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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step Kids and "Biggest Bedroom" politics

57 replies

OffTheLager · 06/12/2014 17:00

The situation when we first moved into our 4 bedroomed house:

I had two kids aged 12 and 14 who lived with us full time.

He had two kids aged 15 and 17 who stayed with us every saturday night.

Therefore, as his two had to share the room one night a week, they got the biggest bedroom. My eldest was in 2nd to biggest and my youngest was in the smallest.

The situation now:

I have a 14 and 16 year old son who live with us full time.

He has a 17 year old son who visits almost every saturday night (but not always) and a 19 year old son who visits once in a blue moon.

AIBU to suggest to DH that we swap the bedrooms around allowing my eldest to have the biggest bedroom, my youngest to have the 2nd to biggest bedroom and his youngest to have the smallest bedroom with a pull out bed/bunks incase eldest stops now and again? Otherwise the biggest bedroom is just sat empty most of the time.

It frustrates me that I'm having to shop for space saving furniture for DS2's little bedroom when the bedroom next door has nothing in it but two single beds which are barely used.

I'm thinking of doing up the smallest room properly to DSS2s taste - making it "his own" rather than just the "big empty room he stays in on a saturday night" and if eldest visits, he can use the pull out bed or whatever - it's that rare these days that I don't see the issue really.

DH however can be rather volatile, especially if it involves his kids and this could well blow up into a hugee row if I dare to mention it :( so if there is any way I'm being unreasonable, please tell me so I can save myself the hassle!

Is the fall out worth my point or should I just leave things be?

OP posts:
HamPortCourt · 06/12/2014 20:25

Is this the tip of the iceberg OP?

YANBU about changing the rooms. I would bypass DH and just speak to his son.

However, it sounds like you have other problems in your relationship if you cannot talk openly with DH for fear of him blowing up.

Purplepoodle · 06/12/2014 20:34

I do get it that kids are a touchy subject when they arnt your own. I would do as suggested and ask your dss what he would think of changing rooms if you decorated to his taste. Could you fit in a high sleeper with a futon chair thing underneath for when other dss came to stay?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/12/2014 21:49

You could have one of your DS's share with your stepson? Keep the box room as a spare room which oldest child will use for sporadic visits?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/12/2014 22:00

Haff. She's decorating the room for her dss not her ds

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/12/2014 22:02

Op YANBU its a sensible plan.

Its welcoming to the dss thoughtful maximises space effectively. So good plan all round

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 06/12/2014 22:05

YANBU at all. Your kids are there permanently and it makes sense for them to have the biggest room. Especially if it's ublikely you DSC will visit at the same time

Inertia · 06/12/2014 22:06

If your DH is so volatile that he's likely to kick off about you making a household suggestion or keeping a diary of visit dates, then you could make a lot of extra space by getting rid of him.

Nobody should be scared of a conversation about rooms in a house.

But yes, I'd go with moving youngest child into the big bedroom, and Making the smallest room into DSS room. Purplepoodle's idea - loft bed with futon underneath- would work really well, IKEA have double loft beds so it would still feel relatively grown up.

Haffdonga · 06/12/2014 22:10

needsasock yes, I realise she's planning to decorate for dss. I think I'd just jumped to the assumption that she would also decorate the big empty bare room for ds too. Reading back I realise she didn't actually say she would, but presumably you would, wouldn't you, OP?

MidniteScribbler · 07/12/2014 06:21

Fourteen year old in biggest bedroom with two singles. 19 year old DSS sleeps in there when he does visit.

Seventeen year old in middle room.

Seventeen year old DSS in little room. If 19yo prefers to share with 17yo DSS then they get bunks.

Purplepoodle · 07/12/2014 07:37

I like the idea of offering alternatives of dss having small room to himself and decorated or ask if he wouldn't mind sharing large room with your ds. It's nice to perhaps talk about a couple of choices

Hakluyt · 07/12/2014 07:42

"DH however can be rather volatile, especially if it involves his kids and this could well blow up into a hugee row if I dare to mention it"

I can think of a fantastic way of you making more space................

creativevoid · 07/12/2014 07:49

There are a lot of somewhat facetious comments about your relationship with your H but for me that is what really leapt out. You are afraid to have a perfectly reasonable conversation with him. You know no matter what happens there will be a row. (And you won't win.) I have been there, it is terrible, and you don't deserve to be walking on eggshells in your own house. There is more to abuse than being punched in the face. I just wish I had realised this sooner.

