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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More of a WWYD...homeless man living in mums shed

119 replies

ClashCityRocker · 03/12/2014 22:30

First time I've posted in AIBU.

My mum lives in a block of flats.

She rang me earlier this evening in a bit of a state. She does have anxiety issues and tends to panic about things.

She lives in a block of flats. Each flat has an 'indoor' shed, like a coal shed, by the front door, and also an outside shed that funds adjacent to the block of flats.

She doesn't really use the outside shed, mainly because there has been a lot of break-ins in the area, and in particular around where she lives.

This morning, she was looking out the windows and saw a man come out of the shed. She went down to investigate and the lock had been broken (it's a latch with a padlock on it) and there was a load of cardboard, a sleeping bag and a couple of blankets in it, plus a bit of rubbish (empty food packages etc) that hadn't been there before. She hasn't seen him come back yet but has been keeping an eye out.

She's fuming. I can't really see the harm, other than the broken lock, and to be honest, if all he's got to keep him warm on a cold winters night is an empty shed, he's welcome to it...but it's not my shed and I don't know if I'd feel different if it was. She won't confront him...she does have anxiety and other mental health issues and is really not good at dealing with things and is tying herself in knots about it. She wants me to do something about it, but what?

I think she'd like me to 'just get rid of him', but I really do think it's too harsh and she shouldn't begrudge someone a bit of shelter...

So as not to drip feed, she does require a lot of day to day support doing things - for example, I have to make sure her bills are paid (with her money) and that foods in and deal with things that come up in general...she struggles a bit but I love her dearly,

Just not sure how to handle this in the best way...

OP posts:

NewNamePlease · 03/12/2014 23:52

I love a thread like this with everyone saying they'd cook him some soup and give him a duvet. Really? Is this the same mumsnet that refuses to open their front door or phone after 7:30pm?

I've spent time working with homeless people. If they are willing to break into someone else's property you can damn well say they'd sell any possessions they find in it. And as someone above has said it's better for him to get help or are you all committing to feeding him every day?

HumblePieMonster · 03/12/2014 23:54

is your mum responsible for the state of the shed? for replacing broken locks, for cleaning away any excrement left behind? is she, in fact, according to her tenancy agreement or lease actually responsible for not allowing strangers to take over (even a small) part of the building? what if he's cold enough to decide to build a fire in 'his' coal-shed?

this isn't a bleeding hearts 'oh the poor man is cold' issue, its a business matter. your mother's position needs to be protected.

if there is a landlord, get his/their help with this. otherwise, tell the police. approaching the man isn't a good idea, as you do not know anything about his background or his mental health.

Imgoingdeeperunderground · 03/12/2014 23:55

I would discretely leave a few fleece blankets in there for him and just make sure your mum is safe and well and that he cannot access her building. Other than that, a little humanity goes a long way. I wish I could deliver tee blankets myself after reading your post. But definitely try to ascertain whether or not he is a harmless person or has issues that would require intervention.

53Dragon · 03/12/2014 23:56

Come on people get real - there are loads of reasons why this man should not be in the shed! Better to contact your local council's homelessness team. Win win - the guy will get proper help eg a bed at an emergency shelter and some hot food and your aged mother won't have to fret about someone breaking into her shed. My mum is 80 and she'd be scared by something like this.

justmuddlingalong · 03/12/2014 23:57

You worked with homeless people, Newname? Were they all burglars/rapists/murderers? I think you should stick to something like serving tea in the WRVS with that attitude.

NewNamePlease · 04/12/2014 00:04

No they weren't muddling but they also weren't hiding in someone's shed. And I did a darn sight more than serve bloody tea.
I'm sure imgoingdeeper that there are plenty of homeless people near you that you could deliver blankets to if you really mean that

NewNamePlease · 04/12/2014 00:07

You do see it quite often on those police shows. A known offender has been found to be doing something naughty but they know the police know where they are so they hide out somewhere. They found a man hiding in a big industrial wheelie bin once. When I said he could be a criminal I never ment he must be a criminal because he is homeless.

