Young mum: Confused and need pratical help

[Unclearpath]

Im deeply ashamed about how I feel, so i've nc. I just need to say I in no way regret my daughter, I just feel very sad that i'm wondering if I've done it wrong.

My Dh and I have one child together, who is due to go to school next year. I am 23 ( we've been together since I was early teens) and have enjoyed every single second of being a mum. Total bliss for the first few years and this particular issue never crossed my mind. Now we've been desperate for another baby for a long time and have suffered 2mc. I am praying next year is our year at last. It will be our last baby. First babe very much planned and wanted, we hoped for a close age gap. We have our reasons for starting our family young, which are certainly still valid now.

I had a horrible, abusive childhood. I was a total mess during my school years and lost the plot. As such I left school with just 4 GCSE's. Only two are passable grades of C. I'm embarressed about this.
I went on to self fund two certificates (distance learning) in subjects I really enjoy and have worked in the related field since I began working. My job suits family life perfectly right now, but I don't believe it is a sustainable Job long term and am keen to open up my options. Right now I don't believe I have many at all. Im so sorry to be vague, my details would be very identifiable.

Anyways. Im stuck. Im desperate to get some solid, career defining qualifications behind me but am worried that A- I know that I would find it a struggle, that I am not really very smart- or not anymore anyways, I struggle to hold information and learn since having my dd

and B) the idea of "starting again" makes me feel like a failure. Like a teen mum who is worth nothing and just got knocked up. I know this isnt true, my husband and I have a solid relationship, beautiful home, our dd is lovely and we work very hard. I know I have a lot to be proud of, but eductaion and career wise, I feel a failure. But I also know that I am young and If i start now I'll be somewhere decent before I'm 30. I also want to be a good role model to my child(ren).

So here's the thing. I could skip redoing my GCSe's, doing A levels etc and get a higher qual related to my current field of work (lost of options to study without entry requirments, but I'd need to adjust some work things to qualify) .. but it'll never be a high earning career, theres no progression, I would just qualify for more roles where the requirments for the role are higher than my current. Its more like side stepping. Money is lovely but life balance and having another child is important to me.

Or I bite the bullet and start all over and forge myself a respectable career but will have several difficult years ahead of me, trying to juggle studing/training, working, parenting..... etc. I know i'd be so proud of myself if i did. But i'm not sure I truly believe myself capable.

AIBU to think I probably screwed myself when deciding to start a family young? should I accept that my options are truly limited now and adjust my expectations of myself?

and my god, this was so bloody long and I am so sorry to anyone who spent the time reading and thanks in advance to anyone willing to advise me. all round.

You can definitely do an access course in the evenings. Ask local colleges, it's likely at least one will offer something.

I would suggt you talk to your local college, and try to get some free careers advice. You could look at Learn Direct if there is one local, they can judge where you are with Maths, and probably give you a free Maths course to at least start you on your way.
Do also talk to OU, who will give you advice, sometimes they give advice sessions in local areas. If you are near Lodon Birbeck college can also help. As could your local University.

You could also see if you can get some work experience shadowing a Chiropracticioner (sp?). It is always useful to see if you really would enjoy the job, and it's often needed/very useful when you want to get on a course.

Good luck!

Hi again OP. Some thoughts...

1. Don't look to come up with 2 options. Try to brainstorm 10. Helps you keep open-minded at a time when pressure makes us naturally seek to reduce our options.

2. If you want to do your maths the college may still take you. You're only a few weeks behind. If you can't, you can still be working on your maths in preparation.

3. I do think it'd be worth exploring some of your beliefs. What do you believe about young mothers? What do you believe about people who have only two GCSEs? What do you believe about people who retrain? What do you believe about taking an Access course?

Could you hold off TTC for 6 months? Exams are in June remember. Or you could always take a newborn in in a sling, as long as they weren't too big. You know how you recover from birth though and whether that would be an option for you. If the course is just an hour or two, you could leave a tiny baby with DH for that time even if you're breastfeeding. Is it once a week or more often?

A few things..firstly you wrote very well in your opening...you can do it..my D's and his now exgf had a baby at a young age. She went to college in the social sciience area..at every interview for placement it was seen as an advantage to have a baby as showed responsibility looking after her little one ..motivation in really wanting to succeed and a wealth of experience in caring. She has done really well. When she was in school she had no interest now she loves all the psychology etc as can relate it to her dd. She does suffer from inferior thoughts though as she feels she will be judged as a young mum. When she took her dd to hospital with a vomuting bug she felt the nurses thought she was so sick because obviously such a young mum would not know how to care for her. Yet she is a marvellous mum. She also studies well as must make use of the time when dd in bed so gets going on assignments while others leave it to the last min. Hold yoyr head up take one step at a time. You willdo very well.

Thank you all for taking time to reply!