SanityClause · 07/12/2014 07:52

Your plan makes sense. In a normal relationship, you would suggest this to your husband, and you would discuss it, then discuss it with all four boys - probably the DDSs first, then if they were okay with it, with your DS's.

But you don't have a normal relationship.

Do you think this "walking on eggshells" environment is good for your DSs (or DSSs)? Surely their room sizes should be the least of your worries!

Pelicangiraffe · 07/12/2014 07:56

Couldn't you just skip the dad and chat to his youngest saying you had a little idea and how would he feel if he had the small room but you decorated it for him. He could choose the decor. Tell him he doesn't have to decide now but maybe in the new year? Have google to hand with some teenage room ideas

43percentburnt · 07/12/2014 08:06

Your problem is your 'd'h. The fact you know what his responses are likely to be, so much so you have written them Down.

Why hasn't he bothered to decorate his sons rooms? Did he not want to make it nice for them when you all first moved in? Do they have their own rooms at home with mum? Or do they share?

A pp is correct in saying this can be reviewed again if his kids move in full time in the future. More twenty something's are moving back in after uni.

Original poster
OffTheLager · 07/12/2014 14:11

He's just a bossy twat in general though, I'm getting quite wound up about it actually.

When we first moved in I was all enthusiastic about decorating the DSS's bedroom and he said I couldn't as it was a waste of money as his kids don't care about stuff like that. Honestly if you go in there it's awful, it looks like a university dorm. Cream carpet, magnolia walls, two single beds either side and that's it.

I've been saying to him that I want to lay some laminate flooring that we have in the garage in DS2s bedroom, he replies "yes when I have time". So last night I said "can I start pulling the carpet up in DS2s bedroom so it's ready for the flooring and decorating?" and he said "no, you can wait until next weekend." That's when I realised I shouldn't be asking permission in the first place, it's supposed to be my house too!! ridiculous.

Anyway he's all uptight about his eldest not visiting anymore (poor kid still expected to comply with "weekend access visits" at 19 years old) so if I mention it he'll just kick off saying his eldest still visits etc.

If I asked DSS2 outright DH would go mental saying I was taking advantage of him/bullying him whatever

OP posts:
MoreBonkersThanBonkers · 07/12/2014 15:29

It's so frustrating as it might be that the step kids really don't care. My young adult sons have zero interests in their rooms. As long as there is a bed and a plug they are happy.

Original poster
OffTheLager · 07/12/2014 22:24

As predicted - he kicked off.

"You want to push my kids out!"
"Can't believe what you're suggesting!"
"No fucking chance!"
"My lads will be visiting for years to come and you won't change that!"
"You're so out of order, I'm so upset!"
"We should be encouraging my kids to come, not pushing then away!!"

Fuck it, what a wanker.

OP posts:
ooooooooooooooohYessssssssssss · 07/12/2014 22:25

Yup, he's a wanker. Sad.

ChasedByBees · 07/12/2014 22:30

Absolute wanker who seems to think he's the boss of you.

RandomMess · 07/12/2014 22:41
Angry
skylark2 · 07/12/2014 22:50

It does really depend on the room sizes. I think that kids who live there permanently get their own rooms / kids who visit at the weekends share isn't a bad system at all. And it doesn't sound as though the little room is that tiny, since you think it's big enough for two adults / nearly adults to share.

How do your kids and his get on? Could you move your DS into the big room, set up the little room for your DSS who visits every week, but leave an extra bed in the big room for when his older DSS comes?

Your H sounds horrible.

CointreauVersial · 07/12/2014 22:57

Next time the DSC's are there, ask them what they think.

HamPortCourt · 08/12/2014 07:38

So sorry it has blown up in your face but I think you knew it was coming, which is why you were avoiding it.

I wouldn't live like this but only you know what your options are. Brew

bigbluestars · 08/12/2014 07:43

OP- why do you want to inflict this man on your children? I feel sorry for your children.

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