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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving children aibu or keep my beak out?

54 replies

Pyjamaramadrama · 03/12/2014 09:16

I'm wondering whether other people would do this or whether I'm right to think it's a little concerning.

There's a parent at ds' school, she's often rushing in after the bell, this is relevant because it means that sometimes there's no other parents or children left in the playground apart from any other few rushing in, it also means that sometimes the classroom doors have been closed and teachers have gone inside to start for the day.

Firstly I noticed that this parent was bringing her eldest into school and leaving the two preschoolers in the car, up the road, parked on a main road, and completely out of sight for up to 5 minutes. I'd see her going into school as I was walking out and then I'd see her car parked up the road with the kids in, aged about 2 and 3.

It's not that I thought somebody was going to snatch them, more that I thought they might mess around and end up taking the handbrake off, or that the car could get hit. My sisters car did actually roll away with her kids inside once after they took the handbrake off.

Roll on a year later and her middle child is in reception, her eldest year 2, what she's started doing now is leaving the kids slightly down the road and them going into school by themselves. This means that they've got to walk up the road a bit, into the gates and past the office around the corner of the building and into the playground to their classrooms, so completely out of sight. They also have to separate as the reception classroom is in a different part of the school. I think it's very, very unlikely that anything is going to happen to them, but, there is noone really about at this time, there is another entrance at the other side so it is possible but unlikely that they could go straight out the other side of the school grounds unnoticed, or just fall over running in and there'd be noone to notice. Also because the classroom doors are closed by this time they have to knock the door to alert the teacher that they're there. I just think that they're still so little the mum should see them into the class, everyone else seems to manage it even with prams and toddlers in tow.

What does mumsnet think? And even if it's wrong what could I do anyway?

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 03/12/2014 09:57

But what age do you continue to walk them in as they could fall when they are ten? She has obviously decided she is happy for her kids to walk.

I'm all for watching out for others, takes a village blah blah, but sometimes it's none of your business and it sounds like this is one of them.

One of the mums at my school is constantly late both dropping off and picking up, and parks on zig zags, leave the younger one in the car but I wouldn't dream of saying anything as the school can't help but be aware. It's her decision.

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 03/12/2014 10:08

I don't know what the school think about me or anyone else being late, I'm late once in a blue moon and ds has 100% atta dance and punctuality as he's never missed registration. I haven't judged this woman or anybody else for getting to school after the bell.

I don't know what age you should walk them in until I will cross that bridge when I come to it. The school have sent letters out to all and in the newsletter asking parents not to leave children unattended in the playground before the bell as there is nobody on duty to watch them until the school day starts. And that is across the board.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 03/12/2014 10:10

Well, to be fair they aren't being left unattended in the playground as they are usually late and walking straight in!

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 03/12/2014 10:11

And just for the record I generally don't see this parent because I am late too, I see her coming in as I am on my way out walking up the road.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 03/12/2014 10:17

That's true! Although it seems a bit worse to me at least first thing there's people about.

OP posts:

zoemaguire · 03/12/2014 10:26

Isn't it Switzerland where 4yos are expected to get themselves to school on their own? That seems bonkers to me, but thinking that a a 6yo shouldn't go 20m to their classroom on their own is equally bonkers in the other direction. I do think on the whole we expect far too little of our kids in the UK, and don't allow them enough independence.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 03/12/2014 10:36

I hope the other parents at school aren't this judgey about me! actually I couldn't give a shit

LingDiLong · 03/12/2014 10:52

I think leaving a child unattended in the yard is a bit different though. Young kids hanging around aimlessly with no adult supervision are bound to get into trouble. There's less likelihood of trouble if they're just walking from the car into their classroom.

merrygoround51 · 03/12/2014 10:55

I really cant see the big deal here.

I really hope that there are not lots of mothers are school judging in this way .

LadyintheRadiator · 03/12/2014 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quangle · 03/12/2014 11:00

No need for the snide comments on here. OP is asking and has taken opinions on board.

I think it's ok OP, although I tried to drop my DD off in the car and get her to walk round the corner the other day because I was in the car going in a different direction (we normally walk so I take them right up to the door). She needed to walk about 30 feet on her own and she reacted as if I'd suggested she move out and get a flat by herself. She's 8 and quite independent most of the time . So I guess if they are used to it and it works ok, it's fine.

