AIBU as we can't afford all the christmas events!!

[peppajay]

I feel like a really bad parent at the moment as we cant afford to do all the Christmas stuff that all my friends are doing. We are a 2 parent, 2 child family with a mortgage - we moved last year to a bigger house and I also went back to work , we run one vehicle and my husband works full time and I work part time. We have spent about £30 each on the kids for xmas and about £300 on relatives presents. Me and my husband cant afford to give each other a present so we don't. We have booked to go the pantomime £51 and will see Santa at the church fayre. My DD's classmates and our friends seem to go to every Santa experience out there, as well as going for the hugely expensive Lego/playmobil advent calendars. We live in a town where there is loads going on and we cannot afford to do it. Kids want to see Paddington at the cinema but we cant afford to do it at the moment - surely the panto is enough?? They want to go to the cinema, ice skating 3 or 4 different Santa trips, posh advent calendars- my DD especially hates school on a Monday and had a panic attack this morning about going in - as last week she lied and said we went to London to see the Christmas lights because she thought going to the beach on the scooters was boring!!!! There are 2 particular girls in her class who every weekend go everywhere - they have prob been to every pop concert and London musical and there parents make sure they get the best so they can be the best. Money is no object as their children are worth every penny. I probably sound jealous and to a certain extent I am. Another friend of mine who do a lot of expensive things with their children say we need to get a credit card then you don't need to worry, but unfortunately both me and my hubbby had bad credit card debt when we met and it took us ages to pay it off and we said we would never let that happen again. We have one in case of an emergency but otherewise we never touch it. This weekend has been horrible as we are broke until pay day and yet again they have had to make do with free entertainment an xmas crafts workshop and a walk round a garden centres xmas wonderland. Wish I could them the world but I can't!!!! I know they are going to come out of school so sad again today after hearing about their classmates amazing weekends and I know it is our fault!!!! Should I just relent and put this stuff on a card or have them miss out??? :0(

Yabu. Your children are picking up from you that their experiences are inferior to their classmates.

They aren't. They are just different. I bet little miss madam-who-gets-everything would probably really love a family day at the beach. The events are what you make them.

I can't afford to keep up with some of dd's classmates. And tbh at 6 years old, I don't even want to. I love that dc are happy spending an evening with me cutting paper snowflakes and making paper chains from sparkly wallpaper off cuts.

I relish the opportunity to take them to the park/woods/beach and see their wonderment and the freedom they have to go exploring.

It is all too short a time I am sure before they start asking for bigger and more complicated things. So I'm trying now to get them to see the enjoyment in the small things, and that the big things (panto) are a treat to look forward to rather than expected 'because it's christmas'.

It is NOT your fault and you are doing a great job of being a parent. You and your husband both work in order to keep a decent roof over your family's head and you spend quality time with the children. I do think you've been over generous with the relatives' gifts. In our family we've agreed on modest presents for kids but nothing for adults, it takes away such a lot of pressure.

The kids who say they do exciting things might be telling tall tales to. You are so right not to go down the credit card route. Search out all the free events in your area and make the most of them. Pack a flask of soup or hot choc and make beach walks into mini picnics.

In our family, that huge, we do Secret Santa for small gifts for the kids (think like $15 max) labeled "from the aunts and uncles", then adults do secret santa with each other for a bit bigger (around $40-$50). A few of my aunts and uncles are close so they exchange extra gifts with nieces and nephews, and each other privately.

You need to figure out a better system. $300 is a lot of money. I'd personally skip out. They're not going to miss one less $5 gift.

That's an extraordinary amount on family presents.

Dhs sis sounds a bit like your dhs family. She pleads poverty but bits expensive presents we can't keep up with. So a few years ago I told her & my brothers wife that we were buying for the children only (nephews & Bruce's) def no cousins. - brothers wife had been trying to pluck up the courage to say the same! Went down like a lead balloon with dhs sis but tough.

And as for the outings wow-

My dc mix with fairly affluent children as they are at private school but no way do we do anything like that. When they were little they did Santa & Steam apart from that just visiting family.

Last year we went to the panto & combined it with a trip to the Christmas market. This year nothing is planned though I'd like to go to a Christmas market.

