to not want to assume responsbility for the 'female' jobs in our household (Christmas related)

[SandyDee81]

In most of the other couples I know the female seems to have assumed responsibility for buying gifts, writing and sending cards etc.
AIBU to think that if DH wants his 'half' of the family to get pressies, cards he should organise this himself?

I work full time (as does he) and I don't enjoy buying / wrapping / card writing any more of less than he does.

[ILovedYouYesterday]

I am with you, OP, in that I would opt out of Christmas completely if I could so, yep, DH is responsible for his side as I am not taking on any more than I absolutely have to. I make it all as easy and pain free on myself as I possibly can and hope to make it to new year with my sanity intact!

I think, if one person (male or female) genuinely loves everything there is to love about Christmas and is happy to do it all, then, in the context of an equal partnership, that's great too. In fact, I wish DH would sort out my side too but that's never going to happen!

I will happily add things for his family on an Amazon order if he tells me what to get - it's the thinking bit I won't do!

I am much, much better at wrapping than him and will do that for him if he asks nicely, brings me the stuff and makes me a cup of tea

[itispronouncedpenguin]

I very much doubt that a person wouldnt get their family anything just because their wife didn't do it

Say hello to my DH. He doesnt 'do' buying presents for his family so when I got fed up with it a few years back and stopped they just stopped getting cards/presents. He's 'far too busy' to spend his time buying things for others. I get the blame from his folks, now DC doesnt get anything from them and nor do we. But they are a family of arseholes.

[daisychainmail]

I currently buy for both sides or perhaps chivvy DH into paying for particular presents for his relatives which I have chosen. I don't know why I do it -- most of his relatives are shits and/or unpleasant. I think it's because I am very close to my family and like to buy them thoughtful gifts and find it excruciating that he might, without my intervention, end up not even sending his mum a card. Perhaps I need to stop trying to falsify a closeness in his family that matches mine?

[daisychainmail]

I should add that my DH always gets me very thoughtful presents, beautifully wrapped!!

[HandbagCrazy]

I do all presents and cards for both sides of our families because we've been together a long time and I see all of them as my family. DH hates writing cards and doesn't enjoy buying and wrapping gifts like I do.
The flip side of this is that DH does food shopping and cooking over Christmas. That sort of thing stresses me and I can't cope with the supermarket madness near Christmas.
I don't think either of us feel like we're getting a raw deal, but I think it's one of those situations where you do what is right for you. If you don't want to take charge of his side of the family then don't. He's a grown man, surely he can sort it?

[tinyshinyanddon]

Is it really that much work though? I've pared things down now we are all grownups and I am happy to arrange 1 hamper, 2 gift cards, 3 flower arrangements and 3 kids presents. All done online. Takes an hour. I've stopped sending Christmas cards - waste of paper, money, time.....

[minipie]

YANBU

I do my side, he does his. Aside from the fairness/sexism issue, he knows his side better so surely it's better that he thinks of what to get them?

Happily my side have all agreed to charity gifts so mine is way easier

I seem to have ended up in charge of DC presents though might have to rebalance that a bit so it's shared.

If I loved gift buying then I'd happily do both sides but I hate it (find it very stressful) so won't do more than I have to.

[Darkesteyes]

I find it incredibly disturbing that women are being blamed for mens behaviour .....oh wait this happens with other things too The only difference is that this is on a smaller scale.

[JohnCusacksWife]

I buy all presents and do all the cards. I don't necessarily enjoy it but can't get worked up about it as i know im better at it than him. My DH cooks Christmas dinner every year while I sit and drink fizz....so we're quits, I think.

[Bogeyface]

I was talking to mum about this earlier on the phone and she said that she was utterly sick of it when we were younger, but as many have said, felt she had to do it as it was expected of her and her PIL would judge her not Dad if she didnt.

Then she said something that really struck a chord. She said that if money was not an issue then she wouldnt have minded so much, she would have enjoyed going out and spending whatever it cost to get everyone a gift she knew they would love. But as they were on a budget she was expected to produce a fantastic gift on a tiny budget and thats what she hated.