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 00:10

Food, blankets, possibly a change of clothes/toiletries in the first instance - yes, a bit of humanity goes a long way.

But then I'd be in touch with the council etc to get him some help. I'm sure they're really busy, and I'd want him to be fed and as warm and comfortable as possible in the meantime.

Bulbasaur · 04/12/2014 00:12

I've worked with homeless people too, and I agree. The harmless ones don't break and enter, they sleep on park benches or shelters. Spend the night in a homeless shelter sometime. There is a lot of theft, rape, and assaults that goes on in them.

So don't be naive in thinking that homeless people are just meek little lambs hard on their luck. They are there from a string of bad choices, mental health, or drug addiction.

DO. NOT. APPROACH. HIM.

Anyone that is claiming they would go out to a secluded shed by themselves (or even their DP) to approach him, is setting themselves up to be an assault victim. They're being stupid, and frankly irresponsible to advise this.

Yes, he needs help, but you cannot save him by yourself. He has a multifaceted problem that isn't a quick fix, and letting him sleep in a shed is doing him no favors.

The next problem is, even if he were a saint, if you take care of him, you are just making him dependent on you. You are crippling him with kindness, and you're doing it for your own selfish reasons of making yourselves feel good.

Help people, sure. But don't be so fucking stupid about it.

BigRedBall · 04/12/2014 00:13

Haha! Only on MN would people be cosying up telling each other stories of how they would let a homeless stranger break into their shed and live in it whilst being provided warm soup and extra blankets and an electric heater, TV, phone, iPad etc .

He's broken into a shed. He's trespassing. He's a stranger. Why on earth would your mil welcome him with open arms? She needs to phone up the police/council and have him removed for breaking and entering.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 04/12/2014 00:19

Honestly, if I was in an upstairs flat & the shed was in a communal area downstairs (so nothing especially linking it my flat) and I wasn't using it, I wouldn't do anything about it.

At first I thought you meant a shed within the fenced off garden of a house/bungalow. That, to me, would be a much higher security risk & worthy of asking the Police for advice.

Bulbasaur · 04/12/2014 00:23

Only on MN would people be cosying up telling each other stories of how they would let a homeless stranger break into their shed and live in it whilst being provided warm soup and extra blankets and an electric heater, TV, phone, iPad etc

It's a nice sentiment. Most people would want to do that, and that's nice. There's lots of charities collecting coats and blankets for winter. Their donations would be more useful there.

But the danger is they all have "Les Miserables" in their head, where an act of kindness transforms the heart and mind of a homeless criminal. That is not the typical case, that's not even a common case. These aren't walking Jean Valjean's out there.

But you know, most people here like to think they'd open their arms to a DV victim that was a stranger and let them stay in their house. Until you know, you learn the hard way how much of a nightmare people with issues are to personally live with when you have no training to handle them.

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 00:27

What sort of time frame would it be between making the call to the council etc and him being helped? I'm afraid I havent a clue......would be helpful to know

sykadelic · 04/12/2014 00:48

It doesn't really matter what we would do, it matters what your mother wants. You said she has anxiety issues. I'm sure having this strange man in her shed is hardly helping with those issues. It is better for her health that you have the man removed.

I certainly can't imagine someone just randomly breaking into a shed and thinking "oh this place that I've just come across for the first time is completely empty and no-one will bother me" so he (or someone else) has probably been checking the place out for a while. She doesn't want her property to become a known half-way place, it's not safe for her.

I agree with others that if renting I would contact the property manager to deal with it. If she owns the property, I'd contact some sort of charity organisation or police and I'd keep her name out of it so it doesn't backfire.

Then I'd sort out securing it better.

ilovesooty · 04/12/2014 00:52

There will be someone in your area who supports rough sleepers. He may not want a hostel place - not all homeless people do.

Tiptops · 04/12/2014 03:07

I really think you need to act on this OP. Your mother must be your priority, and it sounds like this is the last thing she needs to worry about considering her existing MH issues.

