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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to assume responsbility for the 'female' jobs in our household (Christmas related)

73 replies

SandyDee81 · 04/12/2014 18:43

In most of the other couples I know the female seems to have assumed responsibility for buying gifts, writing and sending cards etc.
AIBU to think that if DH wants his 'half' of the family to get pressies, cards he should organise this himself?

I work full time (as does he) and I don't enjoy buying / wrapping / card writing any more of less than he does.

OP posts:

jimineycrick3t · 05/12/2014 12:26

Dad I honestly do not know any male in my family or friends who do it. It seems to be on par with the washing, cooking, cleaning, child care which is apparently a womans job

JohnCusacksWife · 05/12/2014 12:32

Dad, they are just about every man I know. There is not one single couple I know where the DH does any xmas shopping other than for his wife/partner. Only on MN have I ever heard of this you do your side/I'll do mine split - never in RL!

JohnCusacksWife · 05/12/2014 12:33

Sorry, I take that back slightly...some do buy for their kids but no-one beyond that.

AmberLav · 05/12/2014 12:33

I get mildly peeved when it is obvious that cousin's wife has done all their cards, and also writen his name first, as if he had bothered to do them himself...

Generally, he does his family, and I do mine... I tend to wrap the kids presents, and I tend to buy them all, but he does all the christmas day cooking! Most importantly he does all his own thank you cards!

JohnCusacksWife · 05/12/2014 12:35

Oh dear, hope my friends & relations aren't peeved to receive my cards! That's how I do mine...

weelittlething · 05/12/2014 12:39

I'm starting to think I might be ridiculously lucky - my DH and I both do our equal share of present buying and wrapping, and it's not a his family/my family split either. We come up with present ideas together, put together a list, and either get them together or get them when it's convenient for either of us, making sure to tell each other so we don't cross buy. That way we both seem to enjoy it and no one stresses out. It's actually the first time I've even heard about one person doing all the buying!

I do cook though.

stubbornstains · 05/12/2014 12:51

dadonice My dad. My brother.

This sparked an interesting conversation with DP (who of course buys presents for his own family ) about why I hate "couple gifts"- ie, "To Wendy, from Dave and Sheila". I hate this, because a) it seems to be an excuse to let the man of the couple off the hook, and b) it's bloody tough if you're a single person.

ie: Some Christmases ago, when I was a single, skint new mum, I spent ages making little home made food hampers for everyone- mum and dad, DB and DSil, etc, one for each individual. I got one present "from mum and dad", and some crap, supermarket afterthought from "DB and Sil" (obviously bought by Sil).

For this reason, I'm making DP buy my single auntie a separate present just from him, although he'll come in with me on my presents to DM and DDad. He has also informed me that the presents he buys for his family will be "from" the both of us.

(bit of a derail . Oh, the travails of a newly coupled up anti materialist feminist ).

HandbagCrazy · 05/12/2014 12:59

Reading this has just highlighted something I do that I never really noticed before - if cards are for my family then they have my name first, if they're DHs family I out his name first. No idea why I do that!

I know several couples who split present buying but my family have always had the women do it, but we all enjoy it. With most it others, nothing seems to even it up but they don't care. I'm just lucky that DH is happy to take the bits I don't like (cooking!)

Lasvegas · 05/12/2014 13:10

I am like you in terms of us both working. Without fail on Christmas eve he will say to me who did we send cards to? I say I sent them to my friends and my family, how about you?

This year our 11 year old did an impression of him asking the perennial question as we were doing some cards.

I do send to the neighbours though which technically are shared friends.

LiegeAndLief · 05/12/2014 13:18

For those of you who do all the card writing and shopping: how does it start? Presumably most men will have lived alone for a bit, they haven't moved straight from their mother in with you, so either they have done it themselves at some point, or they haven't being doing it and nobody made enough fuss for them to start.

So which is the first year you do it? Is it the first Christmas you are in a relationship? Or the first year you live together? Or the first year you are married? Does he say "Right love, from now on you're writing the Christmas cards for everyone" or do you just quietly get on with it and he assumes you've done it?

Genuinely curious as I just can't envisage how this situation arises. We are very much a do your own bloody cards household. If dh's mother doesn't get a birthday card it's nothing to do with me.

On the other hand, my mother is very much of the opinion that sending cards is women's work - my brother isn't married but I pity his (potential) future wife.

HenriettaTurkey · 05/12/2014 13:32

I find both scenarios sad tbh: in our household I tend to write the cards as I have legible handwriting! But DH and I select gifts together and wrap together. DH has gone out this pm to buy tree lights and I'll begin a card list, which he will add to later.

When you're married it seems odd to talk about 'my family' and 'your family'

Shouldn't it be a joint effort?

daisychainmail · 05/12/2014 13:49

Liege in our case it was because I start choosing cards/presents early (like early December) while my DH shows no sign of engaging. So I panic that his lot aren't going to get anything (heaven forfend if I left some of my side to him) and begin chivvying him. This isn't because I have a very close relationship with them but because I feel embarrassed somehow about the two worlds this creates (i.e. me with nice close family him with forgot to send SIL a card).

