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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to give someone a lift to a party when I've promised I will?

73 replies

Boysclothes · 07/12/2014 08:27

We had a childrens party on the calendar for last weekend, a friend who has now moved an lives an hour away. It was scheduled to start at 11 am. We were supposed to give a lift to another friend and her DC. All the kids are 3.

Now, friend having party has quite a small social circle, and the scheduled attendees at the party are only my DS, DC I'm giving a lift to, and two other DC from our NCT group.

Of course, DS wakes up yesterday unwell and pretty quickly vomits everywhere, whingey, moans, has temp and just wants to sleep all day, which he did. Cancelled attendance with sincere apologies and obviously let friend I was giving a lift to that we wouldn't be taking her.

This obviously meant other friend couldn't go, and reduced party attendance by 50%. I feel terrible about this but now I'm getting a bit of stick/snidely comments from one of the other attendees about how I should have still given friend a lift. How sad it was to see birthday boy without anyone at the party, how I'd said I'd give the lift and if it were her, well, she always sticks by her word etc etc. I suspect this has originated from birthday mum and she was annoyed when I cancelled.

Should I have still given a lift? I could have taken friend and left DS with DH but it was an hour away! Two hour round trip to give someone else a lift to a three year olds party just didn't seem reasonable to me.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 08:55

I'm shocked that anyone would honestly 'expect' this lift if you were no longer going for these reasons.

Original poster
Boysclothes · 07/12/2014 09:01

Thanks everyone. You've echoed my own feelings on it. Lift friend is absolutely lovely and was totally understanding. At the time, although party friend seemed quite cross, which I understood, no one else commented, it's just this week I've had a few (from another friend and party mum) which made me start thinking.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 09:03

Well lift friend sounds gracious.

If it caused such great shakes between the others then they could have rallied round with a lift surely.

KatieKaye · 07/12/2014 09:05

I'm stunned at some of the reactions to this

Your child was ill. End of story. Of course you stayed at home with him rather than make a 2 hour journey solely to give someone else a lift to a 3 year olds party. Time away from your DS when he's unwell (and you are probably worried about him) not to mention the expense.

Your child is your priority. Obviously. Party Mum needs to get a sense of perspective. Glad lift sharing pal is okay about it.

See this as a warning about how Party Mum is likely to behave in the future and be forewarned.

Original poster
Boysclothes · 07/12/2014 09:18

To be totally fair to party mum, if I were her I'd probably be a bit gutted too that half my guests weren't coming. I am someone who does generally make an effort though, so I think I should have been cut a bit of slack on this occasion.

Not too bothered to be honest, just was wondering. Everyone will get over it, or they won't.

OP posts:
december12 · 07/12/2014 09:21

I would have felt bad about letting them all down (as I'm sure OP) did but I wouldn't have gone. As PP said, if you had and everyone got ill, that would have been your fault too. I might have made a couple of calls to the other mums involved to explain and ask if anyone else could help lift mum - to save her having to ask IYSWIM, but OTOH that's often the sort of thing I think that I should have done after the event, when it didn't occur to me at the time.

I can understand party mum being upset and over-reacting though. Hopefully she now realises she was unreasonable but at the time she was upset for her DS and that's the worst kind of upset.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/12/2014 09:22

Yanbu at all. What would they like, all at the party to go down with DV, bet they would be criticising you! You did the most sensible thing. I bet they are the ones to bring their dc to school whilst still under the 48 hour period or still vomiting! Selfish individuls.

mummytime · 07/12/2014 09:23

I had sniffy behaviour from one Mum for years because my DD didn't make her DDs party in year 2. My DD had swine flu at the time (mild, but still no one else wanted it did they?).

