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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a child won't miss what they never had

58 replies

sherapower · 27/11/2014 16:18

One of my friends keeps saying it's such a shame for my children as they don't have any grandparents.

I agree it's nice to have grandparents but I don't see it as a massive tragedy that they don't.

Or AIBU?

OP posts:

formerbabe · 27/11/2014 16:20

My children also have no grandparents....I am devastated by this although I have no idea if it affects them.

UriGeller · 27/11/2014 16:21

I don't see how it helps you or your children by saying its a shame they don't have any grandparents. It's hardly something you can change is it?

Groovee · 27/11/2014 16:21

YANBU

We're all different and some have what others don't.

grocklebox · 27/11/2014 16:21

You can miss the concept, the idea of soemthing you've never had, of course you can. But it is what it is, so move on.

SpringBreaker · 27/11/2014 16:24

3 of my 4 grandparents had died by the time I was 8, the last one died when I was 23. I missed having grandparents very much. I was always envious of friends who had big family parties and christmas gatherings. I am an only child and both my parents died before I was 40 too so at the age of 45 I have no family at all. It is very devastating but I try not to dwell on it too much.

ChunkyPickle · 27/11/2014 16:24

I had grandparents - I saw them once a year. My kids have grandparents they see one set once a month, and one set a bit less than that.

I think it matters more to people who had a close relationship (every thursday after school for tea or whatever) than to people like me who had them, but barely really new them. IE. they see it as essential, but I see it as a nice to have but not a big deal.

ThrowAChickenInTheAir · 27/11/2014 16:25

Why on earth would a friend keep on pointing out something to you which you have no control over? She sounds charming

It's not the end of the world. Families come in all shapes and sizes.

Original poster

sherapower · 27/11/2014 16:26

Yes, but spring - you knew them, and missed them, as people.

Mine won't ever know them so I don't see how they can miss them.

Uri, I know, although she does mean it kindly. It comes under things like buying them extras as Christmas "since there's no grandma!"

OP posts:

mangoespadrille · 27/11/2014 16:28

DH and I are both only children so our baby won't have any aunts, uncles or cousins. They will, however, have two sets of very enthusiastic grandparents. I don't want to sound morbid, but they won't have grandparents as long as they would have had aunts/uncles/cousins. Hopefully we will bring her up just to be thankful for the family she has got; you can't choose them, after all!

Taz1212 · 27/11/2014 16:29

My only living grandparent when I was born died when I was three. I only remember her legs (from a trip to a shop - I think it was my view of her ) and playing with Christmas cards in her apartment. I have never ever felt as though I have missed out in anything. Obviously I have, but I've never felt it, if that makes any sense at all!

Andrewofgg · 27/11/2014 16:32

I had none living and never felt I was missing out. My closest friend in primary school was always moaning about being dragged off to visit Granddad when he would rather not . . .

ILiveOnABuildsite · 27/11/2014 16:40

Well op the reality is your dc do not have any living grandparents so I don't see what is being achieved by pointing this out and saying it's a shame. In a similar vein, I never met my father, and yes occasionally that upset me as a child but for the most part no I don't feel like I've missed out because I never had it. Yur cd might occasionally be slightly upset with the idea of not having grandparents but it won't be the deep emotional response of actually missing a grandparent they knew well and loved and is no longer with them. So I think you are right.

TheHappinessTrap · 27/11/2014 16:42

I don't know. I miss not having a sister, or girl cousins. Never had them but I think it would have been nice.

Graciescotland · 27/11/2014 16:46

I think children pick up on what their friends have though. Here's a few kids with hands on GPs in my DS1's age 4 nursery class so he asked why he's not got any etc. Not in an emotionally distraught sense though. I think I pine for a helpful kindly granny more than he does!

Original poster

sherapower · 27/11/2014 16:46

They don't have a father either, or aunts/uncles. Probably shouldn't have had them! [shocked]

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 27/11/2014 16:49

YANBU, because there's no point in you worrying about something that's not that bad and that you can't change anyway.

But on the other hand, I had wonderful grandmother, but I miss never having had a grandfather. I miss not having siblings. It's not a big deal, it's a non issue until I actively think about it. I never missed it as a child though, it's only now that I'm an adult that I can see the difference my other grandparents could have made.

lemisscared · 27/11/2014 16:52

I don't have any siblings, sometimes i miss the fact that i don't have them, but it hasn't been a big deal for me really. I am heartbroken that my DD never met my dad as he would have been a "proper" granddad, my ILs are far away and not really engaged with DD and my mum is poorly and also not really that interested. DD is happy though.

UriGeller · 27/11/2014 16:53

I think then, it's a bit strange to me because I come from a big family, to think that your dcs Have so few relatives but yknow they'll be making their own connections and traditions in the Christmases to come.

You've already given them the amazing gift of siblings to share their lives with and that's something some don't have so don't feel bad!
How many dcs do you have?

FaFoutis · 27/11/2014 16:56

My children have grandparents who don't want to see them, I think that is worse.

Your friend is not being very supportive OP, it is not like you can do anything about it.

Original poster

sherapower · 27/11/2014 16:56

Two.

Perhaps I'm unimaginative as I've never really wondered what my family would have been like if it was different - as it was both parents and all grandparents died before I was 19! That's obviously quite extreme but it just was and no point getting reminiscent about what would have happened if ... as 'if' didn't happen.

I don't feel bad! I didn't choose for them to have no grandparents!

OP posts:

Original poster

sherapower · 27/11/2014 16:58

Oh, she means well enough! She is just very loving in her own way. If she'd lived in victorian times she'd have been giving cakes to the beggar children. As it is, she thinks mine are wide eyed sad faced little things - ha, ha.

OP posts:

wheatfreetoast · 27/11/2014 17:04

genuine question, I would like to know the answer to, why do idiots like th e op's friend point out things like this??

is it to make the person they are talking to feel shit?

I've had similar comments about different things and I really want to know why people say this sort of stuff, especially about things you have no control over

plummyjam · 27/11/2014 17:08

YANBU. Although 3 out of 4 of my GPs were alive when I was born I wasn't close to any of them and never really missed that grandparental relationship.

My DD is nearly 2. Unfortunately my dad passed away before she was born and I suspect her paternal GF will die before she can remember him. Luckily she has two unbelievably devoted and youngish grandmas.

Original poster

sherapower · 27/11/2014 17:09

Well as I said to be fair, she doesn't mean any real harm by it :)

People frequently do, though. I've had my health visitor get really angry with me because I've no back up plan in place if I got seriously ill or died - but since I can't magic people up from thin air, I can't do a huge amount about that!

she is an idiot though

OP posts:

WyrdByrd · 27/11/2014 17:10

I think it depends on the person tbh.

I'm an only child, never knew my grandfathers who died when my parents were children, and lost both my nans by the age of seven.

I don't spend a lot of time dwelling in their absence on a day to day basis, but I do feel it from time to time. My friend showed me a poem her DD had written for school about her GPs and I was in floods.

I also think I find it harder to manage the relationship between my DD & my mum & MIL as I've no frame of reference for what a healthy grandparent/grandchild relationship should be. I feel that both nans are somewhat overinvested but any time I raise a point I'm shit down with 'that's just what nannas do' and I can't make a coherent argument against it!

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