Dealing with a difficult Father-In-Law - HELP!

[LunaLunita]

Warning this is a very long post! Sorry!

Im am writing under a different screen name so that I can speak freely here, as I am desperate for some wise advise.
I have a very difficult in law situation. My husband and his siblings were given a very large trust fund when they were 16 by their father when he sold his business. I have been with my husband for 7 years now and have seen my father in law hold this financial gift as a means of emotional blackmail and control over his kids since the day he gave it. Now all the kids are in their early 30s, though they continue to take emotional and verbal abuse because they feel indebted to this man who has given them such a privileged life. In fact my father in law reminds them of this every time they have a dispute, and threatens to take "his money back" even though legally he gave it away to his kids over 15 years ago. I don't know how many times I have told my husband that just because he gave him this money does not give him license to treat people the way he does. My father in law is a classic narcissist: he feels the world revolves around him, he has no empathy for anyones feelings other than his own, and if you have an opinion on anything that is different than his you might as well keep it to yourself because he won't have it. He's arrogant and dismissive and the only people who are still in his life are those that he has helped or is helping financially and they feel indebted to him - he in return feels like he owns them and can treat them however he sees fit. I could spend days sharing the stories of horrible things he has done to his family, its really quite sad and I really don't understand why they are still around. It is hard for me to understand the psychology of those who have this blind love for him and somehow manage to come up with the most ludicrous reasons for defending his every action, no matter how wrong it is.

Anyway, getting to current issue at hand. Things have come to a head with me and my father in law. He has had a proper dressing down with every other member of the family, even the other daughter in laws multiple times over the most petty of things, though it has not yet happened with me until now. A few months ago he told my husband that he decided he didn't want anything to do with me because I didnt give him the attention he deserved whenever we saw them. Apparently he has been keeping a list for a years (talk about passive aggressive). For example, there was one time 2 years back that he had surgery and I didn't ask him how he was feeling; then at our wedding I didn't pay enough attention to him; then 6 months ago when he came to visit us I didn't offer to make him enough teas nor was I up and making him breakfast when he got up in the morning (mind you I had a 3 month old baby) and then the icing on the cake was that I didn't sign his birthday card which my husband sent a few months back. So he called my husband the other day to invite us up for Christmas and has invited me up as well so that we can "bury the hatchet" in his words. I told my husband I would love to go up and have a nice Christmas and forget all this nonsense, etc, but I won't go up if that means he is going to give me one of his dressing downs - which means he will pull me aside in a separate room and have a go at me and tell me everything he doesn't like about me, make me apologise and then agree that I will not act that way going forward. That is his way of burying the hatchet. I would be totally down for having a two way honest adult discussion so that we can work through our differences, but he does not work that way. He doesn't allow anyone else to speak and he will not accept anyone giving him any sort or criticism , in his mind he is without fault. He would go into a blind rage even if I tried in the most gentlest of ways. So anyway, my husband very nicely called him back and thanked him for inviting us up for Christmas but that our only condition was that we wanted a nice Christmas and that no one would get getting a dressing down. My father in law lost it and said that it was necessary for him to be able to move on and that we would not be invited to come up unless he could address issues with me. Then he stuck it to my husband where he knew it would really hurt, and said "son if you don't come up for Christmas then there will be consequences to pay as your relationship with me will be in jeopardy and you will cause problems with your mother and I, so have a word with your wife and make your decision wisely". This is not the first time he has cued the emotional blackmail. So now my husband is distraught over what to do. he was in tears the other night saying that I was making him choose between me and his family and that I should just suck it up and deal with it because he is the one who is paying for our lifestyle (by means of the trust fund he gave my husband over 15 years ago). I'm of course upset over all of this as well, as I hate seeing my husband so upset and don't want to be the cause of him falling out with his father. I just think that boundaries have to be set, I have too mush self respect to let myself go up there and be yelled at so that my father in law can feel better, and then turn around and be able to put on an act for this man for the rest of Christmas. I still have my resentment towards him that will only be exacerbated by the situation. My question is, am I being selfish and unreasonable here? Should I just suck it up and take it just as everyone else does just to keep the peace? Or am I right in wanting to make a point and set boundaries, even if it means that relationships will fall apart?
Sorry for such a long post. I just have no one else to talk to about this and really need some help!

MiddleAged I don't think PPs are saying OP has to put up with anything. They are saying she and DH might have to choose to give up the money if there are strings attached.
OP seems to have gone quiet so who knows.

So check the terms of the trust. If irrevocable you can tell him to take a hike. If not start looking at how you can be independent. If you can't be then sorry suck up the tirade and take it as you earning your lifestyle. Nothing comes for free.

