No presents for married people!

[kikkomum]

DH and I got married last year. At some point before Christmas MIL made it clear that they wouldn't be buying us Christmas presents and wouldn't be expecting any from us. I went along with it last year, slightly bemused - I think the reason is that there's not much they want (their needs are few and simple) and they would just end up with something that they didn't want or need. It's definitely not for financial reasons.

This year we had our baby girl. We've had some photos done of her and PILS will get one of those (and maybe a photo book if I get round to it).

Maybe this isn't an aibu as I don't give to receive presents - it's just nice to choose things you think people will enjoy and there's always a book or similar that I would appreciate. I guess I'm wondering how common place it is not to receive presents from your parents (in DH's case) or PILs in my case.

It's just parents and children who swap gifts as adults on both sides here, with the odd exception.

I love buying and opening presents, too.

"I feel like I should apologise for both liking to receive gifts, and enjoying buying them for grown up family members."

Well I love both giving & receiving presents & don't feel the need to apologise In our family (& in my in-law's) we even [gasp] celebrate adult birthdays! And we do secret santa for friends. In my world that's normal.

I've never bought or been given over priced tat though.

is everyone who doesn't have children supposed to sit around twiddling their thumbs whilst the parents witter on about Christmas being all about the kids?

I'm honestly amazed at the number of people here who don't give/receive presents between adults. In our family we even do adult Christmas stockings . They're only small gifts, but I love watching my relatives open the things I've chosen, and also love getting small gifts in return - we don't have loads of spare cash and I don't tend to treat myself to random stuff much, so it's lovely to be given chocolates etc.
I guess you just have to respect their - quite sensible really - wish not to accumulate more stuff.
We have a similar agreement with friends of ours actually, to just buy presents for the kids, but - and this makes me sound really mean - sometimes I wish it was the other way round and we could exchange a nice bottle of wine rather than yet another but of plastic toddler tat.

I think it is good for the kids to help choose, wrap and give gifts to the adults. It shows them how nice it is to give.
My kids would think something was very odd if adults didn't recieve gifts.

I wish my PiLs would sign up to this idea - I've got a cupboard full of presents from them that I'll never use. It;s such a waste.

I'm more than happy with not having to buy presents for people too - it's not a money thing, it's time and angst and knowing I've got it wrong and they are being polite....

mostly only for kids on DHs side (GPs excepted). Absolutely LOVE buying kids pressies and all the Christmas stuff and am so excited we will be at home this year but seriously presents for adults leaves me cold. Tried stopping it for adults on my side but sister wont so we exchange some rubbish tat between each other at great expense that I hate - same with birthdays - I hate it. Hate chistmas/birthday gifts for me - If I want something I will buy it. Sometimes me and DH buy stuff sometimes we don't. We don't do anniversaries of Valentines for each other either - really can't see the point.

I have only ever heard of adults not exchanging gifts on MN. I think it is just as important to include adults in the fun of Christmas and in my family at least we all love to give and receive presents. They don't have to be expensive but I love choosing them. I wouldn't be offended if someone requested to opt out though, if they just wanted or needed a break.

To me this approach of children only is joyless, but obviously it isn't for others so I'm not criticising, just saying that is how I'd find it. Since I don't have DC I do end up giving a lot to families with children including adults even though I only receive as an individual but that doesn't matter to me, it is not a financial exchange, it is choosing things for those you love. We're all about the parcels, I will not baulk at wrapping a bag of favourite crisps.

Out of interest, for those who give to children only, what happened during years (if they existed) when it was adults only, before the 'young' generation had children?

We all did presents for each other until the children arrived. Now We just do presents for children. Certainly not joyless! We just have more of a presents for children view in our family. As adults we just buy what we like iykwim! We all work and the treat is spending time together, lovely food watching the children do the Father Christmas thing etc.

And for those who only give to children- at what age do you stop giving to your own children? Is there a cut off? If you hadseveral children, say 20, 17 15 and 12 years old would it only be the younger children that you gave gifts to?

All this mention of tat- well it needn't be. I enjoy practical gifts, food items etc. I have been given a mini pack of artisan mustards, or some egyptian cotton facecloths by adult relatives- stuff I use, same with OH and I, he gave me a battery charger, a garden thermometer, things he knew I would appreciate.

We also give a day out gift so mil, fil, bil and partner are invited to ours for a meal and a cabaret or show or concert. Mil loves going out with her 2 sons, fil pretends he doesn't want to go but then always really enjoys it and bil and partner seem happy that we're not giving them stuff. We usually link it with something edible - so this year, it's a trip to the zoo, and a meal in neighbouring forest restaurant

Wrapped with animal chocolate shapes to have something to actually open

We buy a small amount for the adults, maybe £15 on my grandparents, £15 on FIL then about the same each on DM & DF. DH & I don't really buy for each other or we have a tiny budget. I absolutely love Christmas but I think it's all about the children (I wouldn't have agreed with that in my teens, as many prezzies as possible please!).

