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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there are two types of parents

69 replies

littlemslazybones · 10/12/2014 10:37

  1. those who adapt their opinions to suit their behaviour and choices
  2. the guilt ridden

And to ask for help to move into the first category.

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 10/12/2014 11:33

Could you stretch to one day a week in nursery for a few months? If you're getting tax credits you can potentially get 70% of the cost.

Could your DH let you lie in till midday every Sunday and take the little one out (in the pram/ car if you have one) so you can get at least one sanity sleep a week?

This phase will pass. You wont be getting up in the night when he's 18 (unless its to drive out to pick him somewhere)

anothernumberone · 10/12/2014 11:34

I kind of agree except in truth there are probably many more types.

Here is what I do. Find as much information as I can about how to do things the 'best?' way then apply that knowledge the best way I can ignoring and living almost guilt free about what I cannot apply. I rarely feel guilty except perhaps today when Dh and I are missing DDs play as we both have to work. It is the first time ever we both missed one boo hoo. She doesn't mind as granny is going but I do :-(.

anothernumberone · 10/12/2014 11:36

As for sleep training there are many ways to do it. We used a 'no cry sleep solution' which did have a small amount I of crying but it did work.

AgathaF · 10/12/2014 11:39

Get yourself to your GPs and speak to him/her about your feelings, about your exhaustion.They are trained to diagnose depression. If you are depressed,things will improve massively if you start treatment.

Original poster
littlemslazybones · 10/12/2014 11:43

I don't think I could put him in a nursery for just a day a week. I think it would be distressing for him because it wouldn't be regular enough for him to bond with the staff and err, because I'd feel guilty, which seems to be a common in theme in all my decisions at the moment.

I don't get the weekend mornings because dh goes to work but he is going to take time off over Christmas so will schedule in some sanity sleep. Grin

I feel better after this strop in some ways. I do think I need to look after myself a bit more, I just need to work out where to start.

OP posts:
CantBeBotheredThinking · 10/12/2014 11:43

I couldn't co sleep with my dd because we just woke each other up. She had to go in her own room at about that age because if she woke and anyone was around she decided it was playtime but on her own she just went back to sleep again. There is no right or wrong only what works for you and your child.

WhereIsMyHat · 10/12/2014 11:47

You sound similar to how I felt when my third baby was a similar she. He was born a terrible sleeper and remains the worst of the three at sleeping. I know exactly what you are talking about and how you are feeling.

I didn't know if it was exhaustion or depression in my case but as sleep improved so did that. He's 2.5 now and sleep through albeit in the middle of us due to house renovations.

I love the idea of being an earth mother, really want to be one but I just can't get 100 %. I get to the 6 month mark and I'm over it.

WhereIsMyHat · 10/12/2014 11:55

Oh and OP, I have a copy of the 'no cry sleep solution' and it is yours if you'd like it?

Original poster
littlemslazybones · 10/12/2014 11:55

Yes I think ds3 is my tipping point. Smile

I've been poorly for a few weeks, nothing major, just a cold but I'm asthmatic so a lot of coughing alongside it .

I really appreciate that everyone has been so kind off the back of an inane post in AIBU. I think I'll be ok, I just need to sort myself out a bit.

OP posts:
Wassailywassailywassaily · 10/12/2014 11:56

I remember that horrible fog of sleep deprivation.
I co slept with DS1 until he was three (single mum) but DS2 didn't want to co sleep. I don't know what my point is, I suppose that my parenting changed according to the child. To be honest I was so tired for the first year I can't actually remember much.

Original poster
littlemslazybones · 10/12/2014 11:56

I have that book myhat. It's on my kindle Blush.

I like it, I just can't make the bugger work.

OP posts:
KnockMeDown · 10/12/2014 12:01

I think that perhaps due to being tired, you are over-thinking this somewhat.

You made a decision to co-sleep, based on whatever factors at the time, and it worked for a while. That's great. But if it stops working, you don't have to stick with co-sleeping - it is not a once-and-for-all decision. Your LO has grown, you need more sleep, you can try something different.

This is not about changing your beliefs - your belief that you want to do the best for your family has not changed. It's just how you achieve that now needs to change.

Flowers and Brew for you!

apotatoprintinapeartree · 10/12/2014 12:06

You sound shattered OP and I remember the vagueness and not feeling on top of things well.
It does get better, I promise.
You sound like a loving caring mother, give yourself a break and I know its hard but just look at what you are giving your child.
I hope you get a rest soon, Thanks for you.

When I had a small baby i put dhs car keys in the freezer, he looked all over the house and ended up very late for work.
No idea how I managed it neither, took hours to find them Grin

TeWiSavesTheDay · 10/12/2014 12:10

At 11 month's, go for it and try sleep training. There's nothing to feel guilty about, those crying is bad for you studies are completely irrelevant to sleep training, for so many reasons.

Also - seriously you're shattered, don't try and do it by yourself. Get your DH on board for a couple of days while your DS gets used to it. A couple of days isn't going to effect his business or his health and you'll all be getting proper rest after.

Original poster
littlemslazybones · 10/12/2014 12:10

But I don't think I can do that because I don't think I can be consistent or cope with even the most half arsed crying that might result. I don't think I'll even stick to the obligatory ncss log past a few days. I need to get some good sleep under my belt to steel myself to get on with it, oh ffs, I'm boring myself now.

I have been known to over think things...

