To think Dad should pay for Mum's funeral??

[Millie3030]

Hi ladies, I asked for practical funeral advice in money matters and they were very helpful, but now would like anyone with advice to help me with what to do about my dad and this situation.

My mum died on Tuesday morning, she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in May, she was 59 dad is 60. He became her career for the 8months so wasn't working. My mum received full pay for 6 months and half pay for the remaining 2, she had some savings and money in her account, not loads but I think about £500/1000. My DH saw a bank statement next to my dads computer a few months ago with nearly £2000 in it. He has now cleared my mums account and they are frozen.

They live in a 3 bed house roughly £220k and had about 15k left of mortgage. No credit cards or cars on finance.

Now dad is heavily hinting that he doesn't have money to pay for the funeral, my sister has now offered to pay some, she is single, no kids and earns a good wage. My auntie has felt guilty and offered £500, I said last night I don't have any money, to which he shouted said that he hadn't asked for any, but never thought about a funeral and made no plans financially. My dad flies off the handle at pretty much anything, we are all stressed obviously but he has a temper. He is also very secretive about money, he wants me to organise the funeral, and my sister to organise the wake and catering.

Should I offer to pay for some, I really don't have any money, I would have to get a loan. Have a toddler and a DH and we moved in July after scraping together a deposit for years and are mortgaged up to our eyeballs, and overdrawn. Do I get a loan or credit card to help him out???

Hi Op,

Sorry for your loss. Is your father in good health himself? If so, there is no reason for him not to go back out to work, after a mourning period of course. He has more than enough money to pay for a modest funeral. If this sounds harsh, I don't mean it to, but death is a fact of life and would have been covered by your Mum's estate if the accounts had been left alone. Please don't get into debt over this, it is not your issue to solve.

Has your father always acted like this? Or is he just now having outbursts?

Grief makes people really stupid. Really stupid. Your father has been taking care of her and going through a roller coaster the last 8 months. Planning the funeral and handing over money for it could be a way of finalizing her death, which he's not ready for yet. It also gives him a very convenient distraction, to avoid dealing with this.

I would let it go (for now) and not take his behavior personally. Don't cater to him, just treat it like a toddler's tantrum. Let him throw his fit and get back to him later without compromising.

But, don't put yourself in financial straits over this. She should have had life insurance or something else set up.

He is an adult, a poorly coping adult, but an adult nonetheless. He can get his own matters sorted. Not to be cold, but he's not helpless. He's inheriting everything from your mother, so that is enough to sort out even a small funeral.

Millie, you need to walk away from the money issue. That is for your father to deal with.

Whatever the reasons for your father's behaviour, he will be the one who the hospital/hospice/coroner's office will be contacting for the funeral arrangements. And they will know all about the various support services available, including financial support.

Your mum wouldn't want you to be in debt by helping paying for her funeral.

You are all right, I left it today to see if he would contact me, he didn't, so I will ring him tomorrow.
He is always like this to be honest, the situation with mum will not make it any better, but it's nothing new. He can't really talk about things logically or calmly, he shouts, causes a drama then sulks. He always has, not having mum around telling him to snap out of it is going to make our relationship strained, I can see it now.

Dad said neither of them have life insurance only accidental death. And the remaining amount on the mortgage, dad paid off with a loan, a couple of years ago, so he owns the house outright, but has a loan of either 14k or 17k depending on whether mum or dad is right.

Nervous about ringing him tomorrow, but I'm going to have to rip the plaster off and just do it and say, "have you managed to decide on a funeral director?" He will probably reply with "what do you care? Or what has it got to do with you?" Type response.