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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be FUMING about the state of my sons shoes

72 replies

Snaveanator · 07/12/2014 19:28

A few weeks ago my DP took my DS (his DSS) out with him. DS is 5. They came back with a new pair of Nike trainers each, DS's cost £45.

My son went off to his dads for the weekend so I packed his bag and sent him off wearing his trainers. When they returned today, I was unpacking the bag and found the trainers stuffed in a carrier bag absolutely CAKED in mud.

AIBU to be mad about this? They are literly a 5 minute drive down the road and if he intended to take him somewhere muddy, surely he could have text me for some wellies, I could have dropped them over or left them out mine for him to collect. Failing that he could have popped into a charity shop to buy some cheap shoes or wellies for him? He could have at least cleaned them!

My DP works really hard and likes to spoil us, I know it's a lot of money to spend on 1 pair of trainers but surely the ex could have treated these with a bit more respect?

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 07/12/2014 20:29

He could have asked for some other shoes, but no more than you could have provided some other shoes in the first place, and I'd say the onus was more on you because you care more about the still perfectly functional trainers looking good than he does.

I suspect you are just more emotionally invested in this pair of trainers than normal because you are conscious that your DP could be annoyed about it, and you want him to know that you are thankful to him for doing a nice thing for your son. Understandable, but not a reason to create an issue with your child's other parent.

december12 · 07/12/2014 20:31

If your DS had been out for the day with a friend and his shoes were in the same condition afterwards, would you be FUMING with friend's parents?

Tinks42 · 07/12/2014 20:32

Blimey, all about a pair of muddy trainers.... its not though is it

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/12/2014 20:34

Well usually you'd know what they were doing and dress appropriately.

whenever I've looked after someone else's kids and we went to the park spontaneously I've raided my kids stash of clothes/shoes so they were in more appropriate attire for the activity.

NewNamePlease · 07/12/2014 20:35

YABU. Trainers are outdoor shoes. They are shoes people put on to go to muddy places sometimes. Unless you are one of those weirdos with 40 pairs of pristine white ones... They are the only people to be bothered by muddy trainers.

NewNamePlease · 07/12/2014 20:35

Could he have left them muddy for the mud to dry and then all they need is banging together to be cleaned? That's what we do here.

ElkTheory · 07/12/2014 20:36

I would say YABU, I'm afraid. In your ex's place, I would have assumed that the trainers could be worn to the park or the woods or wherever.

As a (probably irrelevant) aside, I loathe it when people say that their partners "spoil" them. Just a turn of phrase whose implications I can't abide.

WooWooOwl · 07/12/2014 20:39

I find it an odd turn of phrase too Elk, but I'm not sure I know why.

Pengyquin · 07/12/2014 20:43

Whenever my child goes anywhere, where I'm not in charge (so nursery, gps' etc), I put her in clothes that really don't matter. At all.

You should do the same!

ChillySundays · 07/12/2014 22:23

Even if my DH had paid for the trainers he wouldn't have the sense to think about putting scruffy shoes to play in. Although I would be annoyed as I would be cleaning them

PatriciaHolm · 07/12/2014 22:51

What was he wearing when he came home then?

Trainers are for wearing, so he got them muddy - it's not important. Cleaning them is easier when dry, but annoying I can see. However, as others have said, I suspect the issue is bigger than just the shoes.

GreenPetal94 · 07/12/2014 23:43

I'd was the trainers

FannyBlott · 07/12/2014 23:44

YABVU to be fuming!
It's mud, he's 5, if you're so bothered about the shoes then only buy cheap ones. YWNBU to be a bit pissed off with ex for not scraping the mud off though, he should have cleaned them.

GreenPetal94 · 07/12/2014 23:44

Sorry I'd wash the trainers. I think you are reading too much in to this as he is your ex. I don't really get the concept of best or designer clothes for a 5 year old. He's only 5.

Rosecottage888 · 07/12/2014 23:56

One of the reasons I left my ex husband was because of how irate he would get if our son got his trainers dirty.

Children are meant to get muddy

NoSquirrels · 08/12/2014 00:10

Well, honestly, trainers often get muddy at our house with 2 resident parents and we sometimes often don't clean the mud off promptly at all

So YABU to be fuming. It's mud. It's a bit annoying that you've got to clean it, rather than the parent who was with them when they got muddy, but it's not the end of the world. Yes, he could have asked, but maybe he just didn't think it would be an issue before he got where he was going? Or didn't have time to wash and dry them before sending home?

The thing that's odd is that the trainers were in a bag caked in mud, so presumably your DC came home in some other footwear - if you sent him with 2 pairs of shoes to wear, next time send 1 pair of shoes plus wells. Or send DC in old stuff you don't care about and save new stuff you do for your supervision. Also text DC's dad and say "please buy wellies to keep at your place".

But don't fume about it. It'll make you feel bad for no reason - your ex won't care, and you're wasting emotional energy! Between the lines it seems that you're cross cos your DP bought them (nice gesture for DSS) and your ex sort of dirtied that gesture by sending a nice new pair of trainers home caked in shit. But if was probably thoughtlessness, not malice. (Unless you think differently?)

nocoolnamesleft · 08/12/2014 00:23

YABU - trainers are outdoors kicking around type shoes. And fuming? To reference another recent thread, mildly cross would seem more in keeping with the gravity of the situation...

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/12/2014 01:17

I'm guessing the op wouldn't have had an issue with it if the other parent had cleaned them himself rather than leave the, for her to clean.

DixieNormas · 08/12/2014 01:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Darkandstormynight · 08/12/2014 01:45

I'm sorry, but I think YABU. As disappointed as I would have been, it might not have been your ex at fault. Maybe ds stepped in mud for fun. Maybe by accident. In a million years I'd never think to pop into a charity shop and get cheap trainers on the way to a park. And I'm anal!

Maybe ds asked to go and ex thought it was a nice thing to do and ds would have fun. I know it isn't fun, but I've done my share of using a scrub brush and cleaning off mud on new trainers as well, by hand (using liquid laundry detergent, hand power and hot water).

Next time specify to ds or ex: please wear 'these' if you are going out in the mud and give him a different old pair to wear if going into the mud.

magpieginglebells · 08/12/2014 01:50

YABU. If this makes you fuming how cross do you get when something important happens?

musicalendorphins2 · 08/12/2014 04:43

Yabu. Just rinse them under a tap then toss in the washing machine.

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