Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To squirel money away behind DPs back?

50 replies

SellyBW · 06/12/2014 17:17

Situation is that we both work full time. He earns more than me.

The house is in his name only although we both contribute to mortgage and repairs/decoration etc. We are planning to get married in 2016 which will give me all the legal rights to the house that I need and aside from that, he says we can reapply for a joint mortgage once the current one is up for renewal (end of next year). He seems reluctant to try and get me on the mortgage before then).

I 99.9% trust his intentions but a small part of me is thinking "keep a plan B". Therefore I am 'secretly' saving money each month in my own account. If plan A works out and we get married/get the house in both names, I'll invest what I've saved back into the house. If plan B is required - I'll do one with the money.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CatsClaus · 06/12/2014 17:19

I'd keep receipts too!

Nothing wrong with a Plan B imo.

Original poster
SellyBW · 06/12/2014 17:21

I've made sure that the TV license for this address comes directly from my own bank (to show I've paid bills in the home) and my payments to mortgage each month leave my bank as "Mortgage Payment".

Not sure how it would stand up in court but I'm hoping it would give me "something".

OP posts:
Teeb · 06/12/2014 17:24

Do it, and even after you are married always keep a private rainy day fund.

AlpacaLypse · 06/12/2014 17:24

I believe in hoping for the best and planning for the worst. So, yes, I'd continue to save. You don't mention any dcs so I'm assuming you don't have any. And your cunning plan re having evidence that you've been paying towards bills and mortgage is very wise.

I hope it all turns out to be completely unnecessary though!

FunkyBoldRibena · 06/12/2014 17:28

The house is in his name only although we both contribute to mortgage and repairs/decoration etc

If the mortgage is in his name then you still hold no cards.

Why not stop making payments to the mortgage and tell him you are saving up your pennies so that when you have got a lump sum, and you can take this off the mortgage when you reapply?

Can he not afford his mortgage on his own?

Comito · 06/12/2014 17:28

You know what, I don't blame you at all. Having been once in the position where everything was in exP's name, he earned more and I got left with pretty much nothing after leaving him for DV, I made the decision then that I would never again be financially reliant on a DP.

Now, DH and I earn pretty much the same and I make sure we share all costs. I know that in a relationship you shouldn't have to protect yourself, but you never know what's going to happen and every time I look at MN I'm astonished at the number of women who give up work, leave everything financial to their DP and then get utterly fucked over and have nowhere to go and no money.

Original poster
SellyBW · 06/12/2014 17:32

See I'd like to trust him but I have a few niggles in my head - why is he so reluctant to apply for a joint mortgage? why does he not like the idea of a deed of trust? why does he never want to discuss our wedding plans? (of which we have none, just a year!)

So I'm saving a "what if" fund. So far I have £500. My plan is to raise £2k and if all goes well and I end up legally protected - I'll buy the house the new bathroom it desperately needs :-)

OP posts:
CakeAndWineAreAFoodGroup · 06/12/2014 17:39

Why don't you take legal advice as to your actual rights? Which at the moment are a lot less than you seem to believe.

Have you asked him these questions?
Is there an ex on the scene who has an interest in the house?

PogoBob · 06/12/2014 17:43

Could his relutance to put you on the mortgage now be a desire not to 'waste' money? I seem to remember that there are costs associated with adding someone to a mortgage from when I was going to add DH (then DP) to my mortgage.

If your current mortgage runs out nexr year there will be arrangement fees then as well. Also, it's quite possible that you won't get as good a deal as your current mortgage so he doesn't want to miss out on however long of savings just to applying for a new joint mortgage now.

Of course sort out some back-up money for yourself. It is very important to have this and not just in case of divorce etc. (has also made me realise that DH - SAHD and I manage all the money - doesn't have a rainy day fund) but don't tie yourself up in knots thinking the worse of your DP as there may be a logical reason for his apprent reluntance.

PogoBob · 06/12/2014 17:45

Juat seen your last post, the unwillingness to discuss wedding plans would make me a little nervous too so can totally see and understand you worry. Have you had a really frank conversation with him about your worries??

