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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he should have dealt with this

60 replies

belle1974 · 03/12/2014 14:37

Background We have 2 primary aged boys 10 and 8. 8 year old mild sen. We also have a 2 year old dd who doesn't go to childcare. I am seasonal self employed but will probably work on average 10 hours per week during the busy Christmas period. Much of this is done whilst looking after toddler although dh has her at weekend events.
Dh works long hours. 6.30 to 7pm including commute on average Monday to Friday. Because of this he doesn't do more than the odd club pick up during the week. I do virtually all the childcare unless physically not there. (even weekends. he changed the odd nappy but thats it) He may cook one meal at the weekend and might wash up once a month on average. I do and indeed have always done all night wakings even if I am working next day. dd still breastfed.
He in theory does garden and diy but he hasn't had much to do recently. He also does finances and occassionally takes rubbish out. I maybe do 90 per cent and he does 10.
I deal with all school stuff, medical, dental etc
So dh had a day off work Friday to go to an exhibition. He was home quite early but still did very little except one school and one club run. Saturday he was out all day doing a hobby. I was at home with dc and sadly discovered one of our guinea pigs had died. I dealt with informing dc which was especially hard for middle child. Dh came home so I warned him not to make a fuss as dc upset. He moaned that he wasn't going to bury him as he didn't want to risk digging up other pets.
So Sunday was spent with me handwashing uniforms (washing machine broken and awaiting replacement) and doing general house stuff. Dh didn't do much apart from tidying up some of his stuff. I went out for the afternoon with oldest so dh had youngest 2 for a few hours.
So come Monday I go to feed guinea pig and find it still dead in the cage.
Aibu to think he should have dealt with this at least.
I haven't spoken to him yet as I was working last night.
sorry long and ranty

OP posts:
Original poster
belle1974 · 03/12/2014 17:55

They have beenfed daily by me. See my update. We have a double cage which I closed off segregating it and covered it up quickly before rushing inside as I could hear toddler crying.

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Original poster
belle1974 · 03/12/2014 17:58

I didn't look in that cage Sunday as was in a rush. Noticed Monday though as had more time.

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Original poster
belle1974 · 03/12/2014 17:59

sorry

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velvetspoon · 03/12/2014 18:18

Surely the simple answer is you get a job where you're spending also 12.5 hours a day working/commuting and then split the chores equally? Seems fair to me.

Alternatively if you'd rather be at home while your DH works 9 times longer than you, and presumably earns significantly more, it seems only fair you do the lion's share of the work.

I've had similar working hours to your Dh, and at that time did virtually nothing in the week, and spent most of every other weekend asleep. Long working hours and a long commute is exhausting.

SnowSpot · 03/12/2014 18:30

Sorry to give you a hard time there, your explanation seems much more reasonable now! I honestly thought you left some poor GP out in it's hutch with it's dead mate for a couple of days (which you kind of did, but as it was separated off it's not as bad.)

Look, GPs are really rubbish pets. (I know, I have two who live in the house with us and I am amazed anew by how rubbish they are. I do adore them though - squeaking little bastards Grin). I think that there is an element of 'out of sight, out of mind' with them if they live outdoors. Perhaps they aren't the best fit as pets for your family?

I do understand though about not wanting to deal with dead things. We had a chipmunk dead on our porch for a couple of days during the summer as I waited for DH to get back from a work trip!

Original poster
belle1974 · 03/12/2014 18:37

I know I have done it pre dc I have recently started exploring back to work options but it will only add to my stress because he will still do the long days. He is not going to go for an easier job just because I am working. Especially when the household income will hardly increase after paying for childcare. I will still end up doing all the pick ups etc and if he is too tired now to wash up or do do bedtime or take his glass into kitchen he won't suddenly get the energy because I am back at work full time.

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SnowSpot · 03/12/2014 18:42

Definitely think you need to talk to DH about separation of chores. Personally, I am a little old-fashioned in feeling that the person looking after the kids full-time really has to take on most of the chores - but it doesn't mean to say that they can't moan about it sometimes! That doesn't mean to say the other one can't get away with doing nothing, but your DHs long hours need taking into account.

Perhaps it might not be the best thing to replace your GP in view of how busy you both are. Or trying to make sure your DCs are pulling their weight with chores and that you aren't a dogsbody. My DD is in charge of our GPs - feeding, changing water, bedding etc. and she is the same age as your DCs.

Original poster
belle1974 · 03/12/2014 19:34

tbf I am cross with dc too as they are suppossed to do it but invariably they forget and I have to keep on asking them to do it and no they won't be getting replacements. During the week I am happy to do it all but weekends are getting to me. I am working both days this weekend yet I will still do the night wakings if any and will probably end up loading car with dc under my feet whilst dh gets his lie ins x 2

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Original poster
belle1974 · 03/12/2014 19:38

well dh had just returned from his conference (jolly)and asked me if I had sorted guinea pig out. He really doesn't seem to think he has any responsibilty over and above working.

