Aibu to think mufti day is only allowed because it makes schools money

[Catwomum36]

Ds and dd have mufti on Friday and as with every year they get picked on for not having hollister or superdry or addidas trainers.

Me and dh both earn under £15,000 and dc's go to school in a wealthy area. The dc's friends all live in private homes, in areas with prices £225,000 and £260,000 (the upmarket end of town). We have a council flat. Dc's friends all get iPhones, iPads, iPods, iMacs and ps4 for Xmas or birthday. They all have branded clothes.

Last mufti ds was teased because he had ankle swingers and tatty clothes. Me and dh just can't afford to my new ones even from supermarket.

I feel like I've let my children down because I can't buy them things their friends have. But Aibu to think schools just allow mufti because it makes them money.

I feel of you OP, and your children.

However I think you need to take the bull by the horns. There is no escaping the fact that fashion is important to teenagers. Not necessarily branded, but certainly clothes that at least fit.

You and your DH are both in employment. Even if times are very tough, could not not set aside a little bit every week, and save up enough to by some decent clothing on ebay? That fits, and that they like? It's going to take effort, but will mean that when the next mufti comes around, your kids go in to school with their head held high.

It is easy to fall into the trap of feeling that 'everyone' is better off than you - I guarantee that there are other DC at the school whose parents earn the same/are worse off than you. Seems to me the problem is with the so-called 'friendship' group. Why would your DC want to be friends with such unpleasant children? I'd be complaining loudly about the bullying behaviour and encouraging my DC to make friends who are kind and a bit less superficial. Is there an anti-bullying group at the school? I like Firstofhername's suggestion, that's brilliant.

Most clothes do fit them but are a bit tatty. We really can not even afford we are usually one or two pounds overdrawn every month.

Is there anything you can sacrifice for a couple of months, in order to save the money?

To have one decent outfit, as a teenager, that's important.

Dc's friends are really nice people the uber cool group are not dc's friends. Dc's friends do not look down on ds

It's pretty shit if the school has a culture of picking on kids because of brand labels. I would talk to the Head of Year about it.
People shouldn't have to avoid good schools because wealthier children are allowed to get away with bullying!
And the school should be dealing with bullying.
And the parents of such children ashamed of themselves!

It doesn't have to happen. DS went to a primary with no uniform and there were no clothing issues, everyone wore normal clothes and made no fuss, because it was usual. Secondary is a very mixed school, huge diversity of demography and no-one gets hung up on labels. The problem with a one-off 'mufti' day is that it becomes a big focus to show off and get hyper and excited about clothes.

The school should clamp down and anyone making comments about anyone else's clothes should be made to change straight back into uniform!

What's an ankle swinger?! I assumed they were jeans that were short.

The fashion amongst teenagers is to wear skinny jeans (often with a hoody and canvas shoes). Ankle-swingers are wide-legged jeans.

It's that uber cool group that are so snobbish they make everyone feel inferior.

Start keeping a track on your outgoings. Write down every single penny. Find out where your money is going to stop you going OD every month. On over 1800 a month, you shouldn't be walking around in tatty clothes. Not talking brands and designers, just clothing that fits.

Ankle swingers here are clothes that go above the ankles in a too small way.

And op if your dc's are getting teased, it needs flagging.

My DS (in reception class) had a mufti day for Children in Need - money went to charity. Had two mufti days for these special sports days they do (no donation needed), then three weeks where every Friday is mufti and money goes to school. He only started in September and has already had 6 mufti days!!!!!!!

Perhaps the school should ban branded clothing, it's fucking pathetic anyway, spoilt little shitheads.

I am shocked that somebody would call children spoilt little shitheads. The group teasing OPs son are certainly behaving in an unpleasant way but I still don't think it is right to call them names.

What do your children wear at weekends or holidays? I'm not saying they should have branded stuff but you say you each earn under 15k, combined that's over 20? Feeding and clothing your children should be the bare minimum so if you are unable to clothe them in clothes that aren't ill fitting or tatty something needs to change. Perhaps a food bank for a couple of weeks so you can get dc clothes? Or join Free cycle. Christians against poverty may also be able to help and advise. It's free and I've heard it's really good.

Perhaps that was a bit harsh but they're not children they're young people who are old enough to know better, bullying and calling other children tramps is disgusting and they need taking down a peg or two.

It's beyond unpleasant, unpleasant is not saying thank you to the dinner lady, making other pupils lives a misery to where they don't want to participate in mufti day is spiteful, malicious and bullying.

