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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a child won't miss what they never had

58 replies

sherapower · 27/11/2014 16:18

One of my friends keeps saying it's such a shame for my children as they don't have any grandparents.

I agree it's nice to have grandparents but I don't see it as a massive tragedy that they don't.

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
hackmum · 27/11/2014 17:11

All my grandparents died before I was born. Growing up I didn't mind - I just accepted what I had.

Oddly, the loss has struck me slightly more as I've got older. Partly because I saw the pleasure DD had from her two grandparents (both now dead, sadly). Partly because I'm more interested in my family - my parents' parents and siblings - and I have that sense of loss and of people being forgotten over time. Now I really wish I'd known my grandparents.

WyrdByrd · 27/11/2014 17:11

Shot down obviously Blush

ArcheryAnnie · 27/11/2014 17:13

I'm another one who finds it odd that your friend tells you something you can't change is a "shame".

My dad was dead by the time DS came along, and my mum in no condition to be a "gran" - my DS saw her a lot when he was very small, and she was severely ill in the few years before she died, and it was no picnic.

My MIL is great, and when we do see them DS gets hugs and food and he loves it. But we live too far away for frequent visits. We see them maybe every other month.

HOWEVER, one of my friends has been more than a grandparent to DS, and it's been great. The fact they have no genetic connection is irrelevant. He adores her and her husband. I love this situation so much.

Hmmm. Your friend buying them extra as there is "no grandma" - would she like this sort of "honorary aunt/grandma" relationship with them? Is that what this is about?

Original poster
sherapower · 27/11/2014 17:16

No, she has her own grandchildren Grin

I think I've genuinely explained that badly! She'll buy them something and say to me 'such a shame' (as in, for you all) that there's no present from grandmother or grandfather. I think she genuinely sees it to akin as growing up without a mother, when to me it's just normal as I didn't really know mine either!

OP posts:
DayLillie · 27/11/2014 17:16

Only if someone keeps pointing out that they should!

Do you have any photos and stories about them? Maybe do some family tree researching with them when they are older? Any other relatives that knew them?

IME, real life grandparents don't always live up to expectations, but that is people for you Grin

Original poster
sherapower · 27/11/2014 17:18

Oh, they'll be told about them obviously, but it won't be the same as a relationship, of course!

OP posts:
raltheraffe · 27/11/2014 17:20

My son has 2 granddads but cannot see either of them as they are both safeguarding risks. He is only 3 so none the wiser at the moment, but I do not know what on earth we are going to tell him when he gets older. Lie and say they are dead? That could do more harm than good. Be honest and explain what they are like? That could upset and damage him too.

manicinsomniac · 27/11/2014 17:22

YABU

You can miss what you never had. My children don't know who their father is. If I have anything to do with it he will never find them or have contact with them. They are not missing anything by not knowing him (believe me!) but they are missing not having a father. Of course they are. They have no experience of a family norm which all their friends take for granted. They have at times struggled to understand how they can only have one parent. They miss out by not having the other constant and/or stable adult relationship in their lives that most children have. To make it worse they have no grandfather that they know of either (my Dad died young).

Having said that, it's obviously not your fault your children have no grandparents, nor can they do anything about it. So people were being unreasonable to mention it.

raltheraffe · 27/11/2014 17:22

Thankfully MIL's gentleman friend allows ds to call him granddad but not even sure that is right as he is not blood relative.

Original poster
sherapower · 27/11/2014 17:24

You can miss what you never had, but we can't have absolutely everything. Better to be appreciative for what you do have , I think.

Re the safeguarding - personally I would be honest.

OP posts:
raltheraffe · 27/11/2014 17:30

thank you sherapower, so far ds has not twigged he should have 2 granddads and is happy calling MIL's DP granddad and the guy is absolutely lovely with ds and treats him like a grandson. Problem will arise when he starts asking who my and DHs dads are. He is a very bright boy and will twig at some point. It is a real shame as my dad can be civil on occasions, but it is like dealing with a Pit Bull, normally nice but has the potential to rip your throat out and you cannot predict when.

JackieOLantern · 27/11/2014 17:40

We live abroad so while my DC do have four living grandparents they don't have a close relationship as they only see them on Skype or once-a-year visits. I do sometimes worry that we're being selfish by living abroad and depriving our DC of the grandparent relationship.