We def prioritise our kids though. We buy for them rather than other relations.

I despair - it's sort of like reading a thread from some poor woman who is being beaten about the head making excuses for her sap of a husband.

3 or 4 Santa trips? Seriously? Leaving aside the ludicrous buying for 20 relatives some you don't even know, I honestly in the nicest way would like to say "Toughen up" and stop taking this rubbish from your children.

I don't know anyone who takes their kid to see Santa more than once and even then only under suffrance. We literally ran into Santa in John Lewis who was randomly wandering around handing out chocolate coins. Made my kids day though they are admittedly a lot younger than yours. I have no intention of "taking them to see Santa" as a result.

Have you actually bought all these 5 gifts for people already? Please, please do yourself a favour and say that you feel a donation to Oxfam is more appropriate, give Oxfam 100, wish everyone a Happy Christmas and save yourselves 200 to do something nice with your kids, and buy yourself and your husband something. If they don't like it then tough - but most will probably be very very happy to strike you off their Christmas gift list.

I have a huge family, simply enormous. I don't even buy gifts for siblings never mind cousins or their children. It's NOT NECESSARY and our relationship hasn't remotely suffered because I haven't bought them something they'll give away by December 27th.

PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS !!!

I felt really sad reading your post.

I think there's a real issue here- your dd doesn't want to go to school, had a panic attack and lied about what she'd done at the weekend because she was embarrassed?
Where has she got thoughts like that from?

I also think you're mad spending £300 on relatives and £30 on your own children. You have a budget of £360 for presents. You could spend £50 each on your children, £100 on relatives then you'd have £100 left to spend on other Xmas activities like the cinema etc.

Oh, and for what its worth in my family we used to make those cut out cookies and decorate them as a family, we'd also make silly DIY ornaments. My friends were jealous that we all did family cookies and arts and crafts together.

When I got older, I couldn't afford prom dresses, so mother sewed them. To be fair on this one, my mother is a fucking wizard behind a sewing machine. So they were jealous of that too, and asked if my mom could make their dresses too.

My birthday parties were all at orchards for apple picking, pumkin picking, etc... Which when I was a kid was only a $5 entrance fee which included a small bag of apples that kids kept as the party favors. I have friends still talking about them today about how much fun they had at my parties climbing trees and running around like a nut.

All activities that required very small monetary contributions, but a lot of time investment. So, don't get yourself down about monetary issues, and don't apologize to your children or act upset about it.

You can have a great time on a budget. You will always get kids who as adults who wished their parents spent more time with them, but you won't get adults who wished their parents put in more hours to buy them more stuff.

I agree so much with PPs. You need to knock the extended family gifts on the head. You are spending £30 on your own DCs. That really isn't masses given how expensive things are nowadays. Then you spend ten times as much on extended family you've never even met. Crazy.

I think this year I'd return all the things you've bought for extended family and go with the tin of quality street per family idea. Then next year knock it on the head completely. The only extended family you need to buy for are grandparents.

Having said that I don't think you need the skating, three different pantomimes, lego advent calendars. Christmas can be special by doing cheep things like making sour dough ornaments, baking gingerbread houses, having a silly christmas sing along, gong for a walk and collecting holly branches etc.

Another vote to totally cut out spending on extended family (gparents excepted) and using some of the savings for treats or DC gifts.

You sound obsessed with money.

For comparison my DC have got the Lego advent calendars - because they sold some of their old toys to fund them themselves. We are going to one cheap local key event.
I don't know any of their friends that are going to more than 1 "thing" and most have cheapy chocolate advent calendars if any at all. And none of the DC care. There may be 2 children in your DC's class that go to everything but I bet that's not the norm. Really worried that your DD is in tears over it, do you think your need to "keep up with the Jones" e.g. re the excessive amount you are spending on presents, is rubbing off on them?

cheap!

is your dd being bullied at school? is this perhaps the root of her demands to do more xmas stuff?.just a thought, because of the tears and lying and you mention 2 girls in particular

as everyone else says, what are you thinking spending 300 on extended family if you cant afford it though?

