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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you ever notice people getting jealous of you and how does it make you feel?

60 replies

FThb · 05/12/2014 12:53

I'm friends with a woman who claims I'm one of her best friends but I notice a lot of things about her that upset me.

I find her going completely quiet and her eyes glazing over and staring when she sees something that I've done/made and once she nearly started to cry when id dressed dd up for a fancy dress at school.

A few examples:
She completely ignored the fact my dd had a main part in the school play. No congratulations or well done. Just completely ignored it. As a best friend, I would have expected her to at least say well done to dd.
This year her dd and mine have a similar part and she's all "well done" "congratulations" to dd.

I recently had a birthday party for dd and she came in to drop off her dd and didn't even comment on the decorating. Made the same quiet face. I had some names for an activity on the wall and she said "let's see who else you've invited then" and started reading all the invitees names and pondering if she knew their mothers. Hmm. Never mentioned the party again, didn't say whether her dd had fun or not. I know this sounds petty but everyone else seemed to be really complimenting everything, even out of kindness, but she never. I find it odd.

Like I mentioned earlier up she almost started to cry once when I'd dressed dd up on a school event.

All these situations have made me feel really shit tbh. Not because I'm fishing for compliments, but because I feel she thinks I'm a show off or something. As a friend I'd expect her to be happy for me/my children no matter what, and that's what I'm like with her. It seems I'm always supporting her, always saying well done to her children but when mine do well, her face glazes over and I can tell she's getting jealous.

OP posts:
Nelehwelly · 05/12/2014 13:30

To me, on the basis of what you've written, it does seem like you're overly dependant on her validation. So she didn't 'compliment' you on the decoration - maybe she thought it looked crap and thought it better to say nothing rather than lie, maybe she'd just had a huge row with her partner, mother, etc and wasn't in the mood to dole out platitudes. Maybe a thousands things, none of them due to envy of your superior decorating skills.

It's very odd that in situations where she's been quieter than you think appropriate when telling her about some fabulous aspect of your life you've thought about what the issue might be and concluded that she's jealous of you.

My friend's husband likes to talk at length about the wonderfulness of himself and his family. My default setting when he starts is quiet and glazed over. And trust me, the reason for that is definitely not jealousy.

jimineycrick3t · 05/12/2014 13:31

ok lets put a different spin on this.........

she may not be overly excited and crying because she can not do what you do.....she may of been up until 5am making the costume for her Dc and when up next to yours she was gutted because it was pants????

I've done that MANY times, put loads of effort into something to realize that it ain't as good as I thought and its really deflating TBH. I have in fact spent the whole of one concert thinking that my Dd was going to be laughed at because her costume was so awful!

I have a friend whose Dc always get lead roles in the school plays, to begin with it was great and I was excited for them but then it started to get a bit...well.... predictable and I'm not good at faking reactions like most. At the same time I was coming to terms with the fact that NONE of my Dc will ever get a speaking part let alone a lead part because they have varying difficulties which means they can't.

I suppose she could of said I was jealous, unsupportive etc (everyone seems to be quick to blame jealousy for everything) instead she asked me if I was ok and learned that I was disappointed with myself about the costume and heartbroken at the same time....my opinion of her/what she did/ or her Dc didn't even come into it and she was glad I had talked to someone about it.

Just goes to show how people can read into things differently.

Yes I agree that a firmer step would be the best way to go for your friend.

StripedOss · 05/12/2014 13:34

going around assuming people are jealous of you, and actually saying it.. makes you look very conceited.

The world does not revolve around you. Maybe she actually thinks you're just needy and is 'glazing over' because she's fed up of you trying to be the center of attention all the time?

Muppetsbitch · 05/12/2014 13:35

Have to agree that I would probably not notice kids party decorations. I doubt I would mention the part in a small play either unless it was a big thing in a theatre type affair rather than school hall just parents watching thing.

The fancy dress I probably wold usually comment on if particularly good but if my mum had beengivingme grief about how yours was better I would probably be tears and quiet in those circumstance too.

I agree with a previous person that said some people are more gushing than others. You are clearly a gusher, your friend isn't. If that is going to cause you upset constantly the time to consider the friendship as neither of you are likely to change fundamentally.

alwaysstaytoolong · 05/12/2014 13:37

You do sound like a 'show off' though so she may very well think that.

LumpenproletariatAndProud · 05/12/2014 13:40

Just reading your title is all about you, about how it makes you feel.

Riverland · 05/12/2014 13:40

OP, I know what you mean and really get where you are coming from. What you are saying makes sense.