IDontDoIroning · 06/12/2014 17:45

I would tell him you don't want to pay towards the mortgage any more but you will save whatever you are paying each month and when he puts you on the deeds (not just a joint mortgage) you will pay off a lump sum of capital or use it to buy new bathroom etc.
2016 is a long time away and you could have a few £k saved by then.

A lot could happen in that time you could get unexpectedly pg, you could change jobs etc.

Depending on what he says to you then will be a marker for the future of your relationship.

HamPortCourt · 06/12/2014 18:09

I agree with PP, I would stop paying if he doesn't want to give you any rights and put you on the deeds.

YANBU

Please do not get pregnant by this man if you aren't married, your gut is telling you to be worried for a reason.

I hope it all works out OK.

Castlemilk · 06/12/2014 18:10

Yup, just tell him that sadly it makes no financial sense for you to contribute to the mortgage in his name. You're sure he'd do the same thing - until you are married or a deed of trust is done, you'll be saving that money in an account separately.

Castlemilk · 06/12/2014 18:10

Oh and yes agree to not getting pregnant and YES YES agree to listening to that little voice...

Worksallhours · 06/12/2014 18:33

The house is in his name only although we both contribute to mortgage and repairs/decoration etc.

This makes my antennae twitch.

You are not married and your name is not on the deeds ... this is a very precarious situation. He can just chuck you out if he wants. You don't even have a tenancy agreement for security.

I have seen too many women get screwed to high heaven in similar situations to you. It is his house and you are not his wife or civil partner. Legally, you have next to no rights.

Regardless of his intentions, please consider what your situation would be if something untoward happened to him. I've known two women who were chucked out of "their homes" after a partner's death because they were not married and the property was in the partner's name so parents and/or siblings inherited.

Boomtownsurprise · 06/12/2014 18:36

On the planning register there's a form to register both people in the house as living there. That way it cannot be sold out from under you as it would come up in the searches and you would have rights protected.

I can't remember the letter. I'll try to remember to search and repost....

MrsPiggie · 06/12/2014 18:39

Of course you should save some money, that's common sense even if you're married. He's not putting you on the mortgage because you are not married, he has probably already put a lot of money in deposit and payments already and if you were in his position you would be very reluctant to do it as well, very understandably so. As for contributing to the mortgage, you are basically paying for your housing, if you didn't live together or if he didn't own the house, you would pay rent somewhere. I'm surprised at people saying you should stop paying, that would make you a freeloader. I would say stop contributing to house maintenance and improvements until you are on the deeds. And save as much as you can to put yourself in a better financial position.

Purplepoodle · 06/12/2014 18:45

I save money in my own account even though we are married - Dh horrible spender. He knows I save money and I do it for both of us. Don't see the problem with you having your own savings even when your married

Bluetonic123 · 06/12/2014 18:49

Saving money is always a good idea. But I am also surprised that so many posters are saying that you shouldn't contribute anything to the household. Men are called cocklodgers on here for doing that. Not sure why it's ok for women.

Purplepoodle · 06/12/2014 18:51

Did he have the house before you were together? That would make me reluctant to put you in the mortgage before marriage. He might not be a wedding person though, my DH didn't like the idea of 'wedding'. He wanted to get married but the whole wedding planning thing he detested. Pretty much said after much nagging 'I will pick my suit, please can you plan the rest - I just want to marry you' - fair enough I thought.

AdoraBell · 06/12/2014 18:53

Agree with PP, you should have some money saved regardless.

Also agree that if your gut instinct is telling you something isn't right then something isn't right so don't have a child until you are married snd that feeling has gone.

AdoraBell · 06/12/2014 18:53

and

Tryharder · 06/12/2014 18:56

If the house was his before you met, why should he add you to the mortgage so you potentially end up with half a house for little or no prior investment.

If the situation were reversed, everyone would be telling the woman to protect her assets.

I think you are wrong to squirrel away money. By all means save money but be open about it.

Chunderella · 06/12/2014 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.