SIL and Christmas day. AIBU? Or is she?

[PrawnToast12]

I have just had a new baby, and also have a nearly two year old. This Christmas is a busy one. On Christmas eve, we plan to spend the day with FIL and SIL, boxing day we are travelling 1 hour away to spend the day with my mum and her family, then on the 27th we are spending the day with my dad and his family. SIL and FIL have also been invited to my mums on boxing day if they wish.
As we are so busy, and we have such young children, I would like to have Christmas dinner just the four of us, watch movies, stay in our PJs and just have some alone time as a family to play with toddler etc. I don't want Christmas to pass in a blur of travelling and hosting.
We have said that SIL and FIL are more than welcome to come on Christmas day morning to see the children if they like, but we would like the afternoon to ourselves.
We have spent the past two Christmas's (sp?) and New Year with them too. MIL died a few years ago, so it will just be those two if they don't have dinner with us. FIL's sister and daughters lives round the corner (they are close and see each other a few times a week), but not really sure why they don't spend Christmas together.

OH told SIL our plans, and she seems to be annoyed. Saying that 'Christmas is for families' and why are they not allowed to come round. I really don't want to fall out over this, and I probably will end up caving, which I didn't want to do. But I am starting to feel really guilty.

AIBU in wanting to spend Christmas day afternoon with just us four? Should I reconsider? Prepared to be told that I am being mean!

Personally I think it's a bit un-Christmassy to leave SIL and FIL alone on Christmas Day. Just let them come. Have a lazy Christmas morning and they come at midday. You can do an easy Christmas dinner for 4 adults. M&S!

Why does the one PJ day have to be Xmas day though ??
Why can't it be Xmas eve?!

Xmas, why can't the fil and sil go to the aunt's round the corner? They aren't alone at all. OP is seeing them on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day morning and Boxing Day.

Not all house guests are people you can feel relaxed around.

I also feel bad for them - Christmas day can be a bit of a low point for people and if it is the two of them on their own they are not likely to be very demanding. I would just tell SIL she had to get stuck in helping heat up the M and S Christmas dinner and that you are not doing anything fancy and open a bottle of wine or three
It's easy to forget how others feel when you have your cozy family - I actually don't think she is being a brat or selfish at all maybe just a bit hurt that they are so obviously not wanted
Season of goodwill and all that - maybe time to show a little generosity of spirit

Christmas time is for families, the old and new, I don't think you should look at it as caving by inviting them, but by having a lovely family Christmas with your dc's aunt and grandad there.

Tis the season of goodwill!!

Yes and to add if you cave now you might set a pattern. Christmas is a bugger for setting precidents that get hard to break once set.

Stay strong.

Don't you think "season of goodwill" and generosity of spirit has to be a two-way thing?

SIL has been getting her own way for 2 years now - and now is trying to make it a hat-trick. OP wants one afternoon with her family. That's not at all selfish.

OP has every right to be hurt that SIL is so pushy and trying to dominate things. Wanting a few hours with your family does not mean that you do not want your FIL and SIL there - it means you want one afternoon. that's not much to ask.

OP has spent the last 2 years round at FILs and wants to have one year in her own house. It's very unfair to suggest this is unreasonable in any way whatsoever when she is going out of her way to spend time seeing both sides of the family. And if you look at it, SIL gets to spend 2.5 days out of 4 with OP, while her DM and DF only get one apiece.

Don't cave. Yanbu

But we were surprised to find we didn't like just us four as much as we expected. Ils and mine are now to be over from 10am-4 again. With two under five in order to enjoy the day ourselves we needed help with the kids.

But we were big enough to admit that after and everyone now knows they are helping actively too. Win win really

ahh...so no driving...they can fark off then! :D ...i am so fickle! :o
I forget people can walk places, we live in the back of beyond!

Take charge and tell them to pop round for a turkey sandwich after The Sound Of Music.

Don't know the dynamics, how pleasant/unpleasant SIL/FIL can be so try to make this advice fit, but xmas is for family.

You said you feel abit unreasonable which is justification for having them round. You will be a nuclear family with a couple of close add-ons.

Having them round is a fair bit more effort, but make it easier, stay in your pj's (invite them to bring their pj's!).

Your SIL is desperate to be with family, not just her dad. It would be so nice of you to have them round and you'll hopefully get a little buzz from making someone else's day. Your 20 month old may enjoy aunty and grandad playing with her.

Just don't change what you would have done anyway. Let them fit in with you guys. Watch the films, play some games, etc.

Obvs, this is if they will appreciate the gesture and be grateful for it!!??

Good luck!

