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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fuming at DH for applying to University without telling me?

68 replies

MultipleMama · 27/11/2014 16:23

Found out yesterday that DH applied for University (start next Sept) to study his Masters in Finance (which is not the problem) months ago and didn't tell me (the problem). The course he has applied for includes studying a semester abroad ranging from Europe to China. Yet he could do the same course for slightly less credits and only have to spend a week abroad at a partnered company.

We young DC, one currently in NICU. So all this has blown up at the wrong time. I am absolutely livid that he has made these decisions without even consulting me and without even considering how him studying away for months will effect them!

He's lied on a few occasions on where he's been, and turns out he's been an hour away at a center taking exams for his application form. Also while our DS was critically ill in NICU, he told me work called and "begged" him to go in and sort out a situation even though he was/is on paternity leave, only for him to tell me yesterday that he was actually at a center taking his GMAT exam!

He slept on the sofa last night because I can't look at him without wanting to hit his inconsiderate ass. I don't want to talk to him. I'm so friggin' hurt that he couldn't bloody trust me to handle his news (he applied a few weeks before we found out problems at our 20 week scan) and felt he had to hide it until his conscience and guilt finally caught up with them!!

AIBU and overreacting or should I just accept it and deal with it how do I deal with it?

So bloody mad.

OP posts:
Upandatem · 27/11/2014 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MultipleMama · 27/11/2014 17:08

He has til May for his application has to be handed in so he has time to change it. Right now, he's taking the exams so he can include them on his application and then send it in, rather than sending it off and then doing most of the exams (which the cut-off date is June). So I guess I should be thankful that he hasn't totally buggered things up by sending it in!

He has a therapist appointment tomorrow morning so I may talk to him after; if I've lost the will to scream at his face!

I don't need this right now and so frustrated. I'm sure he's the man I believe him to be and wouldn't intentionally hurt me or the family like this. I trust him but I hate that he's lied. Urgh.

OP posts:
sanfairyanne · 27/11/2014 17:09

wow. i would think my dh a complete and utter dickhead if he decided to spend 3 months abroad with zero discussion of how his family responsibilities were to be met. i would see it as total disengagement with family life.
tell him he cant go, you are doing a 3 month yoga course in thailand then so he needs to look after the kids

Fairenuff · 27/11/2014 17:12

What is the point in him going to all that effort when he can't do the course anyway? Confused

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 27/11/2014 17:14

Erm, wait - so he hasn't applied???

That's completely different from your first post.

So, he's taken some exams for a qualification that is a pre-requisite for the course he wants to do which involves the semester abroad? I'm assuming the same qualification would be needed for the alternative course that doesn't involve the semester abroad - which from your initial post sounds like would be fine for him to do?

He's still lied about where he was, and shown great disrespect to you and your relationship by not discussing things with you - still major issues for most people (and his mother's opinion is still irrelavent!).....but the scenario now sounds a bit different to the one you first presented.

What is he having therapy for?

raltheraffe · 27/11/2014 17:14

So he applied for this course shortly after you discovered you were pregnant. Perhaps that is the issue here, he is afraid of the responsibility of being a dad and rather than face it head on, do this course as some form of avoidance.
Irrespective of that lying about a work commitment to sit an exam when his child is critically ill in NICU is a damning indictment of his where his priorities lie.

OnlyLovers · 27/11/2014 17:14

while our DS was critically ill in NICU, he told me work called and "begged" him to go in and sort out a situation even though he was/is on paternity leave, only for him to tell me yesterday that he was actually at a center taking his GMAT exam!

In an OP full of Shock moments, that's the worst one, IMO.

Personally I'd hang him out to dry. But you sound as though you want to reconcile. Good luck ...

KnackeredMuchly · 27/11/2014 17:22

I think it sounds like he's found the 'acceptable face' of running away.

You have said he has been distant since your son was born, and now he will immerse himself in his studies and abroad travel all without the label of 'abandoning' his family.

But he is really, he's abandoning you on an emotional level, he's leaving his family in a time of crisis. I doubt he is very well emotionally at the minute.

I would tell him the full stark truth that he is running away

Original poster
MultipleMama · 27/11/2014 17:24

Thanks all. Glad to know I'm not BU!

