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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They really can't have two Christmas dinners on one day, surely?

73 replies

Hopingforpeace · 02/12/2014 23:11

I'll try to keep this brief. My dh, 2 dd's and myself are my Dsis' only family since losing our dParents and grandparents. Dsis and her bf live together and have been together for 4 years.
For the last 4 years they have spent the first half of the day at our house and have lunch here then have gone to bf's parents house and had another sitting of Turkey and all the trimmings. This has made my Dsis feel quite ill and I think it is insanity.
As our kids are very young we have lunch at 1ish then do more present opening then pudding around 4. This has been when Dsis and her bf have left to go for round 2.
I suggested they did year about but bf's mum insists she must see her son each year. Dsis would be happy to do alternate years but knows she would just end up never being with us - where she would prefer to be anyway.
Only Dsis drives, not her bf or his parents or his siblings.
This year bf's mum wants them to start off the morning with her, taking the grandparents over, then going to us then back to them to be ready to eat by 3.
I've said in not going to rush about just so that bf mum is content, whilst we all have indigestion.
I suggested Dsis comes here alone but she is needed to be the grandparent taxi service. They insist on that then rub it in that she can't have a drink on Christmas Day. Her bf also wants to come to our house to see the kids.
I think they need to stand up to his mum and just do alternate years. I've never known anyone to have two sittings of Christmas dinner just to appease families.
They could of course come and watch us eat but that just seems odd. I don't really want to start Christmas dinner at 4 once they leave as then id have to do something for lunch for the kids. We usually just have leftovers later.
Any other bright ideas of how this could be solved? If I was my Dsis, I doubt I could put up with the mummy's boy but they are in love. I think they treat my Dsis badly at times.

OP posts:
Hazchem · 03/12/2014 04:02

You could do a special breakfast at your place which Dsis and BF attend then they can go have the lunch at his parents and you have a lunch at your place.

BikeRunSki · 03/12/2014 04:12

Christmas does strange things to logic and loyalty. Before the dc came along, we often did:
Christmas Eve - drive 180 miles to PiLs.
Christmas Day - Turkey dinner with PiLs at lunchtime.
Drive another 70 miles.
Another dinner with my mum in the late afternoon.

Bonkers, but not that uncommon, as discussed with a nice policeman in a layby in Wiltshire in around 2006.

FishWithABicycle · 03/12/2014 04:22

It's got to be DSis's decision and she shouldn't be bullied into having a miserable Christmas each year fir her bf's mum's sake. If she decides not to spend Xmas day as a taxi driver, to stay put at yours and enjoy herself, that's her call. If bf wants to spend Xmas with his mum instead of with his gf, that's his call. She certainly shouldn't feel obliged to restructure her plans to ferry her bf's grandparents around. Taxis do operate on Xmas day - there are plenty of taxi drivers who don't celebrate Xmas. Of course it will be expensive - they should suck it up not ruin your DSis's day to save money. She isn't their servant.

You shouldn't feel any obligation to muck around your Christmas day plans for the satisfaction of someone so wholly unrelated to you.

However, it's ok for Xmas day meal times for small children to vary wildly from their normal routine - the day is so abnormal anyway it's not going to be a problem. IF you feel you want to facilitate this continued Xmas day splitting, might you consider serving a really special Xmas brunch at 10ish - not just a fry-up but going quite posh on the breakfast theme, to share a different kind of special meal with DSis, meanwhile in both houses the turkey Xmas meal is at 4ish and DSis and bf only have to stuff themselves once.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 03/12/2014 04:45

We do a brunch in the holidays and then eat late. For instance, last thursday was Thanksgiving here in the US so we had a brunch with warm cinnamon rolls, bucks fizz, bacon and fruit salad. Could you do an easy brunch, say cheese and ham croissants at about 11 am and delay your lunch until maybe 2? Then your Dsis and her DP could come all morning and leave at noon for his house. Perhaps do presents or some of the presents in the morning before lunch instead of after.

If you could find a compromise I'm sure your sister would love it.

youareallbonkers · 03/12/2014 06:43

If they want to do this it's up to them but why not let them have lunch with his mum and you eat lunch at the normal time too then they come to yours for the afternoon and evening? Why do they have to eat?

Mehitabel6 · 03/12/2014 06:59

Mad. It is your sister's problem and she needs to get him to stand up to his mother because he must have other problems with her if she has never let go.
From your side I would just get her to come when it doesn't involve food.

Mrsstarlord · 03/12/2014 07:06

I don't understand why they have to have two dinners? If you know they are eating elsewhere why not time their visit to you so that you are eating another meal?
Doesn't seem like it's just mil who is struggling to compromise tbh.

merrymouse · 03/12/2014 07:14

I agree - why not have brunch at your house?

Wouldn't this be easier as you can delay the main cooking till later in the day and spend more time with your sister?

2minsofyourtime · 03/12/2014 07:48

You sounds just as uncompromising as bf's mum

crumblebumblebee · 03/12/2014 07:53

Like others have said, can you compromise a bit? Why does it have to be lunch that you have with your sister, why not brunch?

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 03/12/2014 08:29

I think you seem uncompromising too.

Have a lovely brunch and dinner when they go. If toddlers need something to eat, give them fruit.

If your sis doesn't mind driving that's up to her. I wouldn't do both. She could do a morning pick up of GPS and stay the morning or drop them home if she comes for the afternoon. It's up to the driver if and when they give a lift; passenger's obligation is to be grateful.

MiddletonPink · 03/12/2014 08:37

Midnite I think the bf's is a bitch as you put it actually. As her DS is in a relationship I think it's only fair that he alternates Christmas.