I think I am the same. We are on a tight budget and its bad enough trying to stretch that to the kids and my family without having to think about how to stretch his share of the budget too! If I had a lottery winner type Xmas budget then I think I would cheerfully do all of the shopping as I wouldnt be comparing prices, trying to get the best deals on the 3 for 2s etc. Just seeing something I know my husband niece would love and being to able to buy it without a second though would be really enjoyable.

But until that day, he is on his own!

[blueshoes]

My dh assumes responsibility for the gifts and wrapping for the dcs as well as his family. He does not moan about it. He even wrapped my office secret santa gift.

[lauranorder50]

I agree with Bogeyface on this one. His family. He can sort presents and cards for them. I'm not getting involved. Why should I be worrying who gets what ? Although, what it actually boils down to is he sends a modest amount of Christmas money to his/our nephew and nieces via his sister's bank account. His sister and brother in law get a card. He gives a cash gift to his mother in her Christmas card.

I've got my side of the family to do. Although, that in turn is just a family hamper for DS & BIL & their two adult children all to share these days. I order my Dad's present from Marks and Spencer.

Well, OK, when I'm ordering the M&S hampers I order one for long standing friends of my husband's family while I'm about it. I also went to the post office and posted all the overseas cards for him as I was going to the post office with own Christmas cards too.

[Bogeyface]

Well, OK, when I'm ordering the M&S hampers I order one for long standing friends of my husband's family while I'm about it. I also went to the post office and posted all the overseas cards for him as I was going to the post office with own Christmas cards too.

Thats different though isnt it? Thats just doing what needs to be done by whoever happens to be able to do it. It would be a very petty person who said "No, I am posting MY cards, you have to post your own" necessitating 2 trips to the PO. Or refusing to order the same thing from the same website that you are on at that very moment!

I do all of the wrapping because I really like wrapping, its a nice relaxing activity that I can do with a bottle glass of Baileys on the go. If I hated it then we would do our own!

[however]

I've never done any of that stuff.

I do however, happily chase everyone out of the kitchen. I love cooking for people.

[kittykathat]

Yea he should do that himself

[daisychainmail]

What an enlightening thread! I'm going to stop worrying about my DH's side right now!!

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

I buy all the gifts, usually, as I am more organised than dh so tend to have it all done by the start of december. However, we plan together what to get people. And I might say "can you buy X or Y while you are in town today?"

[magpieginglebells]

I buy my family and my husband buys his, never considered taking over. Mil will tell me what fil wants though (passive aggression because how dare I let a poor man do some shopping)

[Chrysanthemum5]

I buy most of the presents, and wrap them because I enjoy it. DH does more than his fair share of the work involved in our house/family so I'm fine with getting the gifts. I also buy presents for DH and the DCs from my PIL because it helps them and I am happy to do that.

my PIL treat all their childrens partners equally to their own DC so it wouldn't occur to me to consider them as DH's family - they are my family now!

[loveareadingthanks]

I've always just done my side, they do their side (every relationship I've had).

I don't think that the woman doing it all is actually that common? At least, not those I know, and not most of the women on this thread.

If your DP thinks that's how it all works everywhere, it's a con, I tell you, don't fall for it :-)

[MimiSunshine]

I hate women who do it all and moan but then say ‘oh but i have to, they’d get nothing and i’d get the blame’. You just need to say once, sorry but i left it to DH and he couldn’t be bothered.
I have refused to join that martyr queue, i shop for my side and gift it from both of us, he buys for his side and just writes the person’s name on the wrapping paper (but at least he wraps them).

[loveareadingthanks]

'I cannot understand women who do all the card and present buying and then moan about it.'

'oh but i have to, they’d get nothing and i’d get the blame’. You just need to say once, sorry but i left it to DH and he couldn’t be bothered.'

yes yes yes yes yes.

you are not your husband's keeper. If he doesn't want to do presents or can't be bothered to do presents for his family, that's nothing to do with you, and you should refuse to listen to any blaming/guilt trips.

[jimineycrick3t]

YANBU, I delegated DH to the same thing a couple of years ago and he did OK but of course I would of done it a lot better

[DadOnIce]

Who the hell are these people who make their wives buy a card and present for their (i.e. the bloke's) own mother? Another of these things I only read about on here and never see in real life.

My mum would look at me like I'd gone mad if she thanked me for the lovely present and I said, "Oh, um, yes, DW picked it and wrapped it and sent it."