Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with OH playing violent games whilst holding our DD?

56 replies

Mumtobeyorkshire · 08/12/2014 12:24

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable with my OH playing fighting/zombie games with monsters and shooting or watching programmes like walking dead or war films when he's holding or looking after our 3 month old DD?

I know she doesn't yet understand what she's seeing it hearing but I can't help feeling that the violent noises and scenes must be having a negative effect even when she's asleep.

And I'm worried that as she gets older and starts to understand what she's witnessing that she will become desensitised to the horror or be frightened by it.

Do you agree or am I being unreasonable? How would you approach this with OH?

OP posts:
solidussnake · 08/12/2014 13:24

YABU, as said above if he is holding your DD and she is asleep then he has the right to do what he likes to do just as you have the right to MN or read a book or whatever. my dad played games when I was a baby and I play the same games now as he did then.
i really don't see the problem that MN has with video games!!even crappy fb games like words with friends are video games! and how many people play them!

plantsitter · 08/12/2014 13:26

The Op says violent games though.

I agree with richtea.

DoJo · 08/12/2014 13:30

I guess not all of us can love chick flics and reality shows eh?! wink

I guess that's my concern in the long run Mephistopheles- that she won't be affected when she sees violence on the news or that she will think aggression is the 'norm'.

One could argue that presenting an unrealistic ideal of romance, imposing society's pressures on women to conform to the idea that they need a man in their life to be happy, or buying into the 'reality' TV schtick that anything is worth doing so long as you're on TV could be just as damaging. Grin

Don't worry - by the time she's a toddler and you've had murderous thoughts about Mr Tumble, you will wonder what you worried about when she was barely able to focus on the TV screen!

Lagoonablue · 08/12/2014 13:32

Just doesn't feel very appropriate.

gamerchick · 08/12/2014 13:34

I'm hearing twilight Zone music me.

Yeah OP richteas suggestion sounds just the ticket to suggest to your bloke. Do that one.

NoelleHawthorne · 08/12/2014 13:35

how loud is it? Or has he headphones on

NoelleHawthorne · 08/12/2014 13:36

I disagree with those who say she cant distinguish the nature of sounds.
A recent training event I went on for domestic violence sentencing said that even babies in cots in another room ( or , indeed , in utero) can sense stress etc

MildDrPepperAddiction · 08/12/2014 13:42

I'm clearly in the minority but I would not be happy with this.

Babies may not know what's going on but they know he noise/screams etc are not happy and I feel this would be too upsetting for them.

If you are not comfortable then don't per it it in your home. If others are happy to do this then it's up to them.

Original poster
Mumtobeyorkshire · 08/12/2014 13:45

Wow, lots of replies! Thanks for your input- I'm not sure there is a definite right answer. I'm finding almost every decision I/we make as a parent makes me question myself or feel guilty! I guess it's just a matter of doing my best.

I decided to pose the question to OH asking what HE thinks rather than telling him what I think.

Surprisingly, he agreed that when she is old enough to actually processed the images he will be cautious not to watch/play things that are violent or aggressive. He also said he will turn down the volume when taking care of her now so she's not startled by the noises.

Thanks for all your suggestions/thoughts- this parenting malarkey is tricky! Smile

OP posts:
IdaClair · 08/12/2014 13:47

I would find it more stressful to sit under an oblivious baby trying to 'bond' and watch a 'baby video' than to be otherwise engaged in normal life and meeting my baby's needs as a bonus.

babies shouldn't be watching TV (so scrap those baby videos for a start) A baby at 3 months old will either be asleep, laid on your chest, or watching you and your face, not a light up box on the other side of the room.

We had a bouncer which sat facing us on the sofa, and we would have babies in it or on us or in between us or feeding or wherever, as we watched or gamed or talked or generally had a normal life. Until babies were old enough to go into a different room in the evening - between 7-9 months for us.

One way to end up with bickering, stressed out parents would have been to say we could not have a normal life and all time with baby in the room (ie 24/7) had to be purely about the baby and bonding and pfb and not just - y'know - life.

Mandatorymongoose · 08/12/2014 13:49

If the baby is asleep it doesn't really require much attention though? So long as he responds to DC's needs when they wake up I really really can't imagine playing video games around a tiny sleeping baby will do any harm at all.

