AIBU as we can't afford all the christmas events!!

[peppajay]

I feel like a really bad parent at the moment as we cant afford to do all the Christmas stuff that all my friends are doing. We are a 2 parent, 2 child family with a mortgage - we moved last year to a bigger house and I also went back to work , we run one vehicle and my husband works full time and I work part time. We have spent about £30 each on the kids for xmas and about £300 on relatives presents. Me and my husband cant afford to give each other a present so we don't. We have booked to go the pantomime £51 and will see Santa at the church fayre. My DD's classmates and our friends seem to go to every Santa experience out there, as well as going for the hugely expensive Lego/playmobil advent calendars. We live in a town where there is loads going on and we cannot afford to do it. Kids want to see Paddington at the cinema but we cant afford to do it at the moment - surely the panto is enough?? They want to go to the cinema, ice skating 3 or 4 different Santa trips, posh advent calendars- my DD especially hates school on a Monday and had a panic attack this morning about going in - as last week she lied and said we went to London to see the Christmas lights because she thought going to the beach on the scooters was boring!!!! There are 2 particular girls in her class who every weekend go everywhere - they have prob been to every pop concert and London musical and there parents make sure they get the best so they can be the best. Money is no object as their children are worth every penny. I probably sound jealous and to a certain extent I am. Another friend of mine who do a lot of expensive things with their children say we need to get a credit card then you don't need to worry, but unfortunately both me and my hubbby had bad credit card debt when we met and it took us ages to pay it off and we said we would never let that happen again. We have one in case of an emergency but otherewise we never touch it. This weekend has been horrible as we are broke until pay day and yet again they have had to make do with free entertainment an xmas crafts workshop and a walk round a garden centres xmas wonderland. Wish I could them the world but I can't!!!! I know they are going to come out of school so sad again today after hearing about their classmates amazing weekends and I know it is our fault!!!! Should I just relent and put this stuff on a card or have them miss out??? :0(

Goodness, no wonder your gift bill is so high! You need to tell them that you're only buying for nieces, nephews and parents. I certainly wouldn't expect a gift from a cousin.

you have the wrong friends/school

we don't do any of that commercial crap.

never felt the pressure to do so either.

Yes we do advent calendars (but not lego), just choccy ones. We do presents and stockings. The biggest "hrs" are always the small unexpected things, like rubber band guns last year.

We go to the school concert.

We go to the cinema about 2-3 times a year.

Basically drag our kids out for muddy walks most weekends with the dog.

It's a tough life. But not really. Like you, we went to the beach this weekend. It was sunny and lovely.

No need to feel guilt over not giving into a materialistic lifestyle. I don't even think it is good for kids to get everything they want all the time.

Please, please don't get a credit card and land yourself in debt, OP.

I don't mean this to sound judgemental, but I think your concerns about money may be rubbing off on your kids a little bit. If you think you are inadequate, and you apologise for not being able to afford things, they are more likely to feel hard done by and even embarrassed. Hold your head up higher! Cash doesn't make a great parent - activities really aren't that important - it's the time together that makes the magic. There are loads of things you can do for free that are WAY better than stuff that you pay for. Be proud.

That sounds hard when all their friends are bragging. We will just be doing panto and one santa visit. If we go iceskating it will be with tesco vouchers. Cinema is at sat or sun morning at kids viewing so it's £2.00 each (with popcorn and drinks from corner shop).

Wow. £300 on family but £30 each on dc? That's majorly skewed. Take that back.

Asda do sparkle girls doll at £3.50. Tesco had toy car at £1.50. Pack of haribo sweets. Satsuma. In a party bag.

Then re spend £200 on your own kids - assuming not needed elsewhere

We have never been a family for spending loads on entertainment as like one of the posters said there is always something we can do that is free. My DD is coming up for 9 and is heavily swayed by peer pressure etc at the moment and although loves it when we do these things that costs nothing hates hearing that others have been here done this and she feels like we are mean more because she wants to be like her friends rather than actually doing these things. I have told my DH that next year there is no way we can keep up with the present giving - to be honest there is so many half the stuff my kids get I put away and give to their friends for their birthdays. At least 6 of his cousins we have never ever seen so why we have to buy for these is beyond me - but it is not my family so I find it hard to get involved!!!

Assuming the family all buy each other £5 presents- do you really get 60 different £5 presents back?

If so that really is bonkers- no offence but you must end up withloads of duplicates or just a lot of crap to show for a £300 reciprocal spend.

In your shoes I really would say to all your relatives that you think the sheer volume of people you are all buying for is making Christmas too expensive and you'd like a no resents rule.

£300 would allow you to spnd £25 a month on your kids doing weekend activities.

That is ridiculous surely your children and creating memories is more important than spending 300 pound on family. In future perhaps give all the children a selection box and the adults shared presents like a small hamper for one family made of various small gifts that you can cheaply buy, like shortbread, wine etc.

You stated you cant afford to take your children to the cinema but what possessed you to buy that much stuff for your family.

I would take some of it back and treat the children.

DH and I have just had a conversation along the lines of wanting our DC's to go without material stuff that they want (not need) to create a hunger and drive in them to go out into the world and work hard and make a success of themselves.