Aeroflotgirl · 07/12/2014 09:24

When you have a sick child, and have soent all night cleaning vomit and soothing them, the last thing on your mind is irganising alternative travel arrangements. They should use public transport or learn to drive. Yes I am a non car driver btw.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/12/2014 09:28

misswimpy have you lost the plot. Why should she, her priorities are with her sick child, not driving for 2 hours. This is what gives non car drivers a bad name. These parents are adults they could have used public transport or clubbed together for a taxi if they were that desparate to go to the party.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/12/2014 09:29

Well if they start being nasty, I would distance myself, they sound incredibly immature!

MaryWestmacott · 07/12/2014 09:31

I think this, along with the fact the party mum has moved so far away, is a good time to distance yourself. But not from the one who wanted the lift if she was ok about it (and made no other effort to get there under her own steam, she obviously wasn't all that fussed).

Joshuajosephspork · 07/12/2014 09:34

Why are your 'friends' not telling lift friend that she should have made more effort? (not saying she should have, but that makes more sense to me than placing the blame for her non-attendance on you)

IsItMeOr · 07/12/2014 09:37

YANBU for the reasons already said.

If party mum wanted to keep contact with her NCT crowd, she shouldn't have moved an hour away. That move will almost certainly be the end of your and your DC's friendships unless she was your best friend for life, as I would only have regularly taken 3yo DS on a 2 hour round trip for family.

vitabrits · 07/12/2014 09:40

If it was me, I wouldn't have given a lift even if the party was only 5 minutes away if I wasn't going. I'm not a taxi driver.

500smiles · 07/12/2014 09:42

Wow I can't believe anyone could be arsey about that.

Liftee obv wasn't that bothered or she would have sorted out an alternative via public transport - that's who host should be snippy with. Why do you become responsible for taking someone just because you drive?

TSSDNCOP · 07/12/2014 09:45

Lift friend is the keeper out of this lot. She probably thought crikey another few hours and we might have all been in the car with poor sick Boysclotheschild.

Onehouraway friend will be an easy ditch given new logistics, but she'll be OK with NothingyodowithitbutI'llchuckmyoarinanyway friend to keep her company.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/12/2014 09:55

Not only op woukd have been driving 2 hours, but staying at the party for 2 hours and giving lift back home. Means 4 hours if her time, away from her poorly toddler. She is probably tired herself cleaning sick and poo all night, tge last thing she wants is to go to a party! She needs to rest. These mums are as bad as liftzilla on the other thread. How do these non car drivers get about, are they stuck at home!

The411 · 07/12/2014 09:58

There's no way I'd be giving a lift to someone in those circumstances. It was meant to be a favour, not a duty.
There is public transport if she really wanted to go.

newbiefrugalgal · 07/12/2014 10:07

Some strange replies. No way would you be expected to still drive OP

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/12/2014 10:53

Yanbu. It's unfortunate but there you go.

wimpy - are you birthday boys mum?

500smiles · 07/12/2014 19:07

MissWimpyDimple "Sorry. Yes you should have given her a lift! You have a perfectly functioning parent to be with your DS.
Selfish"

Surely by the same assumption lift friend has a "perfectly functioning parent" to take lift friends DC?

OPs responsibility is to her family firstly, to take care of a poorly child.

FannyBlott · 07/12/2014 22:20

YANBU at all op.

plantsitter · 07/12/2014 22:32

has other friend actually been sending you messages to this effect?? how odd. I would reply something like 'you are being ridiculous stop it'. The woman you were going to give a lift to (who sounds nice and normal) is a grown woman who I'm sure could've found a way to get there if she wanted to... But remembered that 3yr olds forget their birthday parties about 20 minutes after they've finished so it really wasn't worth the effort of doing so!

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/12/2014 23:05

Yanbu

Why on earth would you drive an hour each way to take someone to a party that you couldn't go to as your dc was sick

Yes not nice for host and birthday child to have 50% less attendance but if that bothered host could have sent another friend /partner to get the friend who didn't drive

Or friend who didn't drive get a train there and get a lift from station to
House

Maybe when all better you can invite birthday boy and other friend and child to yours and exchange pressies