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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offered a seat when pg

57 replies

daisydee43 · 27/11/2014 20:43

hi

is it old fashioned but thought if you were pg and standing up then someone in seat may offer it up to you?

today i went to an activity day with dd2 and my friend who is also pg and her dd. i was shocked.
we had to go into different rooms every 20mins to do new activities and each time as were a big and slow atm we were last in the rooms so no seat available. there were non pg women and men sitting down and although our bellies were clearly bulging out, no movers. at one point i said loudly to my friend 'i wonder how many people will offer a seat to two pg women'. one man looked over but nothing else. both suffering with braxton hicks a seat would have been lovely

am i mad?

OP posts:
fairylightsintheloft · 27/11/2014 22:20

whether the op was wrong to make the PA comment is not the issue really. Had someone offered a seat she wouldn't have made the comment. I fucking hate this "pregnancy is not an illness / disability" thing. All people's pregnancies are different and even if it is a perfectly straightforward one, if you are heavily pg as the OP seems to suggest (bulging stomachs) a seat would be nice. Is it really the case now that no one can ever expect anyone ever to do something a bit nice and kind, just because it would be kind? Its pretty unlikely that every seated person had some hidden reason why they needed the seat more (which no doubt someone will come along and suggest in a minute). OP YANBU to think someone should have offered. As to the PA comment, that's not what you asked about, so I won't comment.

WorraLiberty · 27/11/2014 22:28

I know many people who have bulging stomachs, none of whom are pregnant and would probably die if someone assumed they were.

Also, I'm not sure why the OP expected everyone to notice her and her friend in a room full of people, who are there for their kid's activities.

You should probably have played some entrance music on your phone, like when a boxer enters the ring Grin

Or you could just ask for a seat if you really need one.

bubalou · 27/11/2014 22:50

Honestly - I think most people are embarrassed. Not necessarily rude.

I asked a 'very clearly pregnant' woman on a train if she wanted my seat once only to be scorned in front of everybody that she wasn't pregnant!!! Shock

She fucking looked it! That's not me being harsh - she wasn't fat at all, she was maybe a size 12 but had a round baby looking tummy! Like a proper 7 month plus pregnant tummy.

I've been too embarrassed to ever offer a seat again unless I'm 100% sure! Blush

kali110 · 28/11/2014 00:12

Ahhh bubalou your
Intentions were good!i always feared that would happen to me years ago!
I have hidden disabilities, i couldn't give up my seat even if i wanted too!
(You should see the looks and hear the comments i get on public transport for not giving my seat up for others!i fear i will be lynched ine day...)

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 28/11/2014 00:18

If you were very obviously, absolutely no doubt about it pregnant then i would have offered. But not if i hadnt noticed you and then heard you being rude.

Also, sitting made my bracton hicks worse, standing and swaying my hips or walking round eased them. But of course none of the people there will have been able to tell you had braxton hicks.

Andrewofgg · 28/11/2014 01:32

Ask politely.

As for public transport, why the hell is it only in London that you can get a Baby on Board badge which settles the fat/pg question beyond doubt and may get you a seat before you are even showing?

I was brought up to offer without being asked but then I am one of those greedy baby boomers . . . oh sorry, wrong thread Grin

Discopanda · 28/11/2014 01:35

Andrewofgg, I'm not in London but still got one, you just go on their website, they post it to you if you're in certain areas, other parts of the country you can get it from your ticket office.

LuannDelaney · 28/11/2014 01:46

I saw the worst thing on my commute from the city [to the south coast] our teasing was always packed. One day a woman on crutches got on our train, and a man was saving his seat for his friend, she said,'can I sit here?' He said 'no' so I stood up and said,'take my seat' then loads of people did the same. He looked like a silly idiot.

Andrewofgg · 28/11/2014 07:07

Discopanda Glad to hear it. They should be handed out through the GPs and HVs.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/11/2014 07:14

Yanbu.

The passive aggressive comment would have made me feel an utter twat for not noticing rather than annoyed at you, op.

I am not fan of passive aggressive comments but in this context it wouldn't have had the isual effect of making me stubbornly refuse.

It is true that pregnacy isn't an illness. But it can still make you ill in the diagnosed with something sense and even if it doesn't, it can make you feel quite shit every minute of the day. The "it's not an illness" is a mean spirited attitude.