Mulligrubs · 08/12/2014 14:09

My DP and I decided to stop watching anything violent or using violent computer games when DS started becoming aware of the TV - i think he was probably 5/6 months when he'd start properly paying attention when it was on. At that point he probably still wasn't taking anything other than the colours and movement in, but we thought it would be a good habit for us to stop it. Prior to this we were fairly relaxed and I didn't mind DP playing his xbox while cuddling DS, it wasn't often and DS loved the snuggles.

Since then we have been careful of what we watch when he's around. He's 12months now and it has been good to get into the habit of waiting til he's in bed to enjoy playing xbox games or watching an action film Smile

MummyBeerest · 08/12/2014 14:29

Well,I guess I've fucked her up for life now. Bound to happen somehow.

Fiddle dee dee...

bigbluestars · 08/12/2014 14:37

I would feel uncomfortable with OH playing violent games- period.

I married a man not a boy.
Even my teenage son has grown out of playing with a console.

gamerchick · 08/12/2014 14:50

Heh there's always one Grin

Mulligrubs · 08/12/2014 15:00

bigblue why can't adults enjoy video games?

bigbluestars · 08/12/2014 16:02

Oh they can enjoy them- they can do as they like. I wouldn't want to live with someone who enjoys them, that's all.

weeblueberry · 08/12/2014 16:06

This came up when DD was a teeny. I'm a big gamer and DP asked that I didn't play violent/loud games when she was in the room because he didn't want her growing up with the sound of gunfire in her ears Grin

He was also worried that I'd get 'stressed' and that she'd pick up on it which was a fair point I thought. So I stopped doing it and even now she's 19 months I wouldn't play a game with her in the room. Doesn't cause any problems frankly. Smile

SquattingNeville · 08/12/2014 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finola1step · 08/12/2014 16:21

I think Weeblueberry's take on the situation is very interesting. A gamer who chooses to not play certain games around her child. Enough said really.

HollyAndIvyTime · 08/12/2014 16:48

Our local arts cinema do screenings of adult films one morning a week, when you are specifically allowed to bring your baby so long as they are under one. They show all sorts of things, including some violent films. The cut off of a year old is, I imagine, when they think it is no longer appropriate.

So I would think 3 months old is not a problem. On the other hand, I do understand how you feel as I remember seeing a film there with my son when he was about that age and feeling uncomfortable about it. Probably unnecessarily so, though! :)

WillkommenBienvenue · 08/12/2014 17:24

They pick up everything even as tiny babies. What they do with the stimulus they receive is another matter, there has been a lot of neuroscience on this recently but as usual very little on actual babies as there are limitations on what they can research. Loads on fetal effects of stress hormones in pregnancy, loads on video games and young children but I can't find any on this specific question.

It's all terrifying actually, my daughter's brain has clearly been stunted (as a teen, gaming).

Bulbasaur · 08/12/2014 17:36

Me and DH are trying to figure out when to stop watching adult movies with DD. She's 8 months and starting to become more aware. But we put in kids movies for her, and she just keeps doing her own little thing oblivious to the TV.

I think maybe when your baby starts actually watching the TV screen instead of just seeing it as part of the background is when you need to stop. At 3 months though, I can't see it as a problem.

Babies do respond to stress from the parents, I'm not sure about TV's. If your husband is getting upset of frustrated with the game, I could see that being a problem since he's displaying "aggression" near her which could set off stress hormones. But if he's just relaxing and having a good time, I don't think it will affect her any, it will actually be beneficial since babies need cuddles and human touch.

Marylou62 · 08/12/2014 19:30

As a much older Mum with grown DCs can I just say something? I don't know whether any harm might be done and really, I am not going to judge anyone...but we didn't watch much TV or do any gaming (thats how old I am!!)...when we held our babies, we coo'd at them, talked to them, blew raspberries at them and generally paid them a lot of attention. Granted..not all the time...I see my young friends switched off from their babies, either on their phones or screens...Absolutely nothing to do with me but sad...
And now I have an empty nest, I am addicted to MN so can see how you become oblivious to your surroundings...

WillkommenBienvenue · 08/12/2014 19:48

Marylou I think you have hit on a point that it's not so much about what the child sees or hears while you are gaming or otherwise, it's the feeling of connection to you that they are lacking - that what they do has little or no effect on their main carer while the carer is tuned into something else.

Swipe left for the next trending thread