We are lucky enough to be very comfortable but I firmly believe it will do our DC's no favours at all to grow having everything.

Good grief it gets worse, some of these people you haven't ever met yet you buy presents for them? Return the presents, get your money back, let the cousins etc know you won't be doing pressies this year or suggest a secret Santa. Take the kids to see Paddington or whatever. The priorities here are wrong. Don't wait till next year to stop the mass present buying, do it now. I can understand why the kids are confused, they get excessive number of presents that are then put away as gifts for others and they would pre just to see a film. Simplify it and do what works for your own family.

Good luck

We only have one child who isn't as old as your DD yet and we could afford to do all sorts of christmassy shit but we don't, cause we really don't want to.
I enjoy ice skating and maybe one santa's grotto, then there's obviously getting the tree weekend, but the rest of December we do our usual muddy walks, bike rides, etc.

I think that if you keep doing fun stuff with your DD and being there for her as you are and supporting her self-esteem then she can get through this phase of comparing herself to her peers and wanting to be like them. Maybe she needs some new friends? Does she want to join guides or a sport?

Also, you don't 'have' to buy for anyone, you are choosing to. You can make a different choice,

Btw buy lego/play mobile calendars next week for next year as u will get them for pennies

you have the wrong friends/school

This.

Are you sure that all the kids in your DCs class are spending this much? Or are your DC focusing on the one child who gets loads, and actually most of them get similar to your own DC?

I grew up in a very comfortably off circle (professional parents, private school etc). However none of the families I knew, including mine, spent very much on presents or entertainment for their DC - either at Christmas or other times. Not because they couldn't afford it but because it just wasn't part of the culture and any whinging demanding behaviour from DC was squashed pretty quickly. (Of course lots was spent on other things eg the private school but not on presents/going out).

Admittedly this approach has got harder since I was growing up because there is so much more on offer than there used to be. But that doesn't mean you have to do it all.

there parents make sure they get the best so they can be the best. See to me, this is just coming at it from the wrong angle. From my perspective a child who gets everything they want is more likely to end up spoilt than "the best".

I should have added, I don't agree with spending money on activities just to keep up with the Jones', as that is a very slippery slope and your children need to understand they can't do everything other people do, but it does seem that you've got your Christmas budget priorities very wrong.

It is hard, but how you frame it to your children is very important. If you play it down and just say you can't afford to do everything, and emphasise that boasting and going on about how much you have is not nice, in time they will cope with it.

I grew up with much less than my peers and I won't lie, I minded. I did also recognise though, that I had much nicer parents than a lot of them and that was very much the better deal.

The good habits we formed have stayed with me-being happy at home ans finding stuff to do rather than needing paid entertainment all the time, going to the library and enjoying galleries and other free cultural stuff, have been really valuable to me all my life and I'm passing it all onto my children now.

There is always someone better off-my sister is much wealthier than me, for example, but at their private school her children are probably some of the least well off-so people have to learn to live with it. 'Comparison is the thief of joy', as I read on here the other day.

Forget about trying to make other people happy and concentrate on making your own children happy. £300 on relatives presents yet only £30 on dcs presents is

With that money you could have gone ice skating, bought lego advent calendars, went to visit Father Christmas and gone to see paddington bear and still had plenty of money left over!

I'm gobsmacked at the 'get yourself a credit card' comment from your friend. I would explain exactly what getting into debts is to your daughter and this is why their friends are doing these things. I speak form experience do not get a credit card I'm still paying mine off and having to work lots of extra shifts to do that which means I'm missing out on time with my DS.

The present buying is ridiculous why on earth would anyone what to get loads of stuff worth £5. I'd stop doing it and tell them not to get your children presents.

Oh and why don't you ask friends if they have an orange wednesday code then you can get one person in free and if you manage to get 2 then thats half your family sorted for tickets.

Oh and I disagree with those saying spend less on the relatives and more on your children.

I would spend less on the relatives but I wouldn't spend the extra on your children... I'd put it in a rainy day fund as it sounds like you are right up to the wire every month.

Where has your DCs entitled attitude come from?
I would be dealing with that first, I don't know any child who would demand so many expensive outings. The complaining and lying would have resulted in me cancelling the Panto as a lesson in being grateful.

The amount your spending on relatives is absurd in your financial position. If you to tell them all you are scaling back , most if not all will understand and accept that.they probably feel exactly the same!!

I agree with outofcontrol2014 :
I don't mean this to sound judgemental, but I think your concerns about money may be rubbing off on your kids a little bit. If you think you are inadequate, and you apologise for not being able to afford things, they are more likely to feel hard done by and even embarrassed.

You seem to ignore the many things you do or you have, and can only see the things you lack. Try to be more positive about what you do have.

(At the same time, I also agree that it is ridiculous buying dozens of gifts for distant relatives while you agonise about your children's christmas. Seriously, do people actually want that?)

Suggested present, a tin of Quality Street @ £5 per family?

I actually never tell the kids I can't afford something.

I just say:" I don't think that is necessary" or "we don't need that", or "I think it is too expensive/not worth it."

and I think in your shoes I would maybe buy your relatives cheaper/smaller presents.