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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about money owed?

77 replies

Sn00p4d · 05/12/2014 12:58

I'm to involved in this and need an honest perspective so I will take on board your decision!
Over a year ago I lent "someone" £1000 on the provision they would pay me back at £100 a month. All well and good, the money was lent for a holiday but that's by the by. When it was lent I wasnt pregnant, I am now and am trying to save up enough money to cover my outgoings while on maternity leave.

Anyway, every month, without fail, I have had to remind/harass the person to pay me back he £100, usually getting me with "you'll get it when I give you it" type responses. I don't like having to ask let alone practically beg, it had been agreed to be paid back on the last day of each month, already we've lost a month somewhere.

So this person yesterday came into a largeish sum of money, £1100. I am owed £300, and the person said they would 'maybe' pay me back what was owed, I was very happy about this as I'm struggling a bit trying to save up to my target to afford my mat leave so I would have appreciated it back earlier than expected. I mentioned casually if they could transfer me it rather than pay cash so I could squirrel it away in my savings account, cue shouting that I was BU asking for the money, that I would get it when they see fit, that it was their money to do with as they wish etc etc.

(I'm deliberately not mentioning the relationship of this person to me as I know it will colour responses :/)

So. AIBU to want the money paid back now?

OP posts:

Fairywhitebear · 05/12/2014 14:51

Seriously? There are people out there who 'lend' money to their husband?

If you can't trust someone enough to have joint finances, and enjoy a relationship based on equal footing, therein lies your problem imo.

Oh and if you knew he was crap with money, why the hell did you give it to him in the first place??! You should have told him to get a loan from the bank

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/12/2014 14:51

Maybe you could pool what was left net of debt repayments?

Shared finances work for us because DH works for himself so its easier to keep his business spending separate from family expenditure. Additionally, our income differential is big enough that I cover most of the bills anyway.

LittleBairn · 05/12/2014 14:52

He sounds controlling I would tell him money now or go.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/12/2014 14:53

Gah
Not having shared finances...

Friday afternoon brain

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 05/12/2014 14:54

I'm gobsmacked that you're having a baby with this man with seemingly no discussion beforehand as to how you'll split or share costs for the child.

But then I'm also baffled at the whole set up. I can't imagine 'owing' my DH money, or 'loaning' him money for that matter.

Anyway, you agreed he would have until February to pay it back. He sounds massively resentful about owing you money and I have to admit that part of me can understand where he's coming from.

Fairywhitebear · 05/12/2014 14:56

We both have substantial debts that we are paying off independently of one another and until those are resolved I don't think it's appropriate but again, that's just me.

Erm, for richer for poorer?? Ring any bells??? When myself and DH got together (not even married, just serious) , the first thing that got paid off was his £700 credit card bill. Yes, by my finances. If you're going to be married, you're a unit imo. To be honest, you married him, you married his debt. (cos let's be honest, if he had loads of ££ and you got divorced, you'd be after a chunk of that. Same thing)

How the hell are you going to manage once the baby arrives?? Who will pay for what? I bought the moses basket so you need to buy the monitor?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/12/2014 14:57

Little Bairn

You could equally argue that the OP sounds controlling for only loaning her spouse the money. Can you imagine the reaction if a woman posted

" DH has agreed to lend me the money for our holiday but I have to pay him back every month"

There would have been a chorus of LTB.

I suspect both of them I trying to be in control of their finances rather than each other and may be pulling in different directions right now. Hence the need for a good chat and an maybe an action plan.

WaroftheRoses · 05/12/2014 15:01

That reminded me fairy, when my DH and I were engaged he paid off my student loan from inheritance. It didn't need clearing, I could have run it on for years, yet the way he saw it, his money was mine and my debt was also his! should have done a runner before the wedding really shouldn't I

LittleBairn · 05/12/2014 15:06

I disagree chaz he agreed to the loan (and both parties sound happy with seperate finances so that's fair IMO ) but now he has the money he's decided he won't be paying it back straight away but when he decides. That is controlling.