I feel for you. I had a major falling out with my family over something like this. I went my own way and today I am the favorite because I made something of myself. It isn't easy and I would never do something like this to my children. Luckily I have the money to enable my kids to tell a FIL like this to F off.

Sometimes when you stand up to men like this, in a particular way they respect you more.

I would go and have it out with a very large brandy in my hand. Give him both barrells about what ever he says.

Are there any positives to Christmas with them ? If there aren't I would seriously consider not going, but if there is I might go and just have it out and carry on having fun with everyone else.

However my mum is a narc and once she starts arguing there is no stopping and you just have to leave. If it will be like that just don't go in the first place.

Hmm well I don't agree with the emotional blackmail element at all, but theer are 2 sides to every story.
some of the things you have done seem pretty pointed. Not asking him how he was after operation, not feeding him when he was a house guest or being friendly to him on his wedding day all seem pretty rude and uncaring to me

So it's a woman's job to cook a breakfast for this dickhead of a FIL? Her lilly-livered husband could have. 2 sides to every story my arse.

Thank you so much for all of your great feedback. Makes me feel like maybe Im not so much of a witch for standing my ground.
To answer your questions, the money is 100% my husbands. And let me just establish the fact that we both work - its not that we sit around shopping and eating bon bons all day. its just that this money has enabled us to own our own home and have some supplementary income throughout the year through investment income from the trust - if that makes any sense. Its more of the guilt factor that we owe him because he has enabled us to have these luxuries that most people our age don't have. Furthermore, my husband and his siblings have this really strange relationship with their father, I don't know if co-dependency or what, but nothing matters more than getting approval from their father. They find a way to justify or dismiss any wrong he does. The idea of saying F U to him, would never cross their mind in a million years! Its the weirdest thing I have ever seen. They just can't see the forest from the trees for some reason!

prettywhiteguitar Fri 05-Dec-14 18:10:57

I agree!!

I would go and have it out with a very large brandy in my hand. Give him both barrells about what ever he says

I agree but its a risky strategy because he could also be a total misogynist pig and love a man to stand up to him but a woman...

Anyway op, you have a few choices.

You could look on him as someone with mental health issues and treat him as such, it does sound like it....ie, go ....take it all light heartedly, make a big joke out of it, embarrass him if necessary, take a whistle when he tries to get you alone and blow it and scream for help, or a rape alarm...get it over then forget about it...

or not go and as someone said start to say no, but of curse check TF first...

or go and stand up and fight the bastard....

Luna you couldnt be further from a witch!

who on this earth should have to take such a ridiculous situation.

Your FIL is ruling through mad power games...

So it's a woman's job to cook a breakfast for this dickhead of a FIL?

No, It's a host's job to make sure their houseguests are fed!!

Wow I am sorry but no way would I have got involved with someone with that much baggage that they couldn't see!! Good luck with that one!

wow, i know a man who carries on like this and my m&d alwayys tell me which one of his kids he's not speaking to at the moment when they meet him.

If you can not give a fuck what this guy thinks you'll be the one member of the family that's free.

Then her husband should have done it, marnia. Instead the dickweed FIL blamed it on her.

Sorry, OP, but I'd not be able to stay with a man like this. And I'd tell him to go to Xmas alone. There is no fucking way I would put up with abuse like this and zero way I would have kids with such a wimp as there is no way I would put my children in the path of such a toxic person.

No, It's a host's job to make sure their houseguests are fed!!

With a 3 month old baby, any able-bodied adult in my house who couldn't make their own toast or open the fridge would be told to GTFO.

OP, I'd say since you can't change your FIL, you need to do what you actually can do and work on your relationship with DH. If you two are strong, there's nothing the vile old man can do anyway. If this isn't possible, take care of your own self. Work out what is more important to you - keeping the peace or maintaining your right not to be verbally and emotionally abused - that's how I see it anyway. I think there are pros and cons to both options and nobody else can make that choice for you.

Hi Luna,
I have a very difficult FIL. He was slightly difficult when DH and I were engaged. Ruined my wedding by having several temper tantrums on the day. Since our wedding he has actually got worse and worse. 16 years on he's a bitter, horrible man - in fact I was in tears today after another dutiful/painful visit.
I stupidly have always tried to be nice and polite and improve our relationship. Pointless - he's a bully. Wish, wish I had stood up to him years ago - because then we could have all moved on and our relationship would at least be an honest one. But it is very difficult when it hurts DH (only one parent if his is left).
Your instincts are exactly right. Enough is enough. Don't put up with it any more.

You can't put a price on self-respect. If you have to choose between self-respect and money - go for the former. No one with an ounce of it would choose to travel to the inlaws home in order to listen to such a litany of bile.

