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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say 'no' to extra guests at Christmas?

74 replies

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 08/12/2014 21:53

We are having MIL and my grandad over for Xmas dinner. I'm cooking and have bought all the food. Got a call from BILs ex-GF tonight to tell me they were coming to ours with their 3.5 yo DD - i.e. Our niece - and yes I was told not asked! The exact words were "looks like you'll have to make room for us as well as MIL on Christmas Day as we have nowhere else to go".

Here's a bit of relevant background - BIL (DHs brother) and his ex-GF split up around 3 years ago when DNiece was 6 months old. However they still do most things together as a family and come to family gatherings together. We all love the ex-GF but when her and BIL are together it almost always ends in a blazing row or at the very least snippy uncomfortable arguing. So we dread when they are going to be together somewhere as it's got to a point where they hate each other but still want to have equal time with their daughter so tolerate one another. The rest of us have to suffer the bad atmosphere (which will be worse now as BIL has just found a new girlfriend).

Their 3.5 year old and my 18 month old don't get along - that sounds ridiculous I know as they're toddlers, but they both get on with every other toddler they meet but they seem to rub each other up the wrong way. Neither of them are willing to share (especially my DD) and it takes about a minute for almighty tantrums to start once one has a hold of the others' toys. Also DNiece is starting to push, hit and pinch DD and will also growl in her face and last time we saw her she had a chest infection and caught her purposefully coughing in DDs face (ie forced coughing). Her behaviour is never corrected by her parents. And before I get flamed, I'm aware this is probably normal 3yo behaviour, and my DD may well be doing these things at that age - I don't have an issue with DNiece, I'm just trying to paint a picture of how stressful and unenjoyable it can be when the kids are together as I feel I'm always saying "no, play nice" constantly and both of them go away in tears.

Also re Xmas dinner - we only have space for 4 people round our table, I only have 4 chairs and 4 plates etc in our dinner set. We have bought all the food and don't really want to fork out 50% more - we haven't asked MIL and grandad for money they are just bringing drink, and wouldn't want to start asking people to contribute towards food.

The last few Christmases have been rubbish for me. Last year we were abroad and missed family tremendously, the year before that my dad died 2 days before Xmas and the year before that we were at my mums where there was an almighty fall out. I really want a relaxing and perfect Xmas, and want DH and DD to have the same. DD may be too young to remember it, but she still has to experience it and I want her to enjoy the day by herself and, for one day in the year, have a share-free day when her toys are her own (I know how precious and superficial that's sounds but it's how I feel and how I want to remember her first 'proper' Christmas).

So WIBU to say no to Xmas dinner guests? I didn't say yes btw I said I would call her back as was putting DD to bed (haven't called her back yet!)

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/12/2014 22:36

It's an important day and she wants to spend it with you.

Or she doesn't want to cook...

Pasithea · 08/12/2014 22:45

The excuse about crockery is a bit pathetic really as is the food. Roasts can always be made to go further.

Tell them or get DH to tell them that at the first sign of trouble they have to go.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 08/12/2014 22:58

The fact that she announced she was coming is just plain rude!
YANBU.
Say no and stick to it. Say unfortunately you can't accommodate them for the meal. It was rude of the ex-gf to just assume that as you invited MIL the invitation was extended to all of them too just because their plans fell through.
They have plenty of time to sort a dinner out at one of their own homes between the 2 of them between now and then.
I would be tempted to invite them to join you later on for drinks and nibbles though, so your DH and MIL get to spend some time with BIL and DN (though not as long to limit arguments etc).
How does DH feel about it though?

RandomMess · 08/12/2014 23:03

"No, that doesn't work for us this year"

TheCraicDealer · 08/12/2014 23:09

Normally I'd be firmly in the "but it's Christmasssssss camp, but they sound like cocks. No wonder her mum decided not to host this year if their collective behaviour is that stress inducing.

whois · 08/12/2014 23:13

"Oh lovely, yes plenty of room for you to come after lunch. We're eating at 2 so should be done by 4 come round any time after that. Love you. Byeeeeee"

KatriKling · 08/12/2014 23:23

If you cave this year, this might soon become the new set up. There's nothing wrong with just saying "no" because it's not what you want. But OP, I wondered if you posted this because you are afraid of feeling guilty for wanting to say "no". Some of us find it easy to feel guilty whilst others breeze around getting what they want at other peoples' expense. I wonder if you're afraid of being disliked or being unpopular for saying "no"? Just remember, your bil's ex gf doesn't feel guilty for imposing her will on you — and sounds like she's invited herself in a way that would make most of us feel guilty — "we have nowhere else to go"; are you to imagine that they will be wandering the streets temporarily homeless on Christmas Day? Whether you've got the space or not, she has cheekily invited herself and doesn't sound the least bit concerned about how that might impact on you.

If you want to consider any alternatives, you might say "no" to Christmas Day and "yes" to Boxing Day? Since my MIL stopped hosting xmas and the baton was handed to me she's spent xmas day with us, then the rest of the in laws come over to ours on Boxing Day for the full family get together. I don't see why you have to facilitate your mil having both her sons with her at xmas -- if she really wanted that, surely mil would organise xmas day herself.