She is withholding toward you, doesn't share your joys or acknowledge your efforts.

And so you're upset!

I've experienced this kind of stuff from family members, my mother always puts it down to jealousy, when she sees it, because she holds the overview of how those family members behave elsewhere.

Is your friend a bit withholding of positive responses toward others too?

Original poster
FThb · 05/12/2014 13:41

I think dropping a compliment here and there isn't gushing. Its being polite. If virtual strangers can do it then I'd sure expect it from a friend.

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 05/12/2014 13:42

Goodness you sound hard work demanding to be admired for rather mundane things.

Fudgeface123 · 05/12/2014 13:44

You asked if you were being unreasonable, the majority say you are. may I suggest you don't post in AIBU if you cannot take the responses.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/12/2014 13:44

But OP did n't it cross your mind that her crying when she saw your DD dressed up wasn't because she was jealous?

Did it cross our mind that it was nothing to do with you or your DD

Maybe you should be a bit more empathetic to her and less needy

Frusso · 05/12/2014 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2014 13:47

Jealous or 'bored shitless of having to compliment you on your brilliance'.

smokinggnu · 05/12/2014 13:47

Virtual strangers have little else to discuss with you, no reason to be hoping to discuss their own situation with you. Friends might be interested in a little depth.

whevs · 05/12/2014 13:50

It's uncomfortable when someone feels jealous of you- but it feels ten times worse to be the one who feels jealous. I've been on both sides and I'd rather be envied than envious (who wouldn't?). If she is jealous then poor her- compassion is in order.

Was your daughter happy with the party decorations/her outfit? Did YOU congratulate and celebrate with your daughter for her leading role? If that isn't enough then I would question for whom you are doing these things really.

Original poster
FThb · 05/12/2014 13:50

I feel I've been very empathetic to her over the years. I've sat through hours of giving her support and advice when she was a single mother because I felt sorry for her and felt she really needed a friend. I don't expect anything in return for all the time I gave her, but she can at least be polite once In a while.

If anything, the relationship I have with her is draining. I need to step back and I will make more of an effort to do this.

Thanks for getting me Riverland. I've noticed that if anyone does anything better than her, they get called all sorts of names. She throws the word "chav" around a lot. Makes me cringe.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 05/12/2014 13:51

My husband rarely compliments me, shall I dump him or should I grow the fuck up ?

KatelynB · 05/12/2014 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 05/12/2014 13:53

I can't believe the vile stuff people are saying on this thread. Seriously people, what is WRONG with you?

As someone (sane) said upthread, what you are feeling and espressing is someone deliberately withholding from you for whatever reason, and no, it isn't nice, and it isn't what friends do.

Trust your feelings about it and get new friends. And ignore the tossers telling you it's all you.

SaucyJack · 05/12/2014 13:57

You don't sound as tho you like each other very much.

Best forget this one.

KERALA1 · 05/12/2014 13:58

We had a lot of work done on the house it does now look stunning. Really stunning photographer friend wants to use it for shoots. We worked very hard for it and had 6 months of builders, no kitchen etc. am slightly embarrassed almost about how good it looks as am quite a low key person I hope. Design/colour etc all dh ideas anyway. Still one friend came over for the first time and didn't even mention it. Walked into the transformed downstairs not one word. Thought this was quite rude could never imagine doing the same to anyone least of all a friend.

animalsunited · 05/12/2014 14:01

'Performance Parenting' love that. It's a new phrase to describe a common evil!

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2014 14:03

Hully gully is right. #ashamed. I was guilty of projecting. I have a friend who is a terrible show off, I know my eyes glaze over when she talks sometimes, it horrifies me that she might think I was jealous! So, my apologies op, I was projecting my own life.

DoJo · 05/12/2014 14:03

I've sat through hours of giving her support and advice when she was a single mother because I felt sorry for her and felt she really needed a friend.

But do you actually like her? Giving her support because you feel sorry for her might be admirable, but it's not what I would call friendship, especially when it sounds like the overarching characteristics of this relationship are bad feeling, at least on your part. Perhaps she feels awkward to have needed you so much in the past and feels that she can't move past that while you are in her life. Maybe she is jealous of you, but I would have thought that the response of a friend would be to try and build her up and make her feel better about herself rather than being annoyed with her or feeling shit yourself - it just doesn't sound like a relationship between two people who like each other so much as one person who needed a friend and another who feels as though their support should be repaid in the form of compliments.
That's not to say that you are wrong to want your relationship with her to be more positive, but if that isn't an option then all you can do is knock it on the head and find friends who are more on your wavelength.