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SnowSpot · 03/12/2014 19:40

Whoa whoa whoa - he NEVER lets you have a lie-in? I, personally, think lie-ins are to be shared. Have a mutiny on Sat and stay in bed till 9!

As for the GPs, I can see how they end up getting neglected by kids. I was a crap owner of a rabbit when I was a child, but I was a good owner of a cat at the same time (as you couldn't escape it if it wanted food). I agree that replacing the GP is not a good idea.

My own GPs sit in our kitchen squeaking away the whole time, so they'd be difficult to forget about ! I swear I swear at them 100+ times a day.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 03/12/2014 19:42

We'll it's not about the guinea pigs, that's for sure.

Original poster
belle1974 · 03/12/2014 19:47

He works on the basis that because he is up before me mon to friday that he needs lie in more than me. If he lacks sleep he could crash car. Hence why he hasn't done any night wakings since middle one was small.

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Original poster
belle1974 · 03/12/2014 19:49

I think it was the last straw.

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SnowSpot · 03/12/2014 20:00

Kind of think the night wakings are fair enough.
But what about letting you have a lie-in every couple of weeks? My DH used to work 6.30-7.30 (including commute) at hospital, and we still split the lie-ins. Sitting on the couch with the kids watching Wreck It Ralph at 7am wouldn't kill him occasionally.

Don't worry, when your youngest goes to school it will be easier. I know for a while I felt incredibly stretched thin with both of us working, chores, childcare etc.

lem73 · 03/12/2014 20:02

No lie in!! That's utter crap. He really only needs one good lie in to catch up on sleep if you ask me. Stand your ground. And if he won't agree I'd send in the kids to wake him up when he is trying to have obe. My dcs have a similar age gap to you and I found that stage(2, 8 and 11 in my case) very tiring. Without a lie in at the weekend to look forward to I don't know what I would have done. Put your foot down.

Itsfab · 03/12/2014 20:15

Your husband needs reminding he wouldn't be able to do all this so important work Hmm if you weren't there looking after the children though not the house or Guinea Pigs it seems.

It is time to get tough and real about what it is actually like when you have children, animals and a house to look after.

You are supposed to be a team.

eeyoreeeyoreoh · 03/12/2014 20:20

velvetspoon Wed 03-Dec-14 18:18:56
Surely the simple answer is you get a job where you're spending also 12.5 hours a day working/commuting and then split the chores equally? Seems fair to me.

Alternatively if you'd rather be at home while your DH works 9 times longer than you, and presumably earns significantly more, it seems only fair you do the lion's share of the work.

So, what you're basically saying is that the OP isn't working while she's looking after the house and kids. But equally that the DH needs his rest at weekend so shouldn't be expected to do the...er...work..that the OP does during the week?

It's either work or it isn't. Pick one.

Goldenbear · 03/12/2014 21:03

Velvetspoon, do you have children and If so did you ever see them if you were in bed the whole weekend after your 'very' important week at work?

Original poster
belle1974 · 03/12/2014 21:05

did you have 3 kids at that time velvet? tbf I can't wait till lo starts nursery. She is adorable but a human whirlwind. I get it re night wakings too but I still do them when I am working so it just seems likehis leisure and sleep is more valuable than mine. I still haven't being asked to take dd into spare room when she was waking for several hours at night.

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Original poster
belle1974 · 03/12/2014 21:06

cross post

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islandmama · 03/12/2014 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

velvetspoon · 03/12/2014 22:47

My week at work wasn't important, so do spare me the snidey inverted commas. I had, have always had, to work FT. Some of the jobs I've had have involved long hours and long commutes, that's how it goes.

My DC are now in their teens. When they were younger and I spent half a weekend or more in bed they'd snuggle up with me, or play together on the floor with toys whilst I dozed. I was out of the house 7am-7pm from when DS2 was a year old, until he was 3, and again from when he was 9 until a year ago. At best over the last 13 years it's been 730-630. Neither of my DC slept through the night til the age of 2 or 3 either. So I'm aware how hard it is dealing with non sleeping toddlers. I'm also aware that a 12 hour day of work/commute is completely exhausting.

NewNamePlease · 03/12/2014 23:00

Really don't understand why you didn't remove the body when you found it Confused?
Also why you had two more children with you DP after you realised how crap he was?

Original poster
belle1974 · 04/12/2014 09:43

Didn't remove immediately as I could hear a commotion inside with dc. Also squeamish. Tbf he was better whe 1st 2 were small. He probably started doing less once the oldest started school and my workload decreased which is right and proper. Our last child was as a happy accident in my eyes. Maybe not so happy in his case although he is coming round. I think deep down he just expects everything to remain the same but that means that I end up picking up the slack. I had a csection with all my dc and this time he only took 3 days off work. The day I had her and the day I was discharged and the next day. So I have never really had a break.

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SandorClegane · 04/12/2014 09:50

It sounds like you're on call 24 hours a day which trumps his 12.5 hours tbh.

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