Don't go. And work on making yourself financially independent of him. Make sure that fil withdrawing his money is nothing to fear. The security of knowing you have the skill to earn a living and the opportunity to do so will be so much more satisfying you'd genuinely be happier.

And then, even if the money is tied up so that FIL can't withdraw it, live free of it anyway. Leave it untouched to be passed on to your children or grandchildren once the old git is dead.

Absolutely agree you shouldn't go. Perhaps you should ask him to set out his issues with you in writing so that you can write back answering each accusation? I bet he loves working himself up into a rant and intimidating people, but he won't want to put it down in black and white because it would look petty and idiotic.

MaitreKarlsson Fri 05-Dec-14 18:54:13

YY.

I spent years biting my tongue round PILS house....being polite, smiling, fitting in etc. It didn't make them like me any more in fact quite the opposite.

I have NCd to even answer this!
Are you me?

Seriously though I have very similar going on here but without the trust find except never forget FIL lent DP 1k 15 years ago
I was NC with him for 18 months as he's a controlling manipulative misogynist.

He came to our town a few weeks back and I was guilted into meeting him for the 'bury the hatchet' thing. I was so worried about it I was crying when we were talking. 'Bury the hatchet' meant him banging his fist on the table and explain to me how him and SMIL thought we were terrible parents, I behaved badly in his house 5 years ago because I told him he was out of order for something he did with my DS1 in 'HIS kitchen', we don't know how to discipline our children (one has ADHD) and we don't give them enough milk !. He also said my DP was a philanderer and 'told people what they wanted to hear' meaning me and that DP was perfectly fine and they had a 'lovely time'when DP was a child (DP had panic attacks, anxiety, dyslexia, and probable ADHD).

I just sat there and cried (which apparently he was annoyed about because he didn't feel he could properly tell me what he thought

The only thing I said in return was that DP regresses when he visits and plays up to his DF - which is true- he behaves very differently and It upsets me.

DP visited with one of my children and was told I was a fucking bitch and how dare I stop him coming for Christmas because we said we weren't coming ( we were invited 'if we behaved' via DSIL)

DO would be NC but FIL gets threatening and disruptive with family if he refuses to listen to him talk at him speak to him

I am the devil
You are not alone

fatherchristmasstolemybrain Fri 05-Dec-14 19:12:28

I wonder if they do go to some special In Law school.

I also had the move on bury the hatchet speech.

My difference was I never allowed it, and my DH didn't trust them either.

I do not speak to them 8 years on, I will never allow them to be so rude to me ever again.

If they had truly wanted to bury the hatchet and move on, they would have, 8 years ago written me an apology wouldn't they.

I agree about checking out the terms of the trust, and finding out who the trustees are. Don't go for Christmas unless you can listen without getting upset (I think looking bored and shrugging your shoulders would be brilliant, but I'd probably save it for February). He's an arsehole, he will never get better.

I'd be tempted to listen impassively to the old git, then say: " You're having a laugh, aintcha?" turn on my heel, pick up the baby and go.

Or possibly" You do realise said that out loud, don't you?", turn on heel, etc.

Fuck with his head.

Then go NC.

No way should you go. Furthermore there is no chance that I'd let the abusive fucker anywhere near my children. He'd do the same head job on them that he has done to his own children

DO would be NC but FIL gets threatening and disruptive with family if he refuses to listen to him talk at him speak to him

There's a book called "The Dance of Intimacy" that might be a good read. Basically there's a blurb in there about how when one person refuses to continue following the script, it challenges everyone else in the family. Other family members get upset because they now have to come to terms with the fact that they don't have to put up with it if they don't want to, instead of something they've had to do. It's an interesting read.

Your both employed and earning money - screw the trust fund there is no 'extra luxury' money in the world that would make me take that kind of crap from anyone. It can be so damaging to your self esteem and self worth.

I think the money is a red herring in that it was given in the past, it's completely normal to support adult children and in no way means either of you should feel indebted to him. A gift is a gift; if strings are attached that's your FIL's problem. Forget the money. You would do the same for your own children.

As for the dressing down. You either refuse to go - tell your husband you will not be bullied, but that you will not stand in the way of his own relationship with his dad.

Or you go. Hear him out impassively. Do not engage. Calmly end the conversation "we'll have to agree to disagree about the way we see things. I don't wish to argue at Christmas". End of conversation.

Or you tell your dh you need his support in standing up to his dad and you would like him to tell his dad not to criticise you.

If you could manage the impassive reaction it would probably be the best way of dealing with him. Don't get mad. View him with disdain, but remain polite. It would put you in a really strong position.