AIBU to tell BIL to speak politely to his wife in my house?

[QuickNameChanger]

BIL is an insecure, stressy man who takes all his petty frustrations out on his wife. He is incredibly rude to her...puts her down at every opportunity at best, can be witheringly nasty at worst. He appears to have a very low opinion of her. She on the other hand is lovely. She has learnt to smile and ignore. I almost admire her strength of character in rising above it! They have been together 20 + years so I guess it works for them! Next week however they will be coming to stay with us for a week. I am already dreading it. I find his rudeness to her very unpleasant to witness, it has in the past poisoned the mood for the evening. He can be rude to the rest of us too, but to much less of a degree, and that I can deal with by mentally sticking my tongue out at him! My question is though, would I be out of order to pull him up on it when he is staying with us, in a 'not in my house' kind of way? Sigh. It would probably just make things worse wouldn't it?

Cross posted Crispy.

"I don't think it's your place to correct him on it", forcing you to be the audience. And having your DH be
"you can't say anything. She'd be mortified as well."

I can't agree. By him doing this in front of you, he is involving you in his spat. I think it must be so much more humiliating having your husband be nasty to you in front of a witness, and them saying nothing , than to have him behave the same in private. It might be no more upsetting/depressing/angering, but definitely more humiliating; because you must be saying to yourself, 'do they think that of me too?'. By saying nothing, you compound the insult to her. I would feel like an accomplice to his behaviour if I said nothing.

My house, in front of me, absolutely my place to tell him to stop, if only because he is upsetting me.

what happened there?
Ignore the 'forcing you to be the audience. And having your DH be'

Yes, if they're staying in your house for a week you are quite within your rights to mention his unpleasant behaviour and comments.

How about an utterly blunt "God, *(sil's name), can never do or say anything right around you can she? Are you aware that you are behaving like a complete cock?"

I'd be incredulous in a kind of-

"Sorry? SORRY? Did you really just say xyz?? Do you realise how utterly rude and unpleasant that was?"

Every. Time.

you could say to her rather than engage with him " how do you put up with the imbecile - you must be so patient I would have drop kicked him ages ago - anyway since he's created an atmosphere why don't we pop out for a drink - it'll be so much more civilised. grab you coat and bag and go somewhere nice.

yeh you don't want to embarrass her, or make her feel humiliated that she tolerates it.

Spoil her and praise her in front of him. Tell her that you admire how calm she stays no matter what's going on around her {@_@} look at him

whereyouleftit, my x wasn't verbally abusive in front of people but i agree with your post actually, after I left, people's loyalty, people making a stand, that meant a lot to me. I had to completely drop anybody who hid behind the "six of one and half a dozen of the other" platitudes

What does your dh think?

How OP's DH reacts is irrelevant. OP sees it, dislikes it and wants to challenge it.

Challenge him calmly, factually and unemotionally.

I think I would be tempted to say God I don't know how darling wife puts up with you with comments like that every time. Exact same comment each time so he it can start sinking in when he hears it enough. My ILs are like this at least it is reciprocated but it is wearing to listen to it.

.I think it's only natural to wonder what the ops dh makes of it.

However I definatly think you should pull him up on his rudeness to her every single time as he's a bully.

Of course he will no dought try to
Belittle you both as 'silly women' in that case you may just need to not shy away from a real good old row.

Prick.

How about just complimenting his wife each time :-

"Really? I love Susie's cakes."
"Really. Actually I was thinking how slim the dress makes her look. And she's so lucky to have such gorgeous boobs."
"Really? I guess we all have our own opinion on politics but I totally agree with Susie."

Only a good idea if you are able to tell him to not be so rude if he then turns on you and you trust your dh to back you up.

My DH is a total non-confrontational type and finds his brother difficult. Yet adores him (DH is the younger brother.) He won't confront him. Not sure I want to either, BIL is likely to throw his toys out of the pram. And DH wants a relationship with his brother. SIL is actually quite an independent minded woman. But puts up with shit from her husband.

I have a client like this - in fact if your DH is a senior figure in his industry I probably know your BIL! I've had to ask him to treat those around him with more courtesy before but he's such a stress head he doesn't really register it. I do feel sorry for DW, and I'm afraid I don't have the answer. He's basically a nice person who can't handle stress so I kind of go into this Zen calm state when he's around.

Someone upthread asked is she scared of him. Are you sure there isn't more going on? Are you sure he just verbally abusive?

How about a traditional one:

'If you can't say anything pleasant then don't say anything at all.'

Think I'd pretend I was pissed and say something like "BIL must be great in the sack for you to put up with that verbal shit from him" and so on...

You can feign alcohol ignorance in the future if required!

Does every single person on here think they have the right to tell others what to do? Is it because it's done so often on a forum that people are carrying it into real life? Or is it that people just don't have enough in their own lives? Op it's not for you to say anything, how embarrassed would she be if you did? How patronising to assume that she can't raise it herself

OP I think the question should be why are you having a knob end to stay with you for a week.

It's up to the SIL to have her reationship with her OH, you are not a marriage guidance counsellor. Have them visit for the day, and spend half of that time in your room reading a book.

I assume the knob end is your OH's relative- why do you agree to such a long visit? Your OH can go visit the knob end family if he wants to see them.

I think as he's an adult, you can't talk to him like a child and tell him how to behave. You can however prevent the nasty shit from staying in your house. I know that doesn't help SIL, but neither will any remarks you make whilst he is staying. If he is nasty and abusive, it will actually make things worse because he will get cross with what you've said and he will take it out on her in private because he can't take it out on you.

Bonkers what crap! Of course we should speak up if someone is being a nasty bully! Or do you usually stand by and watch others get hurt?

OP what is the relationship here- is the BIL your OH's brother?

bonkers, I don't think it's unreasonable to pass comment on an extremely rude or unpleasant remark made by one person to another in a group - either to challenge the rudeness, or to disagree with the remark this indirectly supporting the 'victim'. If BIL doesn't want his rudeness challenged, he should keep it behind closed doors although even then I wish SIL had the courage to stand up to it!

Youareallbonkers

Really you would ignore bullying and nastiness? Would you let a racist/sexist/homophobic rant go unchallenged?

It was me up thread who asked if she was scared of him, she may need to placate him or she gets a shove.