OP posts:
TeWiSavesTheDay · 10/12/2014 12:13

This is exactly why you need your DH to help. My middle one was atrocious, desperate to bf constantly in the night. DH dealt with him in the night for 2 nights, dealt with the major crying to get me out the habit as well as DS, took about another month for him to reliably sleep through but he was much quicker to settle and no bf.

NowWhatIsit · 10/12/2014 12:15

Totally been there, please don't be hard on yourself.
I would suggest this -
Try and have a think about what kind of sleep training you would be happy doing - just leave him to cry, short sharp shock or no cry sleep solution etc.
Make a plan about when to do it - maybe those days when dh is off so you can catch up on sleep a bit in the day?
Make sure dh is on board & you both know the plan, then go for it. Don't be derailed by anything, you will all feel so much better when you're not so tired.

ithoughtofitfirst · 10/12/2014 12:15

Jesus OP tell me about it. I feel guilty all day, every day and have done since ds was born 2 years, 6 months and 1 day ago. Subsequent dd has only addded more guilt to this wonderful world of self-loathing i live in.

Original poster
littlemslazybones · 10/12/2014 12:16

You know, you're right. I'm beginning to form a plan. I think I might have to nudge towards the more full-noise end of sleep training to get through it more quickly but I'll do it after Christmas when dh is off work and between now and then I'm going to give myself a break and keep a mood diary and take vitamins.

OP posts:
ithoughtofitfirst · 10/12/2014 12:16

Take it from sma though i.e. you're doing great.

KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse · 10/12/2014 12:18

Oh love!

My thoughts for what they are worth...

You can have all the ideas and thoughts about what is best but if they are not working for you and your family then try something else. It's not hypocritical or abandoning your beliefs.

All through first pregnancy, I KNEW I was going to breastfeed because I'd love my baby so much I would do the very best thing for him no matter what. Oh yes. That was exactly what I was going to do. Until reality happened and I had a baby that couldn't/wouldn't latch on, midwives who looked at me in a puzzled way saying "well we don't know why he won't latch on" and me breaking down about three days in, bulk buying sterilisers & bottles. Yes, I could have persevered. I could have (in my sleep deprived and exhausted/emotional state) sought out a breast feeding counsellor (had I known that they even existed). But I looked at my content baby, happily suckling from a bottle and I just thought "ah balls to it". That's a prime example of someone seemingly abandoning their principles, but even now 11 years later I think I made the right choice atthe right time for US as a family. I didn't beat myself up about how I'd failed.

My list of what I swore I'd never inflict on my precious babies includes:

sticking them in front of a TV so I can get peace/get on with something
jar food
dummies
disposable nappies
sweets except for maybe once a year or decade or something
swearing in front of them Blush

I've done every single one of them and more. I still think I'm a "good" mum and the reason I think that is because I'm doing my best. I'm not perfect but I do the best I can in the context of what is best for all of us and that includes me. None of us are any good to anyone if we're racked with guilt and exhaustion about the things we've done. But we're operating in real life - not everything is as we'd expected or planned and so when we need to, we adapt.

You sound like you're being really hard on yourself. I think like a PP says you need to see if you can get a few hours each week to yourself - if you can stretch to a few hours in nursery then do it. I know you say I don't think I could put him in a nursery for just a day a week. I think it would be distressing for him because it wouldn't be regular enough for him to bond with the staff and err, because I'd feel guilty, which seems to be a common in theme in all my decisions at the moment but in the politest possible way, that is tosh. Babies are so adaptable - going once a week will become the norm. And believe it or not, babies like time with other babies. Think of your "guilt" another way - by getting a little bit of time to yourself where you can revive you will be doing him a favour.

ithoughtofitfirst · 10/12/2014 12:22

Brilliant karen Grin. I love you.

leelteloo · 10/12/2014 12:25

Hi Littlemslazybones, my third dc is also 11months and is a nightmare. He is a little better than he was but you can only improve from no sleep at all....for months and months. In the end I broke down in the GP and was seen straight away. They eventually diagnosed a milk protein allergy and he is on prescription milk now. I have since looked into it and there is a strong correlation between CMPA and insomnia and many parents have found their Dc do not sleep well until all dairy is eliminated or they grow out of it. my Ds is also allergic to soya and I do not know what else, seriously thinking of taking him privately so that I can know for sure what to avoid. This morning he was up for the day at 3.30, having been up twice previously. I also sleep separate from my dh and co sleep after he wakes the first time. There are days when I can do nothing, hardly move, it actually hurts. I empathise and understand how you feel you don't even have the energy to tackle the sleep training. I just can't do it, he would scream the house down and wake the other two. Fingers crossed it gets easier in the future. What makes me laugh is everyone says "third babies are always easy"... Please, come take my baby and bring me one of those lol!!!! Love him really, honest!

Original poster
littlemslazybones · 10/12/2014 12:39

I think this sleeplessness is a product of my own making. He slept well till he was 4 months and then I gave in plugged him onto my boob and got by on naff all sleep while I waited for the sleep regression to pass. Hmmm

Thanks Karen. I know you are right. Not least because I've done all this before and have working proof in ds1 and ds2 that good enough is good enough, I just find it difficult to walk the walk.

OP posts:
Devilforasideboard · 10/12/2014 12:48

Could you manage to pay for a sleep consultant? There's a big thread in the Sleep topic about it called something like 'ride it out or something must be done'.