AIBU to tell BIL to speak politely to his wife in my house?

[QuickNameChanger]

BIL is an insecure, stressy man who takes all his petty frustrations out on his wife. He is incredibly rude to her...puts her down at every opportunity at best, can be witheringly nasty at worst. He appears to have a very low opinion of her. She on the other hand is lovely. She has learnt to smile and ignore. I almost admire her strength of character in rising above it! They have been together 20 + years so I guess it works for them! Next week however they will be coming to stay with us for a week. I am already dreading it. I find his rudeness to her very unpleasant to witness, it has in the past poisoned the mood for the evening. He can be rude to the rest of us too, but to much less of a degree, and that I can deal with by mentally sticking my tongue out at him! My question is though, would I be out of order to pull him up on it when he is staying with us, in a 'not in my house' kind of way? Sigh. It would probably just make things worse wouldn't it?

I simply wouldn't have him to stay. If he asks I would tell him.

My ex FIL was incredibly racist, and would make constant racist remarks. I did rise to the challenge a few times, but it led to such family rows all round that in the end I made it clear he wasn't welcome in my home.
OH would have to go visit his parents on there own turf.

Confrontation is not the only way of dealing with bullies. They may find that their behaviour cuts them off from others. I am in no way suggesting it be ignored- but confrontation, possible embarrassement or an ugly scene is not the only way forward.

Your SIL has probably stopped noticing the jibes. Hopefully she cleans the dog's teeth with his toothbrush.

So you and DH abhor BIL's behaviour but don't want to chuck a barmy because he'll spit the dummy?.
That's exactly why people like him get away with it.

I think I'd be full of slightly tipsy bonhomie and declare loudly that it's 'just as well we love SIL so much because you BIL are a total arse'

If I had the courage to, rather than try to reason with him, or confront him or call him a knob, I would very calmly point out, each time, what he's doing. E.g. "That was a hurtful thing to say" or "Wow, that was quite some put-down" or "You seem to be criticising DW a lot". Then at least it's named and out in the open, it's not as if everyone is pretending that it's fine to bully her.

I think it may be also one thing to not rise to the odd stupid comment to avoid a row and an entirely different thing to ignore constant bullying and nastiness.

Can't believe some people would ignore this - this is not overhearing some sniping at a bus shelter that might be a once-off strop, the BIL is making the OP complicit in the constant verbal put-downs by making them repeatedly in front if her. She's implicitly condoning it if she doesn't take some action.

As for 'it's up to his wife to react/object to her treatment' - if being on Mn has taught me one (shocking) thing, it's how many women live for years in abusive/controlling inegalitarian relationships without realising it.

I would be afraid SIL might suffer the consequences later if you openly criticise him - abusers will find a way to blame their partners for everything negative that happens to them.

IMO best thing to do would be to take her out and gently mention to her that you don't like the way he speaks to her and there's always a spare room in your house of she needs to get away.

My friend and her now-ex had a very shouty relationship, although he would start it every time.
I have witnessed it btw, not just blindly defending her.

We live only a street away and she and dc were at mine when he turned up and started.
I let rip, told the pair of them I wouldn't have this behaviour in my house in front of my dc and if they couldn't behave they could both leave.

I was so furious that I was running on adrenalin and was worried once I'd calmed down but they never did it at my house again.

It made no difference to their behaviour at home or elsewhere though, so in short, I think you could say "not in my house you don't" but it won't make any real difference

YANBU. I'd say something along the lines of "I don't know what goes for acceptable in your life, but I don't want to hear someone speaking like that" and if he argues, repeat the line that his behaviour is awful, its not socially acceptable in public, you don't want to be subjected to it, etc..

I've had to speak to people similarly twice in the past (both men) and it was very effective, surprisingly so in fact.

I suspect part of the reason he is like that is because not enough people have called him out on it.

I believe the put-downs of his wife in your presence are also aimed to insult you too OP, as a woman being forced to witnesss this. Looking upthread I can't see any mention of what your DH thinks about this - Id hope he puts a stop to it too. I don't agree with ignoring bullies - no way, and certainly not in my home. Silence lets people get away with too many things in this life. Who is this man to walk into your home and cause discord? Id be bluntly telling him to stop it as Ive no intention of spending all day listening to his nastiness. & Id mean it - any nonsense I wouldn't want him back in my home. I bet he's getting off on you having to tune in to his unkindness. His wife can waste her life putting up with him if she wants to - you don't have to take ill-mannered ignorance so tell him to get lost.

youareallbonkers you said.. Does every single person on here think they have the right to tell others what to do? Is it because it's done so often on a forum that people are carrying it into real life? Or is it that people just don't have enough in their own lives? Op it's not for you to say anything, how embarrassed would she be if you did? How patronising to assume that she can't raise it herself

If I had someone to stay in MY house for a week, I'm damned sure I would not tolerate rudeness whoever it is directed at. Goodness me, I would not sit in my lounge and listen to someone sounding off endlessly and I would pull them up on it. I would be saying "that's enough BIL. You have come to our house, we are delighted to have you to stay here and we are looking forward to a great week with you both. But just stop the rudeness in our house or if you can't - go home please." I would however say this to him in private.

Where would it stop otherwise? It's irrelevant that the rudeness is not directed at the OP because it makes for an unpleasant atmosphere. If it happened say on an evening out up the pub, I would just be saying to BIl "oh for gods sake, give it a rest..." but it's different when it's in your house.

bonkers yes I absolutely have the right if someone comes into my house and scares my dc.

I knew a woman like your BIL, OP. She did her DH down at every opportunity poor bloke. It was awful. She was forever sniping at him and belittling him and making him look small. They were part of a larger social group of ours. When out, I largely used to ignore her but actively stuck up for him in any way I could.

Once, she started her nonsense at a party I had at home. I just said to her loudly "THAT'S ENOUGH, please pay me and Mr.Roussette some respect, you are in our house eating our food, drinking our drink, and I've had it with you and your continual sniping. Please stop now".

The room went quiet for 10 seconds. Then everyone just started back with the chatting and enjoying themselves etc. She never did it again in my house.

(Incidentally, the marriage ended in a bloody battle a few years later.)

Does every single person on here think they have the right to tell others what to do?

Under these circumstances I would say not just a right, but a duty.

If it were me in this situation, I'd probably take the route that his sniping is creating an unpleasant atmosphere as everyone else is very uncomfortable with his rudeness to his wife, so could he please pack it in because you'd like it to be pleasant for everyone and he's spoiling it.

But that might not be very supportive and might upset your SIL - she might feel she's partly to blame as well :( which wouldn't at all be the case. So probably not a good idea.

Whatever, I know I wouldn't be able to sit quietly while he got on with belittling and abusing his wife.

Don't know exactly how I would handle it but don't think I could ignore it. It would make me to angry and too uncomfortable and I wouldn't want him back in my house.

He gets away with it because no one challenges him. Problem is I've challenged folk before a few times when they have been acting out of order like this and sometimes it goes against you and you look like a troublemaker with a stick up your arse. But, I can have a gob on me at times that I can't shut up.

Brings back bad memories what a friend's brother was being an absolutely disgusting lech at a family party (his wife, kids, parents were all milling about) to another woman at our table on her own. Everyone at the table just said nothing, I eventually jokily tried to call attention to it and diffuse it for him only to turn frothing on me. No one else said anything. These bullies then get a license to say what they want. Fucker!