In past years he has waited until the last moment and then panicked, and either not sent things or, even worse, totally overspent panic-buying xmas eve presents that are way too big.

I won't completely go so far as to get his family the presents and wrap them, and to write the cards, but I anguish over him not having started and basically sit him down with the kit to make his situation respectable (here's laptop, buy the things, here's card, write it, etc).

daisychainmail · 05/12/2014 14:01

But I don't think I'm going to bother this year after reading this thread.

OOAOML · 05/12/2014 14:31

Henrietta I think the problem is in many cases it isn't a joint effort, it is the woman doing all cards and all presents.

I have to say, the older I get the less point I see in cards. I write on bits of card to people I probably haven't seen from one year to the next, and they send me back bits of card that I either leave in a pile or get annoyed with. I've cut down on the number I send, and they're mainly to aged relatives now. We used to get loads for the children from school, but this year the school has suggested that people bring in food bank donations instead which sounds a much better idea.

I certainly don't see the point in sending cards to distant relatives of my husband that I probably wouldn't recognise if I saw them in the street. Nor do I expect him to remember which of my aged aunties is which.

NeverFreezeLobsters · 05/12/2014 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worldgonecrazy · 05/12/2014 14:48

I put my foot down last year and DH didn't buy any presents for "his" side of the family. When MiL started to berate ME for not buying presents for HIS family, I politely stated that it wasn't my job to buy presents for his family, and if she had a problem with it, she should speak to him about it, not me.

daisychainmail · 05/12/2014 14:48

Those of you who each do your own sides/friends - do you write from you and your DP/H or just from you?

NeverFreezeLobsters · 05/12/2014 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

offtoseethewizard64 · 05/12/2014 15:07

For the 1st 16 years I was married to DH, he worked in a business where he virtually worked 7 days a week throughout December, usually finishing at about 7pm Christmas Eve, so I naturally took on all present buying/card writing for both of us (had no children for 1st 6 years and I worked M-F so was at a loose end at weekends anyway). Then DH changed jobs. His new job was very much M-F but he showed no interest in 'doing' things for Christmas, so I have slowly had to change that.
However, it is very slowly. Last night I showed him a lsit of people we usually send Christmas cards to in the hope of cutting it down - especially as there are people on there that he worked with 10 years ago and has had no contact with but for some bizarre reason he insists on sending cards to. He remarked how he always writes the card to his friend who lives abroad - ONE BLOODY CARD - and I get to write the other 40.
We did go shopping together at the weekend and chose some presents, but he failed to find anything for his Mum & Dad -who have everything they need and are late 80's so don't go out much. I have asked him 3 times since when I hav caught him tweeting and Facebooking in the evenings if he has found a gift for his parents yet. Reply "Not yet, I haven't had time" Looks like they'll be getting nothing this year then, which is a shame as they are lovely people but if their son can't be bothered to make the effort, why should I? I have already sourced a gift for FIL's 90th birthday in Jan so he could at least make the effort for Christmas.

I hate it all too - trying to buy presents for relatives we only see once or twice a year, most of whom earn more money than we do. But SIL says she loves buying gifts, so won't knock it on the head in favour of a donation to charity - which was suggested by other SIL a few years ago.

daisychainmail · 05/12/2014 15:09

That's exactly the same as my husband, tweeting and Facebooking but doesn't have time for present buying!!!

HazleNutt · 05/12/2014 15:16

YANBU. If the husband doesn't "do" presents, he probably didn't do them before you got married either, so nobody should be expecting any.

FinallyHere · 05/12/2014 15:17

Well, Id happily skip the whole thing, but DH loves Christmas. Fortunately, he also loves buying presents so i am happy to let him get on with it. I do enjoy wrapping 'em up, so i take charge of that side. All exquisitely wrapped in my colour scheme, which is green/gold and white, they look lovely under the tree.

Then, come Christmas, we slowly have to give most of them away in return for a jumble of multicoloured presents. Heartbreaking. I have been known to wrap empty boxes and keep really lovely boxes from previous years , to jeep under the tree.

Clarabell33 · 05/12/2014 15:31

DH has never asked me to, but as I'm more organised re Christmas than he is, and hate being roped in at the last minute when all my presents have been nicely wrapped for weeks, I started 'helping' DH with his family's gifts a few years ago. If I didn't buy for DH's side, he wouldn't sort it out til the very last second, and then would throw too much money at it to make it all go away. So my being involved (choosing, ordering/buying, wrapping) means we stick to some kind of budget, don't overspend hideously and I don't have a stressed, moany, procrastinating DH to put up with for weeks on end, and he owes me - favours, not money. He is quite likely to go do or help with something that I was going to do if he sees me doing 'his' Christmas shopping/wrapping. In any case, I don't mind it and quite like shopping for anyone, especially if it stops me buying stuff for myself!

Also, I think like many men I know DH has very limited headspace for certain types of things, so me taking over the present-buying for his side frees up his headspace to think about getting me something I really would like instead of a filler present. Not that this is remotely self-serving of me

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