On the other hand, both my maternal grandparents were dead by the time I was born and on my paternal side they were both 80+ and didn't live nearby so I didn't have a close relationship with them growing up. I never missed having close GPs and I still find it odd when someone my age gets upset about losing a grandparent because I have no experience of being close to my GPs. It would have been nice to have that relationship looking back but I never missed it at the time. It was just the norm for me.

I think kids just adapt to whatever is normal for them. I try to remind myself of that if I get a pang when I see the lovely GPs picking up their grandkids at my son's preschool...

crocodilesarevicious · 27/11/2014 18:00

I think the greatest gift a child can have is just a touch of 'suck it up' Grin

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 27/11/2014 18:16

Don't know why your friend had to point it out, not like you can do anything about it.

The last of my grandparents died when I was 36. I didn't really have any sort of relationship with them and I don't feel like I've missed out. It was what it was.

Original poster
sherapower · 27/11/2014 19:29

Like I've said a couple of times Wink I'm fairly confident she meant no harm by it!

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 28/11/2014 09:25

I've already mentioned one of my DS's grandfathers is dead - my dad - but if he had been alive, I doubt that we'd have had anything to do with him. I've talked about him quite a bit to DS, as his job was interesting, but I've also told DS that he wasn't a particularly nice man and I didn't like him much, even though I find his job and his accomplishments interesting. DS seems to find this both understandable and utterly uncontroversial.

crocodiles - agreed!

Whereisegg · 28/11/2014 09:44

I didn't have grandparents, and I have the opposite problem to many posters on here that my dc have very reasonable gp, fruit for pudding, not too much tv etc.
I actively encourage their gps to give them chocolate biscuits for breakfast occasionally, or spend the day in pjs watching crap movies so they can cherish these memories Grin

SomethingBorrowed · 30/05/2017 19:30

I only had a DGM, and she lived in another country so saw her 2-3 times a year only. Never felt I missed out, so YANBU

BeetrootPie · 31/05/2017 01:07

My children just have grandmas, but both granddads are dead... Exactly the same as how it was for me, and tbh it kinda breaks my heart. I still long for a grandad figure... Though that could be because my father was a complete bastard. My children have a great dad though, so hopefully that will help.

Pallisers · 31/05/2017 01:51

She doesn't mean any harm by it but she isn't saying and doing these things out of altruistic motives either.

You said it yourself:

she is just very loving in her own way. If she'd lived in victorian times she'd have been giving cakes to the beggar children. As it is, she thinks mine are wide eyed sad faced little things - ha, ha.

If you like giving cakes to beggar children then a supply of beggar children is required. Yours are that supply. She says to herself (and possibly to lots of other people) "oh those poor children have no one so I try to give them a wee present every now and then so at least they have someone giving them something" and everyone says (or at least she says to herself) "aren't you lovely". Personally I wouldn't be happy with my children in the role of the needy beggar children when there is no need for it.

If she loved the idea of treating your children, she'd just do it - without the commentary on their lack of grandparents.

3 of mine were dead before I was born and the last one died when I was 3. Made no difference to me.

I wouldn't want to be particularly close to this woman if I were you.

MyNameIsntTaken · 31/05/2017 02:19

I didn't have grandparents. I didn't mind it. I thought maybe it would have been nice, just because I saw it on TV or heard friends talking about it, but I really didn't mind either way. Felt more sad for my parents not having parents if anything. Honestly, I doubt your kids will mind. Obviously your friend means well from what you've said, but just tell her while you appreciate it, it doesn't make you feel great when she keeps mentioning it. I sort of get what she's trying to do, I've seen people do similar to children with an absent father, but it's not a massive deal. Kids think whatever life they're shown is normal, so to your kids no grandparents is normal.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/05/2017 11:53

I don't know if children won't "miss" having grandparents - DH had none, and he did feel that he missed out. He felt that he missed out on the extra presents, and the extra people in his life. He sort of "adopted" the elderly lady that lived next door as a surrogate grandma (luckily she was ok with that!) because he did feel he was missing out.

Some children will be fine, some won't. A lot will depend on how much their peers/friends go on about their grandparents, I guess.

mynotsoperfectlife · 31/05/2017 11:55

Zombie.

Mine have no grandparents.

I don't think they are bothered.

Moomins67 · 31/05/2017 11:58

2 of my grandparents died before I was born. I've never missed them, but I suppose I'd have liked to know them. The emotion I'm feeling is definitely not missing, as my other 2 grandparents died recently and I miss them so acutely

Moomins67 · 31/05/2017 11:59

Oh darn, zombie. It could have been worse than 2014 I guess. I hate the 2009/2008 ones

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