To think Dad should pay for Mum's funeral??

[Millie3030]

Hi ladies, I asked for practical funeral advice in money matters and they were very helpful, but now would like anyone with advice to help me with what to do about my dad and this situation.

My mum died on Tuesday morning, she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in May, she was 59 dad is 60. He became her career for the 8months so wasn't working. My mum received full pay for 6 months and half pay for the remaining 2, she had some savings and money in her account, not loads but I think about £500/1000. My DH saw a bank statement next to my dads computer a few months ago with nearly £2000 in it. He has now cleared my mums account and they are frozen.

They live in a 3 bed house roughly £220k and had about 15k left of mortgage. No credit cards or cars on finance.

Now dad is heavily hinting that he doesn't have money to pay for the funeral, my sister has now offered to pay some, she is single, no kids and earns a good wage. My auntie has felt guilty and offered £500, I said last night I don't have any money, to which he shouted said that he hadn't asked for any, but never thought about a funeral and made no plans financially. My dad flies off the handle at pretty much anything, we are all stressed obviously but he has a temper. He is also very secretive about money, he wants me to organise the funeral, and my sister to organise the wake and catering.

Should I offer to pay for some, I really don't have any money, I would have to get a loan. Have a toddler and a DH and we moved in July after scraping together a deposit for years and are mortgaged up to our eyeballs, and overdrawn. Do I get a loan or credit card to help him out???

[Topseyt]

He will have to pay eventually surely. I presume there is already a funeral director involved??? Whatever the situation, the funeral will need to be held within a reasonable time frame so he will come under pressure from various angles if he does nothing for too long, which could also ensure he incurs further unnecessary costs.

Hope you can talk him round soon.

[PestoStormissimos]

Leave it, it's his responsibility to sort out the funeral. The funeral directors will give advice & guidance.

[krystellie]

Sorry to hear about your loss. My father passed away last year so I know how hard it is and you certainly don't need this added worry.

Definitely do not get into debt. As mentioned by other people, the funeral costs will come out of the deceased's estate and funeral directors are usually very understanding with regards to payment issues. I would accompany your Dad to the meeting with the funeral director.

It sounds as though your Dad is not reacting well to to the loss (understandably) and this is why he's acting as he is. Just make sure you and your sister and aunts all come together at this difficult time.

[Slutbucket]

He gets a death grant and he may also get a widows-widowers allowance. The death grant was about 1800 pounds and my mum got about 150 per month for a year.

[JessieMcJessie]

Think we cross posted. If the death in service benefit is due I think that will be a benefit directly to your Dad and not part of the estate. However it would seem to be the right thing to do for him to pay the funeral since he will be receiving this money. Perhaps you need to move the conversation away from money and towards what your Mum deserves/would have wanted as a send off.

[Slutbucket]

Sorry for your loss. Things can get fraught when someone dies. My heart goes out to you.

[Millie3030]

How would it come out of the deceased estate unless dad sells the house? Her share of the house will go to him, and if he stays there indefinitely, it doesn't free any cash? Or am I missing something, sorry never had to think of this stuff before.

Do I say to dad "Dad, you are going to get mums share of the house, have any savings, or money in her accounts and will get her death in service shortly. You may also be able to apply for the bereavement fund as she was younger than her pension age, so that should be enough to sort it." Or is that really cold?

Difficult now that my sister has offered to help out and he made sure he 'mentioned' that to me. I said "you are making me feel guilty that I can't help" which set him off, I probably should have worded it better, because then he started yelling. I asked him why he was yelling and he said because "I wind him up". My auntie was sat with us at the time and styled with me afterwards, and said even she had felt obliged to offer to help.

[JessieMcJessie]

millie her bank accounts in her sole name are her estate.

[Mrscog]

I don't think you should get into debt for this. If you and your sister are expected to do food for the wake, could you offer to buy some of this, but explain that's the most you can do as you're in a difficult financial situation at the moment?

[Gruntfuttock]

Some people seem to have forgotten that the OP's dead will be grieving too. He's lost his wife as well as having cared for her for 8 months. I think I would do my utmost to overlook outbursts and just try to find out what help there is available to pay funeral costs. I think the funeral directors must be the best place to ask for advice.

[Summerisle1]

I'm sorry about your loss. I also agree that the cost of your mum's funeral shouldn't fall on everyone else in the family if she had savings and a death in service grant. Funeral directors are quite used to dealing with the immediacy of a funeral while an estate is being settled. They won't refuse to bury someone simply because they aren't greeted with a bundle of cash.

