They really can't have two Christmas dinners on one day, surely?

[Hopingforpeace]

I'll try to keep this brief. My dh, 2 dd's and myself are my Dsis' only family since losing our dParents and grandparents. Dsis and her bf live together and have been together for 4 years.
For the last 4 years they have spent the first half of the day at our house and have lunch here then have gone to bf's parents house and had another sitting of Turkey and all the trimmings. This has made my Dsis feel quite ill and I think it is insanity.
As our kids are very young we have lunch at 1ish then do more present opening then pudding around 4. This has been when Dsis and her bf have left to go for round 2.
I suggested they did year about but bf's mum insists she must see her son each year. Dsis would be happy to do alternate years but knows she would just end up never being with us - where she would prefer to be anyway.
Only Dsis drives, not her bf or his parents or his siblings.
This year bf's mum wants them to start off the morning with her, taking the grandparents over, then going to us then back to them to be ready to eat by 3.
I've said in not going to rush about just so that bf mum is content, whilst we all have indigestion.
I suggested Dsis comes here alone but she is needed to be the grandparent taxi service. They insist on that then rub it in that she can't have a drink on Christmas Day. Her bf also wants to come to our house to see the kids.
I think they need to stand up to his mum and just do alternate years. I've never known anyone to have two sittings of Christmas dinner just to appease families.
They could of course come and watch us eat but that just seems odd. I don't really want to start Christmas dinner at 4 once they leave as then id have to do something for lunch for the kids. We usually just have leftovers later.
Any other bright ideas of how this could be solved? If I was my Dsis, I doubt I could put up with the mummy's boy but they are in love. I think they treat my Dsis badly at times.

Easiest solution is that your Dsis and her boyfriend have dinner together in their own home.

Before/after that they can visit family.

Although quite why it has to be on the 25th is anyone's guess.

I'd run a mile from the whole drama if I was them.

i think that you should do the Christmas you want & your sister should fit in or not

She could decide to have a day at yours & leave him to do what he wants.

Exactly.
She spends the day with you, he spends the day with his family. Some people do that, quite happily. They are together the rest of the year.

Genuine question, what if, for some reason she couldn't drive, say, her car broke down, for example, surely the boyfriend and his family would have to organise taxis or something? Sounds a bit unfair that she has to taxi people around, but I guess, it's up to her, as an adult, to decide if she is happy with that, or not.

What did the job driving family do before their son became involved with your sister? They surely had to make arrangements for the grandparents. If they were having digs at me about being unable to drink I'd have a drink and say 'yeah you are right i'n missing out do you want me to find you a taxi number?' Freeloading arses!

I think you just need to do the Christmas you want to do with your family and let your Dsis get on with hers. If you want lunch at 1pm, then do that. Sounds like it's been working okay-ish. Let her have a small portion if she wants and enjoy the time with her.

If she wants to merrily go along with the two lunch thing, then so be it. She's an adult and it's her choice what she does.

My suggestion is that DSIS takes BF and GPS over to the parents, pops in and says Happy Christmas, and then leaves to come to yours. She can spend the day with you and only eat one lunch albeit without alcohol. She can decide when she will pick up the BF and GPS to take them home. This should be non negotiable. It means that you have lunch at a convenient time to you.

If she raises the subject with the BF and that doesn't suit them, she can say that they are welcome to make their own travel arrangements, as she has been more than generous offering when she could have gone straight to her DSIS. I think she needs to say that she is feeling taken advantage of, and as others have said, what would they do if she couldn't give lifts for any reason? And yes, BF needs to start addressing the need to learn to drive himself, get a car of his own and become the taxi service to his own family, unless there is a medical reason why he can't.

Why can't you just eat later to make things easier for your sister? Maybe compromise a teeny bit. There's no point in EVERYONE standing their ground.

OP: cook for 3pm and have a lovely brunch in the mid-morning instead of an early breakfast then small lunch.
Your Sis can drop GP at MILs, have brunch with you, leave at 2pm for the rest of the day: she'll be there for present opening and kids at their best, smoked salmon and scrambled eggs or eggs benedict, lovely fruits and really good quality coffee: treats without being too heavy, then toddle off for her MIL christmas dinner.
You'll both be havig a feast in different houses but you have shared the best bit of the day.

Oops, should have RTFT before answering. Sorry!

As we come from a home that was quite EA neither of us are particularly good at having a back bone. Mine has grown a lot since having my DCs but she still has a bit to go!
I let her read through the thread as she had asked me to put it on as I've had various excellent advice in the past. She thinks I should stick to my original plan. She is going to stay here and be here in the morning. She will then drive his gp to his mum and pick him up to come back here then they are going back to his mums later. I personally couldn't be arsed with that much driving about to please people but it is her decision.
She isn't best pleased with her bf as today he locked up using her keys and now she can't get back in to the flat. He said he would be home by half four and isn't there yet. Only reason is he is very busy.

So she will still be eating the two meals on Christmas day?

I hope the BF is buying DSIS her Christmas present and that is why he is late. I hope he's a bit more careful about keys in future too.

TBH if I were your DSis, I'd be seriously reconsidering if I wanted any kind of long term relationship with a spineless man and in-laws with no ability to compromise, and who seem to value her only as a free taxi service.

Yes, it sounds awful and she is being totally used and abused.

To laugh and mock her for not being able to drink when none of them drive.

I would simply get her to say no, she isnt going there at all, its christmas they can put their hands in their pockets and fork out for taxis.

I am confused as to why they have to come back to yours, why cant she stay over, then go and get gp ( if she choses, which she is, its her choice to do this) then just stay over there?

Sis bf family need to fork out for taxis.

You serve your food when it suits you: madness otherwise.

You do seem a bit smug about the fact that your DS would prefer to be with you than with her DP's family.

agree with solid gold too, you must stand firm even if your dsis will bend to her bf....you do your thing...

How about she just stays with bf's family Xmas day and comes to you Boxing Day. Or she does Xmas day herself and has you all over, including bf's folks, she may well do that once she has her own kids.

If your DSis is still reading this, why don't you just stay with Hopingforpeace and let your BF do his thing with his family. Yes, they'll have to fork out for taxis, but at least they will have to learn you will only go every other year. Stick to that, your BF can chose to join you or not.

Well, it's up to her.

But it sounds bonkers to me.

At some point in the future, she needs to assess how much she gets from her BF (and his family) vs how much she gives. It sounds unbalanced to me. But different strokes for different folks and all that.

surely the sensible thing would be for them to have the morning in their own house, then she come to you and he go to his mothers!

She really needs to stop and take a good long look at things before she sleepwalks into a crappy life.

A boyfriend who always puts mummy dearest first and is very firm about who is 'his' family and only wants their involvement turns into a husband who does the same.

Honestly, she needs to think about 10 years in the future when there's kids and she's the tolerated incubator while he still won't have mummy upset in any way.

I mean, she's locked out of her own home because of him and he's 'too busy' to come and give her her own keys? Nice and considerate of him.

How is her basic relationship with this man?

(I'm getting a sense that she's not happy with it overall and is using Xmas arrangements as a vehicle to try to articulate that.)