CelesteToTheDance · 03/12/2014 11:03

I'd call the police if I ever saw unattended babies/toddlers alone in the car. Allowing very young children to walk up a busy road alone like that is no better. They'll probably be safe enough until someone with sinister intentions takes advantage of the opportunity that unattended children provides. Statistics don't count when you're in the tiny minority leaving children alone and vulnerable at the mercy of passing strangers. They're the only children at risk from strangers or anyone outside of the family.

There's no excuse for leaving young children or babies unprotected. They're vulnerable and can't defend themselves. It's not hysteria to recognise that, it's irresponsible and careless not to.

Nicknacky · 03/12/2014 11:08

It wasn't long until the abduction threat was mentioned! When was the last time a child was abducted on their way to school in circumstances as described by op? Particularly if it is a busy main road and being watched by mum.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 03/12/2014 11:13

Celeste - you do know that most abusers are someone the victim knows? And that stranger abduction is very very rare, don't you?

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 03/12/2014 11:26

I don't feel as though I'm judging her, I haven't tutted or made snide comments about her. I've seen her doing something that isn't really the norm, as in nobody else does this at the school, and I was slightly concerned. Not because of them being abducted (highly unlikely), I mentioned the car being hit or the handbrake being released as they were jumping about in the car, and I've known this happen to someone after leaving pre schoolers in the car, my sisters kids managed to release the handbrake and the car rolled away, luckily it hit a wall.

The thing about them walking in alone isn't the done thing here and my main thought was if they fell over rushing in and no adult being there, some of the children are still tiny and not very good at managing their book bags drinks and lunch boxes.

I think it's a very low chance that anything will ever happen to them but it's not what I'd do, I like to know he's got in safe and sound and he's still very independent.

As most people think it's perfectly ok I will think that it's just me being over cautious and think no more about it.

OP posts:

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 03/12/2014 11:26

You are judging her

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 03/12/2014 11:29

Ok if you say so. I know what I think and I am entitled to my thoughts and opinions.

OP posts:

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 03/12/2014 11:30

Absolutely you are entitled to your thoughts and opinions but it's disingenuous to say you aren't judging her. Because, clearly, you are.

Nicknacky · 03/12/2014 11:30

So she may have an automatic and no concerns about handbrake.

It's not the done thing at my school but I do it, people may follow suit when they see others doing it. No one likes to be the first to break the tradition!

And struggling with bags, well that's up to mum! And following them in I case they fall is a bit, well overprotective?

It's not what you would do, but doesn't mean she is wrong so you are being a tad unreasonable.

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 03/12/2014 11:36

Well I think there is a big difference between judging someone which to me is condemning them without a second thought, and feeling concern about something.

OP posts:

Dontstepinthecowpat · 03/12/2014 11:45

Celeste you'd call the police, really? Do you want to think that through? Perhaps you'd hang around a minute or two to check the parents hadn't left them for two minutes while they picked up a parcel/dropped off at school/ nipped into their house for their purse.

I have a 2,4 and 6 year old and assess their safety all day long. It's a full time job. Sometimes leaving them in the car is the safer option that dragging three of them across a sorting office car park.

Number3cometome · 03/12/2014 11:46

OP - I think you are totally right to bring this issue up.

You have seen something you don't feel comfortable with and you have asked for opinions. I think you are a brave lady for doing so, and I think you should be commended for doing so.

There are far too many people on this earth who ignore what is going on so as not to be criticised.

That being said, I do not feel that the mother is doing anything wrong, all children have different levels of maturity.

I had a DS in Year 7 who collects DD (Year 3) from school and takes her on a bus ride home.
DS is very mature, DD is a bit naughty but so far has behaved for DS.

DS has a mobile phone and texts me as soon as he is home.

School is aware of my arrangements and have no issue with it.

I think you are a lovely person for caring, and I hope you are not taking anything to heart as I do not believe anyone on here is critising you, just stating their point (that's the point of AIBU after all)

however · 03/12/2014 11:49

I don't see a problem with what she is doing, unless they're crossing a busy road that isn't staffed by a lollipop person.

Primaryteach87 · 03/12/2014 11:49

She is the parent. She has decided it is a safe option for her children. It is not illegal. I think you should keep your opinions to yourself.

however · 03/12/2014 11:50

Oops, I also meant to say I agree about leaving the kids alone in the car unrestrained. My car was pretty much written off after the neighbour's 4 year old released the handbrake of their car.

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