MrsMarcJacobs · 04/12/2014 03:25

no don't think your mother is being uncaring at all. you mentioned that she has anxiety issues which probably leave her feeling vulnerable and exposed - this man is not helping the situation. I have worked briefly in a shelter and the reason we found a lot of people didn't want to come in is because they are using drugs and alcohol and that was not allowed at the shelter. I would not be comfortable with a stranger living in my garden. he is a risk to your mums security and it is possible he has mental issues of his own which may cause him to be irrational when approached. your duty is to protect her in this situation.

Nandocushion · 04/12/2014 03:26

I'm baffled by this thread. Do all these people saying "oh, let him stay, take him some nice soup and a blankie" have a shed on their own property? Would they be happy for a stranger to break into a shed in their back yard and set up home in it? Really?

I live in the US and people's attitudes towards the poor and homeless here are frankly shocking, even the apparently liberal, Democrat types, and I do find myself wanting to shake them sometimes when I hear them blaming people for merely being poor/having MH issues/etc. But I'm surprised to hear that anyone anywhere thinks private property should be a free-for-all for anyone who fancies it, or that anyone thinks giving a homeless squatter a pair of socks and a sandwich is being helpful. As a PP said, it certainly makes you feel better, but it does nothing to help the homeless person in any meaningful way.

OP, speak to the landlord and/or the relevant authorities (shelter? charity?) in the area. Your mum should not have to live with this.

menolly · 04/12/2014 03:30

Wow people have some nice fluffy views of homeless people on this thread.

I've name-changed for this for obvious reasons but I've been homeless and yeah there are people who are just very unfortunate with no drug or alcohol issues and who just need a little help to get back on their feet or who are there because its a better option than something they were facing at home but there are an awful lot more who are there due to drugs, alcohol, bad choices, they've been in prison or because their partners finally managed to get a restraining order. Then there are those who ended up on the streets through absolutely no fault of their on but start to make bad decisions and fall in with the wrong crowd because its easy to lose site of right and wrong when you feel lost and hard done by and it's easy to forget about consequences when you feel like you have absolutely nothing left to lose. There is also the issue that whilst he might well be a completely harmless man down on his luck, once it has got out that there's a dry shed that no one checks and he moves on you will get the drug addicts and the alcoholics and the prostitutes using it.

Many of the people who are just nice people who are down on their luck are there because they simply don't know where to get help or they are too proud or scared to ask, so reporting them gets them on the radar and gets them help, I'd run away because I was being abused and was running away from my issues, I felt I couldn't ask for help. The ones who are homeless for other reasons are often dangerous, violent and unpredictable and going out to an isolated shed to talk to them would be really stupid.

I agree with pp DO NOT APPROACH HIM

Not all homeless people are drug addicts, muggers, rapists or murderers but some are and you can't always tell until its too late. There was a homeless guy named Phil who i knew when i was on the streets, he seemed like a normal, harmless young man who was just a bit down on his luck after his mum kicked him out, I spent hours talking to him and thought he was a decent person, right up until he was arrested for murdering a 17 year old girl.

Doingakatereddy · 04/12/2014 05:44

Your Mum lives alone, is upset & he is breaking and entering.

Enough hand wringing, call the police and let them deal with it. If he's harmless they'll signpost him to relevant service after a caution, if he's got form / outstanding warrants they will detain him.

This is not the time for homemade bloody soup

BMW6 · 04/12/2014 07:19

Well said menony- it is a reality check to get the perspective of someone who has actually "been there".

financialwizard · 04/12/2014 07:29

I'd also be taking blankets and non perishable food and maybe trying to talk to him. Poor guy.

NotSayingImBatman · 04/12/2014 07:40

Why is she fuming? Sorry but your mum sounds very uncaring.

No she doesn't. She sounds like a vulnerable older lady, living alone and frightened of the strange man in her she'd.

NotSayingImBatman · 04/12/2014 07:40

*shed

Original poster

ClashCityRocker · 04/12/2014 07:47

Mum owns the flat, but its in a mixed block and I think she is responsible for maintenance of the shed.

I'm going to ring shelter, I think, and see if there are any homeless charities that can deal with him. Mums text me to say she thinks he's slept there again tonight.

OP posts:

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