True some of the people sitting may well have had their own health issues, hidden disabilities/illnesses shouldn't be forgotten but it is unlikely in the extreme that everybody refusing op and her friend a seat had one.

katsumama · 28/11/2014 07:34

God I can't believe the mealy-mouthed types on here saying you should have asked. Lots of people would be embarrassed to ask.

During our time on this planet we should be kind to others and try to make life easier for them where we can.

Spadequeen · 28/11/2014 07:44

People should have offered but there are many reasons why they may not have done, rudeness and ignorance being two.

But if you really needed a seat, you should have asked, not made pa comments

Andrewofgg · 28/11/2014 08:26

Spadequeen It's not plausible that there was not one healthy able-bodied person who could have got up for the OP and it's a pity that she has to ask. But if she does she should do it politely.

MiaowTheCat · 28/11/2014 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyLuck10 · 28/11/2014 08:36

YY miaow.

FlossyMoo · 28/11/2014 08:55

OP YANBU. There are certain situations in society where asking should not be necessary. And a heavily pg women standing while able bodied non pregnant men (not the pg bit obvs) & women sit is one of them in my book.

Andrewofgg · 28/11/2014 09:14

Agree FlossyMoo but if nobody gets up voluntarily a polite request is better than PA sarcasm - and more likely to get a result.

Jessica85 · 28/11/2014 10:02

YANBU - I would offer my seat to anyone I thought less able to stand than me. As a fit and healthy young woman this would include pretty much everyone, pregnant women, those on crutches, elderly, frail or infirm people, those carrying babies or small children. You shouldn't have to be asked in order to be kind.

LaurieMarlow · 28/11/2014 10:03

OP, yanbu. People can be selfish twats. I agree with fairy lights, the whole 'pregnancy is not an illness/disability, therefore you have no rights to a seat' argument is sanctimonious and staggeringly unsympathetic. Pregnancy takes a huge toll on your body (or at least it does for the majority). Should you really have to ask able bodied adults to give up their seat for you? No, it's should be common courtesy.

Having said that, next time I'd just ask as people are unlikely to point blank refuse you.

Toooldtobearsed · 28/11/2014 10:21

Bloke most, I would offer a seat, but have to admit, it can be a minefield. I was on a full train about a year ago and an obviously pregnant woman got on. The man sitting opposite me stood and offered his seat, the response was 'No thank you, I am pregnant, not disabled'. To be fair, she said it nicely and with a smile, but I bet he would think twice in the future.

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/11/2014 10:31

If you were stood up and moving rooms every 20 mins, why not get to the door first and get a seat?

Andrewofgg · 28/11/2014 10:36

That's why I like the badges, Toooldtobearsed - they say Pregnant not fat and I would like a seat please! and I know it is safe to get up.

stripedtortoise · 28/11/2014 10:38

I would have made the PA comments but you are NOT U to expect human beings to just be nice and offer a seat. Whenever there is a thread like this you get the 'it's not an illness!' And 'when I was pregnant I climbed Mount Everest so you are just being precious' type comments which are just tripe frankly.
I hate that we live in a world where people think like this and nobody can just be kind anymore without having a motive or needing to be asked.
JFC.

Mammanat222 · 28/11/2014 10:50

According to MN, good manners don't exist anymore and it's my fault no-one ever offers me a seat on the bus as I don't ask !!

Also - this is still going back to the whole seat on a bus - people have their own reasons for needing their seat (hidden disability / they are tired after working a night shift) not forgetting the fact that people often don't notice clearly and obviously pregnant women as they tend to be absorbed in other things.

Basically any old excuse for what I consider to be bad manner.

Also do not get me started on the number of people who are happy to push in front of a heavily pregnant lady to get on a bus. I always wait my turn, if I am one of the last at the bus stop I wait for those before me to get on. If I am one of the first waiting I fucking well expect to get on the bus first and this stands pregnant or not! It is common freaking courtesy - if you are last at the bus stop then wait to get on???

Thank God I have moved and don't get the bus anymore and sorry for waylaying the OP's thread!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 28/11/2014 10:54

I'm on the fence here. Yes it's basic manners to offer a seat to a pg lady, I certainly would but this is the real world and not everyone gives a damn and they don't have to either.
I am a certified over thinker but perhaps there could have been a women in the group who was ttc and is envious of your pregnancies and you're making loud P.A comments about being pregnant. That's not going to make her jump up for you. You could be having the one thing she wants more than anything else in the world, you can't expect her to bow down to you.