& it's £500 pm cheaper than the other one!)

chocolatemademefat · 12/12/2014 11:03

She obviously wants to show herself up in the best possible way with ofstead. Are your children happy with her? I work with children and am always amazed that parents think we should be busy every minute of the day. She shouldn't be lying about activities especially as your 5year old is old enough to tell you what really happened. I'd have a word with her and say you read the report and see how she reacts.

As far as the food goes if I wasn't happy with what she was providing I'd negotiate a new hourly rate with her and provide the food myself. That way it's under your control. The childminders I know photograph the children during activities so you could ask if she does this. That way she may be less likely to lie.

I think the most important question is are your children happy with her? It would be a shame to move them if they are. She may be nervous that you have high expectations that she can't meet when really you just want honesty.

adsy · 12/12/2014 11:03

Trouble is, a menu can sound great but in reality is shite.
I know of a local nursery which has amongst other things Chinese noodle stir fry as an item. Sound delicious. They actually give them supernoodles. There are many many things which will sound yum on paper but not in real life.
In my house, a Chinese stir fry menas exactly that with home made sauces, plenty of veg and protein etc.
The big difference is that at a CM the children usually get what the members of the family get so we eat well.

Original poster
Totempig · 12/12/2014 11:13

That's the thing, the children are happy so I don't want to move them just based on maybe what are my own perhaps high and mighty principles of never lying!

I will think about providing food myself, it would only work as a packed lunch for DS2 rather than being able to provide dinner for them both after school though. But perhaps if she saw the variety that DS2 will eat she might follow suit/get some ideas?

I do think perhaps she thinks their diet of chicken kiev/chips/ice-cream is healthy or at least OK, as that is what she gives her kids as well at the same time. They do have frozen veg too.

I think when DS2 is 3ish I will consider a nursery instead as I think he will then be old enough to cope with it. And in the meantime I will think about how to approach the food/TV issue AGAIN!

OP posts:
NoSundayWorkingPlease · 12/12/2014 11:21

Personally I chose a cm with her own children, which felt like an additional safety net for me...ie the activities she does, food she gives, visitors she has are all deemed good enough for her dc iyswim?

I'm a little Hmm at some being so horrified at a cm giving a biscuit or watching the TV.

For me, the whole point of a cm is to have a homely environment. And whilst my cm is fabulous, she IS a 'normal' mum too.

My dc go for after school care 3.30-6.30. Sometimes (summer mainly) they barely step foot indoors and are at the local park or in the garden, returning home only for a prawn stirfry or lovely chicken casserole for dinner.

Other days they'll spend a couple of hours playing or doing crafts, followed by an hour chilling out in front of TV and fish n chips and biscuits. Ds1 (6) has a favourite TV programme that's on once a week and she records it for him and lets him watch it in peace on a Friday after school, in the tiny TV room, whilst she keeps the little ones away. Ds is the oldest child she minds and it helps him to feel more grown up and less like a baby being watched. It's such a little thing but I love her for it (as does ds1). Whilst a good nursery may tick all the boxes, I just can't imagine one having the same level of 'interest' in my dc as individuals that our childminder does.

PortofinoVino · 12/12/2014 11:22

The childminder opposite me lied through her teeth to OFSTED. She leaves the children, some about 2, on their own with the play equipment and she can't see them from her house. The older children are on the swings and trampoline in 2s and 3s without supervision. She got an 'outstanding' award Shock

adsy · 12/12/2014 11:25

How do you know what she lied about porto? were you in her house during the inspection?

rumbleinthrjungle · 12/12/2014 11:39

The trouble is with Ofsted, its about talking the talk. A verbal show and shiny paperwork.

Ignore Ofsted, is your child happy, are you happy with the care and do you think someone else would do it better?

LaurieMarlow · 12/12/2014 12:08

Ignore the OFSTED report. Sounds like it's pretty easy to feed them what they want to hear. Some people will feel the pressure to give the 'perfect' answer (rather than the honest answer, which in this case would probably have been good enough). Some people are more creative with the truth than others.

Address your personal concerns with her and if you want to see change, be clear about that and work with her to implement it.

Sounds like your kids are happy and it's (broadly speaking) a good environment for them. I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water here, but work to improve the things you're not happy about.

happyyonisleepyyoni · 12/12/2014 12:14

I have a lovely CM who I have known as a friend for years, is an absolute earth mother and treats my DD as one of her own. DD gets better looked after at the CM than at home. She is not much cop at paperwork and I think is going to really struggle to put together a learning journey or "game" an inspection. All the Ofsted rules are well meaning but can't replace your own judgement and recommendations from trusted friends for a CM

ocelot41 · 12/12/2014 12:20

My CM either lied to me (or has been lied to by her manager) about Ofsted policies. Basically, I raised a concern that my child was starving hungry by the time I got them home and asked how much he was getting to eat. I know it will be a snack tea but I only pick up at 4.30 so he shouldn't have been so famished that he was regressing to 2 year old flat out on the floor screaming fits. I was told that Ofsted 'made' them keep to very small portions and they would get in trouble if they served any more.

I thought it was possible the CM had been misinformed/confused so got confirmation from Ofsted of their food policy in writing. She was shocked that I has 'checked up' on her - and said so.

Otherwise, I really like that CM and the food situation has got better. But I was distinctly Hmm at that.

IPityThePontipines · 12/12/2014 12:31

I'm not getting all the outrage about tv being on, or having a sausage roll, as NoSunday said, CM's are meant to provide a homely environment.

IMO, the main, number one point of childcare is that your children are happy and safe, if your CM's doing that, then she's not doing much wrong.

I'd have a chat to her about the report if you have any concerns and take it from there.

adsy · 12/12/2014 12:42

ocelot your CM has a manager????CMs are self employed. do you mean nursery worker?

PortofinoVino · 12/12/2014 12:45

How do you know what she lied about porto? were you in her house during the inspection? said adsy

Yes.

adsy · 12/12/2014 12:48

Really? you were in your neighbour's house during her OFSTED inspection. That's very odd!

Starlightbright1 · 12/12/2014 12:50

If you have issues with the report then chat to CM about them..Is your 2 year old with them full time..Could they have gone to the farm when your LO isn't there...IS your 2 year old in particular progressing well

ocelot41 · 12/12/2014 14:46

adsy My CM works within a team of CMs who work together and yes, they have a manager. Kind of like a nursery, but for older children . Can't say more without outing self.

adsy · 12/12/2014 15:12

Oh right, sounds very unusual. I thought that you couldn't be classed as a cm if there were more than 3 working together. thought it then became childcare on domestic setting instead. Could be wrong though!

ocelot41 · 12/12/2014 19:06

Maybe I am confused about the terminology then adsy. You get the gist though...

LuckyLopez · 12/12/2014 19:13

Well that's sometimes the problem with only using 'childminder' when you mean something else. We all get tarred with the same shit stick.