I'm assuming that your dad really isn't thinking straight right now since your mum died so recently. But it'd certainly help if he was prepared to tackle the reality of paying for her funeral given that it sounds as if your mum took care to transfer her money to him before she died.

It's not at all unreasonable for you to say that you simply don't have the money to contribute to the cost of the funeral. But tell your father that this doesn't mean you can't help him through the practicalities in a calm and sensible way. It's not at all cold to say Dad, you are going to get mums share of the house, have any savings, or money in her accounts and will get her death in service shortly. You may also be able to apply for the bereavement fund as she was younger than her pension age, so that should be enough to sort it. Instead, it's a really caring way to take this difficult situation forwards.

[AmyMumsnet]

Hi Millie, we're so sorry for your loss.

As always, we do advise all our members to be aware that not everyone on t'internet is who they say they are, and that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Wishing you all the best

[Millie3030]

Her bank accounts are now empty, she had a normal wages account and an ISA, dad emptied and closed them 1/2 months ago, he told me. But I don't think there was much in there, but would never know.

I have offered to write the eulogy, design the order of service, make little posies for everyone to throw on the coffin, and get photos of mum to put in a frame for the wake. I made the appointment for the registering the death, and went with dad, slept next to her in the hospice and held her hand when she died on my own, rung for funeral quotes, printed the bereavement form, got my friends to cook pies and stews for my dads freezer so he has proper food. And now this has bloody tarnished everything and I feel guilty because I don't have £1000 sitting in the bank. It's so shit!!!

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi Millie

So sorry for your loss

Just a quick point was your mum on the mortgage? If she was the. Her life insurance that's tied to it would pay it off in the event of her passing, unless I'm wrong on this point.

[maleenteringfemalefacilities]

It's also likely that there may have been a life assurance policy in place on your mother's life in respect of the mortgage, and this should pay it off (here in Ireland it is a legal requirement that there is lifecover in place on the mortgage on your home).

If that's the case, there may be some excess on the policy which will then go to your mother's estate.

[BringMeTea]

So sorry for your loss. You really don't need this stress. I think your dad is being unreasonable even allowing for his grief. Please don't get a loan. I hope this is resolved quickly and wishing you strength for the coming weeks.

[MinceSpy]

Millie if there is a will there has to be an executor which may be your father. The executor's first duty is to pay for the funeral out of the estate and any other outstanding bills and then the remainder goes to the beneficiary. Dad is responsible to the funeral. There is no reason why he can't apply for the funeral grant though if Mum left a lot of money he will have to pay it back.

Your family are coming to terms with the loss of your mum even though it wasn't unexpected it can still be an awful shock and can affect people in many ways.

[Gruntfuttock]

I meant OP's dad not 'dead' ^

[PomPomPingPong]

When my husband died he was under the state pension age.
The funeral director advised me to apply for the Bereavement Payment.
I received £2000.

[MiddleAgedandConfused]

Good point Maleen - we have life insurance on our mortgage too because it was compulsory.

Millie - keep your calm and don't be drawn into discussions with him. Just keep repeating "I'm sorry - I can't afford to help."
I would not discuss his finances with him - just to stick to your guns. If you don't have the money, you don't have it.
But keep offering to help in other ways.
Loads of families have bust-ups following a death - it is such a stressful time. You are not alone.

[cozietoesie]

Her Death in Service payment from her former employer should pay for her funeral - and then some. Do not go into debt to pay for it yourself. He's just trying to guilt you for some reason.

[MehsMum]

I probably should have worded it better, because then he started yelling
I think he sounds like the sort of person who would have yelled however you had worded it and you don't need to feel guilty.

If you can't afford to pay anything, your father should understand that. You have no need to go into debt over this: it sounds as if he will have enough in the bank to pay the funeral costs.

[LegoAdventCalendar]

Don't get a loan. He has the money.

[WooWooOwl]

I was going to say the same as PomPom. I got £2000 when my DH died as well, it was very easy to apply for and not means tested. The information about it was in a booklet I was given at the register office.

[Musicaltheatremum]

I got it too, bereavement allowance. £2000 and it is tax free. It's a shame that he cleared the bank accounts when he did. He could have left enough money for the funeral in there. But he was losing your mum and grieving and your brain doesn't work well in those situations. Get the forms for the bereavement allowance the sooner you send it off the sooner you will get it. The help line is answered very quickly (about the only department in government that does).