I would be happy with that.

MiddletonPink · 03/12/2014 08:37

Bf's mum

Vitalstatistix · 03/12/2014 08:45

Sounds like your sister is about to sign up for a lifetime of being a taxi.

Really, and I know this sounds unsympathetic, if she is not willing to say no, I am not doing that, I am prepared to do X but not Y, there has to be a true compromise here... then she really can't complain about the situation.

She needs to be assertive. They can't drag her along at gunpoint Grin she has the ability to say no, I am not going to be doing this every year.

If she doesn't stand up to them all now, she's going to grow to HATE christmas. And that's assuming she doesn't actually become permataxi.

It's in your sister's hands. She can either run herself ragged round her boyfriends mum and entire family, or she can be assertive and say clearly that she is as important as they are and her family as important as his.

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/12/2014 08:47

Dsis would rather not argue with her bf over this

Well she just has to decide whether she is prepared to put her foot down about this and not be get mugged off.

Either she is the family taxi, or she does the unthinkable, and comes to you for the day. It's her decision to make.

It will set the terms of her future relationship though if she doesn't put her foot down now.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 03/12/2014 08:47

It's between your DSis and her BF to sort out.

Original poster
Hopingforpeace · 03/12/2014 09:28

I'd be happy to do brunch but her bf is very fussy and when that was suggested before he said that wasn't Christmas to him. Confused I could try again as it seems the best option. However, he is very limited in what he eats.
I'd be happy to start our lunch later just not so late it becomes an evening meal. Otherwise I'll cook a heap of food that the kids won't eat as they've been snacking all day.
The problem is Dsis is expected to be at their in the morning then back for lunch and they traditionally play games all evening.
One year the bf's sister came here too as she was fed up of her mum!
I had suggested they stay here to see the kids first thing then go but that was vetoed because of the grandparents.
I am willing to compromise so at some point on some Christmas Days our family could be together.
I said to Dsis she should make a stand now as I can imagine this becoming an even bigger problem if/when they have kids.
I suggested to dh we have the whole lot of them round here...he said over his dead body. He isn't the greatest fan of bf's mum.
Dh's side of the family always go away over Christmas. I used to think it was a bit odd but now seems appealing!

OP posts:
LeBearPolar · 03/12/2014 09:44

TBH you seem to be too involved in trying to solve this. Your sister is an adult and it is up to her to say what she wants to do on Christmas Day. Tell her what time you will be eating your meals and that she is welcome to join you for any of them. Then let her and her boyfriend sort it out between themselves. If she isn't assertive enough to stand up to her boyfriend and his family, that's not something for you to solve, really. She needs to address it herself.

DazzleU · 03/12/2014 09:48

As a none driver it's very rude to expect other to drive you around.

It was after I had DC that I found my backbone - it wasn't easy and I was vilified - and every compromise I offered was shot down as not good enough Hmm. So I suited myself in the end- it just us for Christmas - nearly 10 year on DH thinks it's the best thing we ever did ( mutters yea it wasn't you vilified and taking irate phone calls from your parents friends).

Best thing your sister could do is decide what she wants to do on the day - if she is happy to drive around and people still be unhappy with her - for sake of avoiding an argument that's her choice. You can't make her stand up for herself though.

I don't think you need to change everything about your day - do brunch if you want and the boyfriend can lump it - or they can pop in when they can and if your eating entertain themselves for a bit.

I think the bf mother is going to be unhappy unless she gets exactly what she wants - so how far are you willing to compromise for the day.

It does sound easier if your sister comes Christmas eve or boxing day - rather than the actual day - but whether that is acceptable to your Dsis and you I don't know.

whattheseithakasmean · 03/12/2014 09:48

Your sister has to say she is not prepared to be a taxi for the grandparents - in fact, I think she should stop being a taxi altogether. Maybe she could get her BF driving lessons for xmas?

ssd · 03/12/2014 09:52

if she knows shes having a turkey meal at her inlaws why then eat a big meal with you beforehand?

good grief, its not that hard

diddl · 03/12/2014 09:53

i think that you should do the Christmas you want & your sister should fit in or not.

They don't have to have a meal, it could just be a pop in for a couple of hrs for example.

I mean if her boyfriend wants to see his mum every year, she doesn't have to go along with it.

She could decide to have a day at yours & leave him to do what he wants.

mrssnodge · 03/12/2014 09:54

If I was your Dsis- i would stay in my own house , have a drink, and tell the lot of you to like it or lump it!!
I finally done this after over 20 yrs of doing it all- taxi driver/cooking/washingup/buying all the food/ everyone at mine and me sitting on the floor!! After meeting Dp he was horrified for me and insisited I tell everyone Im doing my own thing, and he took me out for Xmas lunch- just the two of us, bliss-
I used to dread xmas and all the stress, now this yr Im swanning off to the pub again, my grown up DC are doing their own thing and Im getting to see the Grandkids for an hour before I go to the pub as they live close!

SolidGoldBrass · 03/12/2014 09:55

You know what OP, in a couple of year's time you will be on here asking how to help your DSis get out of an abusive relationship. Because the boyfriend's a selfish prick and his mother has taught him to believe the world revolves around him and his family.
Because not only his his mother insisting that everything is done her way, the BF is insisting that your Christmas dinner is arranged to suit him.
Tell your Dsis that you will be having your Xmas meals at the times that suit your family, and that she and BF can come when they choose and eat or not eat as they choose, but your arrangements will not change to suit her almost-MIL.

HighwayDragon · 03/12/2014 09:55

Dd has 2 sittings, lunch with me then a late tea with her dad.