I've had many xmas's where everyone's needs have been considered except my own and have thus ended up being the one responsible for doing all the work to feed 3 families! It can be a slippery slope that leads to anger and resentment.

BackforGood · 08/12/2014 23:27

I too would be quite comfortable saying 'no' to them, as they were so rude in the way they tried to tell you they were coming in the first place, but the whole bit about plates and chairs is just a red herring. Surely everybody makes use of the pasting table / patio table type things at Christmas, if they actually want the people there. Guests can bring extra plates or chairs. Equally, it's not exactly hard to pop pout and buy a few more spuds or veg.

kali110 · 08/12/2014 23:40

Say no.
She doesn't want to actually spend the day with you, she just doesn't have any other offers.
Say no doesn't sound like it will be fun for you!

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 08/12/2014 23:43

Just say no. Like zammo!

ohtheholidays · 09/12/2014 08:46

Say no.How rude I can't believe some people,fancy inviting your self along for Christmas Day.They're adults,they have they're own homes so they won't be out in the cold.

And for what it's worth your nieces parents need to reign in her behavior now.If she behaves like that at nursery they'll be constantly called into her school by the teachers for a chat.I have 5DC and hand on heart none of them were ever spiteful to another child and two of our 5DC are autistic and the coughing in your LO's face on purpose is really nasty.

skylark2 · 09/12/2014 09:10

YANBU at all. It's not like you're already hosting 12 and they were the only ones left out.

misskangaandroo2014 · 09/12/2014 09:36

I normally would take in any 'waif and stray' for Christmas because I bloody love the whole not enough chairs jollity. But I also have never had to endure someone bringing tension / arguments with them.
Definitely say 'sorry there's just not space for lunch, why not pop round un the afternoon' ideally a chunk of it your DD will have a nap or they'll be too stuffed to really feel like visiting

Out0fCheeseError · 09/12/2014 10:11

This is totally off topic but may I just politely point out that the reality for many people isn't one where you can just buy extra food and crack out the 'pasting table and patio chairs'. We rent a 2 bedroom first floor flat as it's all we can afford (which might also be a clue as to the financial implications of feeding three unexpected guests). It's tiny. No room for more than 6 to eat at the table and even that's a squeeze. No garden = no patio chairs. No storage = no spare table. We have to store the Hoover under the table and the ironing board behind a door! Quite apart from the rudeness of the BIL/ex-GF just announcing they will come, is it so hard to understand that for some people extra guests really aren't practical?

YANBU OP!

TiggerLillies · 09/12/2014 10:19

Yanbu. I'd also be the kind to say 'sure, it's Christmas' but that doesn't really extend to people who tell me what to do when I've organised something else. Also you as host have a responsibility to make Christmas fun for the people who are coming already (as much as it is within your power).

Mousefinkle · 09/12/2014 10:24

"no, I don't have the space and I've already bought the food." Don't even apologise, no need to. You're doing nothing wrong, she is by rudely inviting herself along- the cheek of it! She'll have to do her own Christmas dinner or find someone else to palm herself off on.

WildFlowersAttractBees · 09/12/2014 10:24

I genuinely struggle to say no... I am what is commonly known as a push over... but even I find her rude!

Vycount · 09/12/2014 10:33

Oh come on Op, don't use the word sorry and don't make any excuses. Just "No thanks, we don't want any more for Christmas Day. Hopefully catch up with you some other time."

Original poster
IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 09/12/2014 17:26

It's an important day and she wants to spend it with you.

I don't think she does, I think she just wants food cooked for her.
I didn't call her back last night as I wanted MN opinion first I was busy, and have been at work today so gonna call her tonight. It's just a great big fat no! DH completely supports me, he'd happily have his brother but his brother and the ex are just too much to handle.

How does this sound?:

"Hi Rudey McRuderson [disclaimer: not her actual name Wink ] as much as I'd love to have you over we can't Im afraid as we've already made plans with other people. Maybe another year. Adios!"

OP posts:
LittleDonkeyLeftie · 09/12/2014 18:27

YANBU OP.

she is a fucking rude chancer.

Report back please Xmas Smile

ohtheholidays · 09/12/2014 18:28

Sounds great Chippyminton.Good Luck Smile

StackladysMorphicResonator · 09/12/2014 18:37

That sounds eminently suitable, let us know how it goes!

AwfulBeryl · 09/12/2014 18:52

I don't think yabu, I wouldn't dream of inviting myself to someone's house for Christmas. Can't they have Christmas at bils or her house ?

KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse · 09/12/2014 18:54

What does DH think? And if he'd err towards wanting his brother there will he chip in the extra work?

JustMuddlingBobBobBobbingAlong · 09/12/2014 19:13

I had this type of conversation today Op.
She said 'I'll be coming round here for Christmas dinner.'
I said 'Eh, no you won't.'
End of conversation. I was not embarrassed, guilty or remotely fazed. Although, when she left I did do a fist pump, hiss 'YES!' and feel so glad that I fronted out her brass necked cheek. Completely liberating and I appear have grown a pair!