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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about money owed?

77 replies

Sn00p4d · 05/12/2014 12:58

I'm to involved in this and need an honest perspective so I will take on board your decision!
Over a year ago I lent "someone" £1000 on the provision they would pay me back at £100 a month. All well and good, the money was lent for a holiday but that's by the by. When it was lent I wasnt pregnant, I am now and am trying to save up enough money to cover my outgoings while on maternity leave.

Anyway, every month, without fail, I have had to remind/harass the person to pay me back he £100, usually getting me with "you'll get it when I give you it" type responses. I don't like having to ask let alone practically beg, it had been agreed to be paid back on the last day of each month, already we've lost a month somewhere.

So this person yesterday came into a largeish sum of money, £1100. I am owed £300, and the person said they would 'maybe' pay me back what was owed, I was very happy about this as I'm struggling a bit trying to save up to my target to afford my mat leave so I would have appreciated it back earlier than expected. I mentioned casually if they could transfer me it rather than pay cash so I could squirrel it away in my savings account, cue shouting that I was BU asking for the money, that I would get it when they see fit, that it was their money to do with as they wish etc etc.

(I'm deliberately not mentioning the relationship of this person to me as I know it will colour responses :/)

So. AIBU to want the money paid back now?

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 05/12/2014 13:34

I'm flabbergasted at this, I can't actually believe this is a husband & wife relationship!!!

VanitasVanitatum · 05/12/2014 13:34

Sounds like he massively resents you not just giving him the money as you have more. Can understand not wanting to merge finances as he is not good with money, I do think if there was a gender reverse though posters would be telling you that both partners should have equal sending money etc..

Viviennemary · 05/12/2014 13:42

You earn a lot more than him and yet you're demanding your money back. If this was the other way round the man would be called a financial abuser.

SuperGlue · 05/12/2014 13:46

I can't believe this is a husband and wife relationship! Surely if you as a couple wanted to go on a holiday and you looked at finances and there was money available for it, that it, you just went on the holiday. I really cannot fathom 'mine and yours' in a marriage. It's a bit bonkers!

Mammanat222 · 05/12/2014 13:47

"Over a year ago" is 12 months or more right? £100 a month should have paid it back in 10 months.

So why does he still owe you £300?

msrisotto · 05/12/2014 13:48

If he couldn't afford the holiday, he shouldn't have borrowed the money. Sounds like your arrangement is all kinds of fucked up though.

Original poster
Sn00p4d · 05/12/2014 13:52

Thanks for that. As i have explained, pregnant. I'll be starting my mat leave in a month and will be on SMP. Thereafter I will be returning to work part time. My part time wage will be less than my husbands full time wage but not massively less. I lent the money on the basis it would be returned. As I have stated I am saving up to make up the difference between SMP and my wage, and after that the difference between my new part time wage and my outgoings, as I will be earning less than I pay out. We both have debt dating back to before we met which we pay separately, I have considerably more, so our disposable incomes have always been roughly the same, until 7 months ago when every spare penny I have has been put in a savings account to fund the above. My husband still has his usual disposable income and hasn't contributed to any savings. I feel that as its my choice to go part time it's my responsibility to ensure I can afford to do it. I appreciate that's not how everyone views it.

I don't think either of us are knowingly "financial abusers" although it's interesting that we've both been referred to as such! The crux of it is that I wanted to know if I was BU to want my money back out of this windfall or if I should wait as I wasn't expecting it all yet anyway. fanny the holiday was booked over a year ago but I agreed to him starting paying it back after we'd returned so he's been paying since then. I'd stipulated I wanted it paid back by feb as that's when baby is due, he maintains I'll get it by feb so have no right to be "demanding" it now.

OP posts:
Jux · 05/12/2014 13:53

He's a cocklodger. Don't expect him to contribute much financially once you've given birth, either.

Rooberoobe · 05/12/2014 13:55

As other have said if it was the other way round this would be a totally different story.

I get the mine and yours as DH and I have seperate finances. However he'd never begrudge helping me so 'we' could go on holiday or in our case he helped me buy a car when mine was written off. He lent me some money I paid most of it back but was about £400 short. He didn't bother chasing me for it as we both had use of the car and it meant I could continue to work.

I suspect there are wider issues than the £300 which needed resolving before a child was being brought into the relationship.

specialsubject · 05/12/2014 13:56

that's not a marriage - I see no partnership, no respect and I also see the start of abuse.

good luck with it all, you'll need it. I'd start making plans to build your lifeboat.

tethersend · 05/12/2014 14:02

"I feel that as its my choice to go part time it's my responsibility to ensure I can afford to do it. "

In that case, don't forget to bill your DH for childcare on the days which you're not working.

WaroftheRoses · 05/12/2014 14:05

You "lent" your husband £1000 to go on holiday with you? And now you want the remainder of the "loan" back. Do you have separate groceries in your own cupboards? Separate tubes of toothpaste bought by each one of you? This is the weirdest financial situation in a marriage ever! My interpretation-you (a married couple) went on a holiday that you couldn't afford without dipping into savings. You want the savings paying back, your DH is a pratt with a childish attitude to finance, particularly with a child on the way. BTW-when you go back part time will you have childcare costs? Will that leave you any wage left at all? I'm worried for you as what are you going to live on if your tight husband carries on keeping "his" money while you take financial responsibility for the child?
To answer you question-yes the £300 should be paid now. Plus the rest of the windfall. Keep it safe as you have no idea what will happen once your baby arrives and you may need the cushion. You have obviously taken control of your finances-he needs to do the same and to realise that as a husband and father he is also responsible for the massive change in financial circumstances that is soon to come!

jimineycrick3t · 05/12/2014 14:09

It doesn't matter who the money was loaned to, or who gets paid more, the fact of the matter is..it was a LOAN and there was an agreement to pay it back.