When we discussed him going back it would be that he'd start next year in Sept 2015 (we talked a lot about it and he's saved for years for it. It's a big deal for him) then DS was a surprise PG and wasn't due til Jan so we had a brief conversation when we found out about PG that it wouldn't be a big deal if he applied (but noted I'd like to know when he was thinking of applying) as it would be at the end of the year, we'd manage and it be only like him working so it wouldn't effect routines much. I had no idea that any of the courses included time away as the ones we previously looked at at another University didn't have info about study abroad.

It's the lying and the wanting to studying abroad thing that has pissed me off.

OP posts:
msrisotto · 27/11/2014 17:30

Sorry, i'm confused - did he apply months ago, or is he applying in May?

Quitelikely · 27/11/2014 17:30

Tell your dh that you don't get to take a sabbatical when your a parent and husband! Especially not when you have tried to deceive to get it in the first place and especially when you have other options which means you don't need to take a sabbatical!

And tell your mil that you are looking at this from a wife perspective not a mother - son perspective

Upandatem · 27/11/2014 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Upandatem · 27/11/2014 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MultipleMama · 27/11/2014 17:38

All I know is he had to fill in a "why you want to apply" form and questionnaire to be able to receive the full application pack and you have to register to be able to book your place for the admission test which he has done for Jan. But I'm not clued up on how University admissions go, so I assumed he has applied if he's doing exams...

He's in therapy to help deal with the scenario of our DS' birth. He's been having flashbacks and nightmares, and took the hospital up on their therapy offer when he noticed he started to become quiet with us, and zoning out and snapping at work.

I'll talk to him tomorrow. The not knowing why and lying is really bugging me.

And you're right, if he is running away then he needs to bloody buck up, admit and tell me. He needs to talk to me as well as his bloody therapist.

OP posts:
FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 27/11/2014 17:39

How many kids do you have and how old are they?

I have to be honest and say it'd be game over for me if my partner did this.

Preciousbane · 27/11/2014 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MultipleMama · 27/11/2014 18:09

MSR - He filled forms in August. Don't know the ins and outs myself. I'm just assuming he applied if he's got an invitation to do a test... Haven't really gave him the chance to explain the details. I'm just guessing and going of what bits he told me before I stormed off Blush.

He's been wanting to do it since he knew what he wanted to be but life just got in the way and things had to be prioritized. DC are 6 and under. If he wants to study if can, I'm all for it, but the abroad or wanting to study abroad would need to be discussed on top of the lying.

My head is a mess and I'm rambling, hell maybe I am overreacting! Blush Just so frustrated and emotional. Should we hash it out now or should I wait til morning?

OP posts:
Original poster
MultipleMama · 27/11/2014 18:12

Signing off for the night. I need sleep. My head and mind are going in circles and I'm just riling myself up.

Will try and pop on tomorrow if I talk to him...

Thank you all xx

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 27/11/2014 18:12

You aren't overreacting at all. To keep something this big from you, and to bareface lie about the details - incredible.

Your MIL needs to stay out of this, frankly, unless it's to commiserate with you for marrying someone who has lied to you.

Fairenuff · 27/11/2014 18:20

Btw how did you find out OP, did he tell you himself?

Original poster
MultipleMama · 27/11/2014 18:22

Yes, he told me himself. Cried too but I was too angry to sit and listen to anymore. Quite frankly, I think we're both a mess at the minute.

Off to bed. Goodnight, and thank you all again, I'm taking everything into consideration xx

OP posts:
Malabrigo · 27/11/2014 18:24

Ok so the deal with GMAT is that you need to achieve a certain score in order to be admitted to an MBA/MFA. Different universities have different requirements much like A Levels.
So he booked a date to do his GMAT (you can sit it at any point in the year), and will submit his MBA course application once he knows what score he has got.
By the sound of it he has also sent off for the application forms for the course he is considering. But he hasn't applied for the course itself.

Fairenuff · 27/11/2014 18:28

It sounds more complicated than it first seemed, he's not thinking straight and certainly not acting rationally. I think it's a good idea to sleep on it and talk it through when you calmer. Nothing is set in stone, he can change his course or you can come to some other arrangement.

Malabrigo · 27/11/2014 18:29

*MSF not MBF

FryOneFatManic · 27/11/2014 18:33

Regardless of how decent he's been in the past, this is definitely a form of "running away", not necessarily from your DS's problems, but from the fact of parenthood, since he was applying before you knew about the problems.

And MIL's opinion is about as relevant as a chocolate teapot.

He lied and left you dealing with your son to bugger off and take an exam. Not acceptable, and it wasn't a one-off lie. He needs to get his head around this sharpish.