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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friends boyfriend came across as rude?

39 replies

RoseCavallari · 27/11/2014 12:16

So it was my friends birthday on Saturday and a group of them were going out for drinks in bars around the city.

I already had plans that night but said I would meet them after. Friend text to say which bar they were in, I got there earlier than them and went to the restroom, as I was coming out I bumped into her newish partner (7 months) and said hi, how are you? Wheres Jane? he pointed to the bar and we walked over, massive queue so I waited for her to get served.

So it was just me stood with her partner, so I thought I should at least attempt to talk to him, so I said well its really nice to see you again. And he just nodded, no word back at all..... then he walked off.

Apparently he is extremely shy but doesn't have any sn. Now I'm a shy person but I think I could have uttered back - nice to see you too, or thanks. Throughout our whole exchange he said nothing. Aibu to think this came across as rude?

OP posts:
Thebodynowchillingsothere · 27/11/2014 12:23

Did he smile? He sounds a catch. Hmm

Vitalstatistix · 27/11/2014 12:24

It clearly came across to you as rude.

I would have written it off as extreme shyness, until or unless I gathered more data.

It may be that he is really socially anxious and it was taking all his effort to even be in a crowded bar with a group of people and he panicked. It may be he's ignorant, who knows?

I'd say wait until you have met him a few times, in different environments, before you decide.

spamanderson · 27/11/2014 12:30

I know I'm one of those who come off as rude :/ I don't mean to at all but I can be quite shy so I go quiet or end up babbling which isn't great. I often don't hear people so people think I'm ignoring them. It could well be that as he didn't hear you properly when you tried to make conversation and was too shy to ask you to repeat yourself, I know I do that, especially if there's noise around like people talking or music etc.

Or, he's just a bit rude.

PurplePidjin · 27/11/2014 12:33

Maybe he didn't recognise you. Maybe he struggled to hear you in a crowded bar. Maybe he hates small talk and just didn't know what to say so froze like a rabbit in headlights.

What was so Shock about it that you're still irked 5 days later?

LittleBairn · 27/11/2014 12:37

Extremly shy is no excuse. My sis and BIL are both extremly shy, 10 years on I've barely had a conversation with the guy but he wouldn't be toaloy I lent. If that is how he interacts socially what was the point of him being there?

LittleBairn · 27/11/2014 12:38

Wouldn't be totally silent.

aermingers · 27/11/2014 12:38

He's extremely shy. He may not have special needs but I would hazard a guess that it may well be shyness to the point of anxiety and although you might not have seen it he may have found the whole situation very difficult to deal with.

I don't think you would be a very good friend if you wrote him off when your friend has explained to you how shy he is. Make an effort to get to know him and make him feel comfortable. If he still continues to behave like this after he's known you for a reasonable amount of time and should be more comfortable in your company then perhaps you might have a point.

But at the moment given that you know how shy he is I think you should try and be a bit more understanding.

whois · 27/11/2014 12:40

Shyness is rude

aermingers · 27/11/2014 12:52

Shyness isn't rude whois, there is no intent to offend. And if you think that you're obviously completely lacking in compassion and empathy.

LadyLuck10 · 27/11/2014 12:54

I think yabu to still be stewing over this a week later.

kali110 · 27/11/2014 13:02

People who are shy are not rude

KERALA1 · 27/11/2014 13:08

We are all shy. It's a cop out

Selinasupreme · 27/11/2014 13:12

I am really shy and have very poor social skills so in my head I'm screaming what I want to say but I can't get it out. But I always smile at people and nod or laugh and try to utter a little bit out. How was he for the rest of the night?

mum9876 · 27/11/2014 13:13

I think there are some who find it extremely difficult to talk to people. I know someone like this. Because of circumstances it would be rude for me not to speak to them, but it's very hard. I end up babbling nonsense and it gives me anxiety if I bump into them in the supermarket or something. I can imagine him doing similar actually - just walking off whilst I was mid sentence.

Original poster
RoseCavallari · 27/11/2014 13:22

Well its not a week later and I only joined up on Monday, only felt brave enough to post today.

I posted for opinions, was I unreasonable to find him rude? I'm assuming I'll know this man for a long time so thought it was worth asking.

Is it usual to have to explain and defend your reasons for posting? Confused

OP posts:
WD41 · 27/11/2014 13:28

Yanbu. Shy or not, surely an adult can muster a smile or thanks. I would have found it rude as well.

How does this bloke function in the workplace etc?!

AllThoseDirtyWords · 27/11/2014 13:49

What was he like during the rest of the evening?

Original poster
RoseCavallari · 27/11/2014 14:03

I should have said this sooner sorry but his job is a very customer facing role where he'd make exchanges with people all day long. He can manage that but can't utter - "thanks" ....

OP posts:
YvesJutteau · 27/11/2014 14:13

I can converse with people in normal situations but have trouble hearing what anyone's saying in a crowded bar/pub situation particularly if I don't know their voice or speech patterns well. I usually end up nodding and smiling while thinking "I REALLY hope you haven't just told me that your goldfish has died or something else rendering my vacant smile utterly inappropriate" and an actual relevant contribution to the "conversation" beyond encouraging grunts is beyond me.

Any chance he's in the same boat?

RiverTam · 27/11/2014 14:21

see how it goes. A friend's DP was apparently very shy, until it got to the point where we'd known him for years and he still didn't pass the time of day, so at that point he went from shy to rude.

kinkyfuckery · 27/11/2014 14:23

Had you met him before? Did he realise who you were?

kinkyfuckery · 27/11/2014 14:25

Of course, you said "nice to meet you again" Duh.

Okay, how was he last time you met?

whois · 27/11/2014 14:28

It's not about intent, it's about impact.

I find shy behaviour rude, so it is. Intent doesn't matter. See the racist threads for about a billion posts on why it doesn't matter f you ment to be ride or not.

Original poster
RoseCavallari · 27/11/2014 14:31

He recognised me.

OP posts:
thebaelishmockingbird · 27/11/2014 14:42

I'm retail and I can chat at work constantly, but it is in a controlled context where I am extremely confident in my role. Put me in a night out with more than one on one and I crumple. Literally hello and a smile is my limit. However I do get my partner to warn people and explain that it is something that I don't enjoy having. Have you asked your friend about it?