Do not cave.
Do not start up "traditions" of who goes where on what day
Having been through the rigmarole of being expected to be everywhere at the same time I wish I had put my foot down years ago.
I would refuse to see anyone Christmas day given my time again

Say that with the new baby, you want some time to yourselves so they can either come for all Christmas Eve & 1/2 Christmas day or the other way round - but not both all day.

Then she has a bit of a choice and you have a guaranteed time to yourselves.

I think YABU. It IS for families and fil and sil are just that. It's nice they want to spend time with you. There's just two of them and it won't make much difference.

I don't know- my dad's brother lived with my DGF after my DGM died, it would never have crossed anyone's mind to have them sitting at home just the two of them when they could spend the day with us. Especially when there's young kids around, it really does just change the entire atmosphere and makes it more magical for everyone. Spending time with both your children and your grandchildren OR sitting staring at your adult DD who you don't see much.... Mhmmm, tough one. They probably are both a bit lonely, and spending the day alone conjures up images of a particularly depressing Eastenders Christmas special. Especially if this is the first time they'll have to do it after the death of MIL.

Assuming neither SIL or FIL are complete arseholes and have more good points than bad, I would have your "chill out" day on Christmas Eve and have them over for a low key dinner on Christmas Day, making sure everyone knows there'll be none of this "all the trimmings" shite.

Unless there is more to this and SIL and FIL have personal qualities which make spending Xmas day with them really unpleasant then I think YABU

There is way too much PRESSURE surrounding Christmas nowadays, stuff to buy, people to please! Even if you aren't really religious, Christmas should have some meaning - family time etc! I would never put myself into debt over Christmas or give myself headaches rushing around to see everyone and host, however selfish that sounds, I want my boys to remember Christmas as a calm happy time, not where they are rushed around, constantly told off for being normal kids misbehaving in other people's houses or ignored whilst I rushed around playing hostess. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I understand you point of view op and also hsve a new baby and small child but I feel a bit sorry for them. Christmas a few years ago (when yoour mil was around) would have been quite different for them and I suspect they want to come to yours to escape the sense of loss they feel without her. I totally get why they want to be around your dcs on Christmas Day. Of course you shouldn't feel obliged to have them with you but could you have them with you for half the day perhaps?

Yanbu and really it is your SIL who should compromise this year. but I agree with a pp who said your relaxing day doesn't have to be Christmas day, it could be Christmas Eve. But then I am never bothered about celebrating birthdays etc on the actual day either.

I'm sympathetic towards your SIL. Being a lone adult without a partner at Christmas can be hard, especially when someone is no longer there. I love my mum to bits, but it does ache a bit that I still in my late 30s end up going to her home at Christmas, that I don't have my own family to spend it with (to which she'd be welcome!) Having my siblings and all their kids around makes it special, and turns it into something I look forward to. If my siblings all turned around and blocked me out I think I'd be hurt - it would underline the family life they had that I don't, a family life they have 364 other days of the year. Perhaps that's something of what your SIL is feeling too. (Realise I'm projecting here, but just to put forward a diff pov!)

I wonder what FIL feels about this.
Everything seems to be about SIL and what she wants.
Maybe FIL is longing to go back to his own home on Xmas Day?

SIL sounds a very forceful character. IS she used to getting her own way one way or another ?

That's a really interesting post juniper and obviously you sound like the sort of lovely person who everyone would want at Christmas.

My own dsis and one sil mean well but have never wanted children. They both have fantastic lives until seemingly it's Christmas. Then it used to be around ours and although they didn't mean it they were constantly on the kids backs for this and that and not helping in any way just expecting to be waited on and shushing the kids as they conversed deeply on serious matters.

They choose their lives and were very happy with loads of financial and personal freedom but wanted to play families just as Christmas and eventually I put my foot down.

I guess it all depends on the quality of the visitor at the end of the day.

juniper I bet you are a bloody fantastic auntie.

Bloomin Christmas aye.

I'm surprised by some of the responses here, I must admit. You are seeing them the day before and the they are invited for Boxing Day, it's not like they're being abandoned.

Stick to your plans OP, they will cope. When I had DC1, I told all family in advance that we would be spending Christmas Day on our own from now on. That we wanted to create our own traditions and memories.

There was a bit of whining at first but now it's accepted that we see one lot of family just before Christmas, and one after. It works and actually, I think everyone feels relieved.

Enjoy your day and don't be emotionally blackmailed.

I'm also surprised by some of the responses on here - I didn't grow up in England and there seemed to be a different attitude to families where I come from. It wasn't all about the nuclear family but more about the extended family and friends. It was a mixed bag but life treats people very differently and if you are lucky enough to have a good relationship and happy family I think you should share it

SIL strikes me more as upset and doesn't understand why they are not welcome than obsessed with getting her own way as KatieKaye seems to think.

Happy to agree to differ with others but I think you are feeling guilty because actually you are being a bit mean.