Had a similar agreement with my DB 5 years ago, he paid £50 back then was disgusted and went off his head 2 years later when I had the nerve to ask for it when we were on our arses. I have since seen it as a lesson learned even when he came 6 months ago crying because he had no money. Hmm

I see where your coming from with the merging finances but what happens when you've been part time for a while? will your DH be earning more?

anyways YANBU!

Original poster
Sn00p4d · 05/12/2014 14:10

war absolutely agree, the holiday should never have happened, it was booked before we conceived and so we went as we would have lost the money anyway but it was a terrible idea and a total waste of money we didn't have given the circumstances.
I won't have childcare costs when I return to work as our parents are helping us out and I'll be off a few days so shouldn't need regular childcare, maybe here and there.

We are both hugely financially irresponsible, probably me more so, however I've been trying my best to save every penny. I know it sounds ridiculous to be asking my husband for money back, I know that I should have just paid for it, but as things stand that will cover two months of my working part time and every little bit helps until my debt is paid off. I'm not proud of myself for moaning about £300. Far from it.

OP posts:
simbacatlivesagain · 05/12/2014 14:11

Very interesting- if this was the other way round the comments would be very different.

I see no respect on either side. You share a marriage and now will have a child but cant share money or be financially equal. Try- whats mine is yours. When you have the baby will you be asking him for 50p because you spent £1 on a snack for your child?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/12/2014 14:16

I don't think your financial arrangement is working. DH and I have separate finances and I am a much higher earner. However, I have never "lent" him money. Holidays are a family expense and we pay according to who has what available or we go somewhere cheaper.

I think you and your DH needed to have another chat about finances and to try and find a more equitable way of working even if you don't want to share finances.

Vitalstatistix · 05/12/2014 14:29

I can't believe this is your husband tbh. It really sounds like he enjoys the power (?) of making you ask. I wonder if he would be as laid back if you owed him money. Would he? Leaving aside the idea of one person in a marriage owing the other money, how would he be if the shoe was on the other foot and your attitude was you'll get it when you get it so fuck off.

I think you really need to have a chat and see if you can't tweak things because can you imagine how life is going to be over the years?

Who is going to meet the costs of raising a child? If you keep your money separate, are you going to have to ask him to contribute to nappies, etc?

Perhaps a central fund and separate spending money might work better for a family if you don't feel that pooling all your money is the right choice for you.

I can just see the situation you have now causing no end of aggro over the years. It might be worth seeing if there's something you will both be happy with and that will stop this sort of resentment. I mean, do you really want to shag someone, have kids with them, build a home, share a life, plan to grow old together and have rows about who owes who how much money?

LegoAdventCalendar · 05/12/2014 14:30

I have had less complicated financial arrangements with flatmates.

Siarie · 05/12/2014 14:31

The relationship totally changes this scenario, you and your DH could use a long chat about money and pooling your resources.

Currently it's not really a very workable scenario and will become even less so when you go on maternity leave.

There are lots of workable ways and lots of posters will have various things that work for them. But it's about finding a setup that works for both of you. There will always be times where one has to support the other and knowing where you stand with that is important.

With regards to this loan, I would say given the agreement at the time your DH should pay you back. But in future it might be better to pool resources especially if you might need the same help (if you want to go on holiday and aren't working at some point) in the future. I'm on holiday right now and I don't expect my DH to send me a bill when we get home lol! But years ago we did used to pay separately for holidays (when we first got together and before we were married).

Original poster
Sn00p4d · 05/12/2014 14:36

Thank you to those of you who have given me some constructive advice, I agree a chat is needed! I'm not against joint finances in the future, nor is my husband, but we are relatively young and both have substantial debts that we are paying off independently of one another and until those are resolved I don't think it's appropriate but again, that's just me.
In the meantime though we definitely need a chat as I'm not going begging every month, nor am I going to chase him for 50p in every pound I spend on the baby, thanks to whoever made that delightful suggestion!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/12/2014 14:37

I was wondering about the costs of the child too.

Will he pay towards the babys upkeep or expect you to pay it?

In all honesty I think I would plan to go back FT and save as much as I could, I cant see this lasting if he is like this now when you dont have a child to pay for.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2014 14:38

Lots of people do not want to pool resources.

Its not unusual these days. If both are contributing towards living costs appropriately and in agreement that entertainment/holidays are social occasions funded through personal not bill income,it is not financial abuse to loan each other money or to expect a loan to be paid back. Its pretty shit to not pay it back as soon as you can.

BrieAndChilli · 05/12/2014 14:43

I just don't see how seperate finances can work in a family situation.?!
This week for example I have had to pay for school panto, DVD of kids school play, food, etc. if I had to go ask for half of that money every time I had to pay something out it would get very annoying and complicated. We have a joint account and everything comes out of that. From the rent and council tax to the magazine I bought yesterday. It would just be such hard work to work out who has paid for what and who bought coffees last time etc?!

Cabrinha · 05/12/2014 14:43

I think it's shoddy not to pay it all now, but not unfair. You agreed to have it monthly by Feb, so you don't have a "right" to it from his windfall. Seems he's in arrears but you have let that go each month that he is, so again, you can't insist now.

I am Shock that you have chosen to get pregnant when you have big debts and a shit relationship though.

Poolomoomon · 05/12/2014 14:47

His first thought when he received this money should have been "Right, I'll repay DW the £300." So yanbu to expect it from this windfall, what else is he going to spend it on? Frivolous shit for himself by any chance? Hmm

Another one surprised it's your DH though. Separate finances give me a migraine, don't know how you manage it especially with DC on the way! It's about to get a whole lot more complicated I feel. Good luck!