To worry my friend is storing herself up some serious problems between her and her DH?

[WonderingWillow]

Joined again recently after a break away from MN.

I have a dear friend who lives just down the way from me. She came over to mine last week and brought her DD's (1 and 4) with her to play with my DS (also 4). The topic of christmas came up and she said she was buying her DD1 an iPad. I was surprised since her daughter has already dropped both of her parents' iPads and smashed the screens beyond repair. I said she should definitely put a protective screen/case on this one, and we were googling some. She said they were too expensive, since her DH doesn't know she's even bought the iPad in the first place, and he had been against it in the first place.

She bought it on a credit card she kept from years ago when she was working, took delivery of it and has wrapped it up. She won't tell her DH and he won't know until Christmas morning.

I am worried for her, because they have been having problems, and she's been saying he's been nagging her about money and how she spends it.

This morning she texted me and said she was thinking about buying a second iPad for her DD2, in case she got jealous. I haven't texted back, because I don't want to look as if I agree with her concealing this level of purchase from her DH.

What's the most reasonable thing to do?

1. ignore totally
2. give her my opinion and advise her to return the iPad before it causes a row
3. go along with it and pretend to agree with her

I value her friendship and I want to be the best friend I can be to her.

It's not about the iPad though is it? She's trying to find some happiness in her life and overspending is her short term fix to getting it. I'd (gently) ask her why she needs to buy so much stuff and whether there's something she'd like to talk about.

tesco hudl are supposed to be much more robust for children than other tablets

When we were googling cases, we were googling the one I have for mine, which is quite an expensive lifeproof case. They come in quite pricey and that's when she made the remark about not wanting to spend anymore because of the DH situation.

She's coming over later, I'll see if she brings it up again. I don't think she can be looking at this situation quite straight.

Suggest a panda pad for the little one. They're android and you can pick them up for around £30 if you shop around. My 6 and 4yos are getting those for Xmas so they can play their games and use a school app without arguing over mine and dh's iPads.

She is storing up a whole heap of new year trouble though. She's gone behind her dh's back, she's spent money she doesn't actually have and for what? At their age all she is doing is setting a target she may never be able to reach again.

I don't think the iPad is the point. Living within your means is a hugely important message to teach your children, which she's not doing.

Hopefully she's kept the receipt so it can be returned.

I think the problem here is more her lack of respect for her dh. Seriously uncool to undermine him in this way... He clearly has opinions on what he thinks is best for their children too.

I'm confused as to why a cover for the iPad is too expensive and she couldn't afford it but ANOTHER iPad for the one year old is perfectly fine?? Surely the second iPad is far, far more expensive than a cover!

The real issue here is that clearly she has some emptiness and unhappiness in her life which she is filling with overspending. Some fill the void with eating, drugs, alcohol etc and for some it's spending money they absolutely don't have racking up a tonne of debt. One symptom of spending addiction is hiding it from loved ones which she has done here. She needs to let Her DH know before Christmas. Yes, he may take it well on the day to save face in front of mil but that night when they're alone hell hath no fury... It'll ruin the mood completely. I feel sorry for her DH actually, I'd hit the roof if mine spent money we didn't have behind my back and especially if this is how I found out... She needs help.

You know that spending some time on an ipad doesn't preclude the playing of lego, imaginative games, reading, or running round the room screaming right?

There are a lot of hours in the day.

I think it will in some houses listed.

mouse that's why I posted here! Her DD1 has already smashed 2 screens

She always seems happy, and always has lovely things. I'm just worried about the fallout. It's inevitable if her DH really doesn't know, and I don't think he does.

I didn't reply to her text about an iPad for her DD2, but I've got a feeling she will bring it up anyway later on. I'm worried she'll see a negative reaction as an attack.

It's not just to say that all iPads are going to be used as babysitters.

It's the reality of giving a baby or very young child a very overpriced, expensive gadget that is completely unnecessary. It seems very over indulgent and unnecessary. Particularly if you can't even afford it. It is setting a very high standard very young.

This is a huge bunch of nonsense. On her part for acting like a 2 year old with Mummy's purse in a candy shop and you, OP, for being over-invested in someone else's domestic arrangements, or lack of them. Presumably she is an adult is she? With her own mind? So if there's negative fallout from her DH - and IMO there should be! - then it's really not your concern to try to head it off. Actions have consequences - are you really expecting us to believe that she doesn't know this?

It shouldn't effect you don't even comment.
Your friend sounds pretty thick.

'Worried she will see negative reaction as attack'

There you go you answered your own question.

Say Nowt.

I think the person above who said don't get over-invested in your friend's problems is right.

I don't know why people are saying she's thick, I had a highly intelligent very successful (her career is now meteoric) friend who had a blind spot when it came to spending- she would spend to cheer herself up and get herself into terrible debt and money troubles. She would do something like buy a brand new product and no insurance/cover- it's the sparkly new thing that blinds them and they are not acting rationally, that's the whole point. Plenty of very clever people have gambling problems, or eat too much when they know they should lose weight, for example, it's not the preserve of stupid people.

Don't condone the buying, but equally it is not your job to get her out of this hole. I would be able to say to a good friend- you do seem to have bought a lot, or don't you think your husband will be upset without it turning into an attack, but if this is a blind spot for her, and she is otherwise a lovely person, let her get on with it. Other people's marriages are funny and it's always best to leave them to it in my experience (unless say abusive).

Goodness double, sounds like you're getting a bit annoyed

I am allowed to post and ask for advice and see what people think, seeing as this is mumsnet although I think I could post just about anything on mumsnet about a friend and be told I'm over invested, so there we are.

I think I'll probably just smile and nod, seems the most diplomatic way forward!

I am always surprised at the need people have to involve themselves in other peoples business. Have an opinion, that's fine, I certainly do but I wouldn't think it my place to be sitting worrying about something like this. I have enough problems of my own.

As for one year olds needing iPads, well no one needs an iPad but there's nothing wrong with them having the odd go and it's not "lazy parenting" at all. It's just one small choice that a parent might make. You know there was a time when reading books was frowned upon and social commentary of the time insisted that readers were doing themselves and their country a disservice by reading too much and hanging round libraries too much instead of engaging in worthwhile pursuits.

Might I remind you that the OP's friend did ask for her opinion.