3.5 yo being led astray?

[LittleMilla]

My darling pfb is 3.5. He has a best mate, let's call him Jonny, who's quite a strong character and my DS is pretty happy to follow his lead on most things. Including being an utter shite.

DS1 isn't prefect and I'm under no illusions he is. However, having now got DS2 (18 months) I have realised that DS1 is pretty bloody good and certainly an anomoly amongst 3.5 year olds for the most part.

Now ( will try and keep it brief). His bestie (jonny) goes to the same pre-school as him and we also do a nanny-share with the younger babies. DS1 said to me on Wed morning when talking about pre-school that he'd like to play games XYZ but Jonny doesn't ever want to play these games, so they don't.

Having spoken to pre-school lot about my DS maybe playing with others, they've given me the overwhemlming impression they don't think it's a particularly healthy friendship for my DS. When jonny isn't there they "see a tially different side to DS: very funny, cheeky, much more of his personality". Plus more that I won't bore you with.

What do I do? They live down the road and we're all sort of intertwined. Liklihood is that the boys will go to primary together and I'm thinking of asking school (assuming they get in) that they're split between the two classes.

ABIU? Should I be worried at such a young age...really worried about DS1 being railroaded. He can be a complete shit bag but is fundementally a lovely boy.

At 3.5 no I wouldn't be worrying over this to be honest.

Nice of you to blame this other child, yet your DS is the poor innocent one. How do you know if it's not the other way around. You can't blame the other child for having his own personality, if in fact your DS is following him then he is not 'being lead astray'.

shit bag? utter shite? What do these kids do to deserve this description?

I'm trying to look past the awful way you describe both of these children. They're very young. They probably won't be best friends forever. You could always invite other children over to play and encourage other friendships.

He's 3.5 so of course he has his moments. However, when jonny is around the bad behaviour increases ten fold. He follows and is absolutely not the lead. Even jonny's mum would atest to that. She sees my DS as the good influence,

I'm under no illusions he's perfect, I'm just getting worried about another 6 years of 'big school' living in another's shadow and being led vs finding his own way.

I know they're young. It;s just that preschools worried have spooked me...

Goodarvo - I think you're right on the getting other over. Jonny is the easy option playmate as they;re so close and we do the nanny share, I need to widen the playdate net for sure.

Are you sure it's that your son is being led astray, and it's not just that the two of them bring out the worst in each other? Because my son can be a boisterous toddler in any group, but with his best friend, they can both be much worse behaved than they are with any other children - they really do have an odd love/hate relationship. TBH, even if you don't think it's like that, could you make out like you did if you decide to broach it with anyone in the school, rather than laying blame on the other child?

*He can be a complete shit bag but is fundementally a lovely boy." Seriously?! Who uses this language to describe their child?? Particularly a 3.5 year old?

The 'complete shit bag' is a pretty vile description of your ds to be honest.

Argh. FGS, I am being loose with my language as it's MN.

DS1 is genuinely the one that everyone holds up (amongst friends and family) as an angel child. He's fab. We do of course have moments of him being really tricky, but overall, he's a bloody well behaved child. We did of course think it was all down to superior parenting until DS2 came along, but now we realise he's just a good boy.

When we had the preschool parents' evening I flagged some of our issues at home and was reassured he was "perfect" (their words, not mine) there and they love having him.

I am worried about a friendship he has. I am very fond of 'Jonny' but am worried DS1 is being led vs finding his own way and wonder how much to a worry and b) intervene

I think people are getting too hung up on the language the OP used - I'm sure she doesn't call her child that to his face!

I think it's a good idea to split them, and also talk to your DS about it - make sure he knows he's his own person and can choose independently from his friend, and that he doesn't have to play with him.

I have a 3.5 year old and am amazed you're having these thoughts about children this age. It's never occurred to me to consider these early friendships in this sort of way, I've just found it fascinating to watch them starting to choose friends and funny how unpredictable it is.