i also felt sad reading this.....sad that this is what its come to

YANBU but it's hard when others have more and are always showing off - but I do agree £300 for relatives presents a bit high - perhaps in future years half this and split this money between presents for children and one trip somewhere special??
We live in a relatively wealthy area and its hard when others can casually drop £100 here and there every weekend for trips - but I think it's better to teach children to value/ earn the money for treats themselves and I think some of the children of these wealthy friends will struggle to adjust when they have to make money for themselves - so it's not always better -

it is hard watching others spend money on their kids that you can't but £300 on relatives and £30 each on your kids is bonkers, utterly bonkers

Like pp
Reduce family spending
Explain to DD she can't always have everything (seriously - my parents bent to my siblings whims and entitlement and their last purchase for them was a flat. A FLAT! Not calling your kid entitled but She needs to learn early)
Do NOT get into cc debt over this.

You sound like a lovely mum and I'm sure your kids are going to have a wonderful Christmas with you.

I apologise if I am repeating points (skim reading whilst cuddling a poorly DD) but my initial thoughts are;

a) Can DH instigate a Secret Santa scheme within his family for next year? Even if you had a high £50 limit on it, you would still be quids in. Maybe he could sell it to them as getting one really nice gift rather than loads & loads of soaps & socks?

b) Not all children tell the absolute truth. A boy in DS2 (now 13)'s class at primary school told everyone about his trip to Lapland in surprisingly elaborate detail. He hadn't been. Some children may say they are going to all 4 "Santa experiences". It definitely doesn't mean they will.

c) Think back to your own childhood Christmases. What are your happiest memories OP? Mine are silly things like trying to help mum get the royal icing to set on the cake on Christmas Eve & likewise, hoping that the lids had stuck to the mince pies . I do vaguely remember Christmas events/parties etc. But they weren't what made Christmas special.

d) All 9 year olds want to do everything, especially when they believe their friends are doing it. I would try to spend more time making the things you do at home fun & less time worrying about what you can't afford to do outside.

Good point sanfairyanne

I just text in October every year (since I had to leave my job to care for DS full time)

'Hi everyone, I'll just be buying presents for DS this year because things are really tight. We don't expect anything either' and add to DPs family 'but let me know if I should bring anything to Christmas dinner' (because that's where we go)

I agree there is a lot on. We have beavers Christmas trip, nursery trip (£10), rugby party (£30) and school fair (£30???).

But £300 on cousins children is madness. Just stop, tell them you are cutting back and they don't need to get your children anything.

Op, i would not give a hoot what the relatives think. I would have spent that £300 on my own dcs.

The world you are talking about is not normality for most. I live in a affluent area and see were you are coming from as we are in the same position. But I don't think my dcs are missing out and yours don't sound like they are.

Your dd is picking up from you that what your family are and what they do isn't good enough. But don't feel like that, you are doing more than fine.

As you can't presumably take back the family gifts, remember for next year to downscale before everyone buys them.

Going to a craft activity then a Wonderland garden centre aren't rubbish activities, nor is going to the beach on scooters. We never see full price films, have to wait til they appear on Kids AM! You are falling for the hype and even worse, letting your dd fall for it too.

Honestly, we hardly go out on weekends as we are all knackered from school and work!

Oh and don't get into debt, as you know its not worth it.

We stopped doing adults presents in our family years ago. It was just too expensive and nobody ever really misses them, to be honest!

We only buy for the kids and a few small gifts for other children in the family. We also stopped doing presents for friends' kids on agreement a few years ago - most people were bloody relieved!

I cant personally see the 'magic' in going to every event and having hugely expensive advent calendars and gazillions of treats before Christmas. It just hypes the whole thing up into a big fat month of stupid spending.

We are going to a pantomime this year as didnt fancy the look of any of them and thought 'why spend the money if its not going to be great?'.

Kids have a winter fair at school and both have school trips (to a theatre show and ice skating).

I have also found cheaper alternatives to the big 'events' this year - a santa's grotto at a local garden centre rather than Winter Spendalot Land Land, for example.

Church services, carol singing, turning on of lights etc are all free and. Christmassy. I'm not a Christian but even I find the increasing commercialisation, grabbiness and forced celebration depressing these days. You can TRULY have so much fun on the cheap.

THat should say we ARENT doing panto!