LittleBairn · 05/12/2014 15:07

And for what its worth DH and I share all our finances.

Siarie · 05/12/2014 15:07

War I thought of my student loan too from that comment! Poor DH has to pay mine off because I'm a shareholder of his company we literally were just chuckling about that together now.

Fairywhitebear · 05/12/2014 15:11

War My mum always tells the story that she met my Dad and realised to her horror a. she knew he was the man she was going to marry and b. he had debt of £300 that needing paying off!

They've been married 42 years now

cafecita · 05/12/2014 15:12

sounds like my ex

no, he doesn't pay maintenance at all - yes I paid for everything - yes I was once crying on mat leave when my card was declined in a coffee shop buying my child a muffin

cafecita · 05/12/2014 15:14

yes I did pay for holidays, rather than loan them - perhaps he could buy all the baby things you need (cot, buggy, car seat) with the £1100 and no more headaches .. for a while..

Mammanat222 · 05/12/2014 15:24

My partner and I have always had separate finances (3 homes and 2 kids down the line). It may not work for everyone but it does for us.

I am a monthly earner and OH earns "per job" - a job can pay weekly / monthly or even on completion depending on the nature of it.

Takes a little bit of planning BUT he just pays me according to how he is paid.

Just saying that separate finances can work. Although it's always worked out so we pay 50/50 if we're both working FT.

BuggersMuddle · 05/12/2014 16:01

I can't get my head around this set up either OP.

I do think he should pay you back, but I also think the financial system you have in place is dysfunctional given the complexities of debts, part time working and a baby on the way.

What would happen if one of you lost your job?

needastrongone · 05/12/2014 16:10

OP - why do you think your DP reacted as he did to you asking for the remaining £300? That seems quite a strong reaction, so I wondered why you think he might behave that way?

DH and I have been married 17 years. He earns more than me, and always has. He also had quite a bit more equity in his property when we combined homes. He was always adamant it was our money, not his and it was irrelevant who earned more or had more. I found that very hard at the beginning, but I know that if it had been me earning/having more, it wouldn't have made a jot of difference to me.

In fact, DH had a bit of debt, which we paid off together.

Now he moans he earns it, I spend it

LegoAdventCalendar · 05/12/2014 16:41

It is folly to go part-time who you procreate with a person like this. You make yourself dependent on him. Really, really bad move.

youareallbonkers · 05/12/2014 17:41

If you are married then all money & assets are jointly owned so you can't lend him money.

But once again I have to ask...why, as you must have already lent him the money months before you got pregnant, did you choose to have a baby with him?

Tobyjugg · 05/12/2014 17:51

The person is an out and out cunt and if it were me I'd be heading to the Small Claims Court. ^It's my money...." How old ate they 10 FFS!

Tobyjugg · 05/12/2014 17:51

*are they

Tobyjugg · 05/12/2014 17:53

Posted before reading the whole thread. Words fail me!

Viviennemary · 05/12/2014 18:58

You both sound equally selfish where money is concerned. A re-think of attitude is needed if your marriage is to survive. IMHO. It was a bit unwise to bring a baby into this financial set up.

Original poster

Sn00p4d · 06/12/2014 00:23

Nope fairy, I've already bought pretty much everything for the baby. I've also bought all of the Xmas presents for his and my families as he couldn't afford to. I don't grudge either of these things, I'm quite happy to help him out when I can, I don't catalogue what I spend and bill him. The £1000 was a substantial amount for me and had he not offered to repay it we just wouldn't have went as I couldn't afford to pay for both of us.

When I say I am the higher earner, my salary isn't great, just better than his.

OP posts:

ReginaBlitz · 07/12/2014 10:22

I dont understand this, shouldnt all money be boths money?...shouldnt the money he has just come into be going on you and the baby? what a strange relationship.

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