They are children. They are school aged children. I have been the child who had nothing decent to wear on mufti days and lots of teasing went on but I still don't agree with adults resorting to name calling children.
Having been the child who doesn't have decent clothes and only gets a token less than a tenner present at Xmas I really feel for OPs children. School is a harsh experience for teenagers who don't have what everyone else has.
OP: are you entitled to any benefits and if so are you claiming them?
Could you look on gumtree or ebay for some suitable clothing bundles?

Even if the other pupils were not being spiteful and malicious the chances are that OPs children would still not want to participate in mufti days because teenagers are very image conscious and most teenagers don't want to wear ill fitting tatty clothes because it makes them feel uneasy and self conscious. None of that excuses the bullying but OP does need to address the clothing issue. I'm not sure what she can do though as she doesn't have any spare money.

Just realised you've said your income. I assume you also get tax credits and child benefit? I've just gone back to work but previously lived off dh's salary which is similar to your combined income. My 3dc have never not had clothes. Some relatives give clothes as a birthday gift to dc too. Don't get me wrong there is never any money to put in savings but mortgage is 800 a month. I'm not trying to be patronising but worry I may come off that way. I'm just thinking it might be an idea to look at finances... Sometimes loans are cheaper than credit cards (through a reputable lender).
re branded clothes - teach your kids some quick and quirky responses. I don't dress mine in branded and dread the day they ask. I always liked a more unique look as a teen.
re nasty comments. Kids can be really mean. You can flag it up at school but in honesty the same nasty kids will be teasing kids for have spots, being too tall, too short, fat, thin. You name it they'll find something. Looking back at my school days fb has been fab as I know how rubbish the school bullies lives are as adults although that doesn't help your dc now.
Maybe they can get Saturday jobs when old enough?

I agree the clothing issue needs addressing, clothing that fits is a fairly basic need. As I say the wording was harsh I would never actually say that to somebody but I do think there comes an age where children young people need to take some responsibility for their own actions.

I've been through the hell that is secondary school, some of these kids are so ridiculously over indulged that they become hideous people, but then you have the other end of the scale.

You do know that snobbishness and shallow attention to labels (form over function) is just a sign of desperately trying? Pandering to it will do nobody's self esteem any good.
My mum always used to tell me she'd wear (or buy) labels when the companies paid her for being a walking advert

Just asked my teens if anyone is teased at their school for not wearing labels, (we are comfortably off but my kids wear Primark and H&M). DD just laughed and said anyone wearing Hollister would be the one getting stick at her school.

There is something seriously wrong with a school where that sort of bullying culture goes unchallenged.

Well my teen DD spent the summer trying to explain to her younger DD why she wouldn't want to be part of "the populars". Her nice nerdy friends are kind and supportive, and you don't have to keep proving yourself. Who cares what the Ubercool group think?
Teach your kids to say "So what?"

But do make sure you are claiming all you can, make the most of sales etc.

We Iive in a affulent area and we are not wealthy. The majority of children do not wear designer clothes. Ds likes to look fashionable but he has no interest at all in designer labels . Recently one of ds classmates laughed at his footy boots because they were " so last season", ds put him in his place and told him that he was pleased they were only last season as they had been handed down 3 or 4 cousins before he got them.

I think it is important that your son does not look out of place but that doesn't mean he has to wear designer labels. Primark and Tesco stock fashionable clothes.

If you are on Facebook check out your local selling pages there are often some bargains to be found.

The thing is if it's not wearing branded clothes it'll be something else - children can always find a way to make someone else feel an inch high.
YABU about the money, schools have to find different ways to top up funds and unfortunately it usually means stinging parents on a semi regular basis. YANBU about the label clothes but it's always been the way to some extent I think.
Charity shops are your friend in this case, more affluent areas can be a gold mine for picking up good clothes at ridiculously cheap prices - DS went for his last mufti day in bench jeans and a Nike hoodie - cost just less than £8 for the full outfit thanks to our local charity shop. Work out where they are and try to go at least once a week.

"Just asked my teens if anyone is teased at their school for not wearing labels, (we are comfortably off but my kids wear Primark and H&M). DD just laughed and said anyone wearing Hollister would be the one getting stick at her school."

Same at DD's school.
The snobbish children just sound awful, and they would probably find something else to deride if it wasn't clothes.

OP, I don't know where you are in Northumberland, but Ashington seems to have more charity shops than anywhere else I have visited. There are loads in Morpeth as well.