Bertie - I've thought about it but here's the thing, we've been trying for almost two years with 2 mc. It's possible I won't get pregnant at all. Obviously you can't plan these things, I'm not sure I could bring myself to actively stop ttc after all this time! So while I'm aware it probably won't happen right away, if by some stroke of luck we do get our sticky bean I just want to be aware of that chance. and cling onto some hope

Comedancing- I actually unfortunately look much older, and have so far never encountered any discrimination towards me for being a young parent. I think as my social circle are 30+ it probably doesn't much occur to people I'd be so much younger. I certainly do not hold any judgement to other young mums either, I think I'm just aware it's out there and hold a little secret fear over it. I hope that makes sense. .. by the way it is truly lovely to hear you praise your DIL as a mother.

Vivacia, You are right. I should. . . I could probably ask my own chiro if I could shadow her a bit, we've actually become friends and I think she'd be a bit chuffed if she knew it was of interest to me. Thank you for the suggestion.

Ah I see, sorry, think you said that upthread but I didn't read properly! I would keep trying then and hope that the course works around it. I'm sure you'll find some way to make it work if you have to.

Hey OP never ever give up on your dreams. You would be surprised if you realised just how many people at uni have young families.

Also not sure if anyone else has said but there is another qualification that can be accepted instead of a math gcse. It's key skills - Application of Number. Some colleges let you study it alongside your access course. So you would need to ring up and check.

Also when I went to college they were offering childcare to anyone who had an income of under 50k. Not sure if it was a pilot scheme but it's worth ringing your college to look at options.

All you need to do a degree is determination. Yes some folk are academically gifted but some are damn determined to be a success and if you are determined then I believe you will make it.

Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise, they're either jealous, stupid or both.

You regret the things you don't do, not the things you do.

Hi Unclear.

I think you sound a fantastic role model for your DC. YOu should be very proud of what you have ashamed, and certainly not ashamed because you want to work towards a successful career.

Please do not ever give up on your dreams - whether they are having another baby, studying towards qualifications or progressing in your career. You seem to have the drive and determination to succeed in whatever you chose to do.
Your past GCSEs are just that - in the past. You are a different person now.

Wishing you all the very best.

Sheffield college do online maths and english ( gcse) for free:

www.sheffcol.ac.uk/online-college/

Unfortunately the free places have all gone. You're looking around £700 otherwise (confusingly two prices are quoted).

Hi OP. Nothing to add to the excellent advice you have been given on here, except to congratulate you on the success you have been so far. You had a difficult start, went on to achieve GCSEs, a career and a fab home life with your DD.What you are suggesting is a change of career; certainly not as hard as raising a child or creating a home. Yes, it's going to mean some juggling (especially with a possible baby on the way next year), but you are already an expert at juggling as you are a mother. It might mean you take a little longer, but imagine that degree in your hand and how proud you (and your family) will be.

Good luck :-)

I had my dc young too, first at 18, 4th (and last) at 24. I had no qualifications at all when I left school, because of a difficult family situation that made attending regularly difficult. I have childminded over the years, to give us an income, but basically I had done nothing beyond raise my children. At the grand old age of 44 I did a basic computer course run locally, turned out I knew more than the tutor so I became a volunteer, with a view to doing a tutoring course in the near future. That little course gave my confidence such a boost I actually got the nerve up to apply for a proper job, which I got..so in the space of a year my life changed completely. If ever there was proof that it is never too late to change...

There are so many courses available now, both local and online, that you can do anything you want

Hi OP. Just posting to say that I work at the British School of Osteopathy www.bso.ac.uk, and a good proportion of applicants to our courses are older and/or with non-standard qualifications. Like chiropractic, it's the kind of vocational course that many come to later on in life. We run our Access course on Fri evenings and Saturdays, to help career changers who need flexible study options to meet the degree entry requirements - it still runs for a year. It's an entry route for other health degrees too - so if you're near London it might be a good option at this point? Message me if you want any more info, and I can put you in touch with the right person. Good luck OP!

It sounds like we're very similar (I'm 23 and have two dds) I sometimes think about what id like to do next - there are so many options and I think you're listening to the stereotype 'young mum' which is fucking annoying as a term as there is sub text of 'incompetent' 'stupid' 'foolish' 'inexperienced' behind it.
People take career breaks, change careers retrain etc all the time particularly once they've had children or their children have grown up a bit or left home (mil retrained at 50)

I really dislike the school - uni - job - marry -children - job -retire - die. Timeline idea that is ingrained within society - who gives a fuck what age you do what as long as everyone concerned is happy about it.

Have children when it's good for you and your partner whether that's on the earlier side the average age or on the later side.
At any of those times there's going to be disruption to a career (if a career is what you want). At any of those times you can change what you want to do afterwards.

You can do whatever you want to do.

EATmum- ill pm you.

Thank you to those who stopped by to tell their own stories, it's so lovely to read and makes me feel so much better!

I'm going to call the college tomorrow and see if they'll allow me the chance to get on the course now even though I'm massively late to it. Perhaps I can catch up.

I am a learning and development advisor please please private message me and give me your details. I have seen this situation so often and is really common. You are still young and it's never too late. You sound amazing btw.