Freedom-we do loads of that as a family.
We are a real lot for making happy memories than getting stuff so lots of theatre/ballet trips, sporting/ musical events, meals out etc. I definitely want my children to learn from that as they age. They have to spend time with us not just buy us stuff!! We'll see if it works!! :)

Years ago I got together with my SILs, who I get on very well with, to work out a system to keep present costs down. For the adults, we agreed to spend about £10 per person. Each family then buys a present worth about £20 for their own children, which is wrapped as a gift from all the other families and handed out at our family Christmas party which we take it in turns to host. It works really well for us. It means we all get a gift to open, but there's no huge expense.

Since having our children we only buy for children on my side of the family plus my mum. When you are one of 5 children and they have all had several children it gets very expensive, so I was relived when my sis suggested cutting out the adults presents. We tend to stop giving to nieces and nephews when they leave full time education. I will continue to buy for my own children (and their future partners & children) forever.

On partners side of the family we still buy for adults and children. It's a nightmare buying for adults, I wish we could stop it really. Although I do like the presents my sil gets me - shes got good taste

My family buy presents, DH's family only do them for kids.

I'm quite happy with this arrangement

DH is from a large family that stopped sibling presents when it just turned into an exchange of fancy wine, and now do children only. My DB and I only buy for DNs, which we were happy to mutually agree on. DM gives to each of us.

Wow! This only buying for children trend is new to me. Does it mean that nowadays children never get to choose presents for anyone? My DD used to love going shopping to buy Christmas presents from her to various adults that she knew, even if it was just a pretty bar of soap that she'd picked out for Grandma. What on earth happened to the pleasure of giving? Also it's all a bit unfair on the childless isn't it?

it's not a money thing, it's time and angst and knowing I've got it wrong and they are being polite..

Yes BackforGood that's exactly how I feel. My parents are comfortably off so anything they want or need they buy themselves; for health reasons luxury food and booze are out; they don't do posh toiletries........so thinking of something to get them is a nightmare. And in reverse, we have a very small house so no space for clutter, we download/stream most of our books, music and film....we are equally awkward I think.

It's the first year of doing it so I hope it's not "joyless" . I suspect not, as Xmas has become less and less about the presents over the last few years for me, it's more about the day and the food and being together.

In our version it is the adults that don't buy for each other. our Chilean still buy for their (amazing) grandparents and they also buy for each other.

We all did presents for each other until the children arrived. Now We just do presents for children. Certainly not joyless! We just have more of a presents for children view in our family. As adults we just buy what we like iykwim! We all work and the treat is spending time together, lovely food watching the children do the Father Christmas thing etc.

This ^ that *Enchanted Forest said. Exactly.

BigBlueStars - we've decided to stop giving to nieces and nephews once they get to 21. Don't envisage stopping giving to my own dc, unless they request it later once they have their own families. I too like practical things, but I have 2 siblings who completely refuse to get me something I have asked for, if they consider it a 'household thing' Not sure how that fits with my idea that presents ought to be something the recipient wants, rather than something the giver thinks they would like.

Tamzin - My dc, still buy for everyone else in the (house) family. I agree, it's about them learning to give as well as receive.

Now, what I want to know, is - at what stage do your dc's girlfriends/boyfriends need a present buying for them ?

I really like exchanging gifts with my siblings and parents at Christmas. My family aren't well off so I like treating them to things, we have bought things like a big TV and kitchen appliances for my parents before as they are on pension credit. Until a few years ago I was a single mum and I really appreciated the little things I'd get that I wouldn't have bought for myself. I guess it's different if you can all afford to get things for yourself, or end up buying novelty gifts which no one uses.

We only buy for children. Can some posters really not imagine Christmas being enjoyable without the presents? I thoroughly enjoy the whole thing. In fact I'd feel incredibly awkward waiting in expectation of presents off other adults. I'd rather just buy the fancy chocolates myself - which I can afford to do if I'm not buying them for someone else.

How can people enjoy it so much when they've no idea how the giver actually feels about giving? There are a few posters here who have already mentioned that they'd rather not buy for adults, but do so because they feel obliged to; I'm sure the recipient has no idea of their true feelings about it. I'd rather just avoid that discomfort altogether.

This won't apply to my own children however (and their future families); who will know that I will not be receiving gifts, but will give them (as is my prerogative as their mum/mil/nan).

And as far as children getting involved with giving to loved ones: mine get the opportunity to do that throughout the year; and without any expectation of receiving anything in return.