How about using your child to help Jonny learn better social rules and model better behaviour? And you could also teach your child strategies to help him play with Jonny. Strategies to make him more assertive so they get to play his games for a change and also how to say no to someone. Also how to encourage others into their games so Jonny has more than one friend too.
Sometimes children need a little guidance and avoiding Jonny will not help yor child to become more assertive and confident when dealing with friendship issues. I find loads of ppl try to avoid issues such as this instead of giving their children the tools to help themselves.

Thank you janeFonda for that; of course I don't EVER speak that way to DS. I've had a G&T and am being flippant with language.

They are 3.

Little Jonny is not leading your DS down the path of drugs and booze.

soloman and daisy - the challenge I ahve is that that jonny's parent's really encourage the friendship. They see my DS as "the good boy" and enjoy his positive influence on jonny. So it's going to be a tough one as I am not sure it's quite so beneficial for my DS.

Jonny is also actually quite cautious/shy, really, but when around my DS much more confident. BUT, I feel like it's slighty to my DS's detriment as he's obviously not really making his own decisions/choices/playing with anyone else. The eg he gave was (when I was asking what they play) "I'd like to play Bears, doctors, octonaughts, but Jonny doesn't like those games so we don't." When I asked pre-school they said that sort of rings true and DS does just what Jonny wants.

Sorry, meant dangly

If the preschool have commented to you that the friendship is not beneficial for ds I would ask the next school to place them seize rarely if possible. You can always ask the pre school to back you up.

It's amazing how complex the interpersonal politics of 3yos can be. Sadly most people underestimate them.

Don't worry op, my much beloved 96% well behaved dd is an utter shite sometimes too. Come to think of it so am I

Jonny can do/play whatever games he wants. It's not his problem your DS chooses to tail him.

No I wouldn't be worried. It's a common thing - one friend too bossy, the other follows. Then gets fed up and finds someone who does let them choose. Always good to keep a range of friends whatever happens I think. He won't follow him round like Lazy Linda for a decade. And they grow out of it. Some of dc's best friends now are ones we hung in with, despite awful behaviour.

Has he actually asked Jonny to play these games? Does Jonny know he wants to play them? I find quite often children up to 6/7 will cry and say X won't play my game and when you ask them if they asked their friends, they say no. Often they don't grasp the concept that they have to introduce a game and ask the other person. Sometimes children will say they don't know how to ask someone to play their game.

I think it can be a beneficial relationship for both if you give your child the tools to say something to Jonny. He will come across overbearing children in every class and having the ability to handle such issues at a young age gives him the capability to deal with future issues. It will also help Jonny to be told no from other children or to be challenged about his games and how he plays in an appropriate manner. If he learns other ways to play and joins in with your son, he may develop other interests or learn how to co-operate with others during play. Good luck!

herrena thank you thank you thank you for not making me feel like a bad mother for calling him a shite ha

And yes, being the first I don't know when it's right/wrong to be worried. I think that if preschool had shrugged it off I wouldn't be worried. But the made a big ppint of saying today (when jonny isn't there) how DS was much more "himself" etc etc, which has worried me.

just wanted to test opinions about whether they stick with early friends or grow out of them etc. Dunno. Do I need to intervene (really don't want to!)

Chirza & dangly thanks, sounds very sensible. I did say to DS that he doesn't just need to ask jonny to play bears, or whatever. He just seems slightly in awe sometimes so Im hoping he'll cast the net a little wider soon. Esp if the preschool staff are facilitating.

Saying that, if/when jonny is being funny about one of his 'isms' DS just sort of shrugs and cracks on. He's very confident in himself. Altho I'm convinced that having not pooed himself once during potty training, he only did it at preschool because jonny was. Grrr! Thankfully that has now passed.

Prob not helped by the fact jonny's parents are a bit wet (hoping they're not on MN and i'm outing myself!). He is completely indulged in SOOOOO many things it kills me.

I do like them reallly though, honest.

I had a very similar situation in my eldest sons reception year and I was getting very worried about it. Luckily for us we were on the waiting list for our first choice school and we got a call as a place came up. He was a different child, his new friends are much better suited